An Open Letter to New DFO Visitors

Open letters are all the rage these days. There’s even the open letter to open letters. Someday soon I’ll write an open letter to Apple about my iPhone autocorrecting kegger to legged or letter. Here at [DFO], we’ve noticed a slight uptick in traffic lately and expect (read: hope) that more folks will join as football season begins in earnest. Accordingly, we want to take a moment to welcome the new, the confused, the lurking to [DOOR FLIES OPEN].

Dear New [DFO] Visitor:

Hi! Welcome to [Door Flies Open] or DFO or [DFO] or whatever you want to call us. Thanks for stopping by. Maybe you found [DFO] through Ape’s Twitter, or KSK’s Wikipedia entry, or a team preview that found its way to reddit, or maybe from when Drew ripped off DTZM’s Jim Caldwell joke, or a google search for “Roger Goodell is a National Disgrace.” Perhaps it was a late night search for Milana Vayntrub. No matter how you got here, we’re glad you found us. Please, feel free to stay a while. Read through the team previews we’ve been rolling out. Don’t worry about the welcome mat, those stains are, um, normal.

As you may have heard, this little website started when a certain online group that shall not be named brutally murdered our beloved KSK. A small core of dick-joking-loving football fans started a new virtual home to continue the tradition of sharing jokes, football insight, support, mockery, and more with one another. That, in simple terms, is what we have here at [DFO].

In the morning, there may be football analysis from Hippo or social commentary or a visit from an old friend or perhaps an early morning adventure. In the evenings, there’s an open thread. No need for a topic, just check in to have some banter while you drink, er, I mean watch preseason football or Jeopardy! or BattleBots or :shudder: baseball. There will be gifs and personal venting and support for those with times good and tough or in major need of a sandwich. In between, there are beer reviews and music and cooking and Australian rules football and for a while there was even random violence and underwear.

If you’re wondering about the random block quote at the top of the page, that’s our little way of spotlighting a particular funny comment from a, well some here like to be called commentists while others prefer DFOer and still others are in too much bourble to bother with much beyond unintelligible yelling. But the point is, say something hilarious in the comments and you may see your name up there on the banner!

On the side is a little scrolly thing that we [read: Balls] update when there’s news or funniness or it’s been too long since we last updated it. Just one of many user friendly interfaces [DFO] aims to bring to the dick joke public

And yes, there are live blogs. If there’s an NFL game on the tee-vee, there will be DFOers following along here with their insights and gifs and Pac-Man video games. And we want you to join in. The more the merrier. Yeah, sometimes we may be a little weird, and the collection of native Cicerones, music experts, prescription narcotics enthusiasts, and others can seem intimidating at first. But I promise, they’re fun!  And mostly gentle. Our internet dad, DTZM, built this site so that those who bonded at the other one would have a place to come.  The collection of football loving miscreants came in droves and something unusual happened: they made this site their own. Not just recycling KSK jokes and commenting on how much Roger Goodell sucks. Yes, that happens here, too, but there is original new shit that is different and fun and meaningful and filled with love. This is a new home for people who like football and dick jokes and a little weirdness. In it, some of us have found a creative outlet in addition to a place to talk football or supportive imaginary Internet friends when we need to vent. You’re welcome to join us. So again, stay awhile and tell your friends. And you should create a little avatar and username and join the fun.

After all, fuck the Olive Garden. Around here, we really are family.

Love,

BFC*

P.S. If you’re having issues loading comments, it’s probably Seamus’s fault.

P.P.S. Remember, we like dick jokes, not being dicks. So be funny, play nice, and share as much or as little as you’d like

*Note:  Not an original DFOer and unqualified to welcome you in any way.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

BrettFavresColonoscopy

BFC is a Chicago native transplanted to our nation’s capital and transplanted again to the mountain West. He enjoys football, whisky, and the oxford comma.
BrettFavresColonoscopy
BrettFavresColonoscopy
BrettFavresColonoscopy
BFC is a Chicago native transplanted to our nation's capital and transplanted again to the mountain West. He enjoys football, whisky, and the oxford comma.
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Drunk GazelleBrettFavresColonoscopySonOfSpamDoktor ZymmBuddy Cole's Halftime Show Recent comment authors
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Drunk Gazelle
Drunk Gazelle

Long time listener, First time caller. Your open letter has inspired me to impart some wisdom regarding the potency of homophones:

Tailgating this past weekend, I heard my name and swiftly pivoted on my left foot. While rotating in a counter-clockwise fashion, my right knee made a solid connection with my friend’s ass cheek. Me, being a naturally apologetic, turned to said friend and said, “Hey sorry bud, I knee’d you in the ass…WAIT! THAT DIDN’T COME OUT RIGHT! SHIT! THAT EITHER!”

tl;dr: homophones are dangerous.
/dick joke

Doktor Zymm

Richard the third walks into a bar. He said ‘ouch!’

/dick joke?

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!

Despite what you may have been told, I will only fellate you if 10 or more think your comment is great.

SonOfSpam can verify as to my abilities.

SonOfSpam

Post-beej sandwich was not pastrami; otherwise, top notch.

His Right Honorable Lord Lordship the Lordly

P.P.P.S.

Do not forget to pay your monthly dues of $10.

http://golf.clickon.co/wp-content/uploads/2016/03/giphy-3.gif

nomonkeyfun

The newbies are getting a discount?

scotchnaut

“If You Have A Love/Hate Relationship with NFL Football, You’ll Love This Site.”

theeWeeBabySeamus

“….and still others are in too much bourble to bother with much beyond unintelligible yelling.”

Thank you for not naming me specifically. Classy move. 😉

theeWeeBabySeamus

P.S. If you’re having issues loading comments, it’s probably Seamus’s fault.

Well shit, that’s what I get for not reading fully before calling you classy. I should have known better.

blaxabbath

You call this open? You should talk to my ex wife about how she viewed our marriage without telling me!

jjfozz

Oh, hi new visitor, come on in!

Yeah, sit down there next to the bourbon, beer, and peanuts.

Okay, no I’m fine standing here.

Relax. Look, a booby gif!

Yup, now do me a favor, tell me if this rag smells like chloroform. . .

Old School Zero

Also, for those of you claiming to be fans of the “Houston Texans”, we’re on to you. We know there is no such thing as a NFL team with that name.

Sharkbait
Sharkbait

Let the initiation ritual begin

comment image

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

NUMBER ONE: The next ritual is called “the unblinking eye”.

JIM CALDWELL: So what do I win if I set a new record?

ArmedandHammered
ArmedandHammered

Thank you Sir! May I have another!

Brocky

*ppps* While the wearing of pants is optional, it is not only strongly discouraged, its scientifically proven to to be disadvantageous.

*pppps* Don’t try to troll us. Most of us have at least one of three things, if not all :

a) We have little to no self-worth
b) The theoretical depths of our depravity have yet to be rationally quantified
c) We have *way too much* time on our hands

*ppppps* if you’re out of ideas, just say “dick joke”. it’ll get likes without fail

Senor Weaselo

I think you forgot “/dick joke” at the end of that list.

/dick joke