We all know that Joe Flacco sets the standard for what’s considered an elite quarterback.  But what about all the other NFL franchises?  I’ve decided to use SOPHISTICATED STATISTICAL ANALYSIS to determine how the other quarterbacks in the NFL stack up.  Starting from the top:

32. God Only Knows – Denver Broncos – 29.7%: Since nobody has any clue who will be playing quarterback for the defending Super Bowl champions next year, I used a placeholder.  It’s not really fair, but I don’t think anyone will go broke betting that Denver will have one of the least ELITE quarterbacks during the 2016 season.
31. Tyrod Taylor – Buffalo Bills – 30.8%: Taylor was decent, but clearly has a long way to go before he reaches ELITE status.
30. Blake Bortles – Jacksonville Jaguars – 31.7%: This comes as a bit of a surprise.  Bortles has shown some good development.  Still, it’s hard to ever be considered ELITE when your franchise is a metaphor for its geographical location: i.e. a fetid swamp.
29. Kirk Cousins – Washington [*Redacted] s – 36.6%: Again, Cousins has shown he has the potential to be ELITE, but until he shows he’s more than a flash in the pan (cough cough Nick Foles) he’ll be sitting down at the bottom of these rankings.
28. Ryan Fitzpatrick – New York Jets – 40.4%: The only thing truly ELITE about Ryan Fitzpatrick is the quality of his alma mater.  Did you know he went to Harvard?
27. Brock Osweiler – Houston Texans – 50.3%: Brock managed to snag himself an ELITE contract, but we’ll see if his play measures up.
26. Ryan Tannehill – Miami Dolphins – 53.5%: You can spell “Tannehill” without “ELITE” but you almost can’t.
25. Teddy Bridgewater – Minnesota Vikings – 54.1%: —
24. Derek Carr – Oakland Raiders – 54.9%: Along with Teddy Bridgewater, these two standouts will look to make a major move upward this season.
23. Philip Rivers – San Diego Chargers – 61.3%: Right around here is where the ELITENESS rating and career completion ratings begin to intersect.
22. Matthew Stafford – Detroit Lions – 63.7%: —
21. Carson Palmer – Arizona Cardinals – 65.4%: —
20. Jared Goff – Los Angeles Rams – 67.7%: Jared Goff has been given some pretty ELITE shoes to fill, being ranked about Rivers, Stafford, and Palmer without having thrown a single pass in the NFL.
19. Sam Bradford – Philadelphia Eagles – 68.3%: Apparently watching the games in street clothes does not hurt a players ELITENESS rating.
18. Carson Wentz – Cleveland Browns – 71.5%: Like Goff, Wentz is being given a lot of credit.
17. Marcus Mariota – Tennessee Titans – 72.7%: Just finished his rookie season, and he’s already looking ELITE.  Quack quack, indeed.
16. Andy Dalton – Cincinnati Bengals – 77.0%: “Some throws I can make, some throws I can’t.”
15. Alex Smith – Kansas City Chiefs – 80.5%: Is it any coincidence that Alex Smith is almost exactly in the middle, here?
14. Matt Ryan – Atlanta Falcons – 82.6%: Stands to reason.
13. Jameis Winston – Tampa Bay Buccaneers – 83.1%: You can’t spell “BUNGLED INVESTIGATION” without ELITE, that’s for sure.

————————- THE TROPIC OF FLACCO ————————-

11. Ben Roethlisberger – Pittsburgh Steelers – 111.0%: I think this is more likely related to Ben’s relationship with Elite Bail Bonds.
10. Eli Manning – New York Giants – 114.0%: Jerry Richardson thinks Eli is only three-fifths ELITE.
9. Colin Kaepernick – San Francisco 49ers – 115.1%: —
8. Tony Romo – Dallas Cowboys – 116.6%: —
7. Andrew Luck – Indianapolis Colts – 118.0%: —
6. Drew Brees – New Orleans Saints – 121.8%: Drew Brees is honored that you would consider him ELITE.
5. Tom Brady – New England Patriots – 121.8%: YOU-AH QUAWTAHBACK IS NAWT AS ELITE AS OU-WAHS.
4. Aaron Rodgers – Green Bay Packers – 132.3%: —
3. Cam Newton – Carolina Panthers – 138.7%: —
2. Jay Cutler – Chicago Bears – 142.7%: No idea how this happened.
1. Russell Wilson – Seattle Seahawks – 1735.5%: So, yeah.  Apparently Russell Wilson is 17 times more ELITE than Joe Flacco.  Go figure.