Copa America Centenario Preview – Group C – Jamaica

Aye Mon (and Monettes)! Welcome to dee ‘No Problem, Mon!’ Copa America Jamaica preview. As someone who does not follow Jamaican soccer but spent a week at one of their all-inclusive resorts a couple years back (and visited the Appleton Estate distillery), I feel quite confident in my abilities to forecast the The Reggae Boyz 2016 Group C performance.

First off, a little about our island neighbors. From what our driver told us, Jamaica had been a British colony (or whatever metric equivalent they use) until the 1960’s when they received independence. And by independence, I mean complete dependence on The Crown as their legislative and judicial governing bodies escalate to The Queen for final decisions. I don’t really relate but I guess it makes sense that, you know, if you’re England and you’ve been ‘taking care’ of this third-world country for centuries, it’s more advantageous to keep them under your thumb under the guise of privatization and crony-capitalism than to just cut them loose and let the Ruskies or the ISIS step in and take control in that vacuum.

Famous Jamaicans you all might be familiar with include the bobsled team John Candy coached in Cool Runnings and the current world’s fastest man, Usain Bolt, a physically gifted, young, black, athlete who loves to smile and celebrate.

Amazingly, there are not regular letters to the editor in The Kingston Chronicle from citizens complaining about Bolt’s celebrations and antics. I know…I know…but, remember, it’s a third world country. Their national priorities don’t include acting like they’ve been there before.

For our more [DFOnline] readers, you more likely know of Jamaica as the home nation of Street Fighter’s (the video game and the movie) Dee Jay. For the rest of us, Jamaica is home the Sandals Resort.

Now, as Balls (actually a Mexican name – who knew?) mentioned in his Mexico preview, separating the CONCACAF/CONMEBOL wheat from the chaff, in Group C, looks pretty clean on paper. The current FIFA/Coca-Cola rankings of the teams are:  9 (Uruguay),16 (Mexico), 55 (Jamaica), 74 (Venezuela — assuming they have enough money to fund their national team through mid-June). So, yeah, looks pretty unlikely that Jamaica is going to advance out of the group. But if you’re interested in checking them out, they will be playing at the Rose Bowl, Soldier Field, and Levi’s Stadium next month.

As many of you are aware, I’m no media sympathizer. This #contentforthesakeofcontent bullshit is old and, to walk the talk, I’m not even going to waste my time talking about post-group possibilities for Jamaica. They aren’t going anywhere and, frankly, I don’t feel bad for them one bit. Jamaica is a fine place to visit (maybe second or third amongst Group C nations) but, while technically the third most populous Anglophone country in the Americas (after the United States and Canada), I’d just like to give the warning that their language sounds more like a buttered up form of Cajun. But the food is great, the Caribbean is beautiful, and, while illegal, you can get like a shopping bag of weed there for like $20 (which, I’m sure, is the tourist price so if you’ve got some haggling skills…).

In fact, I’m just going to leave this preview by saying, if you can tailgate any of Jamaica’s Copa America games and find some expats cooking, it’ll be worth the outrageous parking fee. Or, if you’re watching at home, just celebrate with yeah right’s jerk chicken — except don’t drink Red Stripe. That shit is for tourists. The locals drink overproof rum. Don’t be a tourist.