VontazeMeBro’s 2016 Cincinnati Bengals Preview

Old School Zero

Old School Zero

Ex-Chargers fan in Portland. Sorry about your carpet.
Old School Zero

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Some of you may have become fathers in the last couple of years, but there’s still only one of us that came back from the legendary Super Bowl orgy as a mom: the fantastic VontazeMeBro, now the proud mommy of a Bengals baby. I reached out to her for her take on the previous and the upcoming Bengals seasons. I said she could keep it brief, as I know kids and work and family do take up a lot of time, and here’s what I received:

 

?????????????”

 

At first I couldn’t tell if that was the preview for the next season or the recap of their disastrous playoff loss to Joey Porter’s mouth and their own perfectly timed implosion, but it seemed to work either way ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.

 

However, for those non-fluent in emoji, here’s her full thoughts on next season:

 

“This season is going to be like your sophomore year in high school when you were caught dry humping your girlfriend right at climax: messy, embarrassing, still mildly satisfying, and you’ll keep coming back for more to see if the Red Rocket’s gonna penetrate. ?”

 

Awwww... Dalton, Da-al-ton. Six foot something, throws an interception. He's coming. He's coming. He's coming.
Awwww… Dalton, Da-al-ton. Six foot something, throws an interception. He’s coming. He’s coming. He’s coming.

 

Prediction: Oh, come on, does it really matter if we put numbers to it? You know how this goes. You’ve seen it before. You’re going to see it again. Just sit back, get drunk, body paint yourself up some tiger stripes, and enjoy the ride.

 

Old School Zero
Old School Zero
Ex-Chargers fan in Portland. Sorry about your carpet.
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RedshirtMoose -The End Is Well NighballsofsteelandfuryThe Right Reverend Electric MayhemKing Hippo Recent comment authors
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ballsofsteelandfury

This was so awesome! I hope the little one is doing well, VMB!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Redshirt

Being a Cincinnati Bengals fan is like being in an abusive relationship. She’ll hit you. Or lie to you. Or cheat on you. With you mother. And grandmother. Concurrently. You’ll break it off and tell her to go to hell. Swear you will never take them back. Your friends will support you. Say she were shit and you’re better off.

Then you’ll see her in the Spring. You won’t be as mad as you were. You’ll say hi, but not feel anything. You’re friends will warn you not to get together, but you’ll say its not gonna happen.

You’ll see other people. That friendly redhead girl down the street. Maybe that hot new chick that just moved into the local university. And you’ll live your life…

Then you see her the Summer. On a hot day, sweat glistening down her body. Your friends will freak out. Your father will tell you she’ll ruin your life. But she’s already back in your mind.

You’ll start talking in August, just innocent talking, nothing real. Just old friends meeting for old time’s sake. But then the first or second week of September, you’ll look into her eyes, and then you’ll back in her web.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Strumming my pain with his fingers/singing my life with his words…

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It looks like this Bengal is attempting to surrender peacefully to the cops.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

/gets shot

Redshirt

“That innocent tiger was going to give the cop a lick on the face. Honest!”

– Tiger Lives Matter advocate on MSNBC

Sorry. I had to do it.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

“All lives matter! That tiger had a record. The policeman didn’t know he was unarmed and was being cautious by shooting him five times in the back. I could have been worse; he discharged fourteen shots; just think if they would have all hit him. Don’t forget the tiger had a record for shoplifting.”

-Commentary on your Fauxnews.

Doesn’t mention that tigers are 27 times more likely to be shot by animal police than other animals. Completely misses boat that it means all tiger lives matter TOO.

Sorry. Had to do it.

Redshirt

Nice, Moose. Nowadays, when you make a quasi-joke on the internet, people overreact. I half expected to be doxed and to have people with torches and pitchforks in my front yard overturning my car.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

You don’t like my joke? Oh well.

Redshirt

No, I liked it. Literally.

Don T

But those stripes make him looked armed and dangerous!
-Police Union President

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!

I’m also curious how she got the smiling emoji of Cincinnati chili.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Cuntler

For those that read KSK a long time ago, I noticed this fucking guy is still around. Still the worst, after all of these years. I think I’ll go talk shit about the Colts. Join me, won’t you?

https://kinja.com/monkeybusinessiu/discussions

...

I’ll just observe as I don’t have a Kinja account and I need to start nuking my commenting accounts rather than creating new ones.

But yes, I do recall him and remember him being a genuinely humorless cunt about the Colts.

nomonkeyfun

Hey,

That insufferable twat was the inspiration for my name.

…Carry on then.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Huh, I figured the diabeetus would’ve finished the job by now…

...

Was he one of those people who got super angry if you shit on Indy even though it’s a shitty city?

blaxabbath

Thanks for the press but I’d like to know why I can’t get my Kinja account over to WP? The world needs to hear about….OFFERED HAWKS TICKETS FOR FREE!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Somebody who had the same effect as a troll, but with absolutely no self-awareness.

http://www.teamjimmyjoe.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/Worst-Tattoos-Turd.jpg

King Hippo

Somehow…these two simple texts are pure Bungles genius.

/we miss our 4th girl-type Glorious Commentist Party member

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Dok, CB, VMB. Who’s the fourth?

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

I assume Thursday Sky Goddess is a lady-type person. Maybe I’m being too heteronormative

King Hippo

Also, if TSG is indeed a lady (has that been confirmed or denied??) that would make FIVE! Bechtel test, my pale hairy ass!!!

King Hippo

You forgot about PIE, our Glorious Humps fan WITH a sense of humour? She a lady-type, just apparently TOO GOOD FOAR US this summer ,, smgdh.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!

Wait, women write here? Oh my God, I feel like a suffragette in chaps!

SonOfSpam

Fluff-a-gent?

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!

Oh, wham bam, thank you Spam!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Unsurprised
Unsurprised

This is beautiful.

SonOfSpam

Not my kid. I only finished on the Pete Rose statue in the front yard.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Congrats to VontazeMeBro on creating something with better body control and cognitive function than Vontaze Burfict!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Dalton has always reminded me of a ginger Satanic cult member. Heck, might even be true I guess.

We’re under a week now before I have to post my Panthers’ preview. Some of you need to outright tank it between now and then so I don’t look so bad at the final whistle.

Fronkenshteen

I always thought he looked like the state trooper on the sticker at the gas pump warning you against leaving without paying.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!

Ah, if there’s a state trooper at a gas pump in NJ, it’s because Buddy thought the gas chamber was Helen Mirren after a long night!

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

You can get to rip on Cam Newton for going All Lives Matter.

blaxabbath

FAH REELS? DAHKIE CAN NAWT EVEN DAHKIE RIGHT! #DARHKIES

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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