Hey folks! Gather round-I’ve got an admission to make. I’m going to watch this game. I can’t help it. I was born this way. I didn’t *choose* to be a fan of the NFL. Sure there are other options like preseason hockey, preseason basketball, NASCAR, college football and hell, if yer desperate enough, playoff baseball. But me? I am who I am. TO THE GAME!
Cards/Niners-Two 1-3 teams are trying to save their season but there can be only one because ties don’t exist in the NFL, right Donovan? That poor guy will never live that down in my addled brain-space. JOHNSON! HYDE! GABBERT! STANTON! CATANZARO! DAWSON! The star’s names just roll off the exclamation marks, don’t they? The Niners are now down starting cb Ward, dl Buckner and now inside lb Bowman who has shredded his Achilles. This is a D that ranks dead last, worst, not-best at stopping the run. Given that perennial backup qb Stanton is up to bat(?), I’m thinking that hat-hungry hc Arians lets loose the Star That Is David (Johnson) [fantasy owners everywhere fall to their knees and wail] This seems like a not-brainer. Although Stanton does love him the deep ball. When he plays wr Floyd ends up with more targets than the most obvious guy. #SitFitz is what I’m trying to say. Cards, this is your game to lose-don’t do that.
A word to our fellow commentists that may be in the line of Hurricane Matthew fire. Stay safe. That is all.
Now, TALK TO ME (and others), PEOPLE!
Welcome to The Folgers Halftime Show!
/falls asleep
Kelly’s another one of those guys who’s convinced nothing he did was a mistake ever
Honey Badger Miked Up!
/teaches us that players are excited and vocal during the game
The alternate universe I most want to live in is the one where Carson Palmer has never had a single injury.
How are Kevin White’s legs in this universe?
And Tony Romo’s back/shoulder/brain ….
NO, YOU SHUT UP!!!11!!!1!
how many USC song girls do I get to bang in this universe??
Only Iowa flag-twirlers, sorry.
Did they find Zach Britton there?
Folks
SF is the blonde.
But … they’re both “blonde”?
EXACTLY!!!
Fitty. He’s good.
http://www.geekalerts.com/u/Star-Wars-Deluxe-Figure-Tauntaun.jpg
15 yard penalty, Luke.
And I thought this game smelled bad on the outside …
/narrative
Phil Simms Moral Compass
You showed him.
WAY TO GO DUMBASS
Guys, Great Divide Hibernation is back on the shelves.
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Soooo much lightning west of my house.
http://www.runnersworld.com/sites/runnersworld.com/files/styles/article_main_image_2200px/public/lightningbolts.jpg
Is it Boltman?
Stay neutrally charged.
Thanks, Lincoln.
It’s always nice to be reminded that there are people with larger closets than a two-bedroom apartment.
Good. Now they can’t make Kap go in and fuck up that beautiful afro with his helmet. He looks like the conga player in Santana.
http://www.ukrockfestivals.com/santanabath2.jpg
These new Segways look a little strange.
http://www.gifbin.com/bin/052014/1399491649_womens_weightlifting_fail.gif
you might think you are being lulled to sleep…and then…BLAINE IS INSIDE OF YOU!!!!
Insurmountable lead! Nothing else to see.
This game.
http://buzzflare.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/05/fail-gif-grenades.gif
Is Houston at Navy the sequel to the Houston 500?
That’s a NASCAR race, right?
This here is banner material.
I like.
NOW WITH ANIMATION:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WTWdP5DMdsM
“Those gloves! They’re way more innocent than mine.”
-OJ
Pheeeeeeeel sounds peeeeeeeeeeeeesed at Kaeperneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek
That whole conversation was awful.
Yuuuup. Terrible and awkward.
I wanna see Kaepernick in a SF golf visor. That would be fucking epic.
New game: How many visors can you stick into Kaep’s fro?
The real reason for hurricanes:
how the fuck is this a reply. this fucking game is messing with my head
So I just spent the last half-hour on the phone with my sister; how many punts did I miss?
All of them.
6, I am 100% serious
Almost all of them.
Ice Eagles beating the Ice Giants 4-2. Still better than this game.
Same score in the Dirt Browns vs. Dirt Pats game.
I Want Chili! [remembers that he started a chili 3 hours ago]
/WHOOOOOO!
I will never like TBS’s baseball coverage.
http://66.media.tumblr.com/dc208bbead91a5331c386d7a7e968327/tumblr_mifaseTpVg1s3ykgxo1_500.png
CBS is the retread network now. First Hawaii 5-0, now MacGyver. What’s next? That’s 70’s show?
and now, for the latest installment in our series chronicling the interactions of God, our lord and savior, and his ongoing effort to cause Brocky as much personal agony as possible through his fantasy manifestations:
Jesus: Hey Dad, this hurricane looks pretty serious, we might want to intervene here.
God: If they didn’t want so many hurricanes, they shouldn’t have messed up the ozone so bad, what’s up with Brocky.
Jesus: Dad! There’s going to be death and disease and…
God: The Only Floridian lives i care about are manatees. Brocky, status report, now.
Jesus: Fine, Brocky is eyeing the 49ers defense, which is available in all his leagues. With the cardinals struggling, and palmer missing, Brocky thinks it’ll be a sleeper performance.
God: Well we can’t have that. lets have every source possible talk up the cardinals rushing attack, and give brocky every second thought possible.
during the Thursday night game, scoreless first quarter
God: and I love it when a plan comes together. Touchdown Niners!
Jesus: Dad, it’s scoreless
God: Won’t be for long. we’re going to have a pick-six here in a second, then a fumble recorvery TD in the 4th.
Jesus: and florida?…
God: Fine, I’ll avoid the everglades, happy?
Jesus: 3 days I was dead, 3 days for this …
God: You think 3 days is bad? Try having the Red Sox not win a title in 80 years, and have no less than 1300 Bostonians curse your name every single day for it. Now, let’s go niners!
http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ltftxzdXJO1r52he3o1_400.gif
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This might end by the time the early games start on Sunday.
good, I’d rather skip Th/Fr anyhoo
From left to right in my control room:
The CW showing IheartRadio in Vegas. This shitshow of a game. Chicago Med. Pitch.
I’m not sure what’s worse.
Peanut butter/Butterscotch/Toffee cookies are the business.
So much about the world is confusing.
“James Bell is a Silicon Valley billionaire who dreams of building a hospital with ultimate cutting-edge technology to treat rare and incurable diseases. He partners with a maverick surgeon, Dr. Walter Wallace, who leads the effort in clearing out the bureaucracy of medicine, and focus on forward thinking, advancing technology, and saving lives—at no cost to the patient.”
That’s the plot of Pure Genius.
Why…?
Foar a moment I was confused with Real Genius and thought I completely missed some subtext.
It confused teh Google at first too.
Oh god that is only the end of the first, it feels like we should be starting the 4th after we return. Eh, fuck it, I will stick with it. Maybe I could play a drinking game. Take a shot after every punt.
the club can’t even handle him right now
http://s3.amazonaws.com/rapgenius/1363629606_original.gif
What a fucking dipshit for unloading on his own teammate.
“Chip Kelly’s plays are less offensive than Oh! Calcutta!”.
-Frank Rich
Way to concuss your own teammate.
I HAVENT SEEN A JOHN BROWN MAKE A MISTAKE LIKE THAT SINCE HARPERS FERRY
“Perhaps writing about his body may inspire some people.”
-Stephen Vincent Benet
did he, like, bite Flacco’s weewee?
hoo boy
http://www.asktheheadhunter.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/sucks-so-bad-300×145.jpg
This game blows more than hurricane Matthew
I’m having a hard time justifying watching this game instead of finally starting MGS V: Phantom Pain. So unless the Chipster finally has enough of these black unis and suddenly breaks out his favorite, uh, “ghost outfit,” I think I’m gonna sit this one out…
Remember this moment in June…
yes, Sill is wise man. WE MUST SAVOUR EVERY GODDAMNED MOMENT.
When I put a bullet in my brain, definitely gonna be in fucking June.
I knowwwww…
Unless this game ends in a 0-0 tie, which seems highly possible at this point, my off season self will be mad at me.
but then you’ve seen HISTORY!
Eh, it has its own channel, and it’s pretty overrated.
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What do you think is wrong with Michael Floyd? He’s in a contract year, and should be popping off the screen. Now he’s getting out-snapped by Jaron Brown. Any Cards fans here with the inside dope?
Drew Stanton.