Hard Ride To Nowhere Spring Break Special (Part 2)

The scene: Spring Break in Key West, Florida! Old School Zero and Future Moose are checking out their motel room when the door flies open, and a large furry man lathered in suntan lotion and wearing a bright blue Speedo enters.

Wolfman Rob: Hey, you must be my roomies! How the hell you doin’, boys?

OSZ (still holding the bikini top): Uh…hi? Is this…yours?

Wolfman Rob: Ah, hell no! I don’t hide these babies! A cute li’l thang left that behind…just another souvenir for ol’ Wolfman Rob!

OSZ (trying to hand the bikini top over): Oh…OK, then. Ah, maybe we should be going…

Wolfman Rob: The hell you say! And you keep that, son! Ol’ Wolfman Rob’s got himself a big ol’ suitcase full of ’em! But where’s my manners? Lemme introduce myself…I’m Wolfman Rob!

OSZ (holding out a hand): I’m Old School Zero, and this is Moo-

Wolfman Rob grabs both men in a yuuuge bearhug.

Wolfman Rob: Hell, son, I’m a hugger, not a shaker! Especially with family!

OSZ (struggling to breathe through a mass of chest hair): So..oily…

Future Moose: We’re…family?

Wolfman Rob (releasing the two semi-traumatized DFOers): Hell, we’re roomies, an’ that’s close enough for me!

OSZ: Like I was saying…Wolfman Rob…I’m Old School Zero and this is Moose.

Wolfman Rob: Great to meet ya, boys! Hey, you ready to grab this town by the balls an’ squeeze ’em dry?

OSZ: Well, gosh…we did have plans…

Future Moose: What he means is, hell yeah we are!

A very tall, very blonde woman sticks her head in the door.

Anya: Volfman Rob, do we make the секс now?

Wolfman Rob: Ah, hell, Anya, sorry about that, honey! Nyet on the секс. I gotta show my new roomies the sites! I’ll give you a call later, okay?

Anya (leaving): Okey-dokey.

Wolfman Rob (to Future Moose and OSZ): C’mon, boys, let’s get the hell outta here!

Cut to: Outside the motel. Wolfman Rob, OSZ and Future Moose are heading toward OSZ’s Prius, which is currently filled with smoke.

OSZ (running to the Prius): Hey! My car’s on fire!

OSZ pulls the door open and bong smoke pours out.

Wolfman Rob (inhaling for a good fifteen seconds): AWW YEAH!!! That’s what I’m talkin’ about, boys!

As the smoke starts to clear Marc Trestmans Windowless Van and the two Bikini Girls peek out of the haze.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Dudes! You’re, like, visible again, man!

OSZ: Marc, what the heck…? You hotboxed my Prius?

Bikini Girl #1 (blinking at Wolfman Rob): Hey, aren’t you that guy that wanted us to…

Bikini Girl #2: Eww! Ew ew ew!

The Bikini Girls get out of the car and run away down the street.

Bikini Girls (as they’re running): Ew! Ew! Ew!

Wolfman Rob: Hey, come back, girls! I finally found a hundred gallons o’ pancake batter!

Future Moose: Wolfman Rob, this is our other friend, Marc.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Hey, man. Did you, like, mention pancakes, man, ’cause I’ve really got the munchies.

Wolfman Rob: Marc, I know just the place…

Cut to: Sexy Cakes, Key West’s first (and only) strip club and pancake house. Wolfman Rob and the three DFOers are sitting at one of the stages, eating plates full of pancakes.

Wolfman Rob: What’d I tell you boys? Best pancakes you’ve ever had, or what?

OSZ: Surprisingly enough, yeah.

Marc Tretsmans Windowless Van: Like, totally, man! I mean, like, they even have peanut butter chip pancakes, man. Those are like, a delicacy, man.

All four lift their plates out of the way as a stripper gets on the stage.

Wolfman Rob: Hey, Mandy! How’s your mom?

Mandy: Wolfman Rob! Hi! She’s in back watching the kids…she’ll be on in an hour.

Wolfman Rob: I’ll catch her next time, hon! I gotta show these boys around town!

OSZ (to Wolfman Rob): You sure you don’t want to, ah…get dressed first?

Wolfman Rob: What? You don’t like the Speedo? This thing’s surprisingly comfortable! Wanna try it on?

OSZ: No! No, thanks.

Wolfman Rob: Hell, son, you gotta loosen up! Hey, you ever had a Brentwood Hello?

OSZ: Um…no…?

Future Moose (now on the stage doing the Batusi with Mandy): I have!

Wolfman Rob: A Tennesee Pepper Shaker?

OSZ: Probably not…?

Future Moose (now doing the Swim): Yup!

Wolfman Rob (sighing): OK, how about a Moosejaw Minuet?

OSZ: You’re just making these up now.

Future Moose (now doing the Mashed Potato): Invented that one!

Wolfman Rob: Son, I’m worried about you.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van (licking syrup off his plate): Me too, man. You’re, like, all wound up, man. I don’t wanna see what happened to my cousin happen to you.

OSZ (worried): Why? What happened to your cousin?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: He became an accountant, man.

Wolfman Rob: Ah, hell, sorry to hear that, Marc. I got a brother that ended up in Buffalo.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van (to OSZ): See that, man? If you’re like, really careful, man, you could end up being…

Future Moose (doing the Frug): An accountant in Buffalo?

OSZ (turning pale): Holy crap…

Wolfman Rob: C’mon, boys…we ain’t gonna hit epic levels of debauchery just sittin’ here!

To be continued…