Arthur Blank Makes a Bold and Crunchy Decision

[ATLANTA, GA – ARTHUR M BLANK FAMILY OFFICES INTERIOR]

ARTHUR BLANK: [On the phone] No Angie. It’s fine… Whatever you want to do… Mmmhmmm…

[There is a knock at the door]

BLANK: [Covering the receiver] COME IN!

[DOOR FLIES OPEN]

2yPcn0XA

STEVE CANNON: Heyyyy Artie, what’s shaking?

BLANK: [Smiles, motions for CANNON to sit] No, look, I told you, I don’t care how much it costs… That’s right… Of course… Okay. Love you too. [Hangs up phone] Jesus Christ. Don’t ever get married… A third time!

[Both men laugh harder than they should at the joke]

CANNON: Good one, boss!

BLANK: Thanks Steve. Now, what’s this all about?

CANNON: Well, you remember a few months ago when you asked the boys about ways to improve our fan outreach with the Falcons? Well, we’ve found that some of our recent actions have done more harm than good.

BLANK: What do you mean? I thought the draft went well, and with the new stadium opening next year…

CANNON: Well, for starters, it seems some fans are pretty unhappy with the name of the new stadium.

BLANK: Oh no. Mercedes didn’t have another airbag recall, did they?

CANNON: No no, it’s not that. It’s just that… Well, the Superdome in New Orleans is also named by Mercedes-Benz, and our fans really don’t like being associated with the Saints at all. They kinda hate each other…

BLANK: More than I hate that infernal Ace Hardware jingle?

CANNON: Uhh, probably, yes. But that’s not all. Between last years team performance, the ticket prices and the comfort of watching at home, we still haven’t had much luck selling season tickets.

BLANK: What about our home field advantage?! We can’t afford to be the Jerry World of the South!

CANNON: Ah, that’s where our plan comes in! The boys have been running the numbers, and it looks like if we lower the price of the concessions throughout the stadium, we’ll have fans flocking to the stadium! Just look at this!

Falcons Food Prices

BLANK: I don’t know… Won’t more fans just be too busy shoving food in their faces to scream? I can’t afford to pipe in crowd noise again! The League will crucify us!

CANNON: Ah, but we’ve thought of this too! If you’ll notice, many of these items are crunchy!

BLANK: So, what? The sounds of them shoving crap in their faces will help us on third down?

CANNON: Crunching technically counts as “cheering!” All we have to do is come up with a graphic telling them when to chow down!

BLANK: But won’t Irsay be able to sue us over this? They already have one of those in Indianapolis…

CANNON: We’ve already looked into it and their thing is more about basting! It’s ours for the taking!

BLANK: You know what, let’s do it!

CANNON: Excellent! I’ll contact Rovell immediately!

BLANK: You know what Steve, I think this is just what we needed to get back on track. 2017 is going to be a big year for the Falcons! We might even win the division!

CANNON: Well, are you planning to address the wide receiver issue by then? You can’t expect Julio Jones to keep getting triple covered and expect MATT RYAN to find him!

[They both laugh harder than they should]

Editor’s note: I couldn’t find an image of Arthur Blank laughing, just these ones of him “smiling” creepily.

[Banner image via]

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Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
Low Commander of the Super Soldiers is a native North County San Diegan with an affinity for the Padres, beer, whiskey, punk rock, video games and the end of days. If you eat a fish taco with a fork in his presence, you may lose your hand.
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King Hippo

A truly bold and crunchy decision? Trying out your mad pickup skilz as a straight man at Lilith Fair.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Spanky Datass

“Two dollar hot dogs!?!?!?”
comment image
/demands trade to Atlanta

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

FREE Fightin’ dogs to the first 20,000!!

Somewhere, Michael Vick just got an unexplained erection.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

All those fans in Atlanta are going to need rapid training in how to respond to a given situation? Sounds like they’re gonna need…

(•_•) / ( •_•)>⌐■-■ / (⌐■_■)

…A CRUNCH COURSE.

http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/515GXAZ88RL.jpg

blaxabbath
Unsurprised

$5 Bud Lite. For people who are #upforfinancialdomination

montythisseemsstrangetome

ALL those concession items can be crunchy if you fuck up how you make them.

Unsurprised

The “Dasani” comes from Flint.

Horatio Cornblower

Takata Airbags bought the naming rights for next year to Turner Field.

laserguru

Between the suit, the creepy smile and the pedo mustache I’ve always thought Arthur Blank looked like a mortician.

Instead he just sells you the tools to do your own burials at home.

blaxabbath

And though you fight to stay alive
Your body starts to shiver
For no mere mortal can resist
The evil of Matt Ryan’s Thriller

comment image

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAY to good to be associated with AB.

blaxabbath

I don’t have an ex-wife but I still make jokes of the genre because I think they’re that funny.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

So 98 problems?

Fronkenshteen

“2016 Falcons! Come for the football! Stay because you no longer fit in a doorway!”
comment image?w=618&h=412

Unsurprised

That’s a genius idea to ensure one-time visitors HAVE TO buy season tickets.

blaxabbath

I thought the stadium was named Mercedes to commemorate the most popular girls baby name in Atlanta, four years running.

laserguru

Mercedes! Mercedes to the main stage!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Unsurprised

Whither Hennessy?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Everyone knows that a STOMPING and CLAPPING mascot directly correlates to championships

http://www.blogcdn.com/slideshows/images/slides/242/635/6/S2426356/slug/l/mens-weird-mascots-04-boltman-454791771-1.jpg

SonOfSpam

GAH! How bout a trigger warning or something?

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

BOLTMAN has some suggestions for concessions too!

-Still-Beating Heart of the Unbeliever: $10
-Still-Beating Heart of the Unbeliever On A Stick: $12

SonOfSpam

That’s actually some pretty good food prices. So for $20, you could get 2 beers and 5 hot dogs. Or, being more realistic, 4 beers.

Nice work with the Ace Hardware jingle, BTW.

jjfozz

Who took a picture of Indianapolis public school lunches?