Assorted NFL Bits & Bites:

• Matt Forte is likely out for at least one of the Jets’ preseason games.
  • Pfft – wake me when he starts missing regular season games and I have to adjust my lineup.
• Darrelle Revis is open to moving to safety from corner if either injury or team need requires.
  • Makes sense. I just don’t think he fits the requirement for the number of children a Jets corner is expected to have.
• Making that franchise tag look appropriate is Alshon Jeffrey, who missed practice today due to a hamstring injury.
• PFT says Jim Caldwell doesn’t have to make the playoffs in order to save his job. Wayne Fontes wants to know what the deal is?
• Michael Bennett was kicked out of practice for fighting with the O-line & had to be restrained by Cliff Avril of all people.
  • Pete Carroll called it “passion…that crossed a line.” BUT COULD IT MELT STEEL?!

Legal briefs:

• Atlanta waived Torrey Smith Green after learning of four (4!) sexual assault allegations dating from his time at Utah State in 2015. [edited to reflect correcting name]
  • Owner with-no-more-fucks-to-give Arthur Blank released a statement, saying, “We don’t want anybody connected to the organization who has those kinds of accusations around them.”
• Roger Goodell’s balls might appear a bit bigger today, after the 8th Circuit court ruled in his favour over his handling of the Adrian Peterson case.

Finally, Kyle Shanahan picked off Matt Ryan at Falcons camp.

https://twitter.com/HerbMcDerb/status/761227482561409024

That’s…not good.

The first Coaches Poll is out, and – surprise, surprise – Alabama is ranked #1. You can tell it’s horseshit because Notre Dame is in the Top-10, and Baylor is ranked 21. Expect Jim Harbaugh to have something to say about Michigan at #8.

Tonight’s sports & entertainment:

• CFL: ESPN2; TSN
  • BC at Montreal – 7:00
  • Saskatchewan at Calgary – 10:00
• Battlebots – 8:00 (ABC)
• Olympics 2016: Men’s soccer
  • Sweden vs. Colombia – 6:00 – USA
  • Fiji vs. South Korea – 7:00 – NBCSN

With Kellen Moore hurt and Dak Prescott nowhere near ready, the Cowboys need a backup quarterback. With Nick Foles having signed with the Chiefs Thursday morning, nfl.com has a list of actual legitimate candidates, with Josh McCown leading the list that also includes Mike Glennon, TJ Yates, and Michael Vick.

But that’s not DFO.

This is DFO – it’s time to engage in the best kind of speculation – wild speculation!

Tim Tebow

Let’s just get this weak-armed consistent rumor out of the way now. Nope. Never. He’s firmly ensconced at the SEC Network, and busily prepping his 2018 run for Congress representing Gainesville.

Plus, he’s a virgin, and while Jerry Jones might trust him to help with the cover-up, he doesn’t trust anyone who’s never done coke off a hooker’s behind.

Johnny Manziel

A logical choice, given his love of hookers & blow, plus you know Jerry J would like to right the wrong he was talked out of during that draft. Plus, the four-game suspension awaiting him upon his return to active playing is on the moderate side of what the Cowboys are used to these days. In addition, helping an A&M boy right his ship would get ol’ Double-J the positive press he loves.

The downside – no one can find him. Why, he could be behind you…RIGHT NOW!

Rex Grossman

OH YEAH – THE SEX CANNON!

Seriously – he’s only 35, and a full 2 1/2 years younger than Josh McCown. He’s got an arm that’s been proven somewhat capable, and he was last in training camp with the Falcons in 2015, who cut him just before the season started.

He’ll always be a hero to me because the Browns tried to sign him to a one-week contract in December 2014, and he said no because he preferred to stay on vacation. Vacation from what? DOESN’T MATTER!

Kyle Orton

Retired at the end of the 2014 season, he’s always considered a favourite because he has worn Cowboys colours in the past. Plus, there’s the immeasurable experience in cleaning up Romo’s messes.

But he seems to really be enjoying retirement, as he’s mused running for Congress from his current hometown of Baton Rouge, LA.

Jon Kitna

Don’t laugh. He’s done the fill-in duty for the Cowboys before. A downside is that he’s 43 years old, he is teaching & coaching high school in Waxahachie, Texas for $95,000 / year, and why the fuck would he?

But, if the Cowboys don’t have someone under contract after they face Seattle in Week 3 of the preseason, desperate times and all that. Plus, don’t discount JERRAL hitting up Mammy & Pappy Kitna about whether their son wants to come out and play again.

Jordan Rodgers

Not really an option, but Jerry did see him on TV the other night, trying to make an honest woman of some hooker he met who was down on her luck.

However, there have been stories lately about how he doesn’t get along with his brother Aaron. Probably because Jordan doesn’t approve of Asian girls^*. And if there’s one thing Jerry can’t stand, it’s someone who’d turn down quality poon discriminate based on race.

_{* = unproven allegation}

Snagglepuss

• Upside: Has great lateral movement.
• Downside: Unfamiliar with playbook. Might be unable to read.

Plus, he’s constantly being hounded by the law.

Sounds like the perfect 21st Century Jerry Jones draft pick.

Magilla Gorilla

Has the size Jerry Jones covets. He’s willing to play for bananas. Plus, he has game experience.

He’s also huge with the kids, a fact modern marketing can’t afford to ignore.

Now it’s your turn.