[continues to wonder if pouring those female gymnasts into those absurdly tight outfits constitutes some form of child abuse]
Oh hey there! And so it begins-The Circle Of Football Life. The last time we gathered together to comment during a live game was like, 27 months ago (it seems longer than that to me). We were grizzled veterans back then. The hell of an overly drawn-out season had taken its toll-Horatio could barely stuff his Tony Romo sex doll back into his locker during the playoffs. Dok had sunk so low that she was banging something called “Pat From Jersey” on the reg! Yeah Right? He was having take-out buttered toast for the big game. But now we’re all rested up.
Like many of you, I’ve tried hard to work on my commenting game. While the players were attending camp, I was commenting from camp. When they were warming up, I was stretching my analogies. When some rookie was tackling a football dummy, I was tackling Football For Dummies. I’m sure that more than one of my brethren were conjugating their verbs daily or taking their run-on sentences for a jog. Sure it’s hard work-but if you want to be at your best you’ve GOT to study that playbook, er, thesaurus every night.
TO THE GAME!
Packers @ Colts: Bad news for all you Brett Hundley fans out there-he’s got an ankle owie. You know what this means, don’t you? Oh yeah, it’s all kinds of Joe Callahan action-he’s the undrafted Division 3 fella from Wesley Crusher College that’s somewhere in The Delaware. Others to keep an eye out for Packers-wise are draft picks Kenny Clark, Jason Spriggs, Kyler Fackrell, Blake Martinez and Trevor Davis. On the Colts side you may want to ogle T.J. Green, Le’Raven Clark, Hassan Ridgeway and Antonio Morrison.
*a brief note to lurkers out there
If you’ve been wondering when would be a good time to jump into the fray, this is a great spot. We never bite unless expressly asked to do so in no uncertain terms. Personally, as a non-lawyer, I’m begging someone/anyone that has some sort of understanding of ethics to get in here. The user-name “Eddie Lacy’s Cleavage” is there for the taking, by the way.
Upped the lime & simple syrup volume and tonight’s caipirinhas are way better.
I drink the shit out of those when I go to Texas de Brazil.
Come to think of it I don’t know why I never thought to make them at home. I make mojitos but never thought to make those instead.
Also, mad credit to whatever site suggested wheels instead of wedges. They say it has something to do with getting more rind when you muddle.
I’m just trying to get in the spirit.
Out of no where; Jennifer.
http://66.media.tumblr.com/8a602660497972038dd490270e76ba38/tumblr_oal88q0zNN1unmtsfo1_1280.jpg
SWOON!!!
Also, SPLOOSH!!
Out of nowhere?????
/goes down into basement
//how’d she pick those cuffs?
Sorry man. She promised me… things.
http://67.media.tumblr.com/2a75c43afda11a3f82620f7a56535601/tumblr_oawjl7n49p1uhyibpo1_540.jpg
Unfortunately, Andrew Jackson’s own big block of cheese wouldn’t be sufficient to clog the prolapsed anus that is Peter King.
http://img.pandawhale.com/78878-breaking-bad-jane-hot-legs-gif-Tdba.gif
http://cdn3.sbnation.com/imported_assets/1150289/ftennis.gif
http://fat.gfycat.com/ShamefulThoroughCattle.gif
Great underwear, but my God that show was unbearable
http://31.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m8khmqJCmU1rou9f5o1_500.gif
http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-7tMztpIfzyg/U_7hZL7CvqI/AAAAAAAAB78/CbAmWM8_aCo/s1600/bouncing-butt-olympic-hottie.gif
Hey…that’s kinda fun to watch.
Best death scene in ever.
http://cdn2.crushable.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/sex-idiot-30-rock.gif
http://66.media.tumblr.com/5131b303aa81845adcfa7e47e7ec9386/tumblr_obax6o6TOa1qcecwvo1_1280.jpg
I would guess he’s only sorry about the second half of that.
Well, at least he’s sorry.
“Canadian man sorry”
Duh.
http://abeautifuladventure.org/wp-content/uploads/2015/10/Image-1-101.png
US Swimming! Wooooo!
http://media.salon.com/2016/06/brock_turner_pool.jpg
http://gif.mocksession.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/FIELD-HOCKEY-PAIN.gif
Wooo!!!! Athletic chicks beating one another with heavy wooden sticks.
Shit doesn’t get better than that…Amirite?
Needs Electricity
I think Scary Terry might be my spirit animal.
http://pa1.narvii.com/6001/48ebf6a6d7f6e9335e697e30519cafad2babe4ad_hq.gif
Chin testicles?
http://placeitonluckydan.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/09/tumblr_lmgba3qo9n1qbpb9e.jpg
I, I…ummm….you, you….ummmm.
/shut up
I can’t wait for the new ones to start up. I hope we get a few more good seasons out of it.
Sure, yeah, sure, that’s the character……
http://i.cdn.turner.com/asfix/repository/8a250ba13f865824013fc9db8b6b0400/rick-and-morty-sneak-speak-raising-gazorpazorp.jpg
I my boobs looked like that Moose, I’d never leave the house.
*If
(fuck you, typing)
I my boobs … a philosophy.
Cool, I always wanted to be a philosopher.
/squeezes own boobs
//disappointed
If your boobs looked that I wouldn’t be leaving your house, either
Go on …
You type worser than I do.
Nonetheless, you have my attention.
That is funny as shit!
I just got an email asking if I had arrived yet in the Houston area…
I love how sales people managed to just hear what they want and ignore everything else.
I am certain I could convince our sales department that our drives turn 4160 VAC into creamy, tasty frogurt and it would be months before they caught on…or until a sales guy tried to lick a live bus bar…
If your sales dept. spends time licking random shit I might be looking for a new job.
Hmmm, not quite sure how to take that.
They always get annoyed when I make them wear the moon suit…
http://ecmweb.com/site-files/ecmweb.com/files/gallery_images/ArcFlashTip5.gif?1413554588
For training purposes…
I then make them watch arc flash explosions for about an hour…
http://i.makeagif.com/media/11-24-2014/RBQ6on.gif
That looks like licking would be discouraged in those scenarios?
This always happens…so I end the video and then ask if there are any questions…
“Yeah…you guys don’t really bother wearing all this gear right?”
“Okay…so Bob indicates we need to watch the explosions again…”
Classic Family Guy (the first 3 seasons) was actually pretty good.
“What did you learn …”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hCPgTZgRQHc
I missed yesterday’s Tom Brokaw story hour, but given the rest of the commentary I’ve heard, I’d be alright with him calling every event.
I kind of lost Tom after I heard one of his ‘American Stories’ (or whatever they call his little segments) where he talked about how people don’t wear watches anymore.
Some people age themselves out of relevancy.
Saw my first political commercial of the year on this last break.
At what point do Mike & Mike start taking guests on the Hillary 2016 Honest Take Hotline?
Another Reason to Hate Mike Pence, He’s a colts fan
#347
http://67.media.tumblr.com/05685f4d981faeaac316731e93fb0233/tumblr_mzwprlBoCR1s2wio8o2_500.gif
Anyone else watching gymnastics?
Been a middling show so far, but the acid trip scene on “Vice Principals” tonight was outgoddamnstanding.
I really need to start watching that I think.
http://66.media.tumblr.com/b81844f13ad1971d2b2fd93d88ae35bf/tumblr_o6zipjpRFT1ummh2co4_1280.gif
http://dangerousminds.net/home/dangerou/dangerousminds.net/html/content/uploads/images/made/chrootcontent/uploads/afiles/cumphotofghfhfgh_thumb_465_358_int.jpg
http://65.media.tumblr.com/97268bd2f43dba95a37669fec4e45bb1/tumblr_o92zpiRoNE1qz6f9yo6_1280.jpg
My God, do I need this
God, we’re such jerks.
http://i1127.photobucket.com/albums/l634/sugarscape/80svillains-1.jpg
Hey, leave JJ Fozz out of this.
I like Jefferson.
Hello? McFly????
I wish they’d make another episode…I miss Biff. Not to mention Biffco.
Captain Freedom was not a villain. Damon Killian should be in that collage instead.
Tong Po!
Evening everyone, last show is done, freedom for two whole weeks. And by that I mean going home and doing that tedious shit instead. What have I missed?
NFL is still trying to kill itself, but no one is listening.
Otherwise….Best episode of Rick and Morty starts in 10 minutes.
(Summer…where are my testicles?)
Its such a magical show. I mean one that comes along that really comes into its own quickly.
It works on so many levels.
Never saw that one
But dachshunds are ratters, so they do have a purpose beyond being annoying lapdogs.
http://66.media.tumblr.com/c9fa6b32b54b98902b6779c675420b54/tumblr_o0z8fj7Opd1rsxqqio1_500.jpg
How many fucking ER clones can the networks come out with?
By this point, I think most of America has witness more “medical” procedures than kids in their third year of residence.
I NEED A CBC AND A CHEM 7!!! STAT!!!111ONE!!
This Fall, Doctor Vanessa Lifebalancer, Esq doesn’t just treat patients, she solved the crimes that put them in her ER. All while balancing life with two daughters and trying to find true love. Tune in on Tuesdays at 8 for…. Doctor Lawyer Lady.
The Sheinhart Wig Company gives you what’s you want in television.
You better copyright that shit, because CBS will steal the fuck out of that idea.
Also
https://youtu.be/Ps9WToZeM2k
I an episode of “Doug” on Nickelodeon making fun of this, had a show called Dr. Cop.
Don’t know if it was a subtle meta joke, but I thought it was hilarious at the time
http://i986.photobucket.com/albums/ae342/dougfunnieiscrazy/The%20Big%20Switch/01_zps657dec9f.jpg
Trending – Terrelle Pryor: Cleveland Browns Receiver Scores 75-Yard Touchdown in Team Scrimmage
Does anyone read these camp headlines and think, like, of course, anyone could score a 75 yard TD against the Browns D, even their offense.
An NFL team boasting about its performance in scrimmage makes as much sense as me boasting my sexual prowess based on my ability to masturbate.
Or your sexual magnetism….
The first training camp pass Dick Bortles threw was a fucking interception.
Dick Doesn’t Deliver During Drills
No NBC, I am not going to follow Michael Phelp’s baby’s instagram.
Wow. Please tell me that’s not a thing.
That baby has the best weed hookup
http://i53.tinypic.com/rw48y1.jpg
So I don’t watch a lot of non-NFL live tv. I’m used to the evil/annoying commercials geared at me during those broadcasts (erection/peeing pills; trucks that will make my dick big; beers that will make women show up to sit on my big dick; FANDUEL) but it seems like only the biggest global asshole outfits have commercials on the Olympics (probably the only ones who can afford it). So far I’ve got:
Exxon’s employees saying their job isn’t only profit
Citi talking bout how they Detroit with a predatory loan after they crashed the global economy
Chevrolet — their commercials are just stupid
I do like Reese’s though. Even though, you know, GMOs!
“erection/peeing pills; trucks that will make my dick big; beers that will make women show up to sit on my big dick; FANDUEL”
/Brett Favre sighs
Am I the only one that gets hard every time I hear John Lee Hooker thanks to all the boner pill commercials?
Exxon’s official accounts are getting dragged hard on social media today. I imagine they wanted it to go better.
Why? Like twitter? Because their commercials are bullshit?
Because they’re posting shit like this:
https://twitter.com/exxonmobil/status/761577588183621632
The responses are basically just hundreds of links to all the awful shit they’ve ever done.
Out-standing.
Huh. Hunger Games finale wasn’t bad. Wish they’d have just compressed part 1 into 45 minutes and tacked the whole thing together. I really hate the bullshit trend of splitting the last book of novel series into 2-3 movies and breaking the last season of major series into 2 seasons. Just finish the fucking thing already.
Hmmm — I never got to the third movie. Frankly, I thought the last book was drawn out — I can’t imagine how they turned that into four hours of film.
Do you like sad Jennifer Lawrence being sad? That’s how they did it. I’m almost willing to forgive the 2 hours of pretext from the first part of the finale for the sewer monster sequence alone, though.
Olympic Hot Teak!
Swimming is just the same thing over and over again. I mean how many different fucking ways do we need to have the 100m swim?
It would be like having a 110m dash, 110m hurdles, 110m dash backwards, 110m hurdles backward, and then just close it up with a 440m race with all four combined.
Water NASCAR?
THEY’RE TRADIN’ PAINT!
Athletic people running backwards is totally something I could get behind.
So to speak.
I’m with you on that one; if you have the same person winning six different events then the events are too similar.
Even though she puts up the lowest scores, I feel like the little white girl on the gymnastics team is the one that the media is going to present as the face of the team.
Of Course! She is the littlest, after all. Its extra cute when the little ones win. Race not an issue at all. Perish the thought!
You know…I never thought I would ever say this as a child of Baltimore, but if the Biscotti demanded a new stadium, I would cheer if the city told him to walk. I think its a combination of the concussions, seeing old heroes committing suicide rather than deal with the crippling physical and mental toll, and the utterly insane amounts of money these bastard billionaires get paid for just being rich and in the right place at the right time…
FUCKING HELL! Its hard to be a fan of this sport. These fuckers can literally get truck loads of cash handed to them from municipalities that can barely pay for basic services. I mean when you really think about it…we cheer for rich bastards getting richer.
I’m getting old and bitter…
Beat ya to it
If it weren’t for being bitter and geriatric, I’d have nothing to prevent the impending suicide.
Don’t take that away from me.
/loads pistol
//expects this comment to go into moderation limbo
SOMEONE BANNER THIS QUOTE!
Nothing is stopping you from printing your own money.
Bitcoin baby! For the win!!!
As soon as I get my MtGox and Bitfinex coins back, I will be rich and own my own team!!!
Just sat down to watch the floor routine. The two best USA girls go and after each one the announcers ask where a point of deductions came from; neither can figure it out.
BECAUSE THE OLYMPICS ARE RIGGED!
NBC = DNC
WAKE UP SHEEPLE
Olympic vote talliers = US Election vote talliers!
/isn’t forced to kill self from watching Colts/Packers
Seems like a win-win…just saying.
On the plus side, Packers/Colts leaves you only an order of fries away from poutine.
Add the Giants to poutine and you get this:
http://cdn.mtlblog.com/uploads/2015/03/oHl7UfX.jpg
Oh. I thought it was just gonna be arrogant poutine that considers itself the center of the earth.
Poutine should:
http://ibackpackcanada.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/quebec-poutine-chez-ashton-3.jpg
Goodell has been through a lot. But this, fucking up the national first nite of football, is probably the thing that will bring him down, as fucked up as that would be. Apparently, he can blacklist a neuroscientist, but he can’t control the grass painters.
Boy, I really appreciated the NFL telling St. Louis to fuck off AGAIN today. I mean, it’s not like we were customers complaining about the product, or stealing, or any other reason for them to treat us this way. No, St. Louis just had our team leave. Los Angelinos, did you put up with this shit when the Rams came here? If so, I apologize.
Between the Rams’ brass shit-talking and this shit with Orlando Pace’s HOF speech, I don’t understand it. And, how exactly does the collection of losers and morons running the Rams get to talk shit? This incompetent collection of mouthbreathing lackwits ran the team into the ground to start with. When you’re demonstrably terrible at your job, you keep your mouth shut about things and keep your head down. Trust me, I’ve been terrible at many, many jobs, from Umpire to Red Lobster waiter to delivery truck driver. I know how to be terrible at something and be quiet.
This is like Colonel Sanders punching my mother in the mouth. I’ll still eat fried chicken, but I’ll be angry every time. While they couldn’t have done anything to get LESS money from me than they were going to get, holy hell guys, you won. You took your product out of my city. Leave us with a little pride.
Its like the NFL just turns a blind eye to injuries inflicted on people involved with the sport…
The NFL makes me feel more actively despised than Deadspin does.
“Now the guy’s got Paulie as a partner. Any problems, he goes to Paulie. Trouble with a bill, he can go to Paulie. Trouble with the cops, deliveries, Tommy, he can call Paulie. But now the guy’s got to come up with Paulie’s money every week. No matter what. Business bad? Fuck you, pay me. Oh, you had a fire? Fuck you, pay me. The place got hit by lightning, huh? Fuck you, pay me. Also, Paulie could do anything. Especially run up bills on the joint’s credit. And why not? Nobody’s gonna pay for it anyway. And as soon as the deliveries are made in the front door, you move the stuff out the back and sell it at a discount. You take a two hundred dollar case of booze and you sell it for a hundred. It doesn’t matter. It’s all profit. And then finally, when there’s nothing left, when you can’t borrow another buck from the bank or buy another case of booze, you bust the joint out. You light a match.”
http://pennsquarepost.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/Goodfellas-19-300×168.jpg
The only NFL-related thing I still own is this site. I will, however, use it to burn down Roger Goodell and his cabal of morons.
Yikes. It seems I missed more today than I realized.
(orioles won though…yay)
::Silently goes to dashboard and removes pending post about how, actually, Goodell isn’t such a bad guy::
I heard about the NFL cutting the part of Pace’s speech out where he mentioned St. Louis and it pissed ME off how they could be so fucking callous to the one market in the Los Angeles derby that actually WANTED to keep its team.
Look what you’ve done NFL, you’ve made me feel sympathy for fucking St. Louis. That’s stunning.
Problems with The Colonel, eh? Maybe these guys can help.
http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_muCOu7I6hXQ/SNPRAri3V_I/AAAAAAAAAK0/h8RMitjVIeA/s400/vercottibros.jpg
http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view5/3555879/knight-with-a-rubber-chicken-o.gif
Look at his ‘ead… it’s like an orange on a toothpick.
No. That’s why they left.
These fluff interviews are soul rending.
http://vignette1.wikia.nocookie.net/simpsons/images/b/ba/ILoveLisa.jpg
/Nostalgically recalls when he had a soul
Anyone else watching tennis? I’m having a hard time keeping track of what’s going on in rio (other than zika, robberies, and fecal matter).
That Catalina Ponor from Romania is one tall drink of all right.
Sooooo?
Who won?
Certainly not the people who paid to go to the Hall of Fame Game
The Bears.
http://www.80s.com/saveferris/images/others/pizzaguy.jpg
Barring a disaster, A-Rod will be left out of the 700 HR Club. Hurray!
That’s good but it still wouldn’t be as contemptible as the other 700 club. There’s not a single ounce of me that will be sad when that motherfucker finally dies.
http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-1gQEMi5XXQo/UsdKTDYthcI/AAAAAAAAQMs/hnmzoaACW9I/s1600/700+club.jpg
http://i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/422/528/cb7.gif
JerBear I could not like this more.
Fuckers like him and Falwell make me want to find religion just so I can take comfort in there being a hell waiting for them.
That’s why I’m religious
Meanwhile Bonds nuked all the records and didn’t give a fudge.
This Swedish woman speaks better English than 75% of the people watching here in MURKA
And those same people think Sweden is a terrible country for letting immigrants in.
All of the Swedes I met in their homeland had excellent, easy-to-understand English and it made me feel self-conscious for being a lovely monoglot.
Er. Lowly monoglot.
I’m not very lovely.
We’re all lovely, including you
Other people can give you that crap, but not Swedes.
When you show up in Spain or France, you should probably at least know how to order dinner.
But there are only 9.5 million Swedes and the only ones who ever leave are hockey players.
That beautiful English they speak is them making a necessary adaptation to their world, and there is no shame in your not having learned Swedish.
Oh, they were great people and never gave me the stinkeye for not knowing any Swedish. I mostly became self-conscious when they started a conversation in Swedish with me, which happened fairly often.
Scandinavians are the nicest people in the world.
My Spanish if fucked up. I can’t wait to get to Spain next year. In high school I had 2 Cubans, a Puerto Rican, and an American as Spanish teachers. In college I had 2 Americans, a Uruguayan, and a Polish chick as professors. I didn’t use it for about 15 years until I became really good friends with an Argentinian and his Dominican wife. All of his friends are Latin but none of them are from the same place. Off the top of my head, there’s a dude from Belize who’s making it up as he goes, an Argentinian, a Peruvian couple, a Costa Rican couple, a Texican, and his wife’s Dominican family. The only time I really use Spanish is when I’m drunk and talking to a bunch of drunk Latinos.
My daughter is in a dual language immersion program, and I busted out the S-pan-yole when I met her first teacher. She was from Spain, and by the look on her face I can only imagine that I sounded like the Spanish equivalent of Georges St. Pierre trying to do an impression of Gucci Mane.
The Hispanics I grew up around were all Mexicans and Americanized Puerto Ricans, so the whole lisping thing threw me off when I moved down here.
I hope this episode is The Night Of Fucking Something Happening Jesus Edwin Christ.
Oh, man, I am full. So far, Portland, Maine has meant a bunch of beer, some dude giving us free tickets to an outdoor concert on the waterfront, some more beer, dinner and cocktails, and walking around. I missed this fake football game but wouldn’t trade it for anything less than a blowjob.
Oh shit, the game got canceled? You know what that means? Rog EARNED his national disgrace tag tonight.
/scotchy has locked his post
//I can’t edit to add the tag
///wants to learn how lock posts
////passes out
Why do these fellas cry when they retire? They walk away with millions. I’d be flipping everyone off, since they can’t ever touch me again. Fuck you, I’m out! That would be my retirement speech.
https://mlkshk-ada.kxcdn.com/r/N5BI
Seriously, when did we elevate motherhood to this holy snowflake bullshit?
You had a kid then got your old job back.
Get over yourself.
The sheer number of mommy blogs is a testament to this. While there are few people whom I believe could offer insight into parenting via unique experiences or just being really insightful people, most just don’t but treat every realization if it’s something so profound no one has discovered it before.
Lady, you squeezed out offspring–big deal. Animals far dumber than us do that successfully.
And to think the NFL used to be trusted to deliver fake events they created hashtag InnocenceLost
“The Karolyi Ranch” sounds like the name of a… Shit. Don’t want to go to jail.
You’re already on a list.
Might as well bring it home.
These guys are apparently gonna try to fill this time slot with bullshit talking. Girls gymnastics here I come!
I feel like Matthew McConaughey in Dazed and Confused watching gymnastics.
Yeah she definitely had some work done
http://img03.deviantart.net/59c0/i/2016/100/4/7/colossal_kaley_cuoco__before_and_after__by_cerebral_probe-d9yffzp.png
http://www.bdcwire.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/01/tumblr_inline_ngn2veq47Z1rh87fl.gif
My moons over my hammy face.
Mmmmmm grand slam!
There is a reason why people watch that dumbass show:
Two, actually…
I don’t know. They seem too fake. Like a A cup going to a D. Cheeply.
I severely doubt you’d split that hair with Occam’s Razor.
Don’t get me wrong, if she offered, I would swallow my pride. I just wonder if she swallows as well.
HIYOOO!
Still – I’ll put it between them
You really can’t tell from that picture.
I just never liked her face. Like a Khloe K. meets Lisa Marie Presley thing going. Does that make me an awful person?
Just kidding, I know it’s everything else.
I think she has a pretty but not that pretty face. She’s by no means an unattractive girl but her level of attractiveness is fairly common.
Travelocity > Priceline
2/10 would not bang
So…are we live blogging gymnastics?
What a shame. Mike McCarthy had prepared the mother of all pregame speeches.