Your Olympics Day 1 (Technically 3) Saturday Open Thread

Fuck, it’s early on the West Coast and yet we already have our first Gold medal and it’s

 

USA USA USA!

Virginia Thrasher from the USA in Air Rifle.  You know, if you can’t make a good school shooting joke out of that, I don’t think I know you.

Lots of events on today with medals being handed out in Archery

Road Cycling, Fencing, Judo, Shooting (more American medals, y’all!), Swimming, and Weightlifting.

I propose a DFO Drinking Game/Posting Challenge:  Every Gold medal winner gets a shot of the most common liquor from that country and a picture of a model from that country (could be male or female, no discrimination here) posted on this thread.

What say you?

BALLS’ TIP O’ THE DAY:  The best way to watch the Olympics is to be in a country other than the US.  If, for some reason, that is not possible, get a VPN and pretend you’re Canadian.  They really have the best coverage and there is no nationalistic bent to the coverage.  THANKS CANADIA!

Have at it!

0 0 votes
Article Rating
ballsofsteelandfury
Balls somehow lost his bio and didn't realize it. He's now scrambling to write something clever and failing. He likes butts, boobs, most things that start with the letter B, and writing in the Second Person. Geelong, Toluca, Barcelona, and Steelers, in that order.
Subscribe
Notify of
646 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
JustStopDude

So I am in college, drunk, and my roommate, who was something like 19 (I was 28), decided he wanted to try out for our mascot. I tried to explain to him that it was more than just wearing some stupid costume…like you needed to be in serious shape.

He drags me to the gym, where tryouts are. Keep in mind, we are in the Atlantic East. Our chess team was the most successful sports program. Timmy and I walk in. The dude running the tryouts look us both other and I just point to Tim and say “He’s the one”. All around us, dudes are doing like flips, routines, and shit.

The guy running the tryouts asked Tim how many years of training he has in gymnastics and tumbling.

Tim smartly realized he was far out of his league so we went drinking instead.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

THE DEMON WEED!!!!

WCS

comment image

Doktor Zymm

The lady in the photo…why is her upper arm tied off? Methinks the people who captioned this didn’t look too close.

Okay, fine it’s the style of her shirt.

Gratliff

It’s pretty much at the point where satire and sincerity have completely merged. This one could go either way.

Sill Bimmons

It’s by Christians For Michele Bachmann, so I’m leaning toward “sincerity.”

Horatio Cornblower

Christians for Marcus Bachmann is just a gay porn site.

Gratliff

My favorite part is the MS Paint’d (no way this person knows Photoshop) pipe

Unsurprised

Poe’s Law

Horatio Cornblower

Marijuana can kill if you get so stoned that you trip over your Mom’s knit rugs, which, goddammit Mom, if I’ve told you one I’ve told you a thousand time those things are a fucking menace, and fall head first into the wall and break your neck, which seems to be the case here.

Sill Bimmons

He was also clearly shooting up with that pipe.

Doktor Zymm

Damn, I love, love the shoulders. But this guy is tight as fuck through his core. That’s abs, all the abs, all the way.

JustStopDude

I think the pummel horse inflicted testicular trauma encourages strong shoulders.

JustStopDude

Damn it…comment fail. I meant to comment your previous comment…or something…

http://www.gifbin.com/bin/112012/1352739907_gymnast_on_pommel_horse.gif

WE CAN’T ALL BE GRACEFUL!!!

Doktor Zymm

It’s all good. I couldn’t pommel horse worth shit. I did once horribly bruise my girly regions when I was about 8, since I decided I was a tight rope walker, and would walk across any poles at any height in my elementary school playground. I slipped, legs out, landed full on the hooha. My mother thinks it brought on early puberty. Whether it did or not, my shoulders are only averagely sexy.

JustStopDude

I used to have to do my own catheters. One of my nurses explained to me that she has had one before and it was pretty similar to childbirth in the way of pain when removing them.

Needless to say, I am a full advocate for 6 months of paid maternity leave.

Women got like cray-cray pain tolerance…

Doktor Zymm

Oh ouch, it’s easy to have a pain tolerance when it’s your own shit that you’re putting up with, but that catheter shit sounds awful. I haven’t given birth, and probably won’t since that’s not happening with my consent. The worst pain I’ve had in my life was an adult ear infection, it was 12 hours from nothing till burst ear drum. Way worse than a kidney infection,

Gratliff

comment image

Horatio Cornblower

“And the East German judge gives her a 10!”

Doktor Zymm

There is no male gymnast that doesn’t have totally sexy shoulders.

Gratliff

Swedes are getting rekt.

JustStopDude

I really think its the Brazilian’s best squad. Both times the US has beaten them for gold, it went to penalty kicks.

They are playing loose. They all seem to be on the same page (except for that cheap garbage time goal).

Basically the ladies are doing everything the men are suppose to do.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

I read “Brazilian’s best squad” as “Brazilian death squad.” I was wondering just what new Sport they were introducing into the Olympics.

Horatio Cornblower

Male gymnasts are fucking jacked. And like 5’5″.

Yeah, you’ve got a gold medal but you still need my help to get that cereal off the top shelf.

Doktor Zymm

I’m 5’3″ and I don’t need to wear heels on a date. Totally down.

Horatio Cornblower

Plus you probably keep your cereal on the lower shelves so if things work out, well, breakfast is served!

Doktor Zymm

It’s on the counter, next to the food processor. Also, I keep a step-stool in the kitchen for the high shelves!

Sill Bimmons

See?

Gratliff

My sisters are 5’1″, and 4’10”. I am 5’9″ like other humans. When the wee-er one came over to visit, she had to wake me up in the morning because she couldn’t reach any of my breakfast shit.

Doktor Zymm

4’10” is legit short, but why don’t you own any chairs she felt comfortable standing on? You should get better furniture 🙂

Gratliff

I was 5 months into a fresh divorce. My dining room chairs were 4 steel folding chairs I stole from the farm where my father-in-law left them after he stole them from LSSU when he was head of grounds there.

Sill Bimmons
Doktor Zymm

That’s quite similar to the one I have! It folds flat and can be stowed in a very small space until needed.

Sill Bimmons

It’s amazing the things we can do these days!

Horatio Cornblower

MAYBE!

JustStopDude

Marta is a FUCKING BEAST!

2 goals, an assist….

She literally just trolled the Sweden defender by passing the ball back to herself off the woman’s face.

Sill Bimmons
Gratliff

Yeah. I don’t get the vegemite and marmite thing at all.

Doktor Zymm

Proudly made FROM Vegemite? WTF is that?!

Gratliff

From wiki:

Vegemite (/ˈvɛdʒᵻmaɪt/ vej-ə-myt)[2][3] is a dark brown Australian food paste made from leftover brewers’ yeast extract with various vegetable and spice additives developed by Cyril P. Callister in Melbourne, Victoria, in 1922.[4]

A spread for sandwiches, toast, crumpets and cracker biscuits as well as a filling for pastries, Vegemite is similar to British, New Zealand and South African Marmite, Australian Promite, MightyMite, OzEmite and D Swiss Cenovis. With the brand now owned by American company Mondelēz International, other Australian-owned spreads have entered the market to provide an alternative, such as the yeast-based AussieMite.

Vegemite is salty, slightly bitter, malty, and rich in umami – similar to beef bouillon.

JustStopDude

When I was living in Australia, I could not bring myself to eat it. Every single time I tried to, the odor would make me gag.

Apparently the proper way to do it is to get toast, put about a pound of fucking butter on it, and then a tiny thin coat of vegemite.

Sill Bimmons

I think they mean “Australia” as a metaphorical being that Vegemite has been “making.”

http://www.powerhousemuseum.com/australia_innovates//media/client/P039_10.jpg

Gratliff

I’m surprised at how high Isabelle Forrer gets off the ground.
comment image

Genital Issimo

I like the closeups on the finger signals they do behind their scantily clad bottoms. Those really help me understand the complex strategy they are employing.

blaxabbath

“Can’t imagine how they won’t advance!”

Uhhhhh — isn’t the Olympics the one where we all caught judges trading votes?

JustStopDude

You talking men’s gymnastics? Wait…is NBC still tape delaying shit further???

Gratliff

It is. I watched the swimming medal ceremony for the events they’re airing already.

blaxabbath

I don’t know. It was watching Stranger Things and then this is the channel that was on.

I’m going booze shopping in a bit so, hey, good for these guys.

blaxabbath

Brazil looking good in gymnastics

comment image

Gratliff

Oh hai Swiss beach volleyball team

JustStopDude

Has any Olympic swimmer ever shitted themselves in the pool? I know there was a brawl once in a pool during the Olympics between Hungary and USSR (water polo).

I have to imagine at least once, an Olympic swimmer shat themselves in the pool.

Horatio Cornblower

A woman did that once when on the verge of finishing one of the first Ironman Triathalons.

I shit myself at the idea of trying an Ironman Triathalon.

Doktor Zymm

Camping sex is good first sex in a relationship, right?

Genital Issimo

I dunno – seems like car sex is the best first sex, if I recall correctly. Camping sex comes later (phrasing!)

Horatio Cornblower

Not if it’s your scout master.

Doktor Zymm

Where’s the Laphroig? The Aardbeg? The Lagavulin?

Sill Bimmons

Those are are Islay malts #NawtAsPeaty

Sill Bimmons

#I’mWrongOnThatIt’sBeenAwhile

Doktor Zymm

Yes, they Islay, and Islay is the peaty place, there ain’t a single malt more peaty than an Aardbeg. Certainly not MacAllen or Glenlivet!

Sill Bimmons

Yep you’re absolutely right I had it backward.

Doktor Zymm

It’s all good.

Sill Bimmons

It’s been over two years…

Doktor Zymm

You’re an intelligent man, you could probably teach yourself moderation. I feel the “all or nothing” model of alcholism is harmful. If nothing else, it leaves no hope for people with binge eating disorder.

Sill Bimmons

Probably, but not yet.

I don’t really miss it all that much anymore.

Except sake.

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-rABtDFvUsGM/UlMJCpSivRI/AAAAAAAAEnQ/rBZqjpHPFvY/s1600/emmaemerson_Sakaya_NYC_2.jpg

Doktor Zymm

If you don’t miss it, don’t do it. You got it right. Alcohol is a weird one, probably the only one with a significant social impact for most people. I would have a really hard time going no drinks, mostly because there are enough social contexts where it’s basically expected. Part of that is the culture where I work, but it’s also the region I live. Chicago is a drunk-ass town.

Doktor Zymm

Oh, you mean the swimmer Peaty. He’s English! He probably drinks 3L of cider, sweet as shit.
http://www.thegrocer.co.uk/Pictures/620xAny/3/2/9/11329_White-Lightning-cider.jpg

Sill Bimmons

That stuff is poison.

Doktor Zymm

Yes. Yes it is. Even though it’s made from apples. It does not keep the doctor away.

Sill Bimmons

comment image

Genital Issimo

Embarrassing admission alert – I had the EMERGENCY! lunchbox in grade school.

JustStopDude

comment image

I was a weird child….

Doktor Zymm

I didn’t properly appreciate PeeWee’s Playhouse as a kid. There are loads of adult jokes in there. But I still loved it, great damn show.

JustStopDude

Brazil’s women’s soccer team actually showed up as opposed to the men.

These ladies look scary. Up 3-0 before the end of the half. Sweden (which are not suppose to be push overs) is just fucking shell shocked.

JustStopDude

Also…how the fucking hell is Marta still playing? I am fairly certain she has been in every Olympics since the Atlanta games.

She is still generating offensive plays like crazy. The fans go nuts whenever she gets the ball.

Its like she is the anti-Wayne Rooney.

Gratliff

A somehow goonier looking Matt Smith wins the gold

Doktor Zymm

“I’m just born to have babies and play volleyball”
*vomit vomit vomit*
UGH, FUCK YOU NBC, there’s seriously nothing going on right now? Show me a goddamn ad before this shit. I don’t care about this melanoma waiting to happen’s kids.

Gratliff

Do I dare switch from on-demand streams to the official NBC feed? I fear this would be ill-advised.

Doktor Zymm

Do you like dumbass soppy backstories that don’t relate even a bit to the sport in question?

Gratliff

Do I ever!? I do not.

However, the events on the official stream aren’t available on-demand. :/

Doktor Zymm

Sounds like multiple windows are your friend here. Event? Watch. Dumb shit? Switch.

Sill Bimmons

comment image

Horatio Cornblower

Generally speaking if you break a world record that badly your urine can probably melt steel beams.

JustStopDude

What event? Sorry I’ve been watching soccer…and trying to find information on NBC’s website is a battle in futility.

Doktor Zymm

Women’s swiming

JustStopDude

Thank you.

Doktor Zymm

Christ. That’s….damn.

Sill Bimmons

Holy shit that was an annihilation.

http://hungarian-salami.com/pick3X400.jpg

Horatio Cornblower

I guess the lesson here is: Marry a psychopath and reap the world records.

Sill Bimmons

Dude does look…intense…

Horatio Cornblower

Long article in the NY Times about their relationship.

It’s, um, unique.

Sill Bimmons

Sounds grim.

Horatio Cornblower

It does, but they both say he’s just a nut case as a coach and a big ol’ teddy bear at home so who knows. Can’t pass up a good story.

Doktor Zymm

If you break the current world record, but someone else breaks it harder and you still get silver, are you disappointed, or are you like, damn, I’m the 2nd best person EVER!

Sill Bimmons

comment image

Doktor Zymm

Research shows that bronze medalists are generally happier than silver, because if you’re bronze, the alternative is nothing, so you’re a winner. If you’re silver, the alternative is gold, so you’re a loser. But I did wonder if breaking a world record might alter that dynamic a bit, even if you don’t get to hold the record. That’s still gotta be a rush.

JustStopDude

All you got to do is just spray paint that shit gold. That’s how I got my “world’s best dad” medal.

Doktor Zymm

Don’t be ashamed, world’s third best dad is still pretty good.

JustStopDude

…sniff….

I MADE IT MYSELF…..

/sobs

Doktor Zymm

It’s best to be in an event that’s early in the Olympics. Then you can win a medal, party and drink and fuck other totally fit athletes.

Horatio Cornblower

I’ll bet that’s exactly what that gal who won the air rifle medal is thinking.

WCS

WEST VIRGINIA REPRESENT WOOOOOO

Doktor Zymm

You know it. If you see some guys showing up hungover but with that adorable, dumb sex grin on their faces on Monday, Tuesday, events…..

Gratliff

What’s that little statue they give during the medal ceremony? It would look good next to the space invader and tribble on my desk at work.

Horatio Cornblower

Is it Touchdown Jesus from that Rio mountain?

blaxabbath

Who has a good Caipirinha recipe? I want to get into the spirit of the games tonight.

Doktor Zymm

It ain’t hard, you got some fresh limes?

blaxabbath

I can buy some. And I found recipes online — they look surprisingly simple. Thought there might be some kind of special Half-Blood Prince trick to preparation.

Doktor Zymm

Not really, if you can muddle some limes, you’re good.

blaxabbath

Oh.

I’m still going to stir it counter-clockwise just to be safe.

Sill Bimmons

comment image

Sill Bimmons

comment image

Genital Issimo

How did Debartolo get tangled up in Louisiana politics anyway?

blaxabbath

So, in his statements, he may have short-circuited it and for that, he will, you know, try to clarify why everything he told the NFL was the truth.

blaxabbath

The girl in Stranger Things is Dewey from Malcolm in the Middle.

Doktor Zymm

These guys are swimming breast stroke faster than most guys stroke a breast.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

They swim for longer than 19 seconds too.

Gratliff

I view my time the same way the swimmer’s do.

Col. Duke LaCross

Is that something that you really go for speed in?

Doktor Zymm

Don’t confuse speed and duration. Duration is good, speed may or may not be good depending on the technique.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Horatio Cornblower

Objects In Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear

herodotus450

Well yeah, even I would look good in industrial grade spanks like that.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

and you’d still miss the joke.

Sill Bimmons
Unsurprised

I would use this comment as my excuse to kill him while avoiding the hate crime enhancement.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Guess I just thought it was funny.

Sill Bimmons

comment image

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

At least they don’t know this difference between causation and casual association or coincidence.

Sill Bimmons

comment image

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Check engine light; ON.

JustStopDude

1976- Perfect 10 dismount
http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view2/1218809/nadia-comaneci-1976-o.gif

More modern…9-ish…
http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-WoIhWe2eksI/VVip8h_s4rI/AAAAAAAADFY/AY9b0Rv_ze0/s400/lmdh9.gif

Its crazy how much gymnastics, and sports in general change.

blaxabbath

The real shame with so much of the Olympics is that you can’t even appreciate how good these athletes are. Like figure skating or rings or uneven bars — I literally don’t even know that the body works like that. Other events like track or swimming, it’s just hard on tv to get a feel for how fast they are going.

Horatio Cornblower

A world class swimmer will do the 100 meter freestyle in 46-49 seconds. I swim a fair amount and if I really cranked it up I MIGHT crack 1:30. Then I would vomit all over the pool deck.

Swimming that fast boggles my mind.

blaxabbath

Yeah, I mean, I used to be a decent runner (ran in college) but the relative speed just doesn’t translate through the tv.

Basketball is fun because USA just destroys everyone.

Gratliff

This moment ruined olympic gymnastics for me. I will never be as emotionally invested in a landing as I was in 1996.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ZRYiOa5lM8

WCS

Is anyone actually watching the induction ceremony?

JustStopDude

Flipped over to see Chris Bermann giving a speech…

NOOOOOOOPE! Going back to gymnastics…

Genital Issimo

Thanks for the update – I’ll just stay with volleyball

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I usually do, but not with Farve, I may take a look at the older dudes speeches.

Farve:
http://66.media.tumblr.com/6e0bf837c95bdf34443371296855c24c/tumblr_o30xn38peQ1qg39ewo1_500.gif

JustStopDude

Not sure if anyone has heard this yet but the Bob Costas disease of the Olympics is Herpes Simplex II.

JustStopDude

You know…of course Kevin Durant signs on with Team USA…glory boy always choosing to join the winning team…

Gratliff

115-62. China keeping it close late in the 4th.

Col. Duke LaCross

They’ve got to bring back the 10 point hoop.

blaxabbath

Just got back from the weed doctor. Once again, some dude in scrubs and Adidas sandals found that my pain is chronic.

WHAT A COUNTRY!

Porky Prime

I see what you did there.

blaxabbath

I like the name Porky Prime. From where did it come?

Sill Bimmons

comment image

Unsurprised

SI will never let this asshole die now.
comment image

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Unlike Peter, some people work very hard and in any difficult environment to get the job done.

http://65.media.tumblr.com/cd4a18b0d4266ecb1ca13b1272d4ce99/tumblr_o2lz8iQxBr1uj2a0qo1_1280.jpg

Unsurprised

I’m not a big fan of tattoos already, but why would anyone tattoo their asshole?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Another phrase to avoid when doing a GIS.

JustStopDude

You run out of space?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

“GO PATRIOTS!!”

Horatio Cornblower

It’s a tattoo of a target.

Gratliff

China is somehow in worse shape than I expected at this point in the game.

Unsurprised

Too much MSG

Porky Prime

They’re playing in New York?