CrimeBeat!: Celebratory Edition

Alright kids- turns out I am doing this week’s CrimeBeat!, because my Dad ended up defying expectations and not dying on the operating table. Go modern medicine!

I am exhausted and jubilant and incredibly pissed off that clients don’t seem to understand the term “family medical emergency” when they really need the settlement agreement they’ve been sitting on for two months executed NOWNOWNOWIWANTITNOWIAMTHEONLYPERSONINTHEUNIVERSEWHOACTUALLYMATTERS!!! I swear to Jeebus, I should have been a daycare worker for the Children of the Corn.

We’ve had a lot of medical scares in our brief time as a Dick Joke Collective, from spousal aneurysm to BFC’s Mystery HantaAIDS, and more eloquent folks than me have put it better, but just as a reminder: hug your loved ones. Take a few minutes to think of fond memories of anyone you’ve lost. It’s nourishing for the soul, and to help keep perspective on the day-to-day stressors.

Enough of this “All the Feels” shit: BRING FORTH THE ACCUSED!

LES SNEAD

CHARGE: Illegal U-Turn

Forget it, Jake…it’s DouchbagTown…

So Les Snead, architect of the should-have-been-franchise-changing RGIII draft trade in 2012, has decided to explore what it felt like to be Bruce Allen. The Rams have allegedly traded for the top pick in the the NFL Draft this year, moving from 15th to 1st and giving up two second-rounders (43 and 45 overall) and a third PLUS their first and third-rounders next year.

“Conventional wisdom” holds that the only reason to do this dramatic a deal, essentially gutting the top of their draft for the next two years, is to get the ever-elusive Franchise Quarterback. That same conventional wisdom seems to think it will be Carson Wentz, because NFL GMs are the biggest size queens in the universe (“Giiiiiirlll look at them 10-inch hands….mmmmmmhhhmmmm!”) As a reminder, the RG3 trade was swapping first rounders (2 to 6) plus a second rounder and two more first round picks the following years. As of today, that has yielded one good player (Michael Brockers), two adequate players (Alec Ogletree and Greg Robinson), Steadman Bailey and a continued succession of losing seasons. So now they’re going to try it the other way- take a big chance, mortgage your future draft picks, forsake the gift second-rounder you got from Chip Kelly in the Bradford trade. It’s not like you have the talent-evaluation capacity to draft well with those picks anyway…

Have you learned absolutely nothing from the Republican Primary, Les Snead? If you get caught in a mistake or a lie, you don’t fucking backtrack, you don’t prevaricate, and you sure as shit don’t reverse course. Admitting you are wrong is Feminist-Socialist-Librul quittertalk, and the NFL does not stand for that. Call your opponent a convicted felon when they don’t even have a speeding ticket? Double down and call them a gay Muslim too. Deny any connection between CTE and football, and then have your own expert admit it in front of Congress? Have your two most mentally-fucked owners shout into the nearest microphone about how harmless it is.  If it jams, force it, and if it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.

Double Down: It’s not just a disturbing ‘food’ product, it’s a lifestyle!

I get it. Les has got to be on his last strike as general manager, after managing to spin that many high draft picks into low-end mediocrity. New city, new market, Kroenke wants to make a big splash. Gotta get those Cali girls wearing their cut-off unis. Maybe this buys him an extra year of employment. And if it doesn’t, well, the lack of draft picks is the next guy’s problem. And the RG3 Experiment almost worked for Washington- although I don’t subscribe to the “He would be better than Luck except for Shanahahanahan and the knee injury” narrative, he very well could have been a franchise quarterback.

But seriously- the Rams are not one QB away from being competitive. Large pieces of that intermittently dominant defense left this off-season. The line is shit, Gurley will likely regress toward the mean, and Kenny Britt is your big-play threat. Either you are gambling on hitting big on all your late-rounders, or you are assuming free agents will drop their panties for the chance to play in LA. Or perhaps the intellectual echo-chamber of NFL management has CTE’d your brain to mush and the only remaining thought in your head is “It’s a passing league…it’s a passing league…”

“Shut up and kiss me, you fool!”

SHAWN OAKMAN

Charge: No. Just…just no.

So another Baylor player is in trouble for alleged sexual assault. He was projected to be an early-round draft pick. There is nothing funny about this.  In compensation, here is a non-rapey oak-man

God, I hope he’s not rapey…

 

 

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The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem
Feared conqueror; scholar; poet; revered holy man; professional raconteur; soldier of fortune; aloof yet thorough lover; bandit; blazing gypsy speedboat. I have been called some of these things.
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laserguru

Glad to hear the good news about Dad.
Definitely want to hug the loved ones.

We have had a fair share of health concerns around these parts now that you mention it.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Neither Jared Goff or Carson Wentz is Jesus, but they will die for the Rams sins.

Offensive line and skill position sins.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Don T

This being the Rams, I bet they got their eye on a defensive lineman.

Sill Bimmons

They’re going to take A’Shawn Robinson and switch to the 3–4.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I dropped my panties to play in LA….once.

I’ll tell you what, my frens; never again.

Tighty-whities or nuttin’, no play.

ballsofsteelandfury

I seriously have no idea what the Rams are doing. People here don’t give a shit about draft picks, they give a shit about winning. As you well pointed out, that won’t happen for a while.

The Cali girls will only show up if their boyfriends get them free tickets and the promised mall next door is open….

ballsofsteelandfury

I dunno, that oak looks pretty rapey.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Yeah, someone check his IMDB page and make sure there isn’t an Evil Dead credit on there.

Doktor Zymm

This was my immediate thought as well.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

But he has………………

roots in the community!

Enrico Pallazzo

It isn’t a crime but it should be: the Ass Rams trade up to one even though they have not decided who they want yet. You just know that they are going to take the full ten minutes to pick on Draft Night.

Jeff Fisher suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks so much.

Sill Bimmons

Are you there, God?

It’s me, Sill Bimmons.

Thank you for making me a fan of a football team that isn’t run by insane people.

I guess that makes up for you being such a dick about the whole pony thing.

montythisseemsstrangetome

So you WERE a Patriots-level “doubtful” after all!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Awww, you remembered my mystery ailments. I’d hug you, but I don’t know if it’s contagious.

blaxabbath

Fuck yeah I love CrimeBeat!