Big news today: The Treasury announced that Andrew Jackson will be removed from the $20 bill and be replaced by Harriet Tubman. The reasons behind the change basically boil down to 1) We should have women on money (since they’re the ones spending it amirite?), and 2) Andrew Jackson was a bit of an asshole. The choice to remove Jackson is controversial to people who frequent Stormfront and FoxNation, but for the rest of the country, having our currency represented by a slave-owning Indian killer is less than ideal. And really, who can argue about the selection of Harriet Tubman? She escaped slavery, then proceeded to help numerous other slaves escape via the Underground Railroad (which was like the Washington DC Metro, but cleaner and more efficient). Also, it’s gonna be cool using her name when talking about money. “Hey, see my new backpack? Set me back a coupla Tubmans.”

In reviewing other paper United States currency, the next obvious choice for a change is the $100 bill. The almost-smirking visage of Benjamin Franklin is a constant reminder that we’ll never achieve as much as he did. I mean, this guy invented electricity (citation probably needed), and the flexible urinary catheter (grimaces involuntarily), and, coincidentally enough, the Franklin stove. Oh, and Mr. Altruism here never even patented his inventions, since he believed that his ideas should contribute to the greater good (The Greater Good) rather than his own fortune. What an insufferable jerk. So I think it’s high time (it IS 4/20 after all) we replace Ol’ Jerkface Ben, and let someone else grace our $100 bill.

The obvious choice, of course, is our next president/emperor Donald Trump. Not only is Mr. Trump the greatest businessman and entrepreneur the world has ever known, he is also incredibly handsome.

Is that a panty-dropper or what? Unfortunately, arcane U.S. law says that anyone on our currency has to be dead. So either Trump has to die, which is impossible (like Highlander, he is immortal), or we have to go with someone else. Since this is a football blog, the obvious choice here is Vince Lombardi, recognized by old white guys as the greatest coach or human who ever lived.

But then, do we really want an Italian guy on our money? “Hey, youze guys, how bout-a one-a you go get-a me some-a rigatoni?” No thank you. Just because they had no standards at Ellis Island doesn’t mean we can’t apply some now. So what other dead football guy can we put on our money?

Ok, now this looks like a pretty good choice. After all, Junior Seau was a Hall of Fame player, a terrific teammate, and his tragic death would highlight the ongoing problem with CTE and other brain-related issues. The only real flaw with Seau is that he attended college at USC. In a way it would make sense, since USC football players see a LOT of hundred dollar bills while attending school, but then USC is a terrible place full of terrible people, so forget that.

Maybe we don’t need a football hero for our money. Maybe the best choice is someone nationally admired for bravery, for honesty, and for telling it like it really is, especially in an election year.

We salute you, George Carlin. Welcome to our money.