Your Early Afternoon Slate Of NFL Games Open Thread

You read that? You can’t talk about anything but football. Football, football, football. I kid of course-open up about anything you like. Just be aware that you may get drowned out by a DEZDOWN! or a HAIL BLEERG! or a FLACCOCEPTION! You spin the wheel, you take yer chances…TO THE GAMES!

Cincy/Pit-Oof! Qb Dalton was sacked 7 times last week. I expect that the Steelers D will increase that total. Lb Shazier left with a knee injury last week and his status was up in the air earlier in the week but he’ll play today. The Bengals gave up 5.3 yds per carry to Forte and Powell last week and now face 143 yard-earner Williams. My prediction?…Pain, uh, I mean Rain-a 50% chance.

Tenn/Det-Qb Stafford is sporting a ridiculous 79.5% completion rate. Yes, it is fun to cherry-pick stats after the first week of play. The Titans weren’t able to get any pressure on Shaun Hill last week so I expect The Chunky Monkey will have himself another fine game. Go get ’em, Marvin Jones! Rook wr Sharpe is looking like the real thing in Mariota’s eyes. He had 7 catches on 11 targets, both of which led the team. If the Lions get up early on the Titans as I expect they will, the latter’s plans to ground and pound with Murray and Henry will be shelved once again.

Bal/Cle-Next up on the Browns QB Carousel is old, dependable Josh McCown. As a starter over the last 19 games he’s 2-17. His opposite number, mayo-based life form Flacco is 13-2 vs. the Browns. He threw vanilla-ish stats of 22/33-258-1 against the wall in a yawn-inducing 13-7 win over the Bills last week. Look for wr Wallace to test the back end of a leaky Browns secondary early. One guy that is happy about the dreadful McCown news is te Barnidge-he had two drops last week and did little else. Last year he was able to spread his wings stats-wise as Josh’s security blanket. Look for more of the same starting this week.

Dal/Wash-Both squads lost last week so of course there was tons of hand-wringing among the faithful this week. No one wants to go down 0-2 in a division that could be won by an assemblage of national Punt, Pass and Kick winners. Wr Dez had but one catch on five targets last week. Renowned world-beater Beasley had a mere 12 targets in the same game. DAK! will take what the D gives him at this point in his development but The Beezer is not going to win you games. Oh looky over here-Dez tends to play the right side of the field which is where a certain cb by the name of Norman plays. Interesting! Look for rb Elliot to bust out this game given the run-stopping issues that the Redacteds had last week against the Steelers.

Saints/Giants-The Giants reformulated d-line and secondary should reduce the chances of there being a repeat of the 52-49 OT score-ganza that occurred last year. Brees is still Brees of course but this one is being played outside in less than agreeable conditions. New York’s less than whelming lb group is vulnerable to the te but Fleener was near-invisible last week. The Saints D didn’t get a single TO or sack last week. That’s amazing. You know what’s depressing? This already below average unit just lost starting cb Breaux to a broken leg. I expect Brees’ arm to kneel-down in protest of the harsh working conditions it is being subjected to any week now.

SF/Car-The Niners have a win and Carolina doesn’t? Has the world gone topsy-loopy? San Fran stunned the Rams last week by putting up 28 points and shutting them out. This week they are 13.5 point ‘dogs to the Panthers. I’m willing to bet that after one game they’re not that good nor are they that bad. Kelly’s heroes will catch up to the spread in garbage time.

Mia/NE-The Pats begin their annual humbling of  AFC East teams by hosting the Fins. As far as I know at this point Gronk may or may not play. It doesn’t matter. Qb Jimmy G (I don’t know how to spell Garibaldi. See?) will three step drop his way to adequate stats feeding the likes of Amendola, Edelman and Hogan. When the Miami D begins back-pedalling New England will treat them to a pounding by a Blount-force object. Easy peasy.

KC/Hou-Qb Smith threw for 363 yards last week. As you may have guessed, about 40% of those yards went to rb’s Ware and West. That’s the Alex Smith we all know, love and expect. Ware leads the team in rushing and receiving and is doing pretty much exactly what Jamaal Charles will next week when he returns. If you’re an rb that can catch the ball in an Andy Reid offence, you will pile up the numbers. That’s just the way it is. The Texans D is quite  stout overall but its one weakness-slow-ish linebackers that can’t cover te’s or short passes to the halfbacks-plays directly to the Chiefs strengths. Look for Kelce and Ware to thrive.

Now…LET’S GET OUT THERE AND GO, FIGHT, TYPE!!!

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trollsoharduniversity

CBS is calling Kevin James “The King of Comedy.” If this isn’t a reason for a coup d’etat, then I don’t know what is.

Redshirt

This is the reason why this country is so bad that half the country wants to give Trump the keys.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Where does one apply to be the NEXTMANUP for ruler of the comedy kingdom?

Sill Bimmons

BLEERGH IS RAINING DOOM ON TEH LOINS

Sill Bimmons

Loins loinsing.

King Hippo

1st and goal from the 31!

IronAvenger6491

I wish that Iphone 7 commercial ended with the monster from Stranger Things kidnapping that douche to the Upside Down.

Spur

Apparently Holding isnt a penalty in the city of Pittsburgh if your jerseys are Black and pants are Yellow.

Duchess

So what 80’s early 90’s movie franchise will be bastardized into a TV show next season? Tango and Cash?

John Difool

Riptide or Magnum P.I.

Spur

Action Jackson

King Hippo

Jewkah wouldn’t have dropped that ball if it was thrown by a white man. NOBODY DENIES THIS!!!

IronAvenger6491

I hope that is the only score in this NO/NYG game.

Brocky

Did I run over a nun without noticing? I don’t have a single player over 5 points, defenses included

trollsoharduniversity

Jimmy G is fahkin huht!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

That Saints kicker needs to work on his trajectory – Raiders blocked one against him too and it was only a chip shot.

King Hippo

grabbing your kicker off street free agency has its drawbacks, it would seem

Gratliff

Ruling on the field stands in Houston. I give up. WHAT IS CATCH

Old School Zero

That’s what I get for picking up and playing a NE QB in fantasy despite my better principles.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

He’s already exceeded his projection! What more do you want???

Old School Zero

Like anyone rooting for a NE QB, anything less than complete dominance and victory is unacceptable to me.

fleshwound_NPG

This is a real NASCAR race and this is a real NASCAR trophy being raced for today

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Redshirt

If I was the Race Leader going towards the Checkered Flag, I would put myself into the wall.

Doktor Zymm

If you had to make a football team exclusively out of players from other sports, what sport would you pick for which position? I mean, basketball for tight end, obv.

Redshirt

QB would be Center Fielder or Catcher.

His Right Honorable Lord Lordship the Lordly

I’d field an O-Line of sub 6′ soccer strikers.

Sill Bimmons

They’d almost all have to be converted basketball players simply because the players in the three other main US sports are way too small on average to be effective as anything other than skill players. Even LBs and WRs would be hard to find.

Doktor Zymm

Doesn’t have to be US sports. Punter/Kicker would be great from the AFL for example.

Sill Bimmons

I wanted to keep it familiar.

The AFL and rugby leagues would get you some larger skill players but there really is no analogue to O-Line sized guys in any other sport I can think of.

Doktor Zymm

You would probably have to go to a fake sport, like Pro Wrestling

Bortleback

I would direct you towards the people wearing numbers 1-5 in a rugby union game

Sill Bimmons

I’ve been the guy wearing the No. 1 and I’m way too short. Very few guys in the front row are over 6′.

As for the locks, you’d have to build them up because even the heaviest lock is going to be south of three bills.

Bortleback

Sumo wrestlers for linemen

Sill Bimmons

Most aren’t tall enough.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

That’s not what I learned from Gene Hackman in his football documentary, The Replacements

Redshirt

Tomorrow: New England signs QB Bom Trady to 1-year deal.

IronAvenger6491

Tebow checks that the Pats lost another QB.

“Should of played ball Billy boy, should of played ball”

Bortleback

Someone go get Wes Welker from the stands in GIlette, and tell him to stop taking MDMA and get some pads on, he’s going in at QB – while wearing his creepy as fuck Tom Brady mask

Duchess

Redacted seem to be caught by surprise by the fact Dallas is actually trying to win this game.

Blocked FG returned for TD breaks the 0-0 NYG-NO deadlock

Redshirt

Big Ben: WHY KICK MAN GOING ON FIELD?

Sharkbait

Shiiiiiiiiiiiit

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Moonbatting Average

Rookie QB Tim Bradley coming in for the injured Garoppolo

Bortleback

Seen here in footage from his time in college:comment image

Kungjitsu

ONE A THESE QWATABACKS IS NAWT LIKE THE OTHAS!!!

King Hippo

Welcome to the NFL, guy who had a bad senior year at NC State! Prepare to hear some racist things if you have growing pains…

IronAvenger6491

Nevermind, the Giants Special teams decided to score first.

Doktor Zymm

Why has no one transitioned from Sumo Wrestling to football? Those dudes would be great on an O-line or D-line, until their knees totally gave out.

Sill Bimmons

No lateral movement. Poor pass blockers.

Doktor Zymm

Fair enough. Still might be an interesting experiment though.

herodotus450

They probably couldn’t get used to all the corruption in the NFL

Gratliff

A DAHKIE THROWIN’ FOR DA PATS!? DAHKEST TIMELINE!

...

Eating a delicious pizza with chicken, bacon, mushrooms, and artichokes. Nom.

Doktor Zymm

Where from?

...

It’s called ORD Pizzeria. I believe their delivery range extends to whether you are but I also know they blackout that area for deliveries during Cubs games.

They do weekly specials with 4-5 toppings which is usually what I order. 90% of the time, I end up liking it.

Doktor Zymm

I ate at that new pizza place on Southport recently, they do honey on their pizzas, it’s really tasty.

...

It is called Coalfire?

Doktor Zymm

Yep

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Woo hoo! It took like twenty minutes, but I finally got an Ace Player installed and can now steal Red Zone!

IronAvenger6491

Saints can break this goose egg with a field goal.

fleshwound_NPG

Punting game, both kicking and receiving, not a strength of the Cincinnati Bengals.

Gratliff

Does 1 knee still = 2 feet, or is that just getting fucked with while they’re doing the catch rule shenanigans?

Spur

Looks like Zeke is warming up.

Doktor Zymm

Owie. Owie. Owie. Anyone wanna play on the Skins D-line?

Sharkbait

Shit. Garoppolo dead.

herodotus450

Is Edelman the backup? Please tell me Edelman is the emergency qb!

Old School Zero

Dead?

Spur

What happened?

Claymaker

Dre Kirkpatrick can get his ass kicked, worse than that little Limp Bizkit bastard.

Spur

Hearing Fouts talk about the mcringleberry is wonderful

fleshwound_NPG

…and Bungles continue to fuck up punts

Doktor Zymm

Dak Dak bo Bak banana nana fo fack, me mi mo mak, Dak.

That’s pretty damn fun.

fleshwound_NPG

Antonio Brown confirmed human

Spur

Todd Haley is back!

Old School Zero

Derptown Antonio Brown

Gratliff

Goddamn it, Arian Foster.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Aryan Fosterer would be a good name for a fantasy team, and you could use the flag of Argentina as your avatar.

King Hippo

oooooh, that’s good. Uruguay would also work.

The New York Not So Good at Football Giants.

IronAvenger6491

Giants fumble for the third time today.

King Hippo

yep, I officially think the Lions are kinda cool. Will at least liven up Thanksiving prep time this year!

Redshirt

THESE BENGALS, I CALL THEM YU-GI-OH BECAUSE APPARENTLY A BENGAL PLAYER NEEDS TO BE SACRIFICED AND SENT TO THE GRAVEYARD BEFORE THEY CAN DO ANYTHING APPARENTLY!!!!!

Sill Bimmons

APPARENTLY

herodotus450

Tres Way? No way.