Arthur Blank Makes a Bold and Crunchy Decision

[ATLANTA, GA – ARTHUR M BLANK FAMILY OFFICES INTERIOR]

ARTHUR BLANK: [On the phone] No Angie. It’s fine… Whatever you want to do… Mmmhmmm…

[There is a knock at the door]

BLANK: [Covering the receiver] COME IN!

[DOOR FLIES OPEN]

STEVE CANNON: Heyyyy Artie, what’s shaking?

BLANK: [Smiles, motions for CANNON to sit] No, look, I told you, I don’t care how much it costs… That’s right… Of course… Okay. Love you too. [Hangs up phone] Jesus Christ. Don’t ever get married… A third time!

[Both men laugh harder than they should at the joke]

CANNON: Good one, boss!

BLANK: Thanks Steve. Now, what’s this all about?

CANNON: Well, you remember a few months ago when you asked the boys about ways to improve our fan outreach with the Falcons? Well, we’ve found that some of our recent actions have done more harm than good.

BLANK: What do you mean? I thought the draft went well, and with the new stadium opening next year…

CANNON: Well, for starters, it seems some fans are pretty unhappy with the name of the new stadium.

BLANK: Oh no. Mercedes didn’t have another airbag recall, did they?

CANNON: No no, it’s not that. It’s just that… Well, the Superdome in New Orleans is also named by Mercedes-Benz, and our fans really don’t like being associated with the Saints at all. They kinda hate each other…

BLANK: More than I hate that infernal Ace Hardware jingle?

CANNON: Uhh, probably, yes. But that’s not all. Between last years team performance, the ticket prices and the comfort of watching at home, we still haven’t had much luck selling season tickets.

BLANK: What about our home field advantage?! We can’t afford to be the Jerry World of the South!

CANNON: Ah, that’s where our plan comes in! The boys have been running the numbers, and it looks like if we lower the price of the concessions throughout the stadium, we’ll have fans flocking to the stadium! Just look at this!

BLANK: I don’t know… Won’t more fans just be too busy shoving food in their faces to scream? I can’t afford to pipe in crowd noise again! The League will crucify us!

CANNON: Ah, but we’ve thought of this too! If you’ll notice, many of these items are crunchy!

BLANK: So, what? The sounds of them shoving crap in their faces will help us on third down?

CANNON: Crunching technically counts as “cheering!” All we have to do is come up with a graphic telling them when to chow down!

BLANK: But won’t Irsay be able to sue us over this? They already have one of those in Indianapolis…

CANNON: We’ve already looked into it and their thing is more about basting! It’s ours for the taking!

BLANK: You know what, let’s do it!

CANNON: Excellent! I’ll contact Rovell immediately!

BLANK: You know what Steve, I think this is just what we needed to get back on track. 2017 is going to be a big year for the Falcons! We might even win the division!

CANNON: Well, are you planning to address the wide receiver issue by then? You can’t expect Julio Jones to keep getting triple covered and expect MATT RYAN to find him!

[They both laugh harder than they should]

Editor’s note: I couldn’t find an image of Arthur Blank laughing, just these ones of him “smiling” creepily.

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