Hello and welcome back to CrimeBeat!, the internet’s only source for NFL crime-related news not beholden to donors, party politics or special interests. Brought to you by Combos™. Combos: They Might Not Give You Taint Cancer!

Oh men. MEN! No CB! for the last three weeks, as I was in trial (because apparently I pissed on a statue of Buddha in a past life or something), but the Evening Open Thread gentlemen did a fine job covering the main stories (Teflon Shady getting sued civilly for allegedly Cop Stomping, etc.) and making me feel completely superfluous. Top marks, asshats!

Still, the birds seem sweeter, the air is brighter and the Sun is singing a happier tune, because the Forces of Darkness have been defeated. Like Frodo and Sam without the homoerotic overtones and the deus-ex-machina eagles, My Beloved Bills marched into Mordor and destroyed the power of The Hooded One. First shutout of the Greatriots in the House That the NSA Built means that the Ryan Brothers have accomplished the bare minimum that I desired from their tenure, and stomping the LA Splitters in their own house was a nice touch. If they knock the Greatriots out of the playoffs, I’m going to need medical attention because I am going to stroke out (phrasing).

Meanwhile, the NFL is rounding into form, and in accordance with the Denny Green Principle, most of the teams Are who we thought they Were. Actually, strike that- damn near no one is who (most of us) thought they were, so Denny Green is still the lovable incompetent we all knew during his lifetime.

Let’s run it through:

Philly: 3-1, with an oddly competent (don’t fucking dare say “poised”) rookie Gomer and a very impressive defense. Granted, two of those games were against Cleveland and Chicago, but Pittsburgh looked totally at a loss despite having at least a modicum of game film to study. Yes, Detroit managed to beat them at the bell, but Detroit is the lefty palooka that no manager wants their guy to fight- his flailing about with no predictable style means he’ll score the occasional lucky punch and lay someone legit on their back.

Minnesota Jawas: 5-0, including impressive wins over Green Bay and the Panthers. The general preseason feeling agreed with yeah right: Good D, but almost all offensive hope depended on Purple Jesus and the progress of Teddy Bridgewater. Well, that obviously went to shit when Tedrick stepped on an IED in practice and Karma finally decided to take a well-deserved shit on Peterson. And yet here we are. Never doubt the power of Mr. Winkles.

Dallas Fucking Cowboys: 4-1 under Rayne Dakota Prescott. So most of this has to do with a Full Commitment to the running game and an early-season schedule so soft that Downy has filed a trademark infringement case. But still, having half your team suspended and your two established stars injured should have slowed ‘Murica’s Team, but they keep on trucking. It’s inexplicable, like the fact that Trump is still going to get 40-odd percent of the vote.

Cleveland: Ok, so some things are still fixed values. THESE BROWNS, I CALL THEM “d”, BECAUSE THEY ARE THE UNIVERSAL CONSTANT OF DISAPPOINTMENT! To borrow from Dr. Perry Cox, the Browns’ offensive line has killed so many men I think they just might be government operatives.

Also, the Dolphins are pretty much who they normally are, although we are still waiting on this season’s new line of Tannehill Teases Practice Squad Players Who Embarrassed Him quips. Fivethirtyeight has it that they are trending heavily in the Yo Momma direction, making them as fresh and interesting as the fucking teal and orange color scheme.

Moving on: BRING FORTH THE ACCUSED!

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS

CHARGE: Violation of Exodus 22:18

The Greatriots were supposed to go 2-2 in the Age of Unibrow, probably losing to Arizona and either Houston or Buffalo. Then Garapollo (I don’t think that’s how it’s spelled, but I don’t give a sufficient shit to look) got injured and the Great Unwashed Masshole had an aneurysm. Because on the one hand, Darth Hoodie is THE BESTEST COACH EVAH AND HE CAN WIN NO MATTAH WHAAAAAT, but on the other hand it means rooting for a daaaaaahkie with a name that sounds like “brisket,” which is a little too Jewish for comfort. While the Bills managed to stem the tide temporarily, the Dark One now has his Precious back, and that means it’s time for the next set of heroes to step up. Obviously, that wasn’t the fuckstick shithole Browns. So now the burden falls upon (looks at schedule) the Bengals?!? Blerghdammit…

OK. Pope Mayhem is now speaking ex cathedra: New England is no longer coached by a man in league (or at least business) with the Devil. Bill Belichick is himself, in point of fact, the Father of Lies, Great Dragon, Black Goat with a Thousand Young, Satan the Destroyer. I am officially declaring a Commentariat Crusade, with remission of your many and varied sins for anyone who goes to the game and brings me the Dark One’s hood, the source of his unholy power. In nomene Internet Patris, et Philly Phanatic, et Spiritu Intoxicante, amen.

AQIB TALIB

CHARGE: Lying to investigators, accidentally lending credibility to CrimeBeat!

Listen, Dallas Police Department- I get it. It’s a big city. There’s a lot of crime to fight. But still, it took you 4 goddamned months to confirm the conclusion CrimeBeat!’s crack investigative staff jumped to immediately?

Fucking hell, you’d think this was a case where no one cared, like a black man getting shot. Oh wait…

For those of you who are new to the site, took the Summer Hiatus, or simply made the wise decision of not reading CrimeBeat!, Mr. Talib was rushed to a Dallas hospital (apparently in a 2015 Rolls Royce) at 3:45 a.m. with a gunshot in his leg. The circumstances around the shooting were allegedly very confused, primarily because Talib himself kept giving different accounts to different people. First, there was Where Did The Shooting Take Place, which might have been a park or might have been a strip club. Somehow, the Dallas PD- despite four months of intensive investigation- still does not know whether or not it was in the strip club. So I’m going to assume it was. Then, there was Who Shot Aqib. Initial police reports were focused on the ever-popular Unknown Assailant. However, Talib later stated that he was too intoxicated to remember getting shot or who might have done it. Almost immediately, however, a third story emerged- Aqib was telling his friends that he shot hissownself.

Now, based on the description of the wounds and bullet trajectory (entering through the rear of the thigh and exiting through the calf), two scenarios seemed likely at the time. First, an extremely creepy, grabby individual with guns in side holsters came up behind Aqib, groped him and one of the pistols went off.

The other possibility was what we dubbed a “Code Plaxico”, wherein the victim places a gun in the waistband of his or her pants (usually, but not necessarily, sweatpants) without the safety engaged, and then gets him or herself shot because no one has yet made a pair of pants that effectively substitutes for a pistol holster.

And if any of you fuckers steal that idea, I get 10% of sales.

So the Dallas Police issued their statement that the investigation confirmed exactly what we all fucking knew already. Well done- perhaps they can finally nail down that whole “Who shot Lee Harvey Oswald?” mystery…

LOCKER ROOMS

CHARGE: Conspiracy to inflict GBH (Groping Bodily Harm)

So it has come to this. I thought we were on a good path for separating sport from politics. TAAAAWWMY is no longer so openly buddy-buddy with His Trumpness. The kneeling-during-the-National Anthem thing has gone on long enough that pearls across the nation are slowly being unclutched (sorry, Notorious RBG). Hell, Chip Kelly is starting Colin Kaepernick, and if there’s one thing Chip Kelly hates more than dark-skinned skill players, it’s Taco Tuesdays. If there are two things, it’s the taco dealie and ‘uppity’ dark-skinned skill players. So maybe I could take a break from my normal politics-junkie stuff and just enjoy some sports.

But no. Now, everytime someone mentions the word “locker room” it’s a goddamn land mine. Athletes coming out talking about what ‘real’ locker room is like. Former high school jocks trying to rationalize the shit they said about women now that they have daughters. Jesus christ, how I yearn for the days when the biggest issue with locker rooms was old men’s insistance on spending as much time as possible with their junk hanging out. I get it, Grandpa, you’re part of the Greatest Generation, but for fuck’s sake grab a towel…

Reached for comment, DFO’s resident expert had this to say: