[continues to wonder if pouring those female gymnasts into those absurdly tight outfits constitutes some form of child abuse]
Oh hey there! And so it begins-The Circle Of Football Life. The last time we gathered together to comment during a live game was like, 27 months ago (it seems longer than that to me). We were grizzled veterans back then. The hell of an overly drawn-out season had taken its toll-Horatio could barely stuff his Tony Romo sex doll back into his locker during the playoffs. Dok had sunk so low that she was banging something called “Pat From Jersey” on the reg! Yeah Right? He was having take-out buttered toast for the big game. But now we’re all rested up.
Like many of you, I’ve tried hard to work on my commenting game. While the players were attending camp, I was commenting from camp. When they were warming up, I was stretching my analogies. When some rookie was tackling a football dummy, I was tackling Football For Dummies. I’m sure that more than one of my brethren were conjugating their verbs daily or taking their run-on sentences for a jog. Sure it’s hard work-but if you want to be at your best you’ve GOT to study that playbook, er, thesaurus every night.
TO THE GAME!
Packers @ Colts: Bad news for all you Brett Hundley fans out there-he’s got an ankle owie. You know what this means, don’t you? Oh yeah, it’s all kinds of Joe Callahan action-he’s the undrafted Division 3 fella from Wesley Crusher College that’s somewhere in The Delaware. Others to keep an eye out for Packers-wise are draft picks Kenny Clark, Jason Spriggs, Kyler Fackrell, Blake Martinez and Trevor Davis. On the Colts side you may want to ogle T.J. Green, Le’Raven Clark, Hassan Ridgeway and Antonio Morrison.
*a brief note to lurkers out there
If you’ve been wondering when would be a good time to jump into the fray, this is a great spot. We never bite unless expressly asked to do so in no uncertain terms. Personally, as a non-lawyer, I’m begging someone/anyone that has some sort of understanding of ethics to get in here. The user-name “Eddie Lacy’s Cleavage” is there for the taking, by the way.
Andrew Luck has the dorkiest voice I think I’ve ever heard. He’ll have an after football career in cartoon voice overs for sure.
I’ve always thought he sounds like he’s trying to talk with a hockey puck in his mouth.
http://cartoonresearch.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/peter-puck-344.jpg
We have a role…
Jim Irsay is so sweaty!
Scene: the canton stadiums personnel offices, the ground’s crew’s locker room, door flies open
Tony Dungy rushes in, eventually followed by Marvin Harrison, both wearing their gold hall of fame jackets
Marvin: Coach, what are you doing? The game is cancelled, but they still need us on the field for introductions!
Dungy: Just shut up Marvin and guard the God blessed door!
Marvin: Alright
shrugs and pulls back the slide on a 9mm
Dungy: (muttering to himself while digging frantically through duffel bags cursed ne’er-do-wells! this was supposed to be my night! my moment! oh sure Brett Favre is here, but that crowd didn’t come here to see him …A-ha! Hallelujah!
Marvin: What is it coach?
Dungy, while holding up a Star of David necklace and a rainbow striped muscle shirt: Proof Marvin! Proof that this was a sabotage! A conspiracy by them!
Marvin: the Jews and the gays?
Dungy: Yes the Jews and the gays! God’s lost children! Those who have strayed from the path and do not wish to be found! those who can’t stand to see the likes of me on television and talk about the source of my success!
Marvin: they hate you for being a Hall of fame Coach?
Dungy: No, they can’t stand to see a successful christian in america! they can’t stand to see a successful African-American! (albeit a remarkably soft-spoken and an absurdly light-skinned one) I am the antithesis to their lifestyles! I am the one who knocks them out of their delusional fantasies and back into reality! I am the example that superficial NFL fans can get behind!
Marvin: You’re saying the NFL just lost how many thousands of viewers because of a two unrelated minority groups have such a vendetta against you, a personality who is, at best, maybe known by 1 out of 10 people in this country?
Dungy: Precisely!
Marvin: Okay, well, i’m going back to the field, feel free to stay here coach
Marvin leaves:
Dungy fumes for a moments, then races outsides, moments pass:
Trent Green walks in
Trent: Huh, IU is really cutting back on the funding to their football program.
Trent starts undressing:
Irsay is sweating, must be uhhhh the heat huh Jimmy. Hee hee.
AH! TURN YOUR SHIRT DOWN BILLICK!
Cubs won their 69th game today are the first MLB team to do it this season.
…
…
That’s good.
For now…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7xBxZGQ1dJk
We know the heartache is coming. Just a matter of who sticks the knife in.
Oh please, painted on in the afternoon and becoming rock hard by night is just a lazy Tuesday for me!
Wait, let’s just go back to talking about JCVD movies…
If you do a GIS of “gif” this is the first image that comes up:
Concern is mid field? Why don’t they go College Football Overtime rules and start the drives on the OPP 25 with a running clock? Its not like this game matters anyway.
I feel sorry for the undrafted players that need to play to win a job. They had an extra game to get game video of them, and now they are standing around watching paint dry.
RISE FROM YOUR GRAVE
More like wise fwom your gwave amirite?
So if TO gets inducted next year, will no fans clap at the induction?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FkqBJSl8aOg
Can we mourn the loss of Tom Jackson. Stephen A. Smith has a job at ESPN & Tom Jackson doesn’t.
Let’s take bets on how many Commentists are gnawing on their own limbs due to the cancellation of football.
Not this one. If the whole preseason was canceled I wouldn’t care
Its the Saints’ old turf?! Hurricane Katrina strikes again!
http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/now-what.jpg
Was in Thunderpants though
http://i.imgur.com/PKpJnFZ.jpg
Neville Longbottom grew up hotter:
http://hotradiouk.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/05/JK-Rowling-Neville-Longbottom-Attitude.jpg
I remember commenting to someone that she’d become really hot and got a hell of an evil eye for saying it.
Related: I think that girl is pretty hot*.
*Pending confirmation she is the age of majority.
Here she is (allegedly) with Maria Sharapova
http://cdn.pursuitist.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/Maria-Sharapova-meets-Veronica-Belmont.jpg
Old enough to have reviewed the Zune.
http://www.wiredzune.com/wp-content/uploads/2006/12/veronica.JPG
Dr. No is on Encore
http://microscope.webfactional.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/gere-for-now-hwat-2.jpg
So do sit around and talk about our feelings now?
http://s2.quickmeme.com/img/7e/7e221a7e72b9e0159d335696e1ea1a52345bb912f2db025e97f378f7019438a7.jpg
I missed the crew. God bless you all.
http://66.media.tumblr.com/e75cdb2450993fc9cb4301fb2386b087/tumblr_inline_oa6ko5QhGf1r4023o_500.gif
Back to pretending to give a shit about the Olympics. The Mrs. is giving me the evil eye about it
So I go away for a few months and the field gets fucked up. HOW THE FUCK YA DOIN BOYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MOAR LIKE HALL UV LAME AMIRITE?!?!
good one bro.
Up top!
We’re in agreement. If this was Super Bowl LI, the NFL would be making the Packers and Colts play, right?
Back to the Olympics.
Caipirinhas engaged!
http://brazilianexperience.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/caipirinha-cocktail.jpg
Seems like as good a time as ending to see how disappointing the end of the Hunger Games series is.
“We’re going put Aaron Rodgers in a Lie Detector to reveal his true feeling about Brett Favre.”
So we all agree this was a conspiracy by NBC to prevent the ratings for their shitty Poo-lympics coverage to be eclipsed by a meaningless preseason football game, right?
Anyone practice anti-trust??
No way NBC is that competent. I’d put my conspiracy dollars on the nfl doing it on purpose so they are “forced” to refund all the tickets while still paying the costs of the game to reduce their profits for this fiscal year in some kind of tax scheme.
/Not a cpa
//paid my taxes over a year ago
Give them tickets to Super Bowl LI!
Heck of a job, NFL!
Gary Larson should own every penny this dude has ever made.
So I have another week of the taste of the Greatest Bengals Meltdown Ever in my mouth. Well, thank you very much, NFL.
You are literally an hour’s drive away from an NFL stadium. Just drive to Cleveland!
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Let’s not get crazy.
That’s not even an option if the Superb Owl needed an emergency home. The factory would need a complete retooling.
Pao Gasol just got punked harder than any basketball player in Olympic history (Non- Vince Carter division)
Yeah, me too.
I am currently watching Concussion for the first time. Checking in here I just learned of the cancellation of the HOF game. Well, at least I don’t have to deal with the ambivalence i would have faced trying to watch the game after seeing this. As a Steeler fan since 1974, the Mike Webster scenes were particularly hard to watch.
http://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s–B0X4l4va–/c_fit,f_auto,fl_progressive,q_80,w_320/kusczw2f6gqbzahkvfqa.jpg
So it WAS a drill after all?
Motherfucker.
Great job NFL.
Good effort!
Well, I have boxing gloves, a heavy bag in the basement gym, and plenty of irrational hatred and energy to get out because of a million personal reasons and because this liveblog is going to be boring as Hell unless a miracle occurs in the next five minutes. So, I’m out.
PEACE!
Favre’s like “See! I knew I shoulda brought my tractor!”
So … Hardcore porn?
Is that a suggestion or a proposition?
Welp. Overwatch it is.
This is the most bullshitting thing that has ever happened to a bunch of bullshitters since the the death of Sitting Bullshit.
http://67.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m9mqnnPFoJ1qfacmco1_1280.jpg
Welp, I’m watching the Chargers-Ravens replay from 2014 that’s been on my DVR forever. I was promised football, damnit!
http://67.media.tumblr.com/d08b0e34aec2838ddf4e48dbd98d6fde/tumblr_mh403n3OD61rjdfzto1_400.gif
BREAKING NEWS
The decision to cancel the Hall of Fame Game came after coaches of both teams expressed concerns.
“Too much if a risk” said Mike Mccarthy, While Chuck Pagano cited concerns of the long term health effects of the paint used.
http://replygif.net/1580
Bah.
http://replygif.net/i/1580.gif
http://65.media.tumblr.com/1b5e80e6a289f5bddaa7bef2fa9e6342/tumblr_mke00xKZdQ1qzrctvo1_500.png
This is how I imagine the whole paint drying debacle went down with those Ohio groundskeepers:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_bNlNe30bAM
http://66.media.tumblr.com/55de864d2bed56cfee7bfc249cb1ebdd/tumblr_o6mq9aAzpj1u8n0xao2_1280.jpg
Ha. You’re all stuck watching baseball or pre-digested sports tonight.
/is drinking on a rooftop
JUMP! JUMP!
I’m re-watching the entire run of Futurama, actually. It’s not like I have cable to have watched the game.