Your “Punch (and Beer and Scotch and Martini) Drunk” Late Afternoon Football Open Thread

Don’t you just love flurstbulb? Gspecially when they plat in Londern and you can trink all blay long. WHOO! P! 2 TA BLAMES!!@X!!!!!!!!!!

Den/TB-Believe it or not, rb Doug “I’m super healthy this year, honest!” Martin is out for this one. The Broncos counter with de Ware being de-sidelined. This one’s a wash. For you fantasy dudes, take a close look at rb Sims for Tampa-not the best of matchups but he’ll get a ton of touches. Yes, it’s only 3 weeks in but wr Evans is trending towards 1600 yards and 16 TD’s. I’d go with 1300 and 11 if he’s solved his dropsy problem. Trevor “I’ll try hard not to lose the game” Siemian has acquitted himself better than most folks expected. Of course that D gives him quite a bit of leeway.

LA/Zona-The Rams have won 2 in a row? [looks at standings] Yup. HC Fisher is that co-worker that does just enough to not get fired when upper management is eyeballing him. I hate those guys! Plus, he probably doesn’t cut his nose hairs. Last week the Cards could have crushed Rex Ryan’s chances of coaching the rest of the year but instead chose to fold like a Walmart-purchased deck chair. The chances of each of these squads returning to form this week are very good.

NO/SD-“Don’t You Forget About Me.”-Both Team’s D

Simple minds like yours truly want to the see the world and both of these D’s burn. Let’s have a 53-48 “this is what you really want, Goodell” final score.

Dal/SF-The Dez has a hairline fracture and didn’t show up to his MRI apparently. What the hell do you want Jerry? THE GUY MAJORED IN DRAMA!* (*may not be even remotely true) If you’re in a PPR league you’re in love with a little Beasley. Qb Gabbert is getting it done in the “Start Kaep” department-his 5.5 yards per attempt is last among starting QB’s. As a Giant flan, (and who doesn’t love an over-sized flan?) I’m hoping that the Niners steal this one but there may not be enough smoke and mirrors in California to pull it off and that’s saying something. What am I trying to say? Nothing.

Now, my sweet, sweet monkeys, GET GOING!

 

 

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theeWeeBabySeamus

OK, has every basedball player become such a pussy that they have to wear Oakley ski goggle to keep champagne/beer out of the eyes? Seriously. Fucking pussies.

theeWeeBabySeamus

And while we’re on the goddamned subject (and keep in mind this is my team I’m denigrating)…you won nothing. You barely beat out a shitty Tigers team. You now have a one game playoff to get into the real playoffs you fucking dicks. Stop acting like you won the WS, or even won the division. You could have won the division had you not shat the bed for the month of August.

Fuck right the hell off. Fuck me.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I love the Orioles. But Orioles acting like douchenozzles. Deserve to lose to either Toronto or Detroit (dunno yet) and go home early.

Fucking dickheads.

Senor Weaselo

Good question, between Baltimore and Toronto who do I hate more, so who do I want going out in the WC game and who do I want getting smoked by the Rangers (hopefully)?
/As long as the Sawx lose too of course

theeWeeBabySeamus

I’m OK with that.

Spur

HAHA Nacho sighting.

blaxabbath

I know he caught a TD pass just now. Floyd is still a goner.

Doktor Zymm

Nope. Not gonna wear these. Though entertained that the ass crack is apparently labeled part #20.
http://ipfunny.blogs.com/photos/uncategorized/29200685634_am.jpg

Gratliff

Dak’ll make a fine runner up to the RoY award.

blaxabbath

Did Norman get 15 for shooting a bow and arrow because a guy in a [*Redacted] get up shooting a bow and arrow is offensive?

Gratliff

[*Redacted] s-specific penalties would be perfectly acceptable.

blaxabbath

Or is it because bow and arrows are violent?

Like, what if he made the pick then sat down and started weaving blades of grass into a basket for carrying a child on your back?

Doktor Zymm

Sitting down would definitely draw a penalty, even accidentally falling on your butt is considered unsportsmanlike.

Spur

Zebra down

Doktor Zymm

No damn clue what’s happening here, but there’s probably an AA.Ron Rodgers joke and something about kicking the Cowboys in the ass.
http://bashny.net/uploads/images/00/00/13/2013/05/18/3912270dbb.gif

Unsurprised

That led me to this. Thanks, Dok

comment image

Doktor Zymm

AHHH!

Gratliff

comment image

Romonobyl

YEEEEEEEHAAAAWWWWWWWW!!!!!
Pray for my entire endocrine system please.

Doktor Zymm

You aren’t jumping up and down in horribly impractical patent leather cowboy boots, shooting pistols into the air, are you?

Romonobyl

Ummm…no. Why do you ask?

/tapes over webcam

Spur

NIOCE Pass by Dak

Gratliff

All I want is for Dak to do a Romo here

Unsurprised

Get broken in half?

Romonobyl

Bring them to the brink of the playoffs then go full meltdown?

yeah right

Apart from the field old Jack Murphy is pretty much a fucking dump. The sound system is horrifying and the standard def TVs look like they were stolen from a Motel 6.

The weather is fucking gorgeous though. And cheerleaders!

New School Zero

Now you’ve seen the glory of the Spanos Spending Spree, or lack thereof.

John Difool

So I just saw where Lindsey Lohan’s finger was severed in a boating accident.

Probably not a good idea to hang on to your John’s money-clip like it was a life preserver.

Bortleback

She used to be so hot……how the mighty have fallen

Lothar of the Hill People

Just looked it up. Sliced off the tip of her finger and it was reattached by a plastic surgeon.

She probably did it to get some oxy.

blaxabbath

Another pass to Michael Floyd (in a contract year) right on the numbers. Another Michael Floyd drop.

He’s gonna look great in a 49ers uni next year.

Unsurprised

A new awardee for the coveted Ginn Coin

http://thumbnails116.imagebam.com/47916/308832479158026.jpg

theeWeeBabySeamus

Orioles clinch wildcard…wooooo.
Orioles clinch wildcard…crap.
/mixed emotions are mixed

Romonobyl

Based….balls???

...

The BFiB are whining that the Dodgers threw their game against the Giants because they were scared of facing the Cardinals. Nevermind that the Dodgers had nothing to play for and the Cardinals can’t play them until the NLCS which means they’re too dumb to realize how the bracket is set up or they’re convinced they’ll knockoff the Mets AND Cubs without a problem…

I’m sorry, I should short this: Fuck St. Louis.

Doktor Zymm

Michelob Ultra, it’s not QUITE non-alcoholic beer

John Difool

I keep waiting for Deer Park to buy it out and call it “Deer Park Lite”

Spur

Terrence Williams so fucking dumb

herodotus450

Lady Gaga showing she can memorize lines, dress like a coke-whore cheerleader at the same time

Spur

I think Lady Gaga is going to fuck Strahan

Lothar of the Hill People

Going to? They have lots of time between when they’re on-camera.

Spur

Iron Liver Witten, God bless him.

Romonobyl

I thought it was his spleen?

Spur

Was it spleen? I just know he was playing the next game.

Romonobyl

I’m strangely at peace with bad calls against the Niners. Not reinforcing the Cowboy stereotype at all.

Doktor Zymm

I suspect we have different ideas of the Cowboy stereotype…

blaxabbath

The sad thing is that ARI will write this season off as an unfortunate outlier and bring back Betcher and Palmer next year with no QB of the future in the ranks.

King Hippo

QuarterPax WOO!!!!!

John Difool

“There are a ton of Cowboys fans in Levi’s Stadium today.”

Are the Village People doing the half-time show?

King Hippo

see picture above

Gratliff

Jesus christ, Arizona is murdering survivor pools

blaxabbath

Never survivor pick against STL in division games. That’s where they make their living at 8-8.

King Hippo

Carson Palmer is really goddamned awful. Why do they not run with David Johnson like 30-35 times a game?

Bortleback

There are times that I think that Palmer and Arians deserve eachother

Unsurprised
Bortleback

Some advice for life: Never listen to Roy Keane, or anyone associating themselves with his name

Unsurprised

Mentally, I’m losing my mind. I need to go out and do something and maybe run some errands and whatever. But the flesh is weak and achy.

Doktor Zymm

You know yourself pretty well, is there something you can do that’ll make you do healthy stuff? The earlier you trick yourself into not being hopeless, the better. There’s a point of no return, where it’s just the couch and maybe booze and lots of sleep, if you get there you just gotta ride it out.

Doktor Zymm

It’s too bad that Supercars are way sexier than kickers, otherwise Josh Lambo would have a great natural endorsement deal.

Lothar of the Hill People

He should be in a Sylvester Stallone parody movie. Lambo: First Blood, Part II

Spur

Dez looks like a Sith Lord with that hoodie. Darth Dez.

King Hippo

looks like a collarbone owie to me

Doktor Zymm

NO/SD, both teams have colors that are fairly pink friendly.

King Hippo

Denver, Tampa are the LEAST

Gratliff

Donks had a good run

King Hippo

HOLEE SHIT, tis QuarterPax time for the Donks in Tampa…

New School Zero

BUT WHAT ABOUT THE SEMEN JOKES?!?!?!

Gratliff

That shit was gift wrapped by the NFL

Spur

You’re still on my shit list T. Williams.

Doktor Zymm

HAHA

Spur

Dak is more respected by the Zebras then Cam

New School Zero

Just goes to show where the Carolinas have fallen to, when they make Texas seem reasonable.

Gratliff

THE FUCK THAT WAS

John Difool

What a horseshit call on the Niners

Romonobyl

Was a weak call, but I’ll take it!

blaxabbath

Boo birds are out in ari.

Romonobyl

DAK LIVES MATTER!!!!

Unsurprised
Unsurprised
Doktor Zymm

That’s an unreasonable request. Denied.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I can’t pretend to care about these games anymore. Zymm, what opera did you go see? Give me every detail about the show. This sounds sarcastic but I care far more about this than the games. I honestly would have asked before but didn’t want to bug you too much about it so I faked forgetting to ask til like 2.

Doktor Zymm

It was Das Rheingold. Instead of me trying to describe it, I recommend going to the Lyric Opera website and watching the preview video. It was good stuff.

Doktor Zymm

I don’t understand the rules. It’s totally cool to stir imaginary cake mix after a TD, but a bow and arrow after an interception is not cool? I need a full list of mimed actions and an official ruling of each.

The Maestro

THE NFL IS IN BED WITH BIG CAKE – THE SWEETEST CONSPIRACY YOU’RE ONLY JUST LEARNING ABOUT

Romonobyl

Remember the baby diapering? That set the bar for me.

Doktor Zymm

And he didn’t even wipe the imaginary babies ass….PENALTY : DIAPER RASH

New School Zero

Inman got in, man.

Unsurprised

Most of this movie was shot in Albuquerque, and it’s just another reminder of how fucking ugly and depressing that shit hole is. Anyone who says the southwest is beautiful is out of their goddamn mind.

Doktor Zymm

All I know about Albuquerque is that’s where Bugs Bunny always took wrong turns.

Unsurprised

And there’s a reason why he never stopped there or that it was the destination.

Spur

What is a “sack”?

Unsurprised

A thing to put balls into

Doktor Zymm

Or potatoes!

Romonobyl

/fires up Snapchat…

John Difool

“I’ll take “The History of Tea Bags” for $200, Alex…”

-Aaron Rodgers on Celebrity Jeopardy

Doktor Zymm

AGH CREEPY CLAY MATTHEWS AD CAN’T UNSEE

blackroseMD1

A damn pee-wee team could run on the Chargers defense.

blaxabbath

4-man rush and ARI still leads STL’s leading WR wide open.

BIRDCANO looks more like The Birdcage.