Latest posts by Rikki-Tikki-Deadly (see all)
- The Dak Prescott School of Maturity: Chapter 1 – October 18, 2017
- Hue Jackson in the Worst Head Coach in Modern NFL History – October 17, 2017
- Meanwhile, After Practice… – October 6, 2017
A radio producer sits in front a sound board, sweating profusely. His hand, trembling slightly, hovers above a rectangular button that reads “CENSOR”. With his other hand, he reaches out and presses another button marked “TALKBACK”.
PRODUCER: Okay, we’re…[gulps]…we’re coming back from commercial. [runs his hands through his hair] Let’s, uh…let’s try this again.
BILL PARCELLS: I don’t know what the [bleep] your problem is, pencilneck, it’s midnight, there aren’t any [bleep] [bleep] kids listening.
PRODUCER: Yes, but the FCC is. And fines grow progressively.
PARCELLS: [bleep]-ing pussy.
PRODUCER: Could you just…just…PLEASE try to tone your language down a little. Just for long enough to introduce the segment.
PARCELLS: I don’t even know why you brought me in here. You know how I feel about these, no offense, [bleep] plays.
PRODUCER: See, Bill, that’s just what I’m talking about. You can’t just drop racial slurs while we’re on the air.
PARCELLS: [bleep] is a racial slur? I thought it was short for “Japanese”.
PRODUCER: It is, but…you know what, I’m not going to go into the details of HOW and WHY it’s really racist for you to use it like that.
PARCELLS: I don’t even know why you guys brought me in here for this “TRICK” song horse-[bleep]. I like my music like my running game – straightforward with a bunch of power.
PRODUCER: [losing patience] BECAUSE IT’S APRIL FOOL’S DAY! Jesus.
PARCELLS: [impressed by PRODUCER’s intensity] NOW THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT! We’re ready?
PRODUCER: And three…two…one…
PARCELLS: All right! Welcome back to Request Line! I’m former NFL Coach Bill Parcells and I’ll be taking your requests. In honor of April Fool’s Day, tonight’s topic is “tricks”. Tricks, fools, jokes, you call it in, I’ll give it a spin. Happy April Fool’s Day, chumps.