Request Line: I Shot the Deejay

INT. RECORDING STUDIO – DAY

PRODUCER: …and so you’ll hear me through the earpiece, but of course the audience can’t hear any of it…

AQIB TALIB: [sipping from a cup of coffee] And then I just hit the “talkback” button if I need to speak to you guys and what I say won’t go out over the air?

PRODUCER: [delighted] That’s right!

TALIB: Don’t act so surprised, it was all right here in the packet you guys sent over to my agent [holds up a sheaf of papers].

PRODUCER: [smiles] You’ll have to accept my apology. I’m just not used to our guests from the NFL being so…well prepared. It’s really a pleasant surprise.

TALIB: Well, thanks. I’m honored that you guys extended the invitation.

PRODUCER: [flattered, beaming] It’s about time to start. You ready?

TALIB heads into the booth. He sets his coffee down – too close to the edge of the desk – and it tips over and spills onto the chair.

TALIB: Oh, bother!

PRODUCER: Don’t worry about it. Connor, would you go fetch him a clean chair?

The intern CONNOR wheels the original chair out of the office, then disappears down the hall in search of a new one.

TALIB: [standing behind the desk, hits the talkback button] Hey, is it okay if I use some of these “sound effect” buttons?

PRODUCER: Of course! Have fun! We’re live in three…two…one…

TALIB: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to Request Line! We’ll be serving up you-call-it specials all night long, just give us a ring and let us know what you’d like to hear. Before we get started with the music, I want to tell you folks, I paid a visit to V Live last night – that’s a nightclub in Dallas – and you would not believe the ladies that were in attendance…[presses sound effects button]

TALIB: The champagne was flowin’…

TALIB: My buddy D-Train was getting a little bit too frisky, so the bouncers had a word with him.

TALIB: And then…

Connor returns with a new chair, wheels it in and AQIB TALIB sits down.

AQIB TALIB slumps back in his chair and his eyes flutter closed.

PRODUCER: Aqib? Aqib? [assumes he has fallen asleep] Ah goddamnit.  Better go get him some more coffee, Connor.  [sighs] And I thought we finally had a true professional on our hands.

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All right, folks, it’s high noon, and in honor of AQIB TALIB finally giving us some juicy NFL news to keep us amused until training camp starts, today’s theme is GUNS! I’ll get us started with one of the classics.