Your “It’s A Dreary Saturday-What Else Are Your Gonna Do?” NFL Football Open Thread

We’ve got a small slate of four games to gorge on today. I’ll just go over some of the draft picks that you may see and take some cheap shots (as always) where available.

 

Seahawks/Chiefs-Seattle’s brain trust must have felt that both lines needed some strengthening so of their 8 picks they spent 5 at those positions. Petey loves his skill guys so the remaining choices were limited to 3 wr’s and an rb. The first rounder, ol Germain Ifedi has been duking it out with various defensive players on an on-going basis. Of course Head Truther Carroll loves his spunk. I’m curious about third rounder C.J. Prosise-he was recruited out of high school as a safety, was converted to wr for his soph and junior years and finished as an rb in his fourth year. That’s a unique Percy Harvin-ish skill set he has there. The Chiefs tripled-down on defensive backs and scattered the rest of their picks. The training camp star has been 5th round wr Tyreek Hill from West Alabama(?). He was drafted for his “world class” speed but lo and behold, it turns out he has hands and can run routes! Failed failure Nick Foles will fail under center for a while. Fail.

Colts/Bills-Indy seems to have done okay in the draft, having picked at least four full/part-time starters in center Ryan Kelly, safety T.J. Green, d-tackle Hassan Ridgeway and guard Joe Haeg. The success of the first two rounds of the Bills draft will manifest itself, uh, next year? Shaq Lawson celebrated his selection by opting to have shoulder surgery while second pick Reggie Ragland tore a ligament running down one of those pesky ball carriers. Let’s all hope that the injury bug that has devastated the Giants for the past three years has moved upstate.

Cowboys/Rams-Dallas qb/Simpsons caricature “Fat Tony” Romo will be watching 4th rounder DAK! Prescott and the undraftable Jameill “The Golden” Showers attempt to pull some talent out of the center’s butt. Keep an eye out for rook rb Darius Jackson who has been setting the Cowboy camp on fire which in a literal sense sounds like a right fine idea to me. Given that he’s got Elliott, McFadden, Dunbar and Morris ahead of him on the depth chart he probably should be slotted into the “preseason wunderkind ends up on practice squad” category. Rico Gathers finished up his basketball career at Baylor and then offered up his 6’8″, 276 lb. frame to NFL scouts. If you are an evaluator of NFL talent and say “I’M CRAZEEEEE!!!” quite a bit, the fact that Rico hadn’t touched a football since eighth grade is not a problem. The Rams draft was almost entirely offensive-qb Goff, te’s Higbee and Hemingway and wr’s Cooper and Thomas were chosen. Looks as thought nascent Triplet Gurley is going to find some other fellas to fill the remaining roles. Case Keenum gets the start but Goff should play into the 3rd quarter. By the by, more than 100k fans are expected to show for this. That’s a lot of disappointed people in one place.

Chargers/Titans-I’m willing to bet that rook rb Derrick Henry will out-score/out-rush DeMarco “Three Teams in Three Years” Murray. Take a peek-a-boo at fifth round wr Tajae Sharpe. The Umass grad led the nation in catches last year and has already grabbed a starting spot over the likes of [looks at Titans roster] hmm… Well, it’s impressive anyway. San Diego has yet to get Joey Bosa to put pen to paper. The third overall pick might improve the Chargers fortunes on the field, I don’t know. He is in good company though-both LT and Marmalard started their careers by holding out.

Now that’s done with…GET IT ON, BANG A GONG, PEOPLE!

 

0 0 votes
Article Rating
Subscribe
Notify of
566 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
...

Drinking when my namesake is mentioned. This is good.

...

Why in the hell did I pick an identity based on some middling journeyman DC anyway?

Covalent Blonde

Because: pretty fucking funny?

...

The fact you appreciate it washes away the shame.

Thank you.

/loves your handle, it’s so punny!

Senor Weaselo

You were watching Deep Space Homer with… this inanimate carbon rod?

Covalent Blonde

Mrs. Gruden only knows disappointment.

Sill Bimmons
Redshirt

My brother just got back from watching office party.

His review: “I don’t know what really to say. I’m going to go take a shower and then have a good cry.”

Redshirt

I meant Sausage Party

Sill Bimmons

comment image

...

I’m quite happy the person running the soundboard is potting up the field noise just high enough so I don’t have to hear THE DOUBLE J fellate Kroenke.

Redshirt

And the officials are in midseason form.

Spur

Chaz Green is having a rought outing.

Doktor Zymm

I need to stop reading the news. On the plus side, if the Bears suck this year, I know where to find lots of infographics about Chicago getting killed out there….
http://heyjackass.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/01/murder_trend-2016.png

Sill Bimmons

It’s genuinely difficult to think of a way to think or act positively in this cultural climate.

Sill Bimmons

Holy FUCKBALLS that sentence is awful.

Doktor Zymm

At least as far as Chicago goes, it could be worse. Headed in the wrong direction though, and likely to keep going that way. The politics in this city would make Boss Tweed blush.
http://heyjackass.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/yearly_homicide_trend.png

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Chicago is ELITE compared to the national average! YEAAAAAAAAaaa….aaa…a

http://www.cdc.gov/mmwr/preview/mmwrhtml/figures/m6227a1f3.gif

Covalent Blonde

Yikes… Showers looked really good?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Anyone who smells like you probably needs one.
Oh wait, never mind. I thought you were talking about something else.

Spur

What just happened?!

Redshirt

Illegal Formation and Offsides on the same play. That play started at peak derp.

Sill Bimmons

I see the Cowboys’ OL penalty assessment is in midseason form.

jjfozz

Oh, you have a selfie stick? Oh, now it’s lodged in your duodenum. Good day, sir!

Sill Bimmons
Redshirt

What an asshole!

Sill Bimmons

That’s an upper GI scope.

That’s the pyloric sphincter.

Redshirt

I stand corrected.

Sill Bimmons

That’s not what I meant.

I like to try to teach you all medicine and stuff because I used to teach it and I really miss it.

Once I get my company into the black I’m going back to teaching part time at least.

Redshirt

That’s a good profession. Good luck. The world needs more teachers who care.

Sill Bimmons

Thanks, and I do.

I just couldn’t keep up with the publishing demands.

This time I’m only teaching college kids and fuck research.

My sister is the real hero among so many other heroes.

7th and 8th grade Remedial Reading.

I wouldn’t last a day.

...

Medicine is one of those fields where people seem to scoff at actual experts in favor of whichever asshole is able to pitch the best feel-good story.

Sill Bimmons

/sobs quietly
//sobs loudly
///sobs in anguish
////sobs in despair
/////sobs in resignation
//////sobs in extinction

...

Don’t worry, I appreciate the word of experts because I understand the limits to my knowledge and don’t let FEELZ override most of my decisions.

That being said, I did drop a dentist after he gave me the creeps. Then I saw he reported a bad review on Google because it was written by a teenager and that violates Google’s TOS. Yeah, nothing fucking bizarre about that.

Sill Bimmons

I don’t encourage second opinions when it comes to surgery.

I encourage sixth opinions.

In fact, I encourage seventh opinions.

Basically as many opinions as you can get.

Enough eyes on the problem will get it solved properly.

Insurance/Medicare will pay for as many opinions as you want when it comes to surgery.

They’d much rather foot the multiple consultation fees than the consequences of an unnecessary surgery.

Doktor Zymm

Isn’t that all scientific fields?

Sill Bimmons

/sobs quietly
//sobs loudly
///sobs in anguish
////sobs in despair
/////sobs in resignation
//////sobs in extinction

theeWeeBabySeamus

Said differently…
Ignore this bimbo.
Vaccinate your kids, people.

Redshirt

Los Angeles and St. Louis regarding the Rams in about two months:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F_ag1igqEHc&t=1m13s

theeWeeBabySeamus

scotchy, I asked you nicely to stop looking at that photo of me I sent you. We broke up weeks ago. You know I can’t get back into Canadia after that business about….well nevermind.
But that photo was supposed to be just between us.
But now you photoshop a Romohead (lol…Romohead) onto it for shits and giggles?
And I’d never be caught dead in that piece of shit car, though the proportions are sadly more correct than I’d care to admit.

Don’t make me publish the dickpics you’ve sent me. This is your last warning.

/drops mic
//peace out

😉

Covalent Blonde

I read that as “Candidiasis” Now that I am not trying to sort out your C. albicans I have lost interest in your torrid sexual affair without fungal sharing, sirs !

theeWeeBabySeamus

Don’t blame me because you can’t read.

theeWeeBabySeamus

And good luck with your…well, I’ll just leave this here.
http://yeastinfectionnomoreexposed.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/03/imgad-yeast.gif

Covalent Blonde

Unless that is a link to asking one’s GP for a fluconazole Rxn, I am a little distrustful of that snake oil peddling.

theeWeeBabySeamus

You might also want to consider shaving, based upon the above representation.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Nice teeth.
All the better to BITE ME with.
Bite me, being the key phrase.

Covalent Blonde

Tisk, tisk. Such a tease!

theeWeeBabySeamus

Only when permitted.
Sadly, that rarely happens these day.

Sill Bimmons
jjfozz

TV Exec: “Mike, you can go to Rio, risk getting kidnapped, maybe have poop in your drinking water, or stick with Gruden on MNF -”

Mike: “I’ll take the poopy water and crazed kidnappers, couldn’t be much worse.”

Doktor Zymm

Should I know why those people are wearing watermelons on their heads?

Redshirt

After reviewing the play, tuck rule.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGG!

http://66.media.tumblr.com/21c8a72a2e59ddb13a747bc55f91e7a6/tumblr_n2yuwsYgro1toamj8o1_400.gif

Brocky

Holy fuck

Spur

Make that, Scattered Showers

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Golden!

Redshirt

Why?!

Redshirt

Wrong comment.

Redshirt

We’ve secretly replaced the football with a greased pig. Let’s see if anyone notices.

Spur

Y’all ready for some Golden Showers?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Horatio Cornblower

So many memories…

Doktor Zymm

How much did they pay a marketing team to come up with “Wings. Beer. Sports.”
???

Redshirt

The Internet:

Gambling. Porn. Sports.

Sill Bimmons

Toyota spent $200 million, including sending the entire design and engineering teams to the Côte d’Azur, to come up with this:

http://www.cvluxurycars.com/images/DSC_0941_002.jpg

Reverse the colors and you can easily visualize what that did to Toyota’s shiny clean ledgers.

Sill Bimmons

A MOVIE WHERE NOBODY DIES AND WE ALL KNOW EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED

comment image

Redshirt

Is Goff hurt?

Spur

Cowboy Defense is in midseason form.

King Hippo

Not Jared Goff seems at least LESS shitty!

Covalent Blonde

“Coming to your town…”

Redshirt

Dear Los Angeles,

On second thought, you can have the Rams.

Love,
St. Louis

Spur

Mannion rocking a pretty sweet farmer’s tan

Covalent Blonde

Welp, this whole nightmarescape of a cinematic tropes will haunt me forever.

Redshirt

I felt the same way after I saw Blues Brothers 2000.

Spur

The LA Coliseum is dope.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Sill Bimmons

This is what you paid for, LA.

comment image

Sill Bimmons

All that money and the guy still can’t be bothered to get his sunglasses fitted properly.

Doktor Zymm

Or get someone to tie his cravat correctly.

Sill Bimmons

I keep getting your Edit button for some reason.

Your secret’s safe with me, Trev.

...

The only time I’ve seen an edit button is on somebody else’s post and it never stays after I reload the page.

I’ve never seen an edit option on any of my posts, though.

Sill Bimmons

Me neither.

...

I treat it as a suggestion to tell someone that they’re wrong and try to edit their post anyway.

...

I can’t recall where I read it, but I said Silent Stan was pondering involvement in a St. Louis MLS team.

Buddy, you’re lucky they don’t hang you from the Arch. No one will support that team knowing you’re involved with it.

Sill Bimmons

That narwhal beard scarf he’s wearing would make an excellent noose.

Sill Bimmons

Really?

The narwhal beard joke didn’t land with anyone?

Because narwhals don’t really have beards so having a scarf made entirely of narwhal beard must cost like a bazillion dollars and only a colossal billionaire fuckweasel like Stan Kroenke would even know such a thing existed?

Nobody?

comment image

Spur

Murray with a longer run in the preseason than his entire stint with the Eagles

Spur

Fucking Hasselbeck trying to rain on the Dak parade. Fuck off

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
herodotus450

Brett Hull approves

laserguru

I’ve signed myself up for ultimate masochism with tomorrow’s dinner.
Two hours of prep already followed by 4-5 hours slow cooking and this is only for a COMPONENT of the meal.

I may regret this decision but I can see no way that this will fail.

Good thing Eldest Right and the two oldest grandRights are coming by tomorrow to help.

I’m gonna fucking need it.

Howdy folks!

Let’s drink things!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mPpGp_J3z2A

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

My reaction was similar, of course my “achievement” is to open my first beer. Yeah!

http://www.pbh2.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/best-olympic-gifs-synchronized-swimming.gif

King Hippo

Which one of you Angelinos is killin’ Berman?

laserguru

I’m your Huckleberry.

...

I just discovered an entire bag of apples I didn’t realize I had. Yum.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
jjfozz

Oh great, fantasy football is coming to suck all the fun out of football.

Sill Bimmons

Not the insanity league(s)!

You can’t get mad at something you don’t understand!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
jjfozz

If Higby gets hurt will the headline read: “Higby Goes Down”?

Spur

Cut Wilcox, give Frazier his job

herodotus450

Do you think Frazier is, down, with that?

Covalent Blonde

Music-less cheerleaders has a tragic air to it, doesn’t it?

Doktor Zymm

Just wait till the sad clowns during half time.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Did they all lose their playlists?

Sill Bimmons

Mimes everywhere scream” WHY NOT US?!”

jjfozz

Now that the Rams are in LA, what’s the fan stabbing pecking order?

litre_cola

Any Rams rivalry teams only get a paddlin. Maybe the Niners because they want to stab Nortenos, but that has got to be it.

Covalent Blonde

Boo, Sureños!

Sill Bimmons

1. SF Giants
2. SF Giants
3. SF Giants
4. SF Giants
.
.
.
299. SF Giants
300. Boston Celtics

...

Cardinals fans think they have a rivalry with the Cubs, but they’re full of shit. We haven’t started stabbing each other yet.

Dodgers-Giants is baseball’s biggest rivalry.

Sill Bimmons

1 — 0

comment image

Doktor Zymm

I think I’ve been to that restaurant. They have mead too!

Sill Bimmons

Picanha and mead…

comment image

...

It appears I’ll have to go outside where people are to get more beer.

Ick. I don’t want to do that.

Doktor Zymm

Why do you buy beer that you don’t drink? I get not drinking your good beer when you’re too drunk to enjoy it, but are you really at that point?

Doktor Zymm

Or you could just order beer….