Your “Can I Have Some Sweet, Sweet Release?” Sunday Afternoon NFL Football Open Thread

Oh hello there folks. Have you been weighed down by the Bottomless Shitfire of the last few days, weeks or months? Yeah, myself as well. I sure could go for a distraction right about now. Are you up for it, NFL? You see, despite what your marketing department tried to convey to me, I never thought that you were some sort of “lifestyle” or “family” or even that you *really* cared about women’s health issues or people that chose to serve in the military. That stuff plays well to the ad guys and is a “safe space”. No, your institution is a distraction, a vehicle by which myself and my brethren here on this site and in countless other places on-line and off can forget about other things for a while. What say you, NFL-are you up for it? I hope you are…. TO THE GAMES!

GB/Ten-Two teams with talent that are Yertle The Turtle-ing their way thru the sked. This one should end up with qb’s Rodgers and Mariota flinging the ball because neither can get its running game going for differing reasons. Advantage: Rodgers.

Min/Was-Streak-happy Minny will try to put up a W once again after losing 3 straight. Despite those losses they only give up a paltry 15.8 points per game on average-that’s #1 in the league. Lt Williams of the Redacteds, one of the best, is lost for 4 games due to the old “banned substances” thing. Qb Cousins was the player that benefited most from Williams’ play and now he’ll have to do without. He might be okay though-he’s on a pace to throw for over 4,900 yds. which would blast the record that he set last year of 4,166.

Chi/TB-The Bears ambushed the Vikes just before their bye week for their second win and are beginning to get healthy-they’ll now get starting guards Sitton and Long back in the mix. Tampa finally has rb Martin back at practice though it’s not clear if he’s ready to go. Nice timing on his part as the Bucs only have James and rb Barber to run with the ball. No such concerns for the Bears-rook rb Howard is playing lights-out. Something has to break here-Chicago has yet to win on the road and Tampa doesn’t have a home win yet. So…a tie?

KC/Car-The 6-2 Chiefs quietly continue along their “best team no one talks about/takes seriously” path. Qb Smith keeps doing his thing, rb Ware steps into Charles’ huge shoes and discovers they fit fine and te Kelce maintains his ascent up the te rankings towards second-best in the league. (Although his opposite number in this game might say something about that) The Panthers have cobbled together two straight wins including an ugly-as-hell 13-10 snoozer vs. the Rams last week.

Atl/Phi-The Falcons “Balls-To-The-Wall” O keeps rolling along. No matter if they win or lose they’re going to score at least 20, more likely 30, or even 40 points as Tampa found out last week. I’d say that qb Ryan should grab 2nd place in mid-season MVP honours behind Brady. The Eagles blasted out of the gate in surprising style but in 4 of their last 5 have re-discovered their inner-Phillyness.

LA/NYJ-“JUST START GOFF AND PETTY AND GET IT OVER WITH!”-The Gods of Bleerg

Den/NO-Denver and its care-taker qb lead the league in 3-and-outs. I think that might put a wee bit more pressure on Denver’s Talib-less secondary but they should be up to it. Brees will counter with his strategy of too many Cooks, Sneads and Thomaii. (?) It’s the run D that has some Broncs fans a bit worried-they rank 14th and gave up 5.1 to the Raiders last week. Luckily for them, the Saints can only counter with the ever-disappointing Mark Ingram.

Hou/Jax-The Texicans are looking for their first road win and outside of Cleveland, Jacksonville looks like the best place to find one. Not earn, “find”. One tends to think of the defensive side of the field when Houston is mentioned but their turnover stats are atrocious. They’ve but 6 to date this year. That averages out to just under “Jesus Christ-That’s Pathetic!” per game. The only team with less (5) is the Jags. If you need him, wr Hurns has passed his concussion test.

There you have it-a bunch of wee tidbits that serve as an excuse to talk about football. (Man, am I ever cynical today!) NOW, GO GET ‘EM, GO-GETTERS!!!

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Gratliff

Now Eagles fans get to see what the 2000-2004 Eagles would have looked like without a ridiculously good QB.

Doktor Zymm

Go Chiefs!

Gratliff

Well, I was digging at the Eagles receiving corps. However, Alex Smith.

...

/turns on Bears game to see fumble and resulting touchdown

Oh good. Still no reason to have hope about anything.

Gratliff

At least it’s not a Bing Crosby son.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

The same people defending Trevor over Paxton are clamoring for Goff over Keenum. The answer for all of them SHOULD BE the Sex Cannon.

Doktor Zymm

Tiptoe, through the tulips, to the endzone, with me

Spur

His strides are smaller than average; Sproles actually caught the ball and took 5-6 steps before the defender even initiated contact.

entropy

I don’t need to know who’s coming on the Visa Halftime.

Gratliff

Holy shit. Matt Bryant missed a FG against Philly. This is the same motherfucker that beat them with a 63 yarder with no time left on the clock.

litre_cola

You don’t see me complaining Grat.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Cam Newton is treating my fantasy team like mumps vs Cutler’s children

Bortleback

is President Trump going to announce a government program to inoculate children against Cam Newton-ism?

entropy

Bilal Powell really doesn’t get enough credit.

Doktor Zymm

It might be cause his name is ‘Bilal’

BrettFavresColonoscopy

“This Philadelphia defense, they compact like a trash compactor”

Dear Lord, THIS is why we make fun of NFL announcers and then cry.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

I would pay legitimate money to watch various sporting events, with only the crowd noise and PA announcer. How are these TV execs not taking advantage of that?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Did you ever watch tape of the MNF broadcast where they did that? It was incredible.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

No, but I remember watching a local Giants baseball game in college, where there was an error and the entire game was without the booth crew. It actually made an otherwise boring baseball game very fun to watch.

Doktor Zymm

It would be a savings on salary as well. I think it’s for people who don’t know/care about football. Although there’s better ways to keep those people entertained as well.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

I’m sure that’s it. But I’d really love that option.

Yes, CBS, I will pay you $50 a year to never have to hear a word out of PHEEEEL.

Gratliff

That’s an extremely poor attempt at a Grudenism, even for this comments section.

Gratliff

Welp.

Gratliff

I live in Michigan and don’t give a fuck about the Lions, but I have a considerable disdain for all the Packers frontrunner fucks around here. It’ll be fun watching them be sad with their Honolulu blue brethren.

Spur

Falcons, I would appreciate it if you would play some defense

Gratliff

Let’s not get greedy.

litre_cola

No. Just no.

Doktor Zymm

Fat Rob has a backpack that says Fat Rob on it! Hooray for player facts that don’t involve domestic violence! Is Alfred Morris still driving a beater? INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW.

entropy

Jalen Marshall employing the seldom-used “return the punt backward” strategy.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Of course the one time I go to a casino and place a bunch of over bets, offense is slow everywhere other than Tennessee

Doktor Zymm

I’m really obnoxiously proud of myself for drafting DeMarco Murray this year.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Eh, I think you’ve earned it. Shows what the fuck I know about fantasy football, cause I thought he was done.

Doktor Zymm

My NFC East bias was helpful on this one. He basically got a year off under Chip Kelly. That wasn’t him sucking, that was the Eagles sucking.

Doktor Zymm

What will they say tomorrow on some sports show? Something I don’t give two medium sized shits about.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

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Doktor Zymm

I would totally go to a stadium in the no man’s land between borders. That’s like international waters! Everyone smoke your shit before going back into a country!

Doktor Zymm

“NFL Execs eyeing changes to marijuana policy, vision impaired by glaucoma”

Bortleback

Is Jerry Jones buying a medicinal marijuana company or something?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

THIS REDZONE I CALL IT ADHD BECAUSE IT KEEPS ME ON MY TOES AND–SQUIRREL!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Hang in there, Jay.

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Gratliff

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fleshwound_NPG

Jay Culter, so far today

2 INTs (1 for TD)
1 Fumble lost (on opponent’s 5 yard line)

ThursdaySkyGoddess

CATLERFUMBRE!

fleshwound_NPG

When did the NFC North become the new AFC South

Claymaker

First Quarter Yardage:

TEN – 231
GB – 26

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Is Cutler drunk?

entropy

I’m pretty sure every Jets defensive lineman got to Keenum there.

Lord Joe Don Looney

Holy shit. When did Revis Island become an expressway?

fleshwound_NPG

holy shit Catty nearly got picked a 3rd time

Doktor Zymm

So, did it just take the Vikings a few games to realize how shitty they should be with all the injuries?

entropy

Revis is no longer a number one corner. He’s getting torched worse than Gosling in Remember the Titans.

ThursdaySkyGoddess
Gratliff

Can they seriously not do better than Blake Bortles?

Claymaker

So how many Packers coaches are going to be allowed on the plane on the way home? Will they all be fired at halftime?

entropy

ANOTHER MISSED FUCKING EXTRA POINT?! Shoot the fucking kicker.

entropy

Trickeration gets the Jets in the end zone.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Looks like an interceptionkakke in Chicago from casual online tracking.

fleshwound_NPG

CHI/TB is interceptionkkake

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Ha

entropy

Big run by Forte there…. hard to get excited, though, since it’s the fuckin Rams.

entropy

Petty looks… competent? I am now waiting for him to implode.

Gratliff

Goddamn it, Caleb.

Gratliff

These Falcons are 6-3? Really?

Doktor Zymm

What are the odds on both NFC wildcard teams being NFC East?

Doktor Zymm

Huh, did DeMarco Murray just pass to someone, or did I read that wrong?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I don’t understand how that play was supposed to work when it is run perfectly. Allow someone to run free at your QB and roll every single other player to the other side of the field. Have your QB do a play fake with the pass rusher coming then try to throw over him while the guy is in coverage

Gratliff

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You know, he voted for Jill Stein, right?

Spanky Datass

“Dolphins? More Lolphins! AMIRIGHT?!? HUH?WHAT?HUH? FUCK YOU!!”

Bortleback

Cutler doing his best to solidify his feast-or-famine reputation