Bonne journée all. I am Francois Duvalier: President for Life of the Glorious Republic of Haiti.
What’s that?
You thought I was dead?
Ah ha ha HAAAAA!
Now who thinks “Vodou” is a crackpot religion? I can never die! I am connected by spirit to the wondrous spirit of Papa Legba and I will live forever. If you have doubt in my claims I will introduce you to my “Boogeymen” who will show you the benefits of a relaxing sulfuric acid bath. You can literally watch the pounds melt away.
Ah ha ha HAAAAA!
Some claim I was a bloodthirsty and corrupt leader of a terminally poor country but most don’t realize the good that came from my executing 60,000 people, keeping the heads of my enemies in my bedroom closet or the killing of all of the black dogs in our country after one of my enemies claimed to have turned himself into a black dog. I also staged an election where I ran unopposed and elected myself as “President for Life!”
It’s called leading with subtlety.
We are an economically challenged republic but that doesn’t mean we don’t have our national pride. One of the things we are most proud of is our national soccer team. The second thing we are the most proud is are our penises. The 2010 International Penis Census declared that the Haitians had the largest penises per capita of all of the world’s nations! Once again Japan was found to have the smallest penises, they were just a little smaller than the Canadian Penis Census. Don’t worry Canuck friends. You can always just blame the cold.
Ah ha ha HAAAAA!
Since the Copa America Centenario is being held in the United States I decided to dress up my penis with a cowboy vest and a ten gallon hat. Here you can see for yourself!
The glorious Haiti soccer team is playing in Group B or the group of near death.
Odds makers are showing us a a lack of “respek” by claiming we are 90-1 underdogs to survive group play. 90-1! What’s worse is the odds of Haiti winning the entire Copa America are at 1000-1.
/calls Vegas. Drops a grand
Winning this bet will help double the GDP of our entire nation!
I will make Haiti great again!
Ah ha ha HAAAAA!
OK enough Papa Doc.
The Haitian National Team is nicknamed Le Grenadiers which I think is a truly bad fucking ass handle for a team. Who wouldn’t want to be the team that is just tossin’ bombs everywhere? This will be the first time ever that Haiti has been involved with the Copa America and it does seem a little cruel to drop them in the same pool as freaking Brazil and possible powerhouse Ecuador. The Haitian team has experience and quite a few team members play professionally in the French leagues, South American leagues and yes, there are a lot of reps from the MLS. The showed there chutzpah in the qualifying matches and they are extremely athletic but expecting them to advance out of group play is sheer fucking lunacy. I can see them competing and possibly forcing a tie with Peru but ultimately I see them heading home winless in their inaugural trip to the cup. It takes awhile to build a consistent team and unfortunately they are just getting started.
To the schedule! All times PDT.
Saturday 6-4-16
4:30 PM at Centurylink Field
Haiti v. Peru
Wednesday 6-8-16
4:30 PM at Orlando Citrus Bowl
Brazil vs. Haiti
Sunday 6-12-16
3:30 PM at Metlife Stadium
Ecuador vs. Haiti
All games will be broadcast on FS1.
To summarize they are making these poor, outclassed folks travel from Haiti to Seattle, then a few days later fly to Orlando and a few days after that they fly to the Meadowlands? The fuck is that?
If you are a firm believer in rooting for the underdog then Haiti is your team. A poor impoverished nation that has to share it’s fucking island with it’s “big brother” the Dominican Republic, is still being ran by a corrupt government that skims off the top all of the financial aid sent to it and the main exports of Haiti are earthquakes, famine, floods and the occasional hurricane.
Expecting them to win it all?
Ah ha ha haaaa!
I think we need to offer the Haitian National team a first class flight up to Bahstan. We should just tell them before they get on the plane that Bostonians think Toussaint Louverture got what he deserved.
Mascot-wise, is Haiti repped by The Serpent or The Rainbow?
/watched that on mushrooms…
//Never. Again.
A red serpent shaped like a ribbon on a rainbow flag.
(Sorry. So sorry.)
Never again? Mind pussy.
http://www.letribunaldunet.fr/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/repeated-face-slaps-of-man-by-woman.gif
The single most bad ass mother fucker I served with in the navy was a massive mechanic from Haiti. We called him “Frenchie”.
Imagine a huge black dude with a French Caribbean accent. He was covered in this little scars, all over his face and arms. I asked him once what they were from and it was from cutting sugar cane. He started working in the fields at the age of 9. I told him that was awful…he said no, what was awful was what his mother had to do to get him that job as even cutting sugar cane all day long was in high demand. Apparently she had to sleep with a half a dozen men so that her 9 year old could work in horrific conditions.
His mom won the US Green Card Lottery. Frenchie came over completely illiterate as a 15 year old.
He only graduated from an American High School only a year late from his American age group. This dude could do anything he put his mind to. At 19, when he got his full citizenship, he enlisted in the Navy because he felt he needed to give back to the country that took him in.
So for Frenchie…I am fucking going busters for this fuckers from the Island!
Sounds like Frenchie and Dez Bryant share the same mom.
I’d like to see them share beating the holy fucking shit out of Jeff Ireland.
*No witnesses, no evidence.
Fuck *certain people*! The US needs people like this.
Can we ship out some natural born citizens while we’re at it? For fairness. 😛
That didn’t really need explaining, did it?
We could trade.
When you WISH you were as rich and glamorous as the Dominican Republic, you’re gonna have a bad time.
/pours one out for Babydoc
http://previews.123rf.com/images/patrimonio/patrimonio0803/patrimonio080300048/2732703-Soldier-throwing-a-grenade-in-front-Stock-Vector-soldier-cartoon-army.jpg
I feel inclined to root for them just because they’re such an underdog.
I’m sure Grandson Doc Duvalier has a bet on the game somewhere.
Wyclef Jean almost certainly has some quake money riding on the team.
Depending on your age, that last pic is the Live And Let Die Voodoo Guy or the 7-Up Guy From The 80s Commercials. Either way, nice to hear from a Duvalier again. Been too long.
I’d say he looks more like Jay-Z than Orlando Jones.
Oh. EIGHTIES.
I misread that as 90s.
I remember both. I’m THAT old.