WHOOOO!!! How you doin’ out there folks? I’m doing mighty fine because my Jagsters are going all the way this year! They’ve been lying low in the bushes, carefully stalking their prey and they are about to pounce. All you fans of lesser teams are having yourself a good giggle right now I imagine but let me ‘splain myself. It took a while to get here, the pieces of the puzzle assembled themselves in their own sweet time…

The Owner: This fellow goes by the name of Shahid Khan, the 75th richest dude in these great American States. Yeah, while you were lying on your couch this past weekend his mustache was pulling in more dough than you made all last year. And that’s just one body part! How did he do it? Rubber Baby Buggy Bumpers, that’s how. Seriously, he cornered the market on bumpers. He’s one smart guy.

The General Manager: I have to admit, this fella looks like a 22 year old history teacher (not that there’s anything wrong with that) on his first day. But don’t let that ‘deer in the headlights’ look fool you, Smilin’ Dave Caldwell will take you for a ride, empty your pockets and dump you on the edge of town as soon as look at you. This kid’s brains have brains. This past draft he knows he needs some D and he doesn’t fool around, grabbing six, count ’em SIX! defenders. BOOM! Jalen Ramsey, top-rated corner is on the team. He didn’t fall for that pre-draft ‘Myles Jack has a wonky knee-stay away from him’ bull-business. Hell, he was probably the guy that started it. BAM! Now he’s got a starting linebacker for the next ten years at a second round discount price. Walmart just called to say they’re jealous. You’re a sly one, Dave.

The Players: The BB Gun (that’s Blake Bortles to the uninitiated) the local boy from Central Florida was Liam Neesoned two years ago and bounced back nicely last year. Though he still bears the scars of having been thrown to the wolves he more than tripled his td throws and improved his QB rating to 88.2. If I were to ask you, ‘who holds the Miami Hurricanes single season season receiving record?’ you’d no doubt snort, ‘Micheal Irvin, of course!’. Well, prepare to be wrong/surprised-it’s Allen Hurns. Yeah, you read that right muchacho. Hurns got hisself knocked silly in week 12 but still ended up with 10 tds and he’s only the second best wr on the team after Allen Robinson. With helping hands like these it’s no wonder BB Gun experienced a wild upswing. Rb-wise, Chris Ivory was brought in to show youngster TJ Yeldon how to score touchdowns. As a duo they’ll most likely go by some harsh weather-inspired moniker because sports writers have weak imaginations. On the other side of the ball the ever-dependable middle linebacker Paul Posluszny will call the defense signals. He’s got a neck that’s bigger than the hopes and dreams you have for your kids. Opposing rb’s have for the last decade cowered in fear when The Poz Dispenser comes near. He delivers tasty tackles and juicy justice every time he hits the field.

Outlook: Before I get into my prediction for this year I’d like to talk about the positives of being a Jags fan because every once in a while my Gator/Hurricane/Seminole-luving buddies will ask me, “Hey Buttercup, why you likin’ them so much?” Well let me say this about that. If I feel like going to a game at the last minute I can always get tickets. And sometimes I feel like sitting in the upper bowl, sometimes at the 50 yard line and other times in the end zone seats. Doesn’t matter, I can always sit where I want. Do you hate lineups? Me too. Whether I’m getting a beer or a taco or taking a leak it’s always a no-fuss situation. Can’t beat that, my brothers! Now, to the predictions. My Jagsters have relatively few problems on the O side of the ball aside from the line but that’s manageable. Bortles and Co. can and will put points on the board and they just loaded up on D. (Remember, 3rd overall 2015 pick Dante Fowler is back on the field) Sure, this is a young team but they do look very good. They’ve got the 10th-easiest schedule and they will take some teams by surprise. I SAY 10-6! I’M OUT! [tosses visor into the air, walks away]