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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Law-abiding Raiders fan, pet owner, Los Angeles resident.
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Latest posts by Rikki-Tikki-Deadly (see all)

The origins of DoorFliesOpen.com are shrouded in some mystery, but one of the few tidbits that has emerged from the site’s early history is that Darkest Timeline Zach Morris and Rikki-Tikki-Deadly first connected with each other over their enjoyment of Rick and Morty.  They actually come up with plans to write a spec script for the show, but like many of their greatest ideas, this faded away in a cocaine-shrouded haze of marketing meetings over brunch, hastily scribbled notes to accountants directing that Spearmint Rhino receipts be filed as “research”, and visits to Armenian furniture shops in search of the perfect casting couch.  While their ambitions might have been put on hold, neither of them lost their love for the show, which is why it’s such a pleasure to present you with the following.  It’s pretty much exclusively composed of NSFW language, so be warned.  Enjoy!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Law-abiding Raiders fan, pet owner, Los Angeles resident.

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JerBear50Moose -The End Is Well NighballsofsteelandfuryBrettFavresColonoscopyUnsurprised Recent comment authors
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
ballsofsteelandfury

I made a wise decision not watching this at work.

It was fucking funny though!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
scotchnaut

/earlier today

Me: “I think one of the boys may have imbibed (didn’t use that word) some of the alcohol in the house.”

Wife: “Perhaps we should make the place alcohol-free for the next little while.”

Me: “Really? You’d be willing to give up your wine?”

Wife: “Sure. Why not?”

Me: [jokingly] “Then how the hell are you going to be able put up with me?”

Wife: [uncomfortable silence]

Me: [REALLY uncomfortable silence]

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I think it is excellent that they used the actual transcript of the trial.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
JustStopDude
JustStopDude

Seriously…fuck NBC.

If you are going to show fucking commercials, at least keep the fucking live game going in the goddamn corner or something.

YOU DO THAT ALL FUCKING READY FOR NASCAR!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Horatio Cornblower

“That motherfucker asked me to eat his ass for a bag of coffee!”

And here I am stuck arguing questions about long-arm statutes and personal jurisdictions for corporations.

I could, and pretty much have, listen to this all day.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

Jeez, the civet cat coffee craze extends even to America’s penitentiaries?

I gotta sell my shares in that new Bay Ridge co-op stat.

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

The judge went home that night blasting this:

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Porky Prime
Porky Prime

All right, I have Hulu anyway, I’ll give Rick and North another chance.

Porky Prime
Porky Prime

MORTY, goddamn Kindle spellchecker, it’s a NAME! I even manually capitalized it!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Your phone may be used to the search for Peter North

JustStopDude
JustStopDude

I think Fiji is gonna be destroyed…

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

I really, REALLY wish that was the actual audio.

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

CFL TIME WOO

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

The London police say the victims were random, but you know the American was being a fucking asshole already their entire trip

Sharkbait

We’re the worst overseas. I plan on saying I’m Canadian when I go on my honeymoon

JustStopDude
JustStopDude

Americans are annoying…but I would never say we are the worst. There are some TERRIBLE national tourist characteristics.

For example, the Chinese have this really…REALLY fucking annoying tendency of putting graffiti on historical shit. Its not just kids.

I’ve never met a group of English tourists that could drink in public and not start a fight. Only the English think its normal, appropriate behavior, if more than 4 of them are in a group, to shout racist, insulting chants are locals and their children. The hilarious thing about the British is they always act shocked when a local throws a punch or it makes bad press.

The Japanese tourist seems to have the habit of just losing all sense of safety. We have a LOT of babysitting with Japanese coworkers. So often times I am taking them and their families out to tourist stuff. I am constantly having to stop them from walking into traffic to take group photos or not walking onto a ledge.

I mean I wouldn’t say all Americans are terrible tourists…its the white people. Honkies are just annoying as shit.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I try to be as respectful as possible just for that reason… well, and because I’m a guest too.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I watched the uncensored version of that Rick and Morty clip while I was in the jurors’ lounge last week and was crying halfway through. Awesome work.

JustStopDude
JustStopDude

Someone needs to explain to me what Argentine is doing having Joe Hart in as goalie. HE DOES THIS EVERY TOURNAMENT FOR ENGLAND!

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

2 — 0

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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

GODDAMNIT SILL

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons
Sharkbait

Good lord that looks amazing.

scotchnaut

Octopi are amazingly intelligent/delicious. That is a rare combo.

Sharkbait

I almost feel bad for eating something smart. Almost.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

A friend of mine had a judge throw the hardbound Model Jury Instructions at his head. I was there. Had a pretty good arm for an old dude.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

He had the high ground

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
theeWeeBabySeamus

Bitch ass cracker.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Choke out; no tap out!

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

Ah, simpler times.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Since we’re sharing, I just saw this on my FB timeline. Derek Redmond completing the 400m with his father’s help at the 1992 Barcelona Olympics, 24 years ago.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised
Sharkbait

Sweden vs. Colombia. WHO YA GOT?

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

Second half of Portugal–Argentina coming up!

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

Serge Gnabry.

Of the Bayreuth Gnabrys.

They dropped the “Von” in the 50s because it was kinda gauche by then.

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

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theeWeeBabySeamus

That clip might be my most favoritest thing I’ve ever seen on youtube.
Thank you for this, RTD.

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

2 — 2

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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Speaking of kangaroo courts, the 8th Circuit upheld the NFL’s process in penalizing Adrian Peterson for nearly beating his son’s nuts off. This isn’t surprising. The problem with the NFLPA is that it’s comprised of and run by players, and merely playing pro football is pretty damning evidence of having poor to no judgment. Catch-22. Anyway, the CBA sucks and players are fucked.

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons
Unsurprised
Unsurprised

I should’ve eaten lunch

Sharkbait

I learned that lesson during the Euro.

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

I thought there was an Emperor Maximilian I joke in this match somewhere, but the was Austrian.

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Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
Sharkbait

Mmmmm kangaroo

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

I actually had a kangaroo burger when I was in Australia. I don’t particularly recommend it.

http://30.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m0382u6cE61r8yo2fo1_500.jpg

Sharkbait

I had one when I was there too, I enjoyed it. I just bought some to make for an opening ceremony party we’re having.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

There was a short-lived Australian restaurant in Albuquerque twenty years ago. I had the kangaroo burger. I can’t remember anything about it, and barely remember the restaurant, so it couldn’t have been too bad.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

I wouldn’t call it bad, just, like you said, forgettable.

From what I recall, it just tasted like a s’alright beef burger.

The emu sausage, on the other hand, had a lot of kick.

http://i.imgur.com/dGhP0.jpg

Sharkbait

Side note, are imgur links still dead? Or is there a fix?

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

/Reloads page

Apparently not.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Yeah, that sounds about right. Just a lean burger. Like bison.

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

It’s too lean and too gamey.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

One of the food trucks here has them, very good, similar taste as elk burgers.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

There’s a place down the street that serves different burgers each week but elk seems to be the meat every other week. Or wild boar or there was one that was, I want to say, pork and duck (a real ham ‘n egger). I wish I could try one.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I asked them and they mix ~10% pork with it to add some fat, and like elk don’t cook it as much as beef or it dries out. The duck burger I had was great too. All three mentioned have a bigger taste than beef, delicious if you like meat like deer and elk. I cook lamb and bison burgers at home; I prefer either over beef; a little leaner and a bolder taste.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Bison is the best.

JustStopDude
JustStopDude

I found the cuisine in general very disappointing in Australia unless I was going to an ethnic place.

They really need to cut and run from the English already…between the bad skin, the cricket, and the terrible cooking traditions…just start anew…

Don T

It does have the fun, angry banter of Minors’ Court, but without the soul-crushing realization that juvie WOULD provide the fucker a better standard of nutrition, healthcare, and lodging.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

For some reason I watched Short Term 12 the other night and now I just wish everyone was dead.

Don T

COOL STORY BRO Time:
I signed up for pro bono defense of minors the same day I was sworn. First client was a 15 yo with a baby, whose mom wanted to send her to jail and take the baby for increasing her welfare $. The mom said in court that my client constantly misbehaved, even when she and her live-in boyfriend beat her with a broom handle. The judge and prosecutor just looked at each other knowingly “That kid is incorrigible”, while I lost my voice asking the judge to charge the mom with aggravated battery. The judge just asked me: “Is this your first time in Minors’ Court?”. After nodding, judge and prosecutor both said “Figures”, and sent the kid to juvie for AN ASSAULT MISDEMEANOR AGAINST A MUCH BIGGER TEENAGER WHO ADMITTED TO HAVING STARTED THE FIGHT.
Good thing I fucking hate kids.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

This is why I don’t want to do family court work. I only spent a little time with the childrens’ court, but yeah, that sounds worse.

Don T

I was so furious that I threw away my glasses and was so full of indignation and helplessness that I cried like a whipped child in the parking lot. (I was 32 then.) But that was the last time I ever feared going to court.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

At least something good came from it. And to be fair, the kid sounds better off away from her shithead mom.

Don T

That did not end well for nobody. The kid found out in juvie she was pregnant again, recoiled when her baby (who she hadn’t seen for a week in prison) needed a diaper change, and then child #3 was due some months after her last supervised release hearing. I still take those cases, but for wholly selfish reasons, mainly skills building and sticking it to The Man. The helping people part has pretty much this effect:
http://lowres.jantoo.com/books-literature-hole-crack-power-power_stations-dyke-11802019_low.jpg

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Well, fuck.

JustStopDude
JustStopDude

I am shocked…yes SHOCKED that Brazil is already disappointing the fans.

At least if they torch the city, that’s a lot of garbage that is gonna get clear up…

Sharkbait

A living dumpster fire.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

The PD not have discovery a week before a murder trial and that’s perfectly normal. The Sixth Amendment has been turned into a joke.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised
The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

I’m actually proud of a Missouri public official for once. WHO KNEW!?!?

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

If you haven’t read the Seinfeld 9/11 spec script yet, you’ve done your day wrong.

Sharkbait

That was amazing. I’d love to see a table read by the cast.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Jesus Christ. That’s the most terrible thing I’ve read in a while.

JerBear50
JerBear50

Holy shit, thanks for the heads up. That was unbelievable.

Shogun Marcus

What is my purpose?
You pass butter.

Work defined.

Sharkbait

Watching Germany-Mexico. They just mentioned the time Germany collectively curb stomped an entire country.

comment image?1404851104&Expires=1470428596&Signature=WZnlBSC8oviplKLatpiCZ~MrsB8EeTGTOamPj3xy-Pl2Xb~iE6LtQdRi39GjvN28es3QvMHr~KZpnA7tRg4MdOlfL~BxOOC7GRCeeKApf2X~7gybHVEMM3JvZ1sTfcwaLWu-guHqo51kfpcmKT4JxBe43hcbXAfI9on6dyznYQ4_&Key-Pair-Id=APKAIYVGSUJFNRFZBBTA

Sharkbait

God Damnit

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JustStopDude
JustStopDude

Holy shit I need to scrub my eyeballs!

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

I assumed you meant Poland 1939…

JustStopDude
JustStopDude

Back from the Houston trip…it did not go well…not a single fucking thing went right.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

You were in Texas alright.

blaxabbath

Did you show up for training camp just to realize that, yeah, there’s no training camp.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Why would there be? There’s no NFL team in Houston.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Oh shit. The defendant is white?
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Sharkbait

Did not see that coming.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

On the other hand. the judge looks exactly like what I expected.

indieguy
indieguy

I really like rick and morty and I can’t wait for the next season. I actually ended up making a shirt based on rick and morty quotes https://www.teepublic.com/t-shirt/613801-schwiftyquotes

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

It’s only fair that the judge was portrayed as Morty.

Horatio Cornblower

I was on the floor listening to that. I thought my argument on Monday got out of hand but Jesus God it was a mild “have a nice day” compared to this.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

THREADJACK: Foles signs with Kansas City! http://www.nfl.com/news/story/0ap3000000679576/article/former-rams-qb-nick-foles-agrees-to-deal-with-chiefs

With yet another passable backup taken off the market, Dallas and Manziel continue on their inevitable collision course, like two dying stars circling in an ever-tightening spiral. The biggest question is whether Romo can stay healthy for the four games Johnny Punchbuggy is suspended.

Joey Bosa and Dean Spanos apparently can both take an awful lot of foam-rubber lovin’, because the holdout shows no sign of abating.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

I can see it now as game 4 ends and Jerry personally slaps Romo on the shoulder hard enough to bring him down like Building 7.

jjfozz

Dear God, this is JJ Fozz.

I am a bad person. I am a sinner. I drink bourbon and smoke cigars. I tell awful jokes and look at questionable material on the internet and also on DFO. Often, I screw shit up with my sons and my wife. Cursing is kind of an art in my world. As a Sicilian, I am an accomplished liar. (This is kind of your fault as you made us this way. Also, cursing our women with facial hair, on the other hand they are usually stacked.)

So far, I’m not doing too well.

What would it take, dear God, to have Johnny Football play for Dallas?

I await your answer.

JJ Fozz, Recovering Catholic

PS
If you want to shoot this info over to Lucifer, I have a soul for sale. Kind of dirty and torn, but still, it’s a soul.

blaxabbath

This kind of shit is exactly why I’ve written the Serial finale twice and am going to wait until the end of camp to bother with a third time. That dude is fucking believable.

He must go to the Cowboys.

jjfozz

There was a picnic at work today, and you would have thought they were giving away free bourbon and boobies – I didn’t go. Sat in my cube and read The Shining.

I am pathetic.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Dude. Sun. Gotta get that vitamin D.

ballsofsteelandfury

PHRASING!

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

LOVE THAT D

blaxabbath
theeWeeBabySeamus

Re-reading The Stand currently.
The Shining might go down next.
/phrasing

ballsofsteelandfury

Yeah, I’m not clicking on that at work.

It will have to be later.