Tuesday Night Open Thread, Brought To You By “Takes on Fire”

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

Webmaster: Dick Joke Blog at Evil Corp
DTZM escaped his dark timeline through a wormhole created by Lord Screech, after he destroyed Bayside for never allowing him to mate with Lisa Turtle.Zach now lives a quiet life in St. Louis with his wife, Darkest Timeline Kelly Kapowski.They have no children, but do have the world’s cutest dogs.
Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

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Big news this week, as Fox Sports has announced how they’ll be deploying friend of the site Jason Whitlock.  He and fellow esteemed sportstalker Colin Cowherd will be spending AN HOUR every day yelling at each other on FS1 in a show called Speak For Yourself, a show that I’m sure we’ll all be watching rapturously every afternoon.

This news is, all kidding aside, actually GOOD news.  We are living in the waning days of the EMBRACE DEBATE era.  It will hopefully be remembered for the disgust from viewers and commenters, and not the ratings that it pulled in for ESPN.  It always amazed me that people were willing to watch uninformed yabbos like Mike Wilbon, Woody Hayes, Skip Bayless, Cowherd, Whitlock, Mike & Mike, Tony Kornheiser, Jay Mariotti, Steven A. Smith, Bill Plaschke, Tim Cowlishaw, and the rest debate old man topics like respecting the game.

This CONFOUNDS me.  I love sports.  That’s why I built this site: because I love sports (and all of you, of course) and I cannot tolerate the format of modern sports talk.  Who is entertained by morons screaming at each other?  YouTube commenters?  People using AltaVista?  Whoever is buying whole chicken in a can?  These are the lowest goddamned denominator of people, being pandered to by both morons and very smart people who PRETEND to be morons.  I think Skip Bayless is probably very smart.  He plays a shithead on TV for money.  I get it, really.  But I fucking hate it.  I hate that I can’t just leave ESPN on in the background during the day without getting annoyed at the awful goddamned banter between people I can’t stand.

Anyhoo, the era seems to be ending.  ESPN has figured out that the toxic environment they’ve fostered over the last several years with expensive talent and annoying content is costing them viewers.  In an age where the “Most Outrageous” clips quickly go up on YouTube or are dissected by Deadspin and Awful Announcing minutes after they happen, they don’t seem to be in the market to provide awful TV anymore.  As sports increasingly becomes a watch on the go proposition, we don’t need to listen to these guys’ opinions any more.  We all have our own viable opinions now.  Hopefully, these shows disappear, and thoughtful sports talkers like Dan Patrick (Sandler obsession aside), Rich Eisen, and Scott Van Pelt can help show that we don’t need the garbage to attract eyeballs.

Anyhoo, sorry about the rant.  I have VERY few pet peeves.  Sports yelling and taking sports too seriously in general is one, so if you read all of this, I appreciate it.  Enjoy the evening.  We have…uh… the Caps trying to keep their President’s Cup season alive against the Penguins on NBC Sports, the Thunder and Spurs in Game 5 on TNT, and a buncha baseball, including the Cardinals traveling to Anaheim to see old pal Albert Pujols flail weakly, which is what I’ll be watching.

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris
Darkest Timeline Zack Morris
DTZM escaped his dark timeline through a wormhole created by Lord Screech, after he destroyed Bayside for never allowing him to mate with Lisa Turtle. Zach now lives a quiet life in St. Louis with his wife, Darkest Timeline Kelly Kapowski. They have no children, but do have the world's cutest dogs.

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WakezillaUnsurprisedWCSSenor WeaseloMoose -The End Is Well Nigh Recent comment authors
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Wakezilla

So, as some of you know, Happy Gilmore was filmed in Vancouver, Canadia. Well, Surrey, BC to be exact. During the opening montage, Happy takes a team hockey photo wearing a Surrey Minor Hockey rep jersey with Surrey Minor Hockey rep team players. I THINK it’s the Bantam AAA team he’s posing with. Given when the movie was made, that would have been around the time former NHLer and World Cup of Hockey Gold Medalist, Scott Hannan would have been playing for them.

What I’ve always wanted to know is, is Scott Hannan in that scene. Luckily enough, the movie can on tonight so I decided to investigate. And when the scene came on, I did a quick scan and what did I see?

Someone who might be Scott Hannan. So, Scott Hannan may or may not be in Happy Gilmore.

To be continued.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

I didn’t get to fly the plane. 🙁

WCS

Should’ve tried this method:

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

EXACTLY!

And on the trip home, they wouldn’t let me fly the train, either!
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Of course the Flash shows stupid shit for no reason after the alternative to make sense for once this season

Senor Weaselo

/Posts open thread
//Still doesn’t respond to my message

Goddammit.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

In your defense I just sent you 50 dick pics for no reason. This is probably on me

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Senor Weaselo

I need the biggest seed bell you have! No, that’s too big.

WCS

Go on…?

/seriously, what did I miss?

Senor Weaselo

No word about how I can post my Hot Sauce Expo writeup from a couple weeks ago/if anyone cares.

WCS

I say absolutely, but, I’m not sure how to do that, either. If it’s the same as just setting up a regular post, I’ll do for ye. However, best ask our Overlord DTZM. I know he’s set some up for others. Someone else did the same for Fozz a week ago, but, I forget who.

Drop a line to DTZM and see how to proceed.

Senor Weaselo

I did that already. Two weeks ago. Hence the grumbling.

WCS

Gotcha. Probably just an oversight. DM him using the “Ask DFO” tab up top.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Jay, from Jay and Silent Bob fame is guest starring in this ep of the Flash. Ok I am in for the 42 minutes even if you fuck it up

WCS
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I am starting The Flash from earlier tonight. I apologize in advance if I rant about it. Especially if it stays like it is and everyone is gone

WCS

I mentioned off-handed last week to wifey that I’m pissed I can’t find Tool’s “box set”, Salival anywhere for less than $85. It’s another of those long-lost, most-likely-never-to-be-recovered discs, and one of my favorites. It’s also pretty rare, with only 500,000 pressings released, back in 2000.

Today, the DVD version shows up in the mail, and she tells me she got a used copy for $65. Didn’t tell me she was doing this, wasn’t even sure it was the right thing. She’s a good woman.

theeWeeBabySeamus

She’s totes awesome.

Horatio Cornblower

Your wife found my boxed set of tools if you know what I mean.

What I mean is that I need my ratchet set back. That sink has to be fixed by now.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

You found a woman that remember absolutely random shit, then buys it for you as a surprise and dresses up as Archer characters with you for Halloween? You married a lovely woman.

Beerguyrob

Day 3 in Nashville is going swimmingly. Am charming my wife’s co-workers, and my BAC is under 0.1, so I can remember names. Hopefully, I can use tomorrow’s free day to go explore a bourbon distillery and/or visit Vanderbilt to examine the mysteries behind Jay Cutler’s apathy.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

How long are you there? I might have to be there for a work down and back Thursday.

Beerguyrob

Crap. We are here until Thursday. Not sure what time we head out, but the conference ends at noon.

Still, you will have a good time if you get the chance to hit Broadway, even for just a couple of hours. It’s always on the go, and Thursday is game day for the Preds.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Sounds like it’s time to float the idea of a 3 way.
And if it fails miserably…you still got the distillery.

Horatio Cornblower

We all float down here…especially when we suggest a three way to our significant others.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Shhhhh….it’s funnier this way.

Beerguyrob

How is it that you can have and not have my best interests at heart at the same time?

BAD MAN!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
laserguru

Cubs woo!

That’s 8 in a row.

Laws yes.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I want to root for the Cubs now that they are doing ok, but I have openly grown to hate baseball over the years. I still love growing up going to Wrigley is the cheap seats in the outfield 3 times or more a year back when it was bench seats and obnoxious drunks. I feel I would be a bandwagon fan now, and I would have to watch baseball again. I mean still Go Cubs.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Gorrilaz – Clint Eastwood because I grabbed my old Gorillaz tshirt out of my sewing pile today to wear

Covalent Blonde

I am so tickled that you have a sewing pile! (heart!)

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

or your anus.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Prepare to dye your anus?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

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theeWeeBabySeamus
laserguru

Does bleaching count?

theeWeeBabySeamus

You tell us.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Brocky

So given that the penguins have advanced in the playoffs, the only appropriate reaction is to call them lucky and overrated, right?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
WCS

That’s Mike Milbury’s thoughts, and he’s sticking to them, dammit.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
theeWeeBabySeamus

Congrats Pens, you assholes.
Now try not to fuck shit up vs TB…eh?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
WCS

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Horatio Cornblower

Oh man, old school Terri Garr.

hngggggghh

Gratliff

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Horatio Cornblower

RIP Washington.

Also Lemmy and all of the R.A.M.O.N.E.S.

Gratliff
Senor Weaselo

Metropolitan Division Finalist?

WCS

comment image

I’m not even that excited, just nervously drained.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I am genuinely happy your team won, only because I like you and want you to be happy. Still rooting for meteor to take them out when they shake hands

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Horatio Cornblower

Well at least Sill’s happy right?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I have never known Sill to be happy ever. Stop making shit up

Horatio Cornblower

That is the most ridiculous save I’ve ever seen and I spent years watching the Whalers D abandon Mike Liut like he was a ginger orphan left on the servants entrance stairs.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Gratliff

That’s good hockeyin’ there

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Horatio Cornblower

I see we’re continuing the NHL tradition of putting away the whistle for anything that doesn’t involve an actual ax to the spine during OT play-off hockey.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Horatio Cornblower

BLUCHER!

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

If the guy can walk after the ax to the spine should have been a non-call

Horatio Cornblower

MTWV is clearly an old school Flyers fan.

Brocky
Gratliff

Which Silent Hill is that? 3?

WCS

Resident Evil 1

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Gratliff

I DEMAND TEARS

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Horatio Cornblower

OT! Time to freshen that beer!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Horatio Cornblower

Treehouse Sap: Much Better Than A Severed Eyeball To Your Screaming Mouth!

Horatio Cornblower

So fun story. My son has a new “friend” who is a girl. Apparently they won’t make it official because she’s going south for college and he’s going north. Very mature of them. Naturally her family is loaded so my son is continuing the family tradition of being in the right place at the wrong time. Dumbass.

Anyhoo the wife and I are both “working from home” early this afternoon when he decides now would be a perfect time to show her our house and new puppy.

No, your truly was not actually wearing pants when they pulled in and yes, I realize you degenerates are all absurdly proud of me for that.

Suffice it to say there was a mad scramble for pants. Afterwards I told my wife that the new girl seemed nice, to which she replied “Yeah. (pause) If she hurts my baby I’ll kill her.”

Mothers are scary.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Mothers ARE scary.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Harsh truth to admit… I wear pants around the house. Well just gym shorts that I immediately get into the second I get into the house. I do leave them at my room door or apartment door so I can shed other clothes the second I get to a place where I don’t have to give a fuck

/ Missed point of your story

I really do hope your son ends up happy. Sounds like a shitty situation

Horatio Cornblower

Not a shitty situation. They’re both cool with it.

Shocking as it may be based on your knowledge of me my son is a pretty smart kid and much more mature than most of his age.

He also doesn’t drink. At all.

I’m so ashamed.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Horatio Cornblower

Some call me….

Tim.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Neither did I at that age. Don’t count your livers before they’re pickled

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

You raised a responsible child who doesn’t do stupid shit and can handle terrible relationship stuff with aplomb

http://media4.popsugar-assets.com/files/2015/09/14/875/n/1922398/ff7934d941fbecef_aea06075bbcd4dc17553e2459babbb88/i/Shame-Bell-Lady-From-Game-Thrones.gif

JerBear50
JerBear50
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Damnit!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Horatio Cornblower

But, but, but…they both HAVE Uzis!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

You need to study up on your guns, you fucking commie.

Horatio Cornblower

‘Murica!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

The Ingram MAC-11 (Military Armament Corporation Model 11) is a subcompact machine pistol developed by American gun designer Gordon Ingram at the Military Armament Corporation (MAC) during the 1970s. The weapon is a sub-compact version of the Model 10 (MAC-10), and is chambered to fire the smaller .380 ACP round.

Horatio Cornblower

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I was hoping that was ‘the more you know’ theme.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Gratliff

It’s almost like the Caps are a dirty team

Gratliff

That was supposed to be Pens. I stand by either.

Horatio Cornblower

It works for both. I’m rooting for Washington strictly because they’ve never won a Cup but both of these teams can eat a bag of dicks.

GO BLUES!

WCS

Another dipshit penalty? SOUNDS GOOD!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

“Your comment is awaiting moderation.” in the “older comments” means comment oblivion.

http://67.media.tumblr.com/3ba0418dcbfd08b928b9ce91e34cdbaf/tumblr_o4qikqK1er1saaip8o6_250.gif

JerBear50
JerBear50

Also tried an oak-aged version of Old Brown Dog cleverly named Really Old Brown Dog. That one was pretty damn tasty. Finding that I like oak aging much better than I like most bourbon aging.
http://www.beeradvocate.com/beer/profile/141/35653/

Horatio Cornblower

This is what you get for bathing in Flint water.

Gratliff

I can’t imagine this has ever happened before.
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WCS

Probably never happen again, either.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

What the puck??

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I am back to rooting for the Pens that have just given this game away. I still am rooting for meteor, but leaning Pens

http://45.media.tumblr.com/e82e0acf117ed2ba6076c1f0dcf34041/tumblr_nyxsew0RxF1s2wio8o1_500.gif

WCS

This is where the Caps erase all those years of frustration in the playoffs. This is the sequence.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I have no such faith.

Gratliff

No! I have to use my queued up regular season champion banner pics!

theeWeeBabySeamus

Yeah, baby.
Anuses puckering.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Should be taken out of context.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Caps are drunk again.

Gratliff

And the Pens kill a yinzer in the process. Jesus.

WCS

STOP SHOOTING OVER THE GLASS YOU FUCKHEADS

Gratliff

AHAHAHAHAHAHA

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Gratliff

Is there a worse penalty in hockey than the errant puck going over the glass?

WCS

Probably is, but I can’t think of one at the moment. Too busy getting ready to puke blood.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
JerBear50
JerBear50

I retired that Samichlaus when I was sober. Good, but really, really sweet. No way I’d be able to drink more than one.

JerBear50
JerBear50

*Retried