Your “Which Apocalypse Do I Choose?” Election Night Open Thread

Beerguyrob

Beerguyrob

A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
Beerguyrob

Note: I’m putting this together in bits, because I’ve been (voluntarily) seconded by the Ministry of Education for a couple of days to help them draft policy related to Adult & Alternative Education. Sorry if it’s a bit light and/or ranty.

NFL News:

Now these guys look competent.
Now these guys look competent.
  • It might only be Week 10, but I think we know which officiating crew won’t be working the playoffs this January.
  • Mike Zimmer admitted to trying out kickers on Monday.
    • Blair Walsh might need John Walsh’s help soon if he misses another field goal.
  • Chip Kelly reaffirmed Monday he has no interest in returning to college ball.
    • Meanwhile, at Arkansas, Bobby Petrino pours a nice merlot and reads his reviews…
  • Feeling untouchable again, Drew Brees took direct aim at NFL HQ for the reason behind declining ratings and popularity. Here’s the money quote:

“Listen, we as players want the best for this league. This league has so many great things to offer … and for a long time the fans were really enjoying it. And now it seems like that’s taken a hit. And it really feels like it’s been the culmination of the last few years and the way the business of football is being run in the front office. That’s the concerning part at this point for us.”

 


It’s Election Day! Finally, and thank God. This whole rant is written from the perspective of a Canadian wondering WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!

Before you start - not this.
Before you start – not this. The Canadian on his right agrees.

About 10 days ago, Horatio made a comment that “Hillary Clinton is the Cleveland Browns of politics. 2 yards from the end zone and she kicks the fucking ball through the back of the end zone.” I’m not wholly convinced of that, because I think her whole campaign has been trying to play prevent defence versus the ’07 Patriots. [Plus, the Weiner emails are just Plaxico shooting himself while wearing sweat pants.]

The level of Republican corruption in this election has been laughable, and on a par with most South Asian dictatorships. Voter suppression drives under the guise of ending voter fraud; limited early registration and advance polling; having to use courts to register eligible voters; political operatives in high positions (i.e. – head of the FBI) using legal technicalities to conduct investigations & sway voters; and, above all, a candidate constantly in second-place arguing his defeat invalidates the whole process, and millions believing him despite those same people saying Gore was a crybaby.

As a non-American, and a History/Poli Sci major, none of what I am watching makes any sense. Why she hasn’t run away with this is clearly a testament to her unlikeability. Sure, thanks to Nixon’s “Southern Strategy” she was never going to win places like Texas and Mississippi. But that she is having trouble in places like Wisconsin, Ohio & Pennslyvania boggle most non-American minds. Even Oregon is going to be tighter than most people probably expect.

I wouldn’t even argue it’s a double standard, because Elizabeth Warren doesn’t carry the same baggage. [BTW, I’m going to need someone, someday, to explain to me what the whole “Pocahontas” deal is between her and Trump.] She’s getting the grief that comes with being in public life for 30+ years, and having a partner that is Bill Clinton. Trump just appears to be Teflon because he’s been called it all before, but he’s Sebastian Shaw – the more you feed him, the stronger he gets.

Ronald Reagan once called the Soviet Union an “evil empire”, whereas Donald Trump talks about “[w]hat’s wrong with having Russia work with us, instead of always fighting, fighting?” People talk about how much America has changed in the last 30 years, and I’d agree. Having grown up in the Reagan era, those Republicans at least had standards – AIDS-denying, war-on-drugs, trickle-down economics standards, but standards. The people who evoke Reagan’s name these days must surely enjoy sharpening their knives on his spinning body.

Our current Prime Minister’s father once said,

“Living next to you is in some ways like sleeping with an elephant. No matter how friendly and even-tempered is the beast, if I can call it that, one is affected by every twitch and grunt.”

There’s a bunch of trade deals up for negotiation in 2017, and everyone up here is quite nervous about with whom we’ll be negotiating & hoping it’s not the guy who routinely welches on paying his debts. To be fair, it’s also hard working around the fact that the President can sign a deal but the junior Senator from Montana can kill it  because he feels his state gets hurt. (See the Canada – EU CETA deal Wallonia almost killed.)

Exit polls have been rolling in all day. First actual results (I assume) start coming in at 8:00 Eastern, and then it’s a rolling cavalcade until Hawaii finishes democracy off well-past 2:00 AM.

Anyway, all Hail God-Emperor ________, and their Glorious New Regime!

Thanks. It feels good to get that off my chest & outta my head. Please – carry on.

Let’s all spend this evening breaking down the chaos. The Electoral College should be settled by 9:00 Pacific, but some Senate races will go deep into the evening. I’m going to want updates on your state’s craziest Proposition/Amendment, especially the porn one in California.


If you need a suggestion for tonight’s alcohol, I recommend one of the 2017 Whisky Bible “Malts of the Year”, the Koval Four Grain Whisky from Chicago’s Koval Distillery.

Hey Dok – they do tours!

Boy howdy, do we need sports tonight.

Tonight’s sports:

TOO BAD! ELECTION RESULTS OR NOTHING, MOTHERFUCKERS!!

Seriously, all the US national cable sports networks have nothing live scheduled.

  • ESPN is just doing Sportscenter or showing old college basketball
    • some schedules are showing ESPN2 having Western Michigan at Kent State at 7:30 ET, so pray for this
  • FS1 is showing its “Cancel Your Package” package of:
    • TMZ Sports
    • Speak for Yourself With Cowherd and Whitlock
    • Skip and Shannon: Undisputed
  • NBCSN is showing old World Series of Fighting episodes
  • USA has Smackdown!, the only live national event of the night.

There’s regional hockey & hoops action, but nothing we can enjoy together, unless you have NBA TV.

In Canada, even the goddamned NHL is in “regional broadcast only” mode, but at least we get

  • NBA:
    • 7:00 – Hawks vs. Cavs | Sportsnet1
    • 8:00 – Nuggets vs. Grizzlies | TSN
    • 10:30 – Mavericks vs. Lakers | TSN
    • 10:30 – Pelicans vs. Kings | Sportsnet1

Good luck following the results. Please be civil if discussing topics that divide. We are a dick-joke blog, not Stormfront or Jezebel.

In that vein, from me & Nic to all of you:

Beerguyrob
Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.

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Gratliff
Member

Oh shut up, TV. I called W. Virginia for Trump the second he won the primary.

King Hippo
Member

TOO EARLY TO CALL IN NC!!!!! FUCK YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Spur
Member
Spur

I thought NC was a solid Dem state this cycle?

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Not according the assholes on my road.
smgdh

Spur
Member
Spur

Best channel to watch this on?

Duchess
Member

pick your circle jerk MSNBC or Fox while you will just be the soggy biscuit on CNN

Spur
Member
Spur

Folks.

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

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King Hippo
Member

North Cakalaky FOAR HillyBob. You have TEH HIPPO GUARANTEE

Jerry Was A Shogun Named Marcus
Member

My wife so hopes your guarantee is valid. She is also riddled with anxiety. Can’t blame her, her first real show was 2000.

WCS
Member

Same for Pennsyltucky. The big thing here is getting Pat Toomey out of the Senate.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Is he related to Eugene Toomey?
Wooo!!!!! Obscure Xfiles references, ftw!!!!!!!

entropy
Member

God he’s a moron.

Duchess
Member

This season finally sucks. The flawed hero is unrelatable and the Villain is just a huge ball of cliches.

WCS
Member

Yeah, I hated this election cycle, too.

Croooow
Member
Croooow

Proud to have voted today.

WCS
Member

Within a year, Rudy Guiliani will be saying the only way to be a REEL MURICKAN was to be literally be at Ground Zero on 9/11.

litre_cola
Member

I reckon I am going to the bar in this ass backwards town hopefully Ice Football is on as I am pretty close to Ice Eskimos territory and they play ice Stillers. How early do you folk call a winner? Here it’s usually before us westerners vote.

Col. Duke LaCross
Member

Unless it’s a wipeout, maybe next week.

King Hippo
Member

get this goddamned asshole off MSNBC so I can quit watching PBS dreck

Col. Duke LaCross
Member

Great, MSNBC let Nosferatu on the show. Where’s Renfield?

Beastmode Ate My Baby
Member

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LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

The Dunge is on MSNBC????

Col. Duke LaCross
Member

I might be wrong, but he might be more of a Blaze kinda guy.

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

So, for the best entertainment value, which coverage of this shitshow do I watch?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

I kind of want to go with Fox News to see another Rovian meltdown, but they’re not in the tank for Trump to the same degree so it probably isn’t worth it.

Beastmode Ate My Baby
Member

Well, Giuliani is trying to deny Trump is kick-starting a white nationalist movement on MSNBC….

Col. Duke LaCross
Member

What a creep!

litre_cola
Member

Toddlers and Tiaras.

Gratliff
Member

Wolf Blitzer is fucking terrible

WCS
Member

CNN is fucking terrible. FIFY.

King Hippo
Member

per MSNBC, GA is closer than VA. YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cuntler
Member

LA Times is shading everything red that hasn’t been called yet. They are trying to legitimize their terrible poll. Sad!

Beastmode Ate My Baby
Member

Surprising. If HRC takes Georgia, then Trump’s done early.

litre_cola
Member

Well done beer guy. I have watched this in amazement. Had the republicans run anyone other that drumpf they would have trumped Hillary. Hell my pug has better campaign platforms than Donald. Who doesn’t like running through leave with rewards of bananas and the occasional piece of bacon. I do find that a 2 party system is a shortcoming in this instance. As a centrist (pick a side!) I would be forced to vote for HillRod as I could not watch the world burn before my eyes.

Beastmode Ate My Baby
Member

From the GOPers that were actually running? Any of them would have had a tough run against HRC, since they were a baker’s dozen of demented, insane, ignorant assholes.

JustStopDude
Member
WCS
Member

Christ.

Trevor Semen
Member
Trevor Semen

I feel great rn. Like really fucking good.

entropy
Member

Found the vicodin, did you?

Trevor Semen
Member
Trevor Semen

Nope, just vodka and wine

entropy
Member

Last Friday, some of my female friends began the party for HillyBob a little early by playing a song called, I believe, “Girls Rule the World.” If HillyBob DOES win, I will have to hear this tonight after the results are in… it is not a good song.

Trevor Semen
Member
Trevor Semen

Was it a Beyonce song?

herodotus450
Member
herodotus450

So you’re looking for alternatives?

King Hippo
Member

we are BAAAAAAACCCCKKKKKK

FACK YOU, RUSSIA!!!!!

Trevor Semen
Member
Trevor Semen

scotchnaut
Member

Woulda sworn it was those damn Estonians!

scotchnaut
Member

If you don’t hear from me again it’s because I’m about to dive into the squirrelly morass that is Facebook.

/wish me luck

Brick Meathook
Member
Brick Meathook

Brick Meathook today:

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JustStopDude
Member
JustStopDude

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nomonkeyfun
Member

Christ, the NY Times is already posting results for New Hampshire. With 61 votes in Trump is leading by 7.

scotchnaut
Member

Well, it *is* 19 minutes past six…

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

Leaving the office shortly, quick stop for the vital supplies (pizza and booze, I’ve got enough guns-n-ammo already) then I barricade myself in Fort Slapdick and watch the world burn with you fuckers!

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

Apropos of nothing, here’s some Luscious Jackson:

entropy
Member

Hah! I just played this myself like a week ago, I miss this band.

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

Ok, just did a quick workout on the treadmill that, since I’m a fat ass, still nearly killed me. On the bright side, I’ve earned [checks fitbit app] shit, I barely burned off more than the beer I’ve already had. Eh, fuck it.

/cracks open another beer

scotchnaut
Member

My stupid dog pees on my treadmill. (the actual tread, not the mill) It’s not in a place where I can close a door or anything.

/stupid dog

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

See my comment below.

nomonkeyfun
Member

Trump’s campaign has set up a cash bar, and it is cash only, at the election night black out party.

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LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

“Black out party” probably means something different for the Trump Camp.

litre_cola
Member

Chip Kelly is steering clear of that one.

entropy
Member

$7 for a soft drink?! Jesus fuck, Donald.

Cuntler
Member

Why isn’t it at a Trump property?

nomonkeyfun
Member

He didn’t build the party rooms yuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge enough. According to WaPo, the largest venue in his city properties only holds 400 people.

Meanwhile Hil’s will be at the Javits Center. You know where they host comicon.

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

None of the sports arena’s were available?

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

Couldn’t afford the reservation fee?

King Hippo
Member

Trump’s camp is deep into loserspeak already. HillyBob done gon’ kick his ass and but GOOD.

Also, BREESUS CHRIST FOAR COMMISH.

nomonkeyfun
Member

The good news to me today, assuming we don’t wake up to President 5 children by 3 wives, is that my 9 month old niece went to cast her first vote with my sister this morning.

Cuntler
Member

I have decided to go to the Avs v. Coyotes game tonight with my eldest son to avoid television. It’s that bad.

Senor Weaselo
Member

I wanted to see if there were cheap tix for Rangers-Canucks. There weren’t and one of my friends has to teach anyway.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

They should do a remake of Gaslight starring Jason Miller as the villain.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

He actually claimed that people were drawn to Trump’s campaign because of “the positivity”.

entropy
Member

Well, to be fair, he’s positively an asshole, so that may count?

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

Ooooh, a John Walsh joke, me likey

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nomonkeyfun
Member

That is insulting.
From Wikipedia, (I know, I know)

A 2008 study of two orangutans at the Leipzig Zoo showed orangutans can use “calculated reciprocity”, which involves weighing the costs and benefits of gift exchanges and keeping track of these over time.

entropy
Member

I will apologize to the next orangutan I see.

nomonkeyfun
Member

Meant to be a reply to Entropy.

Cuntler
Member

Clinton is going to win by a lot. It’s really simple.

https://twitter.com/unsmokabIe/status/795863607615619072?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw

Cuntler
Member

Whenever I hear someone say “I don’t know who is worse . . . ” I think they should be punched in the face by Fozz. It is fucking obvious. And to the Bernie bros, change is gradual. The secret is not going backwards and voting for Cheeto George Wallace. Fuck, people are stupid.

nomonkeyfun
Member

I love the line “Cheeto George Wallace”, but it is almost an insult to compare the two cretins.
When Wallace ran in ’68, he was 50, and had grown up in Jim Crow south. By the late 70’s, at the same age that Trump was saying he liked to grab ’em by the pussy, Wallace was apologizing for his anti-segregation stances and actually appointed two black people to his cabinet as Governor.

entropy
Member

During Primary Season, I actually heard two younger kids say, “Trump can’t be racist, he’s had black people on his TV shows.”

entropy
Member

Clark County, NV has rejected Trump’s early lawsuit regarding voting irregularities. So, that’s one loss early for the shaved orangutan.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

He contempt for Trump’s lawyer was delicious.

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