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The origins of DoorFliesOpen.com are shrouded in some mystery, but one of the few tidbits that has emerged from the site’s early history is that Darkest Timeline Zach Morris and Rikki-Tikki-Deadly first connected with each other over their enjoyment of Rick and Morty. They actually come up with plans to write a spec script for the show, but like many of their greatest ideas, this faded away in a cocaine-shrouded haze of marketing meetings over brunch, hastily scribbled notes to accountants directing that Spearmint Rhino receipts be filed as “research”, and visits to Armenian furniture shops in search of the perfect casting couch. While their ambitions might have been put on hold, neither of them lost their love for the show, which is why it’s such a pleasure to present you with the following. It’s pretty much exclusively composed of NSFW language, so be warned. Enjoy!
State of Georgia vs. Denver Fenton Allen
I made a wise decision not watching this at work.
It was fucking funny though!
/earlier today
Me: “I think one of the boys may have imbibed (didn’t use that word) some of the alcohol in the house.”
Wife: “Perhaps we should make the place alcohol-free for the next little while.”
Me: “Really? You’d be willing to give up your wine?”
Wife: “Sure. Why not?”
Me: [jokingly] “Then how the hell are you going to be able put up with me?”
Wife: [uncomfortable silence]
Me: [REALLY uncomfortable silence]
I think it is excellent that they used the actual transcript of the trial.
Seriously…fuck NBC.
If you are going to show fucking commercials, at least keep the fucking live game going in the goddamn corner or something.
YOU DO THAT ALL FUCKING READY FOR NASCAR!
“That motherfucker asked me to eat his ass for a bag of coffee!”
And here I am stuck arguing questions about long-arm statutes and personal jurisdictions for corporations.
I could, and pretty much have, listen to this all day.
Jeez, the civet cat coffee craze extends even to America’s penitentiaries?
I gotta sell my shares in that new Bay Ridge co-op stat.
The judge went home that night blasting this:
All right, I have Hulu anyway, I’ll give Rick and North another chance.
MORTY, goddamn Kindle spellchecker, it’s a NAME! I even manually capitalized it!
Your phone may be used to the search for Peter North
I think Fiji is gonna be destroyed…
I really, REALLY wish that was the actual audio.
CFL TIME WOO
The London police say the victims were random, but you know the American was being a fucking asshole already their entire trip
We’re the worst overseas. I plan on saying I’m Canadian when I go on my honeymoon
Americans are annoying…but I would never say we are the worst. There are some TERRIBLE national tourist characteristics.
For example, the Chinese have this really…REALLY fucking annoying tendency of putting graffiti on historical shit. Its not just kids.
I’ve never met a group of English tourists that could drink in public and not start a fight. Only the English think its normal, appropriate behavior, if more than 4 of them are in a group, to shout racist, insulting chants are locals and their children. The hilarious thing about the British is they always act shocked when a local throws a punch or it makes bad press.
The Japanese tourist seems to have the habit of just losing all sense of safety. We have a LOT of babysitting with Japanese coworkers. So often times I am taking them and their families out to tourist stuff. I am constantly having to stop them from walking into traffic to take group photos or not walking onto a ledge.
I mean I wouldn’t say all Americans are terrible tourists…its the white people. Honkies are just annoying as shit.
I try to be as respectful as possible just for that reason… well, and because I’m a guest too.
I watched the uncensored version of that Rick and Morty clip while I was in the jurors’ lounge last week and was crying halfway through. Awesome work.
Someone needs to explain to me what Argentine is doing having Joe Hart in as goalie. HE DOES THIS EVERY TOURNAMENT FOR ENGLAND!
2 — 0
GODDAMNIT SILL
Good lord that looks amazing.
Octopi are amazingly intelligent/delicious. That is a rare combo.
I almost feel bad for eating something smart. Almost.
A friend of mine had a judge throw the hardbound Model Jury Instructions at his head. I was there. Had a pretty good arm for an old dude.
He had the high ground
Bitch ass cracker.
Choke out; no tap out!
Ah, simpler times.
Since we’re sharing, I just saw this on my FB timeline. Derek Redmond completing the 400m with his father’s help at the 1992 Barcelona Olympics, 24 years ago.
Sweden vs. Colombia. WHO YA GOT?
Second half of Portugal–Argentina coming up!
Serge Gnabry.
Of the Bayreuth Gnabrys.
They dropped the “Von” in the 50s because it was kinda gauche by then.
That clip might be my most favoritest thing I’ve ever seen on youtube.
Thank you for this, RTD.
2 — 2
Speaking of kangaroo courts, the 8th Circuit upheld the NFL’s process in penalizing Adrian Peterson for nearly beating his son’s nuts off. This isn’t surprising. The problem with the NFLPA is that it’s comprised of and run by players, and merely playing pro football is pretty damning evidence of having poor to no judgment. Catch-22. Anyway, the CBA sucks and players are fucked.
I should’ve eaten lunch
I learned that lesson during the Euro.
I thought there was an Emperor Maximilian I joke in this match somewhere, but the was Austrian.
Mmmmm kangaroo
I actually had a kangaroo burger when I was in Australia. I don’t particularly recommend it.
http://30.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m0382u6cE61r8yo2fo1_500.jpg
I had one when I was there too, I enjoyed it. I just bought some to make for an opening ceremony party we’re having.
There was a short-lived Australian restaurant in Albuquerque twenty years ago. I had the kangaroo burger. I can’t remember anything about it, and barely remember the restaurant, so it couldn’t have been too bad.
I wouldn’t call it bad, just, like you said, forgettable.
From what I recall, it just tasted like a s’alright beef burger.
The emu sausage, on the other hand, had a lot of kick.
Side note, are imgur links still dead? Or is there a fix?
/Reloads page
Apparently not.
Yeah, that sounds about right. Just a lean burger. Like bison.
It’s too lean and too gamey.
One of the food trucks here has them, very good, similar taste as elk burgers.
There’s a place down the street that serves different burgers each week but elk seems to be the meat every other week. Or wild boar or there was one that was, I want to say, pork and duck (a real ham ‘n egger). I wish I could try one.
I asked them and they mix ~10% pork with it to add some fat, and like elk don’t cook it as much as beef or it dries out. The duck burger I had was great too. All three mentioned have a bigger taste than beef, delicious if you like meat like deer and elk. I cook lamb and bison burgers at home; I prefer either over beef; a little leaner and a bolder taste.
Bison is the best.
I found the cuisine in general very disappointing in Australia unless I was going to an ethnic place.
They really need to cut and run from the English already…between the bad skin, the cricket, and the terrible cooking traditions…just start anew…
It does have the fun, angry banter of Minors’ Court, but without the soul-crushing realization that juvie WOULD provide the fucker a better standard of nutrition, healthcare, and lodging.
For some reason I watched Short Term 12 the other night and now I just wish everyone was dead.
COOL STORY BRO Time:
I signed up for pro bono defense of minors the same day I was sworn. First client was a 15 yo with a baby, whose mom wanted to send her to jail and take the baby for increasing her welfare $. The mom said in court that my client constantly misbehaved, even when she and her live-in boyfriend beat her with a broom handle. The judge and prosecutor just looked at each other knowingly “That kid is incorrigible”, while I lost my voice asking the judge to charge the mom with aggravated battery. The judge just asked me: “Is this your first time in Minors’ Court?”. After nodding, judge and prosecutor both said “Figures”, and sent the kid to juvie for AN ASSAULT MISDEMEANOR AGAINST A MUCH BIGGER TEENAGER WHO ADMITTED TO HAVING STARTED THE FIGHT.
Good thing I fucking hate kids.
This is why I don’t want to do family court work. I only spent a little time with the childrens’ court, but yeah, that sounds worse.
I was so furious that I threw away my glasses and was so full of indignation and helplessness that I cried like a whipped child in the parking lot. (I was 32 then.) But that was the last time I ever feared going to court.
At least something good came from it. And to be fair, the kid sounds better off away from her shithead mom.
That did not end well for nobody. The kid found out in juvie she was pregnant again, recoiled when her baby (who she hadn’t seen for a week in prison) needed a diaper change, and then child #3 was due some months after her last supervised release hearing. I still take those cases, but for wholly selfish reasons, mainly skills building and sticking it to The Man. The helping people part has pretty much this effect:
http://lowres.jantoo.com/books-literature-hole-crack-power-power_stations-dyke-11802019_low.jpg
Well, fuck.
I am shocked…yes SHOCKED that Brazil is already disappointing the fans.
At least if they torch the city, that’s a lot of garbage that is gonna get clear up…
A living dumpster fire.
The PD not have discovery a week before a murder trial and that’s perfectly normal. The Sixth Amendment has been turned into a joke.
I’m actually proud of a Missouri public official for once. WHO KNEW!?!?
If you haven’t read the Seinfeld 9/11 spec script yet, you’ve done your day wrong.
That was amazing. I’d love to see a table read by the cast.
Jesus Christ. That’s the most terrible thing I’ve read in a while.
Holy shit, thanks for the heads up. That was unbelievable.
What is my purpose?
You pass butter.
…
Work defined.
What does Sam Bradford have to do with any of this?
How DARE he waste rich creamery butter!
Come on, Rikki, do you REALLY have time to watch a nine and a half minute video of Eagles receivers dropping passes?
Apparently yes. Yes I do.
Watching Germany-Mexico. They just mentioned the time Germany collectively curb stomped an entire country.
?1404851104&Expires=1470428596&Signature=WZnlBSC8oviplKLatpiCZ~MrsB8EeTGTOamPj3xy-Pl2Xb~iE6LtQdRi39GjvN28es3QvMHr~KZpnA7tRg4MdOlfL~BxOOC7GRCeeKApf2X~7gybHVEMM3JvZ1sTfcwaLWu-guHqo51kfpcmKT4JxBe43hcbXAfI9on6dyznYQ4_&Key-Pair-Id=APKAIYVGSUJFNRFZBBTA
God Damnit
Holy shit I need to scrub my eyeballs!
I assumed you meant Poland 1939…
Back from the Houston trip…it did not go well…not a single fucking thing went right.
You were in Texas alright.
Did you show up for training camp just to realize that, yeah, there’s no training camp.
Why would there be? There’s no NFL team in Houston.
Oh shit. The defendant is white?
Did not see that coming.
On the other hand. the judge looks exactly like what I expected.
I really like rick and morty and I can’t wait for the next season. I actually ended up making a shirt based on rick and morty quotes https://www.teepublic.com/t-shirt/613801-schwiftyquotes
It’s only fair that the judge was portrayed as Morty.
I was on the floor listening to that. I thought my argument on Monday got out of hand but Jesus God it was a mild “have a nice day” compared to this.
I’m glad you enjoyed it because in my mind I pictured the public defender as you, even though I’ve never actually seen your face.
Complete with dickheads making jokes about his wife
I’m flattered.
THREADJACK: Foles signs with Kansas City! http://www.nfl.com/news/story/0ap3000000679576/article/former-rams-qb-nick-foles-agrees-to-deal-with-chiefs
With yet another passable backup taken off the market, Dallas and Manziel continue on their inevitable collision course, like two dying stars circling in an ever-tightening spiral. The biggest question is whether Romo can stay healthy for the four games Johnny Punchbuggy is suspended.
Joey Bosa and Dean Spanos apparently can both take an awful lot of foam-rubber lovin’, because the holdout shows no sign of abating.
I can see it now as game 4 ends and Jerry personally slaps Romo on the shoulder hard enough to bring him down like Building 7.
Dear God, this is JJ Fozz.
I am a bad person. I am a sinner. I drink bourbon and smoke cigars. I tell awful jokes and look at questionable material on the internet and also on DFO. Often, I screw shit up with my sons and my wife. Cursing is kind of an art in my world. As a Sicilian, I am an accomplished liar. (This is kind of your fault as you made us this way. Also, cursing our women with facial hair, on the other hand they are usually stacked.)
So far, I’m not doing too well.
What would it take, dear God, to have Johnny Football play for Dallas?
I await your answer.
JJ Fozz, Recovering Catholic
PS
If you want to shoot this info over to Lucifer, I have a soul for sale. Kind of dirty and torn, but still, it’s a soul.
This kind of shit is exactly why I’ve written the Serial finale twice and am going to wait until the end of camp to bother with a third time. That dude is fucking believable.
He must go to the Cowboys.
There was a picnic at work today, and you would have thought they were giving away free bourbon and boobies – I didn’t go. Sat in my cube and read The Shining.
I am pathetic.
Dude. Sun. Gotta get that vitamin D.
PHRASING!
LOVE THAT D
What’s funny is that such an antisocial attitude would make for an excellent caretaker of the Overlook.
Re-reading The Stand currently.
The Shining might go down next.
/phrasing
Yeah, I’m not clicking on that at work.
It will have to be later.
Lunchtime! It’s censored, so it’s not THAT bad.
/still might want to wear headphones, though.
Lunchtime with RTD!
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