Your “It’s A Dreary Saturday-What Else Are Your Gonna Do?” NFL Football Open Thread

We’ve got a small slate of four games to gorge on today. I’ll just go over some of the draft picks that you may see and take some cheap shots (as always) where available.

 

Seahawks/Chiefs-Seattle’s brain trust must have felt that both lines needed some strengthening so of their 8 picks they spent 5 at those positions. Petey loves his skill guys so the remaining choices were limited to 3 wr’s and an rb. The first rounder, ol Germain Ifedi has been duking it out with various defensive players on an on-going basis. Of course Head Truther Carroll loves his spunk. I’m curious about third rounder C.J. Prosise-he was recruited out of high school as a safety, was converted to wr for his soph and junior years and finished as an rb in his fourth year. That’s a unique Percy Harvin-ish skill set he has there. The Chiefs tripled-down on defensive backs and scattered the rest of their picks. The training camp star has been 5th round wr Tyreek Hill from West Alabama(?). He was drafted for his “world class” speed but lo and behold, it turns out he has hands and can run routes! Failed failure Nick Foles will fail under center for a while. Fail.

Colts/Bills-Indy seems to have done okay in the draft, having picked at least four full/part-time starters in center Ryan Kelly, safety T.J. Green, d-tackle Hassan Ridgeway and guard Joe Haeg. The success of the first two rounds of the Bills draft will manifest itself, uh, next year? Shaq Lawson celebrated his selection by opting to have shoulder surgery while second pick Reggie Ragland tore a ligament running down one of those pesky ball carriers. Let’s all hope that the injury bug that has devastated the Giants for the past three years has moved upstate.

Cowboys/Rams-Dallas qb/Simpsons caricature “Fat Tony” Romo will be watching 4th rounder DAK! Prescott and the undraftable Jameill “The Golden” Showers attempt to pull some talent out of the center’s butt. Keep an eye out for rook rb Darius Jackson who has been setting the Cowboy camp on fire which in a literal sense sounds like a right fine idea to me. Given that he’s got Elliott, McFadden, Dunbar and Morris ahead of him on the depth chart he probably should be slotted into the “preseason wunderkind ends up on practice squad” category. Rico Gathers finished up his basketball career at Baylor and then offered up his 6’8″, 276 lb. frame to NFL scouts. If you are an evaluator of NFL talent and say “I’M CRAZEEEEE!!!” quite a bit, the fact that Rico hadn’t touched a football since eighth grade is not a problem. The Rams draft was almost entirely offensive-qb Goff, te’s Higbee and Hemingway and wr’s Cooper and Thomas were chosen. Looks as thought nascent Triplet Gurley is going to find some other fellas to fill the remaining roles. Case Keenum gets the start but Goff should play into the 3rd quarter. By the by, more than 100k fans are expected to show for this. That’s a lot of disappointed people in one place.

Chargers/Titans-I’m willing to bet that rook rb Derrick Henry will out-score/out-rush DeMarco “Three Teams in Three Years” Murray. Take a peek-a-boo at fifth round wr Tajae Sharpe. The Umass grad led the nation in catches last year and has already grabbed a starting spot over the likes of [looks at Titans roster] hmm… Well, it’s impressive anyway. San Diego has yet to get Joey Bosa to put pen to paper. The third overall pick might improve the Chargers fortunes on the field, I don’t know. He is in good company though-both LT and Marmalard started their careers by holding out.

Now that’s done with…GET IT ON, BANG A GONG, PEOPLE!

 

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jjfozz

THESE RAMS, I CALL THEM HOMELESS PEOPLE IN LOS ANGELES, BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH THEY’RE IN PLAIN SIGHT, NO ONE REALLY SEES THEM

Spur

What a Rams homecoming.

jjfozz

The Little League World Series, Where Tomorrow’s Headcases are being Shaped Today by Rabid Coaches and Demented Parents

Sill Bimmons

Which is worse: LLWS or Spelling Bee?

litre_cola

LLWS, I think the kids get shit from both the coaches and their parents, spelling bee just their parents.

King Hippo

you probably get a little bonus diddling potential in the LLWS crowd

Doktor Zymm

How many games into the season do we see the parody song “Baby got Dak” making the rounds of Facebook?

litre_cola

I can’t believe I have watched this much preseason football.

King Hippo

and you’ll be sad Monday when there isn’t any. AS WILL WE ALL

Spur

And a sliiiiiight drop off between the Dallas 1st and 2nd string OL.

King Hippo

pre-season for BLEERGH too ,, ppl forget that

Spur

Fucking Swain. Get the fuck off the field. You’re making Dak look bad.

Gratliff

These are the derps you are looking for

Spur

Cowboys are allowed to blitz this year?

WCS

The DERP is strong with this one.

King Hippo

Jared Goff. He shitty.

Doktor Zymm

He looked pretty confused about what was happening with the falling down bit.

Covalent Blonde

That looks a lot like the Berkeley games of last year.

Doktor Zymm

THAT WAS THE BEST PRESEASON FOOTBALL EVER

King Hippo

you missed what the Chefs done earlier?

Doktor Zymm

There’s lots of BEST PRESEASON FOOTBALL EVER

...

Welp I’m out of beer unless I break into my stash, which is full of stuff I don’t want to drink right now.

litre_cola

Drink whatever is replaceable.

...

None of it is. 🙁

Doktor Zymm

With his left arm, he was making shadow puppets!

Spur

Goff Time! Let’s see how strong HIS ribs are.

Spur

Jared Goff time?

Covalent Blonde

Ugh. It kills me to not see our local boy in a Niner’s jersey. Dammit, Goff. You fucked Cal in addition.

jjfozz

Lynn Swann, a very popular condom.

Sill Bimmons
Spur

Is ESPN going to Skype in OJ?

jjfozz

Nope, he’s still looking for his wife’s murderer. In prison.

Doktor Zymm

WTF neck tattoo.
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Fronkenshteen

Just Chew It.

Spur

Is his real name really Dak?

herodotus450

I always thought it was short for Dakstromius

jjfozz

Shit. I missed an entire day, just realized it’s Monday night.

Gratliff

Lolz dak, whom I will be referring to as Jedzia from now on. Time for prescottisahomo.com

Spur

Romo loves hamburgers.

Spur

HOT TAKE: Dak already better than Wentz.

...

Especially when it comes to non-broken bones!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Well sure, in this pleasant weather. But when it gets cold and the ground freezes…Wentz will have maybe healed enough to mop up the fourth quarter of a loss.

Sill Bimmons

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Spur

Yee Haw! Dak looks legit with the first unit.

King Hippo

You might say A GODDAMNED STAR!!!

Gratliff

“Why is Quincy Carter playing again?” – Jerry Jones

Doktor Zymm

So many bizarre criminals in my neighborhood. I wonder if there will be riots after Market Days like there were after Pride. I would usually say no, since Market Days is more neighborhoody, but shit is crazy this summer.
http://www.cwbchicago.com/2016/08/52-year-old-man-rearranges-punks-face.html

Covalent Blonde

Was Roger Goodell in a bunker?

...

You just put the thought of Roger Goodell as president in my head and that scares me.

Covalent Blonde

I’m disgusted with which one I would choose for presidential candidacy.

...

I love that it’s been repeatedly said that teams in Los Angeles need to be winners to get support.

One, no shit. People always support winners more than loser.s

Two, you’re basically admitting your fans are of the shitty, fair-weather kind and nowhere near as valuable as ones who actually have a connection with their team.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Those fucking Lakers flags are everywhere when they are good. You know how many of them I saw this winter?

...

Which is funny because if I had to pick L.A.’s team, I’d pick the Lakers.

...

I mean, I’m the fan of a team that fills its home park even when its dogshit. We’re morons, but goddamn it, we still support our team.*

*Let the owners take our money in exchange for jackshit.

Doktor Zymm

How many random ass Cubs shirts are there? Seriously, the number of variations is mind boggling. And people buy tons of em. As long as people are willing to have a closet full of T-shirts containing some obscure Cubs reference that was popular for a season they will never lose money. They will never lose money, and thrift stores will never go out of business.

...

I like the fact we’re slowly creeping into your head driving you toward madness.

Also, I’m seriously considering buying one of these: http://www.barstoolsports.com/chicago/cubs-we-are-good-shirts-now-on-sale/

Doktor Zymm

Nah, it just adds to my impression that Cubs fans are idiots. Also, you should buy that shirt. It’ll either be super-ironic soon, or if you aren’t DOOOOOOMED then you’re one step closer to moving Cubs fandom into the Red Sox spot.

Brocky

ON the subject of stupid t-shirt designs, this monstrosity has been making the rounds on facebook.

Jesus Christ never faced a temptation like I am right now:

comment image?oh=8a4e3abcc58b7e3a531c65fd0fa64faf&oe=585934EA

jjfozz

Another tidbit, I had a sociology prof in college open a class with this statement: “The Brady Bunch was one of the reasons for racial unrest in the 70s.”

And then he defended it with a shit ton of examples, facts, figures, quotes, deductive reasoning.

Fuckin blew my mind.

Brocky

No, no, you got that backwards:

DEACON JONES was one of the reasons for racial unrest in the 70s, and he was ON an episode of The Brady Bunch

http://www.chicagonow.com/lupus-purple-reigns/files/2013/06/tumblr_ljcsofbSbU1qfacmco1_500.jpg

Brocky

For the record, I didn’t mean to hijack your post with inane statements, just popped into my head. if your prof. really did a heck of a job analyzing social cues,

I have no idea why i’m dissing decon like that

Doktor Zymm

I suspect they picked the Cowboys for this game since it’s kind of hard to distinguish the white on blue Cowboy jerseys from the yellow on blue Rams jerseys in the stands. It creates the vague impression that there just MIGHT be some Rams fans in the crowd.

litre_cola

I really do feel that this season will be the best in our Not to be mentioned/DFO existance. If we stick to our game, keep focused, keep or knees high and pads low this season will be ours. Now let’s RAM IT!

jjfozz

Please summer, never leave us
http://i.imgur.com/jf7ZT8t.jpg

Sill Bimmons

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King Hippo

There can be no going back. It has now been RAMMED.

Covalent Blonde

Worse or better than being Zuerleined?

King Hippo

both pretty shameful, to tell ya the truth ,, smh

Sill Bimmons

HOW BOUT THAT COWBOY DEFENSE YEEEEEHAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

...

I’ve come to the realization that even though I turn my nose up at those hard lemonades, I’m absolutely bonkers for this yuzu-flavored Berlinerweisse which pretty much tastes like boozy lemonade.

Also, I’ve accumulated a fairly sizeable amount of barrel-aged beers that I’m going to have to drink at some point, I’ll probably have to recruit volunteers so I don’t die.

jjfozz

[raises hand in Baltimore]

jjfozz

You know, as i watch more brady bunch, it was a very progressive show, since it featured two actor who were gay. I wonder why an orgy never busted out amongst the kids, they weren’t related, so not really a crime.

Doktor Zymm

I think it was also the first show to incorporate divorce into its premise.

jjfozz

Also, Mike and Carol were very randy parents. Although I guess he was hating life kissing a woman. Maybe he closed his eyes and pretended she was Paul Williams.

Covalent Blonde

Did I just hear that Dez Bryant was “nut scratched”?

jjfozz

My kids have discovered Brady Bunch on Hulu. Kill me with a shovel.

Also, in the later seasons, Jan was hotter than Marsha. And she had bigger cans.

Thoughts?

Sill Bimmons

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

ballsofsteelandfury

You are correct.

Sill Bimmons
Gratliff

Goddamn Javelin chick just aced a throw and threw out her elbow at the same time.

Sill Bimmons

Is any of this football on?

Gratliff

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Sill Bimmons

Ha! It’s on ESPN, the one place I didn’t look.

Gratliff

Oh right, the game. Thought you meant the gif. That’s from Grantland, so it works.

King Hippo

It was also the lastest place I looked. Great minds and whatnot.

Brocky

I also find myself thinking… is it too early to invest in a halloween costume

when i have no reasonable expectations of Halloween plans?

...

If it’s not too timely of a costume, I don’t see why not. You can always wear it in future years.

Doktor Zymm

The more play time Whitehead gets, the more I want to make dumb skin care jokes.

Gratliff

Quite the botch. This is how you get a move banned, guys.
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Covalent Blonde

First team to make a play under 10 yards loses.

King Hippo

aka “the team who is starting Case Keenum and not on a dare even”

...

Kase Ceenum.

Doktor Zymm

So how much did they pay all those people to go to a LA Rams preseason game?

King Hippo

Told them an interested agent would be there.