Your “Which Apocalypse Do I Choose?” Election Night Open Thread

Beerguyrob

Beerguyrob

A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
Beerguyrob

Note: I’m putting this together in bits, because I’ve been (voluntarily) seconded by the Ministry of Education for a couple of days to help them draft policy related to Adult & Alternative Education. Sorry if it’s a bit light and/or ranty.

NFL News:

Now these guys look competent.
Now these guys look competent.
  • It might only be Week 10, but I think we know which officiating crew won’t be working the playoffs this January.
  • Mike Zimmer admitted to trying out kickers on Monday.
    • Blair Walsh might need John Walsh’s help soon if he misses another field goal.
  • Chip Kelly reaffirmed Monday he has no interest in returning to college ball.
    • Meanwhile, at Arkansas, Bobby Petrino pours a nice merlot and reads his reviews…
  • Feeling untouchable again, Drew Brees took direct aim at NFL HQ for the reason behind declining ratings and popularity. Here’s the money quote:

“Listen, we as players want the best for this league. This league has so many great things to offer … and for a long time the fans were really enjoying it. And now it seems like that’s taken a hit. And it really feels like it’s been the culmination of the last few years and the way the business of football is being run in the front office. That’s the concerning part at this point for us.”

 


It’s Election Day! Finally, and thank God. This whole rant is written from the perspective of a Canadian wondering WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!

Before you start - not this.
Before you start – not this. The Canadian on his right agrees.

About 10 days ago, Horatio made a comment that “Hillary Clinton is the Cleveland Browns of politics. 2 yards from the end zone and she kicks the fucking ball through the back of the end zone.” I’m not wholly convinced of that, because I think her whole campaign has been trying to play prevent defence versus the ’07 Patriots. [Plus, the Weiner emails are just Plaxico shooting himself while wearing sweat pants.]

The level of Republican corruption in this election has been laughable, and on a par with most South Asian dictatorships. Voter suppression drives under the guise of ending voter fraud; limited early registration and advance polling; having to use courts to register eligible voters; political operatives in high positions (i.e. – head of the FBI) using legal technicalities to conduct investigations & sway voters; and, above all, a candidate constantly in second-place arguing his defeat invalidates the whole process, and millions believing him despite those same people saying Gore was a crybaby.

As a non-American, and a History/Poli Sci major, none of what I am watching makes any sense. Why she hasn’t run away with this is clearly a testament to her unlikeability. Sure, thanks to Nixon’s “Southern Strategy” she was never going to win places like Texas and Mississippi. But that she is having trouble in places like Wisconsin, Ohio & Pennslyvania boggle most non-American minds. Even Oregon is going to be tighter than most people probably expect.

I wouldn’t even argue it’s a double standard, because Elizabeth Warren doesn’t carry the same baggage. [BTW, I’m going to need someone, someday, to explain to me what the whole “Pocahontas” deal is between her and Trump.] She’s getting the grief that comes with being in public life for 30+ years, and having a partner that is Bill Clinton. Trump just appears to be Teflon because he’s been called it all before, but he’s Sebastian Shaw – the more you feed him, the stronger he gets.

Ronald Reagan once called the Soviet Union an “evil empire”, whereas Donald Trump talks about “[w]hat’s wrong with having Russia work with us, instead of always fighting, fighting?” People talk about how much America has changed in the last 30 years, and I’d agree. Having grown up in the Reagan era, those Republicans at least had standards – AIDS-denying, war-on-drugs, trickle-down economics standards, but standards. The people who evoke Reagan’s name these days must surely enjoy sharpening their knives on his spinning body.

Our current Prime Minister’s father once said,

“Living next to you is in some ways like sleeping with an elephant. No matter how friendly and even-tempered is the beast, if I can call it that, one is affected by every twitch and grunt.”

There’s a bunch of trade deals up for negotiation in 2017, and everyone up here is quite nervous about with whom we’ll be negotiating & hoping it’s not the guy who routinely welches on paying his debts. To be fair, it’s also hard working around the fact that the President can sign a deal but the junior Senator from Montana can kill it  because he feels his state gets hurt. (See the Canada – EU CETA deal Wallonia almost killed.)

Exit polls have been rolling in all day. First actual results (I assume) start coming in at 8:00 Eastern, and then it’s a rolling cavalcade until Hawaii finishes democracy off well-past 2:00 AM.

Anyway, all Hail God-Emperor ________, and their Glorious New Regime!

Thanks. It feels good to get that off my chest & outta my head. Please – carry on.

Let’s all spend this evening breaking down the chaos. The Electoral College should be settled by 9:00 Pacific, but some Senate races will go deep into the evening. I’m going to want updates on your state’s craziest Proposition/Amendment, especially the porn one in California.


If you need a suggestion for tonight’s alcohol, I recommend one of the 2017 Whisky Bible “Malts of the Year”, the Koval Four Grain Whisky from Chicago’s Koval Distillery.

Hey Dok – they do tours!

Boy howdy, do we need sports tonight.

Tonight’s sports:

TOO BAD! ELECTION RESULTS OR NOTHING, MOTHERFUCKERS!!

Seriously, all the US national cable sports networks have nothing live scheduled.

  • ESPN is just doing Sportscenter or showing old college basketball
    • some schedules are showing ESPN2 having Western Michigan at Kent State at 7:30 ET, so pray for this
  • FS1 is showing its “Cancel Your Package” package of:
    • TMZ Sports
    • Speak for Yourself With Cowherd and Whitlock
    • Skip and Shannon: Undisputed
  • NBCSN is showing old World Series of Fighting episodes
  • USA has Smackdown!, the only live national event of the night.

There’s regional hockey & hoops action, but nothing we can enjoy together, unless you have NBA TV.

In Canada, even the goddamned NHL is in “regional broadcast only” mode, but at least we get

  • NBA:
    • 7:00 – Hawks vs. Cavs | Sportsnet1
    • 8:00 – Nuggets vs. Grizzlies | TSN
    • 10:30 – Mavericks vs. Lakers | TSN
    • 10:30 – Pelicans vs. Kings | Sportsnet1

Good luck following the results. Please be civil if discussing topics that divide. We are a dick-joke blog, not Stormfront or Jezebel.

In that vein, from me & Nic to all of you:

Beerguyrob
Beerguyrob

A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.

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Sharkbait
Member
Sharkbait

Trump wins last night and this morning my company gets bought. What is going on?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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ThursdaySkyGoddess
Member
ThursdaySkyGoddess

I had to come here first to find out what happened. I haven’t turned or clicked on anything that could be news related (watching cartoons on the DVR).

http://49.media.tumblr.com/5fd58dcfb9e13ff8b32500f5e0f06a39/tumblr_nvefc3aCry1sis7hho6_250.gif

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!
Member
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!

At least Joe Arpaio lost his election.

JustStopDude
Member
JustStopDude

Trump has him slated to take over the FBI.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!
Member
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!

Oooh pink walls everywhere.

JustStopDude
Member
JustStopDude

Drank a bottle of rum straight and passed out around 10pm. Stumbled awake to piss still drunk…check the time on my phone and see my twitter feed.

This for real?!? I literally went from stinking drunk to stinking sober. Is this fucking for real!?!?

I’m going to lose my goddamn job if this clown does half the stupid shit he claims he wants to do in the 100 days.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!
Member
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!

I had every intention of voting third party since both candidates were announced, first I kept hearing, “Your vote is a vote for Hillary” and now the tone is, “Fuck you, you got Trump elected.”

Both sides can eat shit as far as I am concerned. I’m just glad this is over.

Brocky
Member

someone kill him. and pence.

does someone have a death note

JerBear50
Member
JerBear50

It’s 430 here and I’m starting to get a little anxious. I mean, at some point they’re gonna both laugh and admit they’ve just been fucking with us and introduce the real candidates, right? They’re really staying committed to the bit so I guess I gotta give them credit for that.

Senor Weaselo
Member

Hooray for a boy from Qu… no, I can’t even make that joke. What joke, it’s not funny, it’s real.

blackroseMD1
Member
blackroseMD1

Wait.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…

is it too late to ask for GW Bush back?

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
Member

Just in case someone didn’t post this earlier:

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Porky Prime
Member
Porky Prime

Before you lose faith my friends, remember that this is still the United States of America, where even the lowly son of a millionaire slumlord can someday become the President.

WCS
Member

Hurray?

Croooow
Member
Croooow

Hillary has conceded.

WCS
Member

Clinton phones Drumpf to concede. Welcome to the Darkest Timeline.

JerBear50
Member
JerBear50

Anyone watch the Stanhope/Rogan/Burr live podcast tonight, and if so, do you know of an audio stream? Can’t do video here at work.

Porky Prime
Member
Porky Prime

2016, everyone.

Brocky
Member

my stomach is upset.

Croooow
Member
Croooow

I don’t know why I’m watching this to the bitter end.

Brocky
Member

because you’re hoping he dies somehow. admit it.

Senor Weaselo
Member

I shut off the TV. I can’t.

The Maestro
Member

I can’t believe I’m still awake for this bullshit.

The world is ending, and I can’t look away.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Hillary’s man gives the “Don’t Give up, Don’t Ever Give up” speech.
That didn’t work out too well for the last guy that tried it.
Sorry JTV.

I’m out.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

This Niedermyer fucker on CNN is pissing me off.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

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Gratliff
Member

The whole thing was so fucking automatic from the moment she announced she was running. It’s been an amazing parade of fuck ups from her top people for the past year or so.

The Maestro
Member

Podesta is fucking shameless. What a dumbass.

blackroseMD1
Member
blackroseMD1

Well…fuck. I thought that we as a country were full on moving forward. Now…

Gratliff
Member

Podesta, you dumb motherfucker

Porky Prime
Member
Porky Prime

THESE AMERICAN VOTERS, I CALL THEM…I CALL THEM…sorry. No. I can’t. I got…I got nothing. I’ll be curled up in the shower listening to Edith Piaf.

Gratliff
Member

Can I call them cunts? I’m gonna call them cunts.

JerBear50
Member
JerBear50

Well, at least we can take comfort in knowing that we’ve finally learned our lesson. After the dust settles we’ll finally have a frank and nuanced look into how we’ve ended up here. The next election will have candidates ready to break away from party lines and the old way of doing things and really try to heal and grow as a nation.

Or we’ll spend four years shouting, “Nuh uh, YOUR’E THE RACIST!!!” back and forth at each other and trot out a shitty DLC-selected candidate.

Senor Weaselo
Member

I’m leaning the latter.

blaxabbath
Member

I hope the GOP in Congress decides to go all small government and just shut down any agency Trump tries to use as a personal hitman.

blaxabbath
Member

So is tonight proof that the US doesn’t need a constitutional amendment addressing Citizens United?

nomonkeyfun
Member

Final query before I go dark(metaphorically) for the evening.
When do the Russian hackers and Wikileaks start releasing his shit?
You know like tax returns.
And holy shit, the IRS is now in the middle of an audit on the new boss.(Awkward)

yeah right
Member

As mentioned before, we are in for a golden era of hardcore industrial music.

And legal pot.

This shit ain’t lasting past 4 years. I can do 4 years standing on my fuckin’ head!

nomonkeyfun
Member

With your knees it’s better than standing on your feet.

blaxabbath
Member

This has been a long night. I’m gonna get ready to turn down. Feeling a little like Low Energy Jeb after all this.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Hey, at least Maricopa County finally voted Arpaio out.
That’s small consolation, since it took 2 decades and it happened after I left. But still.

Fuck that guy.

JerBear50
Member
JerBear50

Camera-whoring piece of garbage.

blaxabbath
Member

He’s gonna lead the CIA under Trump.

nomonkeyfun
Member

How long will Grayson Carter stay free?
I give Trump months before he starts pulling that Erdpgan shit

Senor Weaselo
Member

Beethoven’s Third Symphony, “Eroica,” was originally named for Napoleon until he named himself Emperor, and then he crossed out the dedication until it tore a hole in the page, changing it to “To the memory of a great man.” To the memory of a great country?

yeah right
Member

That’s fucking beautiful.

ALXMAC
Member
LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

Is that a Fox affiliate?

Croooow
Member
Croooow

NBC is already talking about Clinton in past tense. Yup…

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