Hard Ride To Nowhere (Chapter 27)

The scene: A two-lane highway in the desert. Doktor Zymm’s car is pulled over to the side of the road in front of a police car. A big, granite-faced cop gets out of the police car and walks toward Doktor Zymm’s car, getting out his ticket book.

Cop: Do yew know just how fast yew were…what the hell?

Moosemas Gorilla is behind the wheel. Otto’s Brain is in the passenger seat. Horatio Cornblower is sitting in a sling that’s hanging from the rear view mirror, clutching a 50 ml bottle of Don Q Rum Limon. Doktor Zymm is stretched out on the back seat, sound asleep. There are banana peels everywhere, and someone has drawn a happy face on Otto’s globe in pink lipstick.

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook?

Cop: Just what in the blue blazes is goin’ on here?

Horatio Cornblower: I can explain, officer…

Otto’s Brain: Can you?

Horatio Cornblower: Shut up. Look, officer, this is our friend’s car. We’re on our way to Vegas, and she got tired. She’s been driving the whole way.

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook!

Horatio Cornblower: Right! We thought we should chip in and help out with the drive.

Cop: Yew let a monkey drive a car?

Moosemas Gorilla (angry): Ook!

Otto’s Brain: Hey, hey…no reason for that kind of language…

Cop: Just what the hell did he say?

Otto’s Brain: Actually I was talking to you. He’s not a monkey.

Horatio Cornblower: Right! He’s a gorilla.

Moosemas Gorilla (looking offended): Ook.

Cop: That still don’t tell me why yer lettin’ him drive a car!

Horatio Cornblower: Well, he’s the only one that can reach the pedals.

Cop: If this ain’t just the biggest damn freak show I ever pulled over…

Horatio Cornblower: That, officer, is a slanderous defamation of character!

Otto’s Brain: Eh, seems pretty accurate to me.

Horatio Cornblower: Shut up. I’ll have you know, officer, that I’m a lawyer.

Cop: Uh-huh. And have yew been drinkin’, sir?

Horatio Cornblower (looking guiltily at the Don Q Rum Limon bottle): Umm…I just had a teensy taste.

Otto’s Brain: But he has a teensy liver, so it all evens out.

Cop: Uh-huh. OK, everyone out of the car. If this ain’t the strangest thang that’s ever happened on this job…

Suddenly a heavy bass beat thrums, rattling the windows of both cars. It gets louder and louder, until it becomes recognizable as the Misfits’ Bullet.


Cop: What in the…?

Suddenly a green Prius appears, tearing across the desert, a massive dust cloud trailing behind. The windows are rolled down, and bong smoke is pouring out. An inflatable doll is hanging halfway out of the passenger side window, as if trying to escape. The hatchback is wedged open to make room for the massive speakers that are blaring out the music at deafening decibel levels.

Otto’s Brain: You were saying?

The Prius hits the embankment and jumps over the highway. Barely visible through the bong smoke is a hairy shirtless man, his long grey hair blowing in the wind as he sticks his head out of the window.

Wolfman Rob: AROOOOOOOOO!!!

The Prius lands with a thump. The inflatable doll almost falls out of the open window, but a beefy arm grabs it and drags it back inside. As the Prius speeds off into the distance the dust cloud behind it washes over the highway. Inside the dust cloud is a state patrol SUV, lights flashing and siren blaring. It makes the leap over the highway as well, fishtails on the other side, regains control, and continues to give chase.

Cop: Well, ain’t that just…

A highway patrolman on a motorcycle flies over the highway, lands hard and spins out. The patrolman gets back on the motorcycle and speeds off in pursuit. All is quiet for a moment, then two sheriff’s cars fly overhead. One lands hard but continues the chase, the other hits on its front bumper, flips over twice, then lands in a heap. The deputy inside gets out of the mangled vehicle, pulls his sidearm, and fires in the direction of the retreating Prius.

Horatio Cornblower: Huh.

The dustcloud swirls around and dissipates as a SWAT helicopter flies overhead, following the other police vehicles. A news helicopter brings up the rear, a cameraman hanging out of the open door and filming it all.

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook.

The cop looks at the DFOers in Doktor Zymm’s car, frowns, and then runs for his car.

Cop (yelling to the DFOers as he starts up his car): I’m lettin’ y’all off with a warnin’!

The cop burns rubber as he makes a hard turn on the asphalt, then sprays gravel as he shoots down the embankment and joins the chase. The DFOers watch as the vehicles all disappear into the distance.

Horatio Cornblower: Was that Old School Zero’s Prius?

Otto’s Brain: No way. It was going over fifty-five.

Moosemas Gorilla huffs out a laugh. From the backseat there’s the sound of a yawn.

Doktor Zymm (stretching as she wakes up): Vat is going on?

Otto’s Brain (trying to look innocent): Nothing! Nothing’s going on!

Doktor Zymm (looking around): This is not ze rest ztop. Vere are we?

Horatio Cornblower: Umm…

Doktor Zymm: Oh, you are not letting ze ape drive meine auto, are you?

Otto’s Brain: Crap! She’s on to us, guys!

Horatio Cornblower (to Moosemas Gorilla): Hit it!

Moosemas Gorilla startis the car and puts the pedal to the metal, leaving a trail of burnt rubber for a quarter-mile as he speeds down the highway.

Doktor Zymm (as the car speeds off in the distance): You dummkopfs are in zo much trouble…

To be continued…

 

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Beastmode Ate My Baby
A frequent guest-star on the award-winning seventeenth season of Here Come the Brides as well as Petticoat Junction: The Outlaw Years, Vic Darlington was arrested in Miami for poodle smuggling in 1986. Fleeing to the United States to avoid prosecution, he worked as a delivery boy for Señor Pizza until finding a steady gig as the bassist for the Johnny Zed Power Trio. He currently lives in North Hollywood with his trophy wife, two meerkats and the world's largest collection of second-hand bowling trophies.
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I was not fully aware of Brittany Furlan’s comedic assets before I watched her on @midnight with Chris Hardwick. Now I am.

comment image

Unsurprised

Whoa!

Look at those mogumbos!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

What voice do you read Horatio Cornblower’s voice in?

Mine is Sexy Emo Alpaca, I would not expect this to be common.

http://www.xanadufarms.com/images/MiniMe.JPG

Horatio Cornblower

Usually my own.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That is unfortunate; I think you’d get a LOT more out of it if you read it in…….

http://49.media.tumblr.com/e0915ba288d7785978bb3090b798d3b6/tumblr_o1ey2nuopm1tybfhmo4_250.gif

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That is probably why it is so good.

Senor Weaselo

But on helium?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Well, now I have to change.

JerBear50

I was reading the cop in Slim Pickens’ voice.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

I got a Prius up to 101 MPH back in college. I didn’t think the digital speedometer had the “1” on the end for that, since it just seemed to hover around 99 forever, but it was pretty awesome when it finally did.

Thing shook so much at that speed, I thought the god damn doors were going to fall off. Won the race though!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I had a friend’s up to 85 regularly on the highway and it was OK. 15 mph higher? YOU ARE A WILDMAN!

ballsofsteelandfury

The highest I got my friend’s Prius when we drove cross-country was 97 in the West Texas desolate countryside. It was fighting it the whole way.

Old School Zero

Phew. My prius is bright blue. Looks like some other poor environmentalist asshole’s gonna have a real bad day.

blaxabbath

Bright blue? Whoa, nice car, but we’re gonna have to get you into the grey series [closes his eyes] Its emissions are actually cleaner.

Thannnnnkkkssss!

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Senor Weaselo

I smell retcon!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The soundtrack selection was perfect.

blaxabbath
blaxabbath

That does it. Now I know this is fiction; no Prius in the western US has ever driven with such awareness.

Unsurprised

‘Tis no Prius; ’tis a remorseless lupine machine.

laserguru

If given the option you should always drive to Vegas.
Things get a little weird around Barstow.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

That there’s bat country.

JerBear50

Keep your trunk well supplied and ignore the urge to pick up hitchhikers.

Horatio Cornblower

Otto’s Brain needs to learn to keep his mouth shut.

Unsurprised

It would be a shame for his bowl to develop a “leak.”

ballsofsteelandfury

This is awesome. RTD should check with his Hollywood homies and see if we can option this thing.

Unsurprised

Excuse me. That’s Visionary Director Zack Snyder™.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Tunison’s girlfriend is a journalist too?