2016 Quotables (Week 9 – Submissions)

blaxabbath

blaxabbath

I sat on a jury years ago, 2nd degree attempted murder case. One day the defendant wore sneakers with his suit to court. It was that day I knew he was guilty.
blaxabbath

Latest posts by blaxabbath (see all)

In 2016, I’m probably watching the least amount of football (both NFL and college) since I started when I discovered online sportsbook in 2006. However, with Quotables, I’m probably seeing more game footage than ever before by going through the recaps. I can’t tell you if the “on field product” is any better or worse than previous seasons but I can tell you that, based on my weekly review of game highlights, here is what IS going on in the NFL:

  • The bumps and bruises of two months of football action are taking their toll on these players. Less hard hits, RB’s charging into linebackers, and explosive shots into arguably defenseless receivers make up the highlights. Cam is still getting cracked in the head though.
  • Teams are checking out. Not just the Browns, who are guaranteeing a win this week season but any player who knows they aren’t getting a playoff bonus this year and want to be healthy enough to play next year. Surprisingly, this doesn’t show up on the scoreboard but you can trust me. I heard about it from a millennial.
  • Context is everything. It shouldn’t be, considering these are five-second snippets of action but [nearly] everything seems to fit the narratives we all know and love. Player gets ejected on the first drive of the game from fighting off getting teabagged? Of course he’s a Brown. Botched cutesy onside kick? Your 2016 Pittsburgh Steelers. Want to guess which quarterback scrambled for a first down and then pitched a lateral downfield, risking the entire possession for the extra four yards picked up by his teammate? Well, he has a beard and is a Jet. I found a link to “Julio Jones with a drop” and the video was Jones, airborne, getting clipped HARD while the ball was still 10 feet from him — and he still almost made the catch.
  • The Raiders are destroying the NFL’s “teams need a new stadium to be successful” narrative. Put BIRDMURDERDOME in Oakland and — well, it’s made of glass so it’d be raided and pieced out to bay area pawn shops by this point in the season — but the theoretical point is that it puts this Raiders team at the top of the national conversation. Instead, you get to hear about how Jeff Fisher didn’t hear fans calling for Jared Goff. I’m sure Hillary 2020 Field at Goldman Sachs Stadium will have excellent acoustics so Fisher will get better crowd feedback over his next four contract extensions with the franchise.
  • Ticket prices, while still too damn high, are not high enough. You the see the people at these games? They shouldn’t be able to leave the house. We need a poll tax and an ugly tax, asap.

With that out of the way, let’s get to it!


Tampa Bay Buccaneers quarterback Jameis Winson is injured on a two-point conversation attempt in the 4th quarter of a Thursday Night Football game against the Atlanta Falcons.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers quarterback Jameis Winson is injured on a two-point conversation attempt in the 4th quarter of a Thursday Night Football game against the Atlanta Falcons.

A fan enjoys the game between the San Francisco 49ers and the New Orleans Saints.
A fan enjoys the game between the San Francisco 49ers and the New Orleans Saints.

Jacksonville Jaguars cornerback Prince Amukamara drops an interception against the Kansas City Chiefs.
Jacksonville Jaguars cornerback Prince Amukamara drops an interception against the Kansas City Chiefs.

Baltimore Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco scrambles for a first down against the Pittsburgh Steelers.
Baltimore Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco scrambles for a first down against the Pittsburgh Steelers.

Oakland Raiders punter Marquette King celebrates pinning the Denver Broncos inside their 5 yard line in the 3rd quarter of the teams Sunday Night Football game.
Oakland Raiders punter Marquette King celebrates pinning the Denver Broncos inside their 5 yard line in the 3rd quarter of the teams Sunday Night Football game.

Dallas Cowboys quarterback Dak Prescott scrambles for a first down against the Cleveland Browns.
Dallas Cowboys quarterback Dak Prescott scrambles for a first down against the Cleveland Browns.

Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce is ejected from a game against the Jacksonville Jaguars.
Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce is ejected from a game against the Jacksonville Jaguars.

Monday Night Countdown personality Randy Moss catches a fish before the Monday Night Football game between the Buffalo Bills and the Seattle Seahawks.
Monday Night Countdown personality Randy Moss catches a fish before the Monday Night Football game between the Buffalo Bills and the Seattle Seahawks.

 

blaxabbath
blaxabbath
I sat on a jury years ago, 2nd degree attempted murder case. One day the defendant wore sneakers with his suit to court. It was that day I knew he was guilty.
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Brick MeathookLemonJelloRikki-Tikki-DeadlyJustStopDudeSpanky Datass Recent comment authors
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LemonJello
LemonJello

I’ll only trust news from this source:
comment image?w=652

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

The popcorn you’re eating has been pissed in. Film at 11.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

CNN just breathlessly broke away from an interview with a poll worker to show BREAKING NEWS of Hillary Clinton’s motorcade leaving one place to go somewhere else.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Can’t find a video clip, but reminded me of this:
Kent Brockman: This is hour 57 of our live, round-the-clock coverage outside the Simpson estate. Remember, by the way, to tune in at eight o’clock for highlights of today’s vigil, including when the garbage man came, and when Marge Simpson put the cat out… possibly because it was harassed, we don’t know.

JustStopDude
JustStopDude
JustStopDude
JustStopDude

Fox News broke to go to a crazy person screaming weird shit…oh wait…that was Trump’s campaign manager.

LemonJello
LemonJello

Possible destination:

comment image

LemonJello
LemonJello
JustStopDude
JustStopDude

http://i2.wp.com/i.giphy.com/129PnATag34lna.gif?zoom=1.5&resize=478%2C269

Who would have the Hottest Teaks if this gif was used in their twitter feed….Curt Schilling or Trump?

LemonJello
LemonJello
Spanky Datass
Spanky Datass

Used Gravatar to change back to an old avatar, let’s see if it is a more user friendly size …

Spanky Datass
Spanky Datass

Aaaand nope; still yoooouuuuuge. Must be a Gravatar thing.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It’s definitely a gravatar thing.

Senor Weaselo

Jameis hit: “And it looks like there’ll be a penalty on the pla—haaah, got you thinking it was gonna happen for a second.”

Flacco slide: “Buck Showalter just fined Flacco $500 for that.”

King pony ride: “White people love Marquette King because he makes Wayne Brady look like Malcolm X.”

Kelce toss: “I see your flag for the flag god and raise you… towel for the—”
“HATS FOR THE HAT GOD!”

Spanky Datass
Spanky Datass

EJECTIONS FOR THE EJECTION GOD!

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

So here are the candidates for 4 judge slots, according to my Los Angeles County voter pamphlet. We have:

A Violent Crimes Prosecutor
A Gang Homicide Prosecutor
An Attorney at Law
A Child Molestation Prosecutor
A Criminal Fraud Prosecutor
A Supervising Criminal Prosecutor
A Violent Crimes Prosecutor
A Deputy Attorney General
A Brick Meathook, Esq.

I ONLY GET TO PICK FOUR

entropy

Can you pick a Brick Meathook, Esq four times?

Senor Weaselo

If you win, do you get one of those wigs? That’s really the only question that matters about the office.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

I joined the American Legion just for the hat.

LemonJello
LemonJello

What’s your position on Stanford swimmers?

JustStopDude
JustStopDude
LemonJello
LemonJello

So Weaver or Isosceles, then?

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

IT WAS SHAKESPEARE IN THE PARK

entropy

I just got an email from Pizza Hut offering me to pick my free side on my pizza today… do you think that means they’re offering elephant and/or donkey meat as a side, today only? And that can only improve their shitty product, right?

SonOfSpam

On the one hand, Pizza Hut does have shitty pizza.

On the other hand, you’re on their e-mail list.

On Randy Moss’s hand, there’s an aphrodisiac for Ellen DeGeneres.

LemonJello
LemonJello

God damn, that was brilliant.
http://i.imgur.com/b5qRWSk.gif

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Have you smelled Randy Moss’ fingers?

entropy

holy shit I just damn near choked on my beer. That was funny.

entropy
Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

comment image

LemonJello
LemonJello

What’s with all this Rex Ryan porn?

entropy

I like how even though you can’t see her face, you can tell she’s thinking, “Oh yes. America. Land of opportunity. Hoo. Fucking. Ray.”

SonOfSpam

“Yes, I’ll do the pistachio pudding rub, followed by the anal bleach-n-peel special.”

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

The anal bleach-n-peel is the best part

entropy

I realize I’m in the minority for requesting this, but please: no pictures.

LemonJello
LemonJello

#imwithentropy

entropy

If I were to use the twitter machine, I’d ask that people just put that with nothing else in their tweets

Spanky Datass
Spanky Datass
LemonJello
LemonJello
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

How much was the happy ending?

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

I’ll let you know in 20 minutes!

/actually 3 minutes

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

THREE MINUTES!?!?! WHAT ARE YOU? SOME KIND OF MARATHON MAN?!?!?

entropy

He got to go twice.

LemonJello
LemonJello

Twice? In the same day? What is he, some porn star?

entropy

I thought he was catching, not pitching….

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

Look at those gams on Brick Meathook!

CANNONS!

LemonJello
LemonJello

Approved.
comment image

entropy

Depending on the outcome of this election, there are a few things I want thrown onto the ballots for 2020:

1. I want the morning after pill diluted in all public drinking water (and a male equivalent of the pill developed IMMEDIATELY)
2. All dogs under 20 lbs should be immediately classified as rats (I have no real reason for this, I’m just still mad about that Pug fucking me up last year)
3. All polling locations should immediately be moved from schools and other such public buildings and placed in bars. I expect record turnout after such a move.
4. More skin on HBO. Shoot the lawyers. This is LH Puttgrass signing off, and heading for the tub.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

You were PUG-FUCKED.

entropy

I was. I well and truly was.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

I voted at an Exxon gas station.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

I haven’t smoked pot in years, but I have a few choice medicinal buds in the freezer, for company. I was no stranger to the bong in high school, so I’m voting YES on California Prop 64, legalizing pot in The Golden State, I think.

SonOfSpam

Do you mean the weed in your freezer is for when you have company come over, or that the weed in your freezer is the only thing in your life that keeps you company?

Either way is fine, honestly.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

Should I vote YES or NO on California Prop 60 requireing adult film actors to wear condoms? I dunno.

In my twenty years of living in SoCal, I’ve also seen Gary Coleman, a porn star, and The Terminator on the ballot, so this doesn’t surprise me. I’m waiting to vote for Abraham Lincoln’s ghost.

I’m getting a deluxe pedicure right now. I love California!

LemonJello
LemonJello

California voting booths sound so much nicer than North Carolina ones!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

NOT a Californian here, but a lot of my friends out there are voting NO for the earnest reason of wanting the porn revenue not to flee the state.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

BAAAAAAAAAAAAREBACK IT!!

LemonJello
LemonJello

Abe Lincoln’s ghost better be on the Illinois ballot before any other – he needs to un-fuck his home state and it’s glorious record of governors.

SonOfSpam

Apparently, one of the “no” arguments is that under this law, married couples who produce internet cuntent (hey that’s like a Mr Skin joke) would have to use condoms. (Um, I don’t do that or anything, so feel free to fap to that stuff without fear of encountering a Commentist)

I voted no, but then I really like the rhythmic slapping sounds you just don’t get when the old coach is wearing a rubber.

LemonJello
LemonJello
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Now I have a bunch of porn moved to my “cemmentists getting PUG-FUCKED” folder.

entropy

FOXNews.com has an article giving us the answer to the really important questions: Who won Kirstie Alley’s vote?!

LemonJello
LemonJello
SonOfSpam

I would assume “cake”

LemonJello
LemonJello

We also would have accepted “Food” as the correct response.

entropy

Oooo, sorry, the answer was “Little Debbie.”

“Yes, Little Debbie. No points awarded.”

Bloody Lethal
Bloody Lethal

http://i2.wp.com/i.giphy.com/om4Cwp94vgEjm.gif?resize=480%2C270

The ugliest part of this play is Carson Wentz’s stats on the bottomline, and that’s saying something.

entropy

Anyone who thinks today is going to be the end of this whole fucking mess of a campaign season, you are wrong:

http://cnn.it/2fBxjFI

LemonJello
LemonJello
entropy

Beer and pretzels are an appropriate Election Day lunch, right?

LemonJello
LemonJello
entropy

Someday you will have to speak at my wake and explain why no one ever said, “Maybe not, entropy. Maybe not.”

LemonJello
LemonJello
entropy

True, but I’ll be dead and it won’t so much to me.

Trevor Semen
Trevor Semen

I decided to heed to Fozz’s advice and now I’m fucking plastered in the middle of a school day. You don’t want to know how many times I pressed delete while writing this.

entropy

I never drank in high school, but I think being somewhat deranged probably made up for it. Just forget that whole “you can’t smell vodka” bullshit and keep some kind of breath mint on hand.

Trevor Semen
Trevor Semen

No one will know because I’m still smarter than everyone while I’m fucked up. Not bragging, just being honest.

Trevor Semen
Trevor Semen

God I sounded like an asshole there. But it’s true, I try to justify why someone else might be smarter than me (out of everyone in my grade) but I really can’t.

entropy

It’s all good, you sounded just fine.

(I’m pretty sure internet Dad added the math test to the login so we’d stop being so insufferably elitist around here)

Trevor Semen
Trevor Semen

I had a hard time with that yesterday for the same reason I’d have a hard tiem with it now

LemonJello
LemonJello

“Teenage asshole? Sign me up!”

-J. Sandusky

Trevor Semen
Trevor Semen

He’s only into kids 12 and under.

Don T

Yeah, I’ve gone the I AM BETTER THAN YOU route while drunk. During AND after falling on my ass.

Trevor Semen
Trevor Semen

Oh no, it’s not a drunk thing. The drunkeness is just what’s making me say it, as it is something I’d say while sober to someone who actually knew me.

Senor Weaselo

According to a friend who was an alcoholic in his youth, chocolate works better.

Trevor Semen
Trevor Semen

My rationalization for doing this is that it’s an election day, so AMERICA and shit.

entropy

It’s why I opened my first beer at the crack of sparrowshit this morning.

(Just because you got a late start in life drinking alcohol, doesn’t mean you have to get a late start every day)

SonOfSpam

http://i2.wp.com/i.giphy.com/87Ju8Jrucb7kA.gif

“Yes, yes…THAT’S how I walk to the podium to accept victory tonight.”

– President-Elect Hillary Clinton

entropy

Raiders: “Rollin’, rollin’ rollin,’ keep them doggies rollin’, rawhide…..”

LemonJello
LemonJello

I first heard this in my head as Limp Bizkit’s “Rollin (Air Raid Vehicle)”

Now I want to punch myself in the face for referring to Limp Bizkit.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Kelce: And thus ended the fourteenth-least sexy strip-off that Kansas City has ever seen.

SonOfSpam

http://i1.wp.com/i.giphy.com/hpGThvO8eP2I8.gif

“Damn, I wish receivers were that sure-handed when I threw fish on crossing routes sixty-six in Flagstaff Arizona it’s kind of a dry heat had that scene in the coffee shop hey that omelette looks good on you though”

– Trent Green

SonOfSpam

http://i0.wp.com/i.giphy.com/NOAhmYbSlZTUI.gif

Kelce: (throws towel)
Back Judge: (throws hat)
Referee: (throws flag)
Andy Reid: (throws up breakfast ribs)

LemonJello
LemonJello

Please, Andy Reid would never throw up breakfast. Or lunch. Or dinner.

LemonJello
LemonJello

http://i0.wp.com/i.giphy.com/vcgsKPcF9cucg.gif

Jaguras Announcer: “And it looks like the Jaguars’ fortunes have…”
*thud of mic drop, feedback whine*
“Fuck this.”
*Press box door slams in background, silence*

http://img01.deviantart.net/56a9/i/2013/101/4/2/technical_difficulties_by_rosepurpuradelcairo-d619yi1.png

LemonJello
LemonJello

http://i1.wp.com/i.giphy.com/hpGThvO8eP2I8.gif

“I haven’t had my hand in something that smelled like this since*

\\cuts to test pattern

LemonJello
LemonJello

comment image

Redshirt

http://i0.wp.com/i.giphy.com/NOAhmYbSlZTUI.gif

“I’m Out of Order?! You’re Out of Order! You’re Out of Order! The whole game’s Out of Order!”

LemonJello
LemonJello

http://i2.wp.com/i.giphy.com/12QQWQT5ZwavQs.gif

“I knew having vanilla yogurt instead of my usual plain yogurt would throw my game off.”

nomonkeyfun

http://i2.wp.com/i.giphy.com/12QQWQT5ZwavQs.gif?resize=480%2C270

“Hey, do you think we could sign Tebow for a few days to teach this shithead how to slide?”
-Fozz

http://i2.wp.com/i.giphy.com/129PnATag34lna.gif?resize=480%2C270

Black flags matter, and are cool if you’re white.

nomonkeyfun

http://i2.wp.com/i.giphy.com/om4Cwp94vgEjm.gif?resize=480%2C270

Hey, fellas, could I get a block here. Oh, thanks Browns.

http://i1.wp.com/i.giphy.com/hpGThvO8eP2I8.gif?resize=480%2C480

“What’s the catch of the day?”
-Restaurant patron
“Here it is.”
-Moss

LemonJello
LemonJello
Enrico Pallazzo

In The United Saints of America, huge boobs always reign supreme.

LemonJello
LemonJello

http://i2.wp.com/i.giphy.com/129PnATag34lna.gif

*singing (off key, slightly mumbled)
“Senators, congressmen, puppets on a string
Among the windswept vagabonds Jim Tomsula was the king
The last of the hobo kings, the last of the hobo kings”

LemonJello
LemonJello

http://i2.wp.com/i.giphy.com/87Ju8Jrucb7kA.gif

“Aw, YEAH! Play that Gangnam Style! Get lit!”

LemonJello
LemonJello

http://i2.wp.com/i.giphy.com/om4Cwp94vgEjm.gif

Ol’DubbleJ: “I TOLD YOU, HE’S A GOTT-DAMNED STAR!”
Drone: “That’s still not Tony.”
Ol’DubbleJ: *looks up from motor-boatin’ two hookers* “YEEEEHHAAWWWW, I AM FUCKING CRAZY!!!11!!!”

LemonJello
LemonJello

http://i0.wp.com/i.giphy.com/NOAhmYbSlZTUI.gif
“Anything you can throw, I can throw better, I can throw anything better than you.”

Don T

http://i2.wp.com/i.giphy.com/129PnATag34lna.gif

Woman with flag: I’m Cuban, B!
Guy dancing: Yes! Cuban B.

King Hippo

I am now stuck trying to decide if I am too nervous about waiting for election results to watch Westworld. I know I can’t work today. Maybe try to read? WHY IS THERE NO TUESDAY MORNING FOOTBALL, COMMISSIONER GOODELL??

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

When I work out in an hour I will literally be watching the Raiders game in its entirety all over again.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

http://i1.wp.com/i.giphy.com/hpGThvO8eP2I8.gif?resize=480%2C480

Randy Moss is smiling because he always wanted to be known as a “Monday Night Countdown ‘personality'” rather than a Hall of Fame WR who pantomimed dropping his pants on national television.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

http://i2.wp.com/i.giphy.com/87Ju8Jrucb7kA.gif?resize=480%2C270

What are you doing, Happy, riding a bull? You’re acting like a damn fool!

King Hippo

#1 – That’s sad, he prolly don’t even remember that he’s a rapist no more ,, smh

#2 – Man, Tim Meadows is NOT aging well. OR GRACEFULLY.

#3 (as I said during Rivebrog) – THAT’S SO JAGURA(s)!! /funnier when Raven(s) do it

#4 – WHITE PPL! Do the humpty hump! Just keep on doin’ the hump!

#5 – Oh, I smell a Bob Costas lecture comin’ /cut to Tony Dungy giving maximum Skeletor glare

#6 – Great, now I will have the Benny Hill theme stuck in my head all day. FACK YOU, Blax.

#7 – Ah, sir, challenge YEW to a DEWWWWEL!!!!

#8 – In case anyone has forgotten, this is your weekly reminder that, yes indeed, Randy Moss is totes a redneck. He later cleaned and gutted that there sucker with just what he had in his pockets. That’s good eatin’ with some cornbread and greens.

Don T

Randall Gary Moss, Esq. is one of the best persons ever! I will not tolerate dissent.
Howevah, I wish he didn’t try to run over a meter violation… Person?
https://getyarn.io/yarn-clip/a63125af-ec67-43d4-9438-a5da22174876

LemonJello
LemonJello

I may not even try this week, these are all so good…

\sad trombone plays

BrettFavresColonoscopy
BrettFavresColonoscopy
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Jacksonville: If you know the name of the player hilariously ruining the interception for Prince Amakamura, press ONE.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Jameis Winston: “Well, someone has to stop him – he’s certainly not going to stop himself.”
– Falcons defensive coordinator OR Tallahassee SVU detective – YOU MAKE THE CALL!

Trevor Semen
Trevor Semen

Cowboys: There’s a “YEEEEHAAAAAW I AM FUCKING CRAZY” joke in here somewhere but I don’t feel like looking for it.

Trevor Semen
Trevor Semen

Saints fan: He was probably the most sober person in the frame.

Trevor Semen
Trevor Semen

Kelce: I half expected someone to pull a dildo out of their ass and throw it at the ref.