Your Early Afternoon Slate Of NFL Games Open Thread

You read that? You can’t talk about anything but football. Football, football, football. I kid of course-open up about anything you like. Just be aware that you may get drowned out by a DEZDOWN! or a HAIL BLEERG! or a FLACCOCEPTION! You spin the wheel, you take yer chances…TO THE GAMES!

Cincy/Pit-Oof! Qb Dalton was sacked 7 times last week. I expect that the Steelers D will increase that total. Lb Shazier left with a knee injury last week and his status was up in the air earlier in the week but he’ll play today. The Bengals gave up 5.3 yds per carry to Forte and Powell last week and now face 143 yard-earner Williams. My prediction?…Pain, uh, I mean Rain-a 50% chance.

Tenn/Det-Qb Stafford is sporting a ridiculous 79.5% completion rate. Yes, it is fun to cherry-pick stats after the first week of play. The Titans weren’t able to get any pressure on Shaun Hill last week so I expect The Chunky Monkey will have himself another fine game. Go get ’em, Marvin Jones! Rook wr Sharpe is looking like the real thing in Mariota’s eyes. He had 7 catches on 11 targets, both of which led the team. If the Lions get up early on the Titans as I expect they will, the latter’s plans to ground and pound with Murray and Henry will be shelved once again.

Bal/Cle-Next up on the Browns QB Carousel is old, dependable Josh McCown. As a starter over the last 19 games he’s 2-17. His opposite number, mayo-based life form Flacco is 13-2 vs. the Browns. He threw vanilla-ish stats of 22/33-258-1 against the wall in a yawn-inducing 13-7 win over the Bills last week. Look for wr Wallace to test the back end of a leaky Browns secondary early. One guy that is happy about the dreadful McCown news is te Barnidge-he had two drops last week and did little else. Last year he was able to spread his wings stats-wise as Josh’s security blanket. Look for more of the same starting this week.

Dal/Wash-Both squads lost last week so of course there was tons of hand-wringing among the faithful this week. No one wants to go down 0-2 in a division that could be won by an assemblage of national Punt, Pass and Kick winners. Wr Dez had but one catch on five targets last week. Renowned world-beater Beasley had a mere 12 targets in the same game. DAK! will take what the D gives him at this point in his development but The Beezer is not going to win you games. Oh looky over here-Dez tends to play the right side of the field which is where a certain cb by the name of Norman plays. Interesting! Look for rb Elliot to bust out this game given the run-stopping issues that the Redacteds had last week against the Steelers.

Saints/Giants-The Giants reformulated d-line and secondary should reduce the chances of there being a repeat of the 52-49 OT score-ganza that occurred last year. Brees is still Brees of course but this one is being played outside in less than agreeable conditions. New York’s less than whelming lb group is vulnerable to the te but Fleener was near-invisible last week. The Saints D didn’t get a single TO or sack last week. That’s amazing. You know what’s depressing? This already below average unit just lost starting cb Breaux to a broken leg. I expect Brees’ arm to kneel-down in protest of the harsh working conditions it is being subjected to any week now.

SF/Car-The Niners have a win and Carolina doesn’t? Has the world gone topsy-loopy? San Fran stunned the Rams last week by putting up 28 points and shutting them out. This week they are 13.5 point ‘dogs to the Panthers. I’m willing to bet that after one game they’re not that good nor are they that bad. Kelly’s heroes will catch up to the spread in garbage time.

Mia/NE-The Pats begin their annual humbling of  AFC East teams by hosting the Fins. As far as I know at this point Gronk may or may not play. It doesn’t matter. Qb Jimmy G (I don’t know how to spell Garibaldi. See?) will three step drop his way to adequate stats feeding the likes of Amendola, Edelman and Hogan. When the Miami D begins back-pedalling New England will treat them to a pounding by a Blount-force object. Easy peasy.

KC/Hou-Qb Smith threw for 363 yards last week. As you may have guessed, about 40% of those yards went to rb’s Ware and West. That’s the Alex Smith we all know, love and expect. Ware leads the team in rushing and receiving and is doing pretty much exactly what Jamaal Charles will next week when he returns. If you’re an rb that can catch the ball in an Andy Reid offence, you will pile up the numbers. That’s just the way it is. The Texans D is quite  stout overall but its one weakness-slow-ish linebackers that can’t cover te’s or short passes to the halfbacks-plays directly to the Chiefs strengths. Look for Kelce and Ware to thrive.

Now…LET’S GET OUT THERE AND GO, FIGHT, TYPE!!!

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litre_cola

So The Factory is setting up well here.

fleshwound_NPG

I said this earlier, but damn for a big rivalry game, there are a ton of empty seats in Yinzerville

Bortleback

Rain > Rivalry

Lothar of the Hill People

It’s too hot for all the oversize loads. The stands will fill up once 40 lbs of excess fat is advantageous, weather-wise.

Doktor Zymm

Yay Su’a Cravens! He’s gonna do lots of goods in the future, hopefully.

Spur

Washington plays jump around too much.

Doktor Zymm

Is that why Kirk Cousins throws up, throws up and throws down?

Sill Bimmons

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blaxabbath

Early afternoon? It’s 12:30! The 1:05 games are early afternoon!

Bortleback

it’s 20:30 here – we have evening games and night games!

litre_cola

I would no idea how you would work tomorrow. I still state that central time or mountain time are the best.

Bortleback

I usually get to bed a little after midnight, so it’s not so bad really. Watching SNF and MNF live isn’t really an option though.

Do you think Boss Todd would make a good hobo?

litre_cola

Tomsula’s sidekick?

King Hippo

the other hobos would kill him pretty quick, methinks

LemonJello

“He better keep his dick-skinners off my shopping cart.”

-Ed Reed

IronAvenger6491

Commander Shepard is looking really good today, Cruz should take notes.

trollsoharduniversity

Jarvis Landry just dragged his nuts on the helmet of a Pats defender and I’ve never enjoyed a stoppage in play more.

Doktor Zymm

So…is teabagging a specific penalty, or just grouped into unsportsmanlike conduct?

Lothar of the Hill People

Twerking is a penalty, but salsa dancing isn’t.

I’d guess teabagging is fine, because it sounds like something lighter-skinned people do.

LemonJello

Boss Todd looking like he just realized he left the t-tops off his Camaro Z28.

Glorious Chairman Dan

goddamnit kirk stop blowing all of our opportunities fuck

Lothar of the Hill People

“I’ll take ‘What Scotty says at the bar’ for $1000, Alex”

Lothar of the Hill People

Does it make me a bad person if I’m hoping that Jeanine Garafolo’s injury keeps him out the next 2 weeks?

litre_cola

Well we know you aren’t TAHHMMYY as he wouldn’t stahnd for the dahhkiie qb

Lothar of the Hill People

I just realized while I’ve been subjected to the Cincinnati-Pittsboigh game, I haven’t seen a single score from another game crawling across the bottom of the screen, and very few highlights/updates from other games.

hippofant

N. Korea launched nukes. Total nuclear annihilation. Except Pittsburgh. Nobody bothered to nuke Pittsburgh.

LemonJello

Nobody would notice anyway.

John Difool

De Niles Paul ain’t just a river in Egypt you know…..

Glorious Chairman Dan

Zeke fumble thanks to Boss Norman! Time for the torpedoes

IronAvenger6491

Brees scores the first offensive TD of the game, early in the 4th quarter to make the game 10-10.

Doktor Zymm

A turnover while I was eating a turnover! A meta first!

Trevor Semen

There you go, Lobster. Keep proving Elway right

King Hippo

Christ, could he have stared that WR down any harder??

King Hippo

also, our equine Lord and Saviour is ALWAYS RIGHT!!!

Lord Joe Don Looney

The ref can’t point to the spot where he got hit, but in was in the ballz by the football.

King Hippo

SIX Bungle plays inside the 10…

ThePirateSloth

Sunday’s planned dinner:
– fresh mozz slices marinating in olive oil, fresh basil (torn), diced roma tomatoes
– trying my hand at a “true” carbonara sauce (no cream or white wine) with diced pancetta, garlic, add some torn fresh basil at finish

I’ve never made carbonara this way. I’ve always made it the way my mom taught me with milk/cream, bacon/pancetta, garlic.

Sill Bimmons
ThePirateSloth

More than one. I’m using 3 large eggs, reserve 1/2-1 cup of salted pasta water. Let the yolks warm up to room temp before starting to cook, add the reserved pasta water to the eggs.

Sill Bimmons

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Trevor Semen

Did the Chiefs just run it on 3rd and 17?

trollsoharduniversity

What did you expect?

Recovery Whiskey

Riddick-fingers

IronAvenger6491

They made Lethal Weapon into a tv show?! and they didn’t cast Mac or Dennis as either of the main characters!!?!?!

Doktor Zymm

How is it that baseball teams can have lovely all grass fields in September, at the end of the season, yet any football field that’s grass is just horrible, even at the start of the season?

trollsoharduniversity

Marketing?

litre_cola

Weight of participants.

Sill Bimmons

No 350-lb men digging in trying to move 290-lb men.

Redshirt

Most of the action occurs in the dirt. Only action in grass is three outfielders chasing down fly balls.

trollsoharduniversity

Matthew Stafford just ran for a 24 yard gain, proving that Matthew Stafford can, in fact, run for 24 straight yards.

Lothar of the Hill People

Yeah, but he had to use his inhaler* afterwards.

*Inhaler actually a toilet paper roll full of bacon grease

Doktor Zymm

I’m going to eat a turnover. Note to Kirk Cousins : this is a dessert, NOT A SUGGESTION

Sill Bimmons

Good to see that the Heinz Field groundskeeping crew is in mid-March form.

http://c8.alamy.com/comp/BTKB8C/world-war-i-no-mans-land-near-lens-france-ca-1918-BTKB8C.jpg

King Hippo

fair reflection of the commuters’ road conditions, too

ThePirateSloth

Jason Garrett is tricky?
https://youtu.be/l-O5IHVhWj0

Spur

THAT’S where you decide to take a chance, Garrett????????

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Love the Detroit-Tennessee FGkakke. “Here boys, take 15-18 points and divide them amongst yourselves”

King Hippo

NEIN, los Lionos git them a Q1 safety!

IronAvenger6491

Running the ball on 1st and 30, i see you McAdoo

Doktor Zymm

That is some creative onside kick derp

Spur

Zeke look like they are starting catch up to nfl speeds.

IronAvenger6491

YOU GET A FLAG, AND YOU GET A FLAG!

Sill Bimmons

HATE TEH NAME LOVE TEH GAMEDOWN WOO

Redshirt

As we all know, Big Ben (allegedly) likes tight ends.

Sill Bimmons

MOON SAMMIE COATES WOO

Doktor Zymm

Dakkit. I have a huge amount of Ethiopian food. I should have ordered extra injera. This will be dinner later and also lunch tomorrow.

litre_cola

That is just good budgeting. Can you get good Ethiopian food in Chicago?

Doktor Zymm

There’s a bunch of Ethiopian immigrants in Uptown, so there’s a few good restaurants there. Also a small Ethiopian grocery store where I can buy teff and other Ethiopian type items!

litre_cola

I live near an Ethiopian enclave here so a couple good restaurants where usually I am the only Caucasian in there and 2 of them have a wee grocery attached so I love the stuff.

Doktor Zymm

That’s pretty fantastic. It’s a tasty, tasty cuisine, and pretty hard to make at home. I did make my own injera once, and it came out pretty well, but so much work.

fleshwound_NPG

DAK ATTAK

King Hippo

DAK? DAK DAK DAK!!!!

Kungjitsu

The best part of today is going to be Belichick getting pressed by some feisty reporter about Garoppolo’s shoulder injury.

King Hippo

Miami D so shit today I could quarterback with moderate success.

litre_cola

Is Foster dead again?

King Hippo

I assume so, but can neither confirm nor deny.

Sill Bimmons

Yep.

Learned that lesson.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

You know what’s a good reminder that society is nothing more than a bunch of mouth breathing assholes you should do your best to avoid? Outlet malls.

litre_cola

Had to step out for an hour. I notice that Garropopopolo is no longer the qb for the Pats. I am sure TAHHMMY from Quinzee is taking this well.

Sill Bimmons

Patriots Twitter is teh Somme.

trollsoharduniversity

AH YOU KIDDING? THIS DAHKY IS THE BEST QB IN THE LEAGUE. FAHK JIMMY GEE!

Kungjitsu

I’M NAWT SAYIN ANYTHING BUT HAVE YOU SEEN THE NEW GUY WITHOUT HIS HELMET AWN?

Sill Bimmons

NAOW I WANT BRISKET

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fleshwound_NPG

[eats monitor]

NOTHING IS HAPPENING

Sill Bimmons

TRY HARDER DAMMIT

IronAvenger6491

Saints punter is totally their MVP this game.

King Hippo

The Ben really has been The Wretched today, huh?

Sill Bimmons

Not surprising.

It’s the first time I’ve ever drafted him, so…

King Hippo

HARF’s on you??

Sill Bimmons

Yup. No Choco Taco.

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Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Nice defense by the Cowboys defender on the Redacteddown. Gets beat, tries to facemask him, when that doesn’t work drive the top of his head into a wall to try to break his neck

Gratliff

Peronal foul: Boarding