Hard Ride To Nowhere (Chapter 33)

The scene: Key West, Florida. Tourists and passers-by line the street, walking along casually. It’s just another quiet afternoon…until the pedestrians begin screaming and scatter in all directions. Seconds later a bright green Prius that has definitely seen better days comes tearing through the intersection, barely missing a vegan hot dog vendor as it spins around and, in a squeal of tires, slides perfectly into a parking spot next to the sidewalk. As the tire smoke settles Wolfman Rob bursts out of the car.

Wolfman Rob: ARRRROOOOOOO!!! Here we are, boys…ol’ Mexico! I toldja we’d get here in one piece!

Ballsofsteelandfury (waving away the smoke as he gets out of the Prius): This is not Mexico…

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers (also getting out of the car): I think this is Florida. It’s hard to tell. In my time it’s mostly under water.

Ballsofsteelandfury (shaking his head): First their mortgages, then their state.

Wolfman Rob (spotting the hot dog vendor): Hey, you! How ’bout givin’ ol’ Wolfman Rob some o’ yer meat?

Vegan Hot Dog Vendor (his eyes widening in fear as Wolfman Rob approaches): No tengo ni la carne para usted !

The vegan hot dog vendor starts pushing his cart away, then pushes faster as Wolfman Rob runs after him.

Wolfman Rob: Hey, come back here, you! Ain’t nothin’ Wolfman Rob likes more’n a Mexican dog!

Vegan Hot Dog Vendor (in full flight):No carne! No carne! Es tofu! Tofu!!!

Ballsofsteelandfury and Low Commander of the Super Soldiers watch as Wolfman Rob chases the terrified vegan hot dog vendor down the street, around the corner and out of sight.

Ballsofsteelandfury: Huh.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers: Your century is certainly…interesting.

Ballsofsteelandfury: It has it’s moments. Wait until I introduce you to binge-watching.

In the background, Old School Zero is walking by with Marc Trestmans Windowless Van. OSZ glances at the Prius, does a double-take, and rushes over to the driver’s side.

OSZ: I’m telling you, Marc, this is my car! Or at least, what’s left of it.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van (rapping on the passenger side window): Whoa, totally, man. Hey, it’s, like, Mabel! She must have, like, brought it back, man!

OSZ: I somehow doubt that, Marc.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Oh, right, man! Because she’s on the passenger side, man!

OSZ opens the driver’s side door. It hangs by a single hinge for a moment, then falls off.

OSZ: Awww, man. My poor car. What did Wolfman Rob do to my car, Marc? Marc…?

OSZ looks around for Marc Trestmans Windowless Van, who has seemingly disappeared. Then he notices the trail of smoke drifting out of the rear window.

OSZ (looking in the back seat): Marc…seriously?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van is in the back seat, happily smoking a bong he’s fashioned from an empty ¡SPONCH! box.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van (looking out through a haze of smoke): Hey, man! Guess what?

OSZ (sighing): You left a stash of weed somewhere in my car and just found it?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Whoa! Yeah, man, totally! Hey, you want some?

OSZ (looking at the huge speakers jammed into the back of his car): Actually, yes. Yes I do.

OSZ tries to open the rear door, but it’s jammed. He sighs, walks around the car and sits down in the driver’s seat.

OSZ: It’s…sticky.

Ballsofsteelandfury finally turns back towards the car and notices OSZ and Marc Trestmans Windowless Van in the Prius.

Ballsofsteelandfury(walking over to the Prius): Hey…hey, OSZ!

OSZ (looking over): Oh. Hey, Balls.

Ballsofsteelandfury: What are you doing here, man?

OSZ (accepting the¡SPONCH! bong from Marc Trestmans Windowless Van): Oh. You know. Spring Break. Car stolen. Now it’s back. I should be surprised, I guess, but… How did you get here?

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers (walking up beside Ballsofsteelandfury): We were saved from the Men in Plaid by a large, hirsute man who then inadvertently kidnapped us and drove us here in the mistaken belief that it was Mexico.

OSZ (taking a hit off the ¡SPONCH! bong): So you guys have met Wolfman Rob, huh?

Ballsofsteelandfury (shooting finger guns): Hey, the thing is…we’re back together again! Time for some serious partying!

OSZ (handing the ¡SPONCH! bong to Low Commander of the Super Soldiers, who eyes it curiously): Oh, I don’t know. I might be partied out.

Ballsofsteelandfury: C’mon, man. We’re here in sunny Ef-El-Ay, we’ve gotta hit the hot spots!

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers takes a hit off of the ¡SPONCH! Bong. His eyes dilate and his ears turn red.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers: This century gets better all the time!

Ballsofsteelandfury (to OSZ): So where’s Moose? Isn’t he with you guys?

OSZ: He’s still looking for a car. We’ve been trying to find something to replace the Prius.

Marc Tretsmans Windowless Van: But, like, we’ve got the Prius back now, man!

Old School Zero tentatively grips the steering wheel. It comes off in his hands. He sighs.

Ballsofsteelandfury (getting a depressed OSZ out of the Prius): Hey, come on, man. We’ll go find some beer. You like beer, right?

OSZ (nodding dispiritedly and still carrying the steering wheel): ‘kay.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers (brandishing the ¡SPONCH! bong): And more of this! We can get more of this, right?

Marc Tretsmans Windowless Van (crawling into the front seat of the Prius and out of the driver’s side opening): Oh, totally, man! That’s, like, everywhere, man. It’s, like, the national flower.

The four DFOers depart. The Prius sits silently for a few moments, then the left front wheel falls off. Mabel makes a pitiful hissing noise as, alone and forgotten, she slowly deflates.

Cut to: Future Moose, looking over all the cars in a used car lot. He goes down the rows, shaking his head.

Future Moose: Nope…nope…too small…too big…too smug…too German…too Italian

He walks to the end of the lot, frustrated. Then he notices…it. Future Moose turns, and a beam of sunlight falls on the car, making it radiate like a beacon in the darkness. A single cybernetic tear falls down Future Moose’s cheek.

Future Moose (in awe): It’s…perfect…!

To be continued…

 

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Beastmode Ate My Baby
A frequent guest-star on the award-winning seventeenth season of Here Come the Brides as well as Petticoat Junction: The Outlaw Years, Vic Darlington was arrested in Miami for poodle smuggling in 1986. Fleeing to the United States to avoid prosecution, he worked as a delivery boy for Señor Pizza until finding a steady gig as the bassist for the Johnny Zed Power Trio. He currently lives in North Hollywood with his trophy wife, two meerkats and the world's largest collection of second-hand bowling trophies.
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Covalent Blonde

pleasebeanelcamino…. pleasebeanelcamino…. pleasebeanelcamino

Brocky

So, does this mean we’re gonna have a competition to see who gets to restore mable? between Xzibit, Monster Garage, and those two shows that are spinoffs of pawn stars?

Spanky Datass

I wish this would embed, but maybe the link will work.
https://www.crumbles.co/?q=nope%20nope%20too%20small%20too%20big%20too%20smug%20too%20german%20too%20italian
It’s a little Crumbles audio/video using a line from this episode of HRTN.

Spanky Datass
Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Horatio Cornblower

There’s a woman who drives a Prius at our gym. Since this episode started I have not been able to walk by it without giggling. Well, more than I usually giggle at a Prius.

I meet cry a little after this episode.

Old School Zero

Don’t bogart that SPONCH box, man.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

SPONCH, SPONCH, pass, man.

Enrico Pallazzo

More Wolfman Rob trying to (sexually) assault hot dog vendors. Way less soccer. No offense.

Teddy's Bridge Over Troubled Water

Marc Trestman turned into Marc Tretsman so gradually I hardly even noticed!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

After all the hot sauce it’s going to take to make those tofu dogs edible, he’ll be Marc Trotsman soon enough.

Teddy's Bridge Over Troubled Water

Squanch!
comment image

Spanky Datass
montythisseemsstrangetome

Only Wolfman Rob could make a Prius squeal and smoke.

There might be more than one meaning to that sentence.

ballsofsteelandfury

So, you’re telling me Tom Brady had sex with Mabel?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Either that or Brett Favre did.