Hard Ride To Nowhere (Chapter 34)

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Beastmode Ate My Baby

A frequent guest-star on the award-winning seventeenth season of Here Come the Brides as well as Petticoat Junction: The Outlaw Years, Vic Darlington was arrested in Miami for poodle smuggling in 1986.Fleeing to the United States to avoid prosecution, he worked as a delivery boy for Señor Pizza until finding a steady gig as the bassist for the Johnny Zed Power Trio.He currently lives in North Hollywood with his trophy wife, two meerkats and the world’s largest collection of second-hand bowling trophies.
Beastmode Ate My Baby

The scene: Under the Pacific, where Doktor Zymm’s yuuuge RV rolls across the ocean floor. Inside, the DFOers are as yet unaware of their underwater journey, as they descend the stairs from the RV’s upper level.

Doktor Zymm: I must zay…a mazzage ist just vat I needed. I did not realize how tense I vas.

Pirate Sloth: Arr, I think I’ll be takin’s a dip in ye olde hot tub, if ye don’t mind.

Horatio Cornblower (riding on Moosemas Gorilla’s shoulder): No problem. Moosemas Gorilla and I can take over driving for awhile.

Doktor Zymm: Vas? Horatio, ve have talked about zis…

Horatio Cornblower: Relax, Zymm. It’s not like he’s Ezekiel Elliot. Besides, we have the auto-pilot, remember?

Doktor Zymm: Vell, all right…but you two behave. No monkeying around!

Moosemas Gorilla (offended): Ook!

Horatio Cornblower: Uncool, Zymm. You know he hates that.

Doktor Zymm (walking off): Fine, fine. Everyone else gets to make ze funnies, but I make vone little joke…

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook-ook.

Horatio Cornblower: I know. But she is a brilliant scientist.

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook?

Horatio Cornblower: Yup. First in her class at Miskatonic University.

Cut to: Pirate Sloth, in his pirate-themed swimming trunks, settling into the hot tub.

Pirate Sloth: Arr, that be relaxin’ after…

Pirate Sloth frown. He moves around trying to get comfortable. Finally he reaches down, searches around, and pulls up Otto’s Brain.

Pirate Sloth: Arr…

Otto’s Brain (angry): You sat on me.

Pirate Sloth: Arr, my apologies, Otto. I did not know ye were in here.

Otto’s Brain: Oh, sure. You guys just run off and leave the brain-guy in the tub. I could’ve boiled!

Doktor Zymm (walking up): Oh, don’t be zo dramatic, Otto. Your globe is heatproof.

Otto’s Brain: Really?

Doktor Zymm: Oh, ja. Short of, perhaps, dropping you in a volcano or…

Pirate Sloth (looking at Otto’s Brain): Arr?

Otto’s Brain (to Pirate Sloth): Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

Pirate Sloth (scrabbling out of the hot tub, still holding Otto’s Brain): Aye! I’m thinkin’ thar be a blowtorch somewhere in the galley!

Otto’s Brain: Let’s test this sucker out!

Doktor Zymm (watching them go): Ach, boys vill be boys…

Cut to: Moosemas Gorilla, sitting in the driver’s seat, Horatio Cornblower still on his shoulder. They are looking out the front windshield.

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook?

Horatio Cornblower: Yeah, it is dark out there. Hey, uh…car?

RV Auto Pilot: Affirmative.

Horatio Cornblower: Great. Um…do we need lights?

RV Auto Pilot: Negative. Sensors are fully operational.

Horatio Cornblower: Okay, good to know.

Horatio Cornblower and Moosemas Gorilla attempt to peer through the darkness. Something silver flashes by.

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook-ook?

Horatio Cornblower: That is weird. Hey…car? How about turning on the lights anyway?

RV Auto Pilot: Affirmative.

The multiple headlights turn on, illuminating the immediate area in front of the RV.

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook…

Horatio Cornblower: It sure looks wet out…

Out of the deep, dark blue a mako shark darts into view and swims past the RV.

Horatio Cornblower: Well that’s not right…

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook-ook! Ook!

Horatio Cornblower: No, I don’t think it’s a sharknado. Those don’t really exist.

Moosemas Gorilla points as a school of bluefin tuna swim by in the headlights.

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook!

Horatio Cornblower: Well, see, that just proves my point. There’s no way you’d find tuna in a sharknado. Hey, car, how about turning on the high beams?

RV Auto Pilot: Affirmative.

The high beams come on, lighting up a wide swath of the sea floor.

Horatio Cornblower: Huh. Um, Zymm… Zymm…?

Doktor Zymm: Ja, ja, Horatio, vat iz it?

Horatio Cornblower (pointing out the front window): Umm…

Doktor Zymm (staring out the windshield): Vell, zat ist not right. Vere are ve?

RV Auto Pilot: Current location: 26 degrees north, 141 degrees west.

Horatio Cornblower: So that puts us…

Doktor Zymm: In ze Pazific Ocean.

Horatio Cornblower: Car…are you trying to kill us, or is this just the world’s worst detour?

RV Auto Pilot: Negative. Destination: Hawaii.

Horatio Cornblower: Oh. Well, that explains…nothing.

RV Auto Pilot: Alert. Oxygen levels at 23%.

Doktor Zymm: Vas…?

RV Auto Pilot: Alert. Oxygen levels at 18%.

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook!

Horatio Cornblower: Should we start panicking now, or save that for later?

Suddenly Otto’s Brain rolls in, long trails of smoke billowing behind.

Otto’s Brain: Hey, Zymm! You’re right….I didn’t feel a thing!

Pirate Sloth (following Otto’s Brain in, butane blowtorch in hand): Arr, do ye be wantin’ to test the deep fryer now, Otto?

Doktor Zymm: Nein! No more fire! Ve need to conzerve our oxygen.

Horatio Cornblower (pointing at the ocean floor): Seems like we took the scenic route.

Pirate Sloth: Arr…

Otto’s Brain: Crap! We’re gonna drown, aren’t we?

Doktor Zymm: You cannot drown, Otto. You are in a zelf-contained, nigh invulnerable biosystem.

Otto’s Brain (calming down): Really? Cool! I mean, I’ll miss you guys and all, but…

Doktor Zymm: No vone is drowning. Car, can ve surface?

RV Auto Pilot: Affirmative.

Horatio Cornblower: I vote we do that!

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook-ook!

Doktor Zymm (holding up a finger): Ja. Make it zo.

Otto’s Brain: Picarding, Zymm? Really?

Everyone Else: Shut up, Otto!

To be continued…

 

Beastmode Ate My Baby
Beastmode Ate My Baby
A frequent guest-star on the award-winning seventeenth season of Here Come the Brides as well as Petticoat Junction: The Outlaw Years, Vic Darlington was arrested in Miami for poodle smuggling in 1986. Fleeing to the United States to avoid prosecution, he worked as a delivery boy for Señor Pizza until finding a steady gig as the bassist for the Johnny Zed Power Trio. He currently lives in North Hollywood with his trophy wife, two meerkats and the world's largest collection of second-hand bowling trophies.
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JerBear50Moose -The End Is Well NighUnsurprisedDoktor ZymmHoratio Cornblower Recent comment authors
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Unsurprised
Unsurprised

How the fuck did she not see that guy?

Doktor Zymm

This seems like a trip for…
comment image

Teddy's Bridge Over Troubled Water
Teddy's Bridge Over Troubled Water

Tune in next week when the DFOers bump into Mark Davis roaming the ocean floor!

http://imgur.com/lJSaU7g

Teddy's Bridge Over Troubled Water
Teddy's Bridge Over Troubled Water

On a related note, is it possible to embed images straight from the desktop?

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

I don’t think so, but I typically use Post Image for all of my uploading needs.

http://postimage.org/index.php?um=computer

Teddy's Bridge Over Troubled Water
Teddy's Bridge Over Troubled Water
Teddy's Bridge Over Troubled Water
Teddy's Bridge Over Troubled Water

It works! Huzzah! I know what I’m using from now on!

blaxabbath

http://www.athletepromotions.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/Warren-Sapp.jpg

“Yo, Pirate Sloth! I hear you like to wear pirate themed gear! Well, how about I put a real live cannon in your backyard aimed square at your kitchen window!? You love it, right? Great – let’s go get, but not pay for, some hookers!”

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

http://sports.cbsimg.net/u/photos/football/nfl/img22523068.jpg

/Makes an incoherent joke
//Laughs too hard at own joke

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“I endorse this practice.”

– Donald Trump

SonOfSpam

“The hookers did a bad job. Why would I pay someone who did a bad job? Sad.”

– Talking Yam (h/t Charles Pierce)

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
JerBear50
JerBear50

Retired players be damned, sometimes the concussion is worth it.

monty this seems strange to me

Tiny Horatio is really good at picking up on the subtle intonation variations that drastically alter the meaning of the Moosemas Gorilla spoken language.

Horatio Cornblower

Years of practice communicating with drunken clients

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

I want to share this so badly with my class but it would take too long to explain the context.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
ballsofsteelandfury

I like Picarding as a verb.I think I’ll add that to my vocabulary.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“We work hard, and we pick hard.”

– Jake Delhomme

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Unsurprised
Unsurprised

In retrospect, I should have gotten that Miskatonic U Schoool of Law t-shirt at Gen Con when. I had the chance.