Your “Week 13-The Luckiest Week Of Them All” Sunday Afternoon NFL Football Open Thread

Here’s where we begin to see teams get separated from their playoff aspirations. Yes, the annual bevy of articles titled, “Really, if you think about it, every team is still alive, here are the unrealistic series of events that prove it” are about to be sprung on us. But really, for that to occur meteors, geographically-specific earthquakes and plane crashes will have to be out in full force in the next few weeks and the meteors would have to be self-aware and it gets a bit complicated after that if you’re willing to buy into my “GIANTS WIN THE SUPER BOWL BY PROCLAMATION” scenario. TO THE GAMES!

KC/Atl-Look for Falcs rb Freeman to get some run early and often vs. the Chiefs 28th ranked run D. That should make it even easier for wr Julio to get free. Sure he had a stinker last week but he almost always bounces back big time. If KC keeps it close they should get the win-they are +27 points-wise in the last 3 minutes of games this year. This stat that I’ve never come across before states that only the Raiders at +39 are ahead of them. Last time I looked wr Maclin was a no-go for this one-adjust accordingly.

Det/NO-I don’t know what to make of Lions wr Marvin Jones. He leads the team in receiving but that is due to a 118 and 208 pull back in weeks two and three. He’s also thrown together games of 10, 5 and 15 yards. Shall I toss him in the dumpster? Done. Both Brees and Stafford are phenomenal in the 4th quarter-the latter has a qb rating of 102 and Brees is even higher at 113.4. May the man whose arm falls off last be the winner.

LA/NE-Stay away from this game. Sir Tom of Brady is going for the all-time W record and has been gifted with a cupcake team, a home field, a rook qb and an opposing coach that is intimately involved with the L. For those among you looking for blow job tips, be sure to check out the post-game report.

Den/Jax-The Jags have lost six straight and are playing out the string. Denver needs this badly so that they can stay directly behind Oakland and KC in the out-of-nowhere, ultra-competitive AFC West. Despite qb Siemian being ruled out the Broncs should grab this one.

Hou/GB-Are you up for an ugly, poorly-executed tilt? This one is for you. The Pack lost their starting inside backers so Clay Matthews and his stringy hair (were conditioners banned along with calorie-reduced foodstuffs in Wiscy?) moved from the outside. They can sorta stop the run but have given up 30 or more points in 4 of their last 5. The qb tasked to stick another 3-spot on Green Bay is bust-y free agent Brock Osweiler. His God-given ability has enabled him to lead the league in interceptions and rank 31st in passer ratings. I just feel sorry for the heretofore fantastic wr DeAndre Hopkins.

Phi/Cin-Philly can’t win on the road and will be without difference-makers wr Matthews and rb Mathews. Not to be outdone, Cincy has countered by having their best play-maker-wr Green-sit this one out as well. For hardcore fans only.

Mia/Bal-Tough test for Miami here since the Ravens have a tendency to win at home in December. How do they do that? Since 2008 they’ve given up a stingy average of 16 points per game. The Fins caught fire after rb Ajayi went nuts but he’s been held below 80 yards in his last three gallops. Is it in qb Tannehill to get it done through the air? Well, he did it last week and has kept his intercepts down so I’m going with, “nuh-uh”.

SF/Chi-1-10 meets 2-9. Wheeeee!

Enjoy Moochnachos! LET ‘ER RIP!

 

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Unsurprised

Big Black Cock

Sharkbait

Jesus. The San Francisco Chicago game needs a mercy killing

Senor Weaselo

Afternoon folks. I checked to see the Jets game and remembered they’re the Monday night game, so yes they’re already losing.

Brocky

Me while talking to a group of people in Illinois, (some of which are trump supporters)

Me: The fact is that as resident of Indiana, I take it as a personal insult when I see people defending Mike Pence. That man has adversely affected my life in numerous ways. When I see people out of state making light of his blatant pandering to evangelicals and his mishandling of the state’s infrastructure, I feel it reinforces the notion that a majority of trump supporters have very little understanding of what they’re voting for.

Illini: but….mah guns…..

Me: facepalms

Shogun Marcus

Nobody has EVER come for your guns. EVER! No gubmint of the USA will EVER come for them. Limiting windowlickers and other like-minded funseekers access to them, yes. But take away? No. Shut up.

WCS

So, the Dolphins are pretty shitty.

laserguru

Yup.

Spur

Let me guess instead of doing what won them games, running the ball, they decide to feature the passing game.

laserguru

Almost ordered chicken and waffles for breakfast. Realized that dropping that on a hangover might be an unwise choice
Opted for the sausage, egg and cheese biscuit instead.
I may still have regrets.

Unsurprised

That would only be a bad idea if you didn’t sausage up the dish and add some extra gravy.

Spur

Two passes in a row!

Unsurprised

Fuck

Spur

Chip Kelly needs to go back to Oregon. The 49ers roster is shit. GM /Owner is a cheap bastard. The stadium is brand new and is horrible.

...

Is the -14 passing yards for the 49ers some new Chip Kelly innovation?

ArmedandHammered

Maybe he thinks all numbers are absolutes? So he still sees it as a gain?

...

He’s just playing 3D chess.

ThursdaySkyGoddess

Matt Patricia looks like an even schlubbier version of Kevin James, which enrages me for some reason.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Shogun Marcus

That had to be empty. Full one would’ve ripped his arm off. Even still that had to sting. Quality hustle.

Spur

Eagles quitting
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Spur

Can the Bears complete a pass before halftime? Stay tuned

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
...

I hope not.

Shogun Marcus

Blatant disregard of highway code, tunnels not clearly marked. 2/10 WOULD NOT BANG.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That’s not windshield wiper fluid.

Shogun Marcus

Blatant disregard of highway code, tunnels not clearly marked. 2/10 WOULD NOT BANG.
Stupid reply fail.

Spur

Chicago really wants that 2 pick

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Spur

Nugent making kicks today

Shogun Marcus

Does he and his friend Fred Bear have them in a stranglehold?

Redshirt

Well they’re Field Goals, not Extra Points.

ArmedandHammered

Andy Reid is cookin’ up more ways to misuse time outs, that is what he is cookin’ up. And ribs.

Unsurprised

Mmmmmmm. Ribs

King Hippo

Now THAT is the Devontae Booker that I wouldn’t have benched. Damn it.

Redshirt

I saw 47 seconds of the 49ers/Bears game. I understand.

Col. Duke LaCross

Insurmountable lead?

...

Games like this one make me wish negative points were possible.

Spur

Booooooooo
Completed pass in Chicago.

Unsurprised

If you have any sympathy for the trumpgrets people, I fucking hate you. This shit is hilarious because I fucking despise and harbor ill will towards stupid and ignorant people like this shit heel fucking idiot.
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WCS

It’s disturbingly easy to make people vote against their best interests.

Unsurprised

Yes, because people don’t know shit and actively avoid knowing shit.

FUCK THEM.

Unsurprised

Same as these mouth-breathing “keep your government off my Medicare” brain dead fuckheads. I hate them and I hope they fucking die.

King Hippo

RedZone has read our minds, adjusted, and is now showing a metric fuckton of the Chicago MOST GLORIOUS shitshow

Redshirt

That’s the only reason why I’m not going to get something to eat. I want to see part of this game.

Brocky

excessive celebration, on the punt return team, number 7 San Francisco

Unsurprised

Reason #69 why I don’t give a fuck about NFL

Spur

Blocked PUNT!

Redshirt

I need a GIF of the entire Eagles Offensive Line going “What the fuck was that?!”

Spur

Completed pass in the CHi/San Fran game…..but it’s coming back.

King Hippo

this game is PERFECTION

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

Jim Tomsula watching the San Francisco/Chicago game from a boxcar traveling through the Ozarks – “Glad I don’t have to do THAT anymore.”

JustStopDude
WCS

Mother fuck Roanoke with two stolen, severed dicks.

Redshirt

Two snow games happening and I only get one game.

The NFL blows and sucks concurrently.

Spur

This is gonna be the best chance for some points…safety for San Fran

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO SUCK IT RAMS

WCS

Ah, no white bread sandwich for Joe Flacco at halftime.

King Hippo

he just wanted his THAT’s SO RAVEN(s)! shout out

Spur

That “The Mick” show looks impressively awful.

JustStopDude

Yup.

Its amazing to me how the big network TV will do this over and over again. They see what cable is doing…so they try to recreate it…but the fuck it up completely every single time.

King Hippo

SF just punted from the CHI 31 on 4th and 9

Spur

I love this game too!

Shogun Marcus

Groceries done. Gingerbread waffles done and excellent. Ideas for possible future posts done. Scoreless oopsie ball in-progress. Ok snow, you may proceed.

Shogun Marcus

That is oddly satisfying and I must has.

Unsurprised

Hypnotic

King Hippo

If the tracking services could get the stat, how about…

DPI penalty drawn, 15 yards or less = 1 point; >15 yards = 2 points

I mean, it’s not GREAT, but still better than nothing. Or assuming PPR league, shift to 2/3 or 2/4

Redshirt

If you’re looking forward to a McGriddle at 1PM in the morning, you are either waking up from an all night bender, or you’ve made some serious mistakes in life.

Redshirt

Yes, I’ve just noticed I said “1 PM in the morning”. In my defense, I’m dadsitting.

King Hippo

the “serious mistakes” applies to at least 95% of us, methinks…

King Hippo

per RedZone – ZERO complete pass in SF/CHI Q1, combined. That’s just awesome.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Spur

The snow resting on Kap’s fro is oddly festive.

Redshirt

Way to go, Bengals. Let’s screw up that draft position!

Spur

i love seeing the eagles lose

King Hippo

This GB game is so purty I may have to go to the pub

Spur

Kaepernick should just run on every passing play

Senor Weaselo

The Madden 05 approach?

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

They kinda confirmed that themselves when they let St. Louis spend 16 million bucks trying to keep them when they had already decided to move to LA and had a handshake deal with the NFL to do it.

King Hippo

Finally, the fraud that is the Lolfins is being exposed by the fraud that is the Ratbirds.

King Hippo

yeah, my cross-town move got scary at times ,, smh

Unsurprised

“THE LACK OF COMPETENCE GODS HAVE SPOKEN.” — Scotchnaut

Who made the Ryan Bros. gods?

King Hippo

you know, when a WR draws a PI call, they should get fantasy credit somehow

King Hippo

and no, I don’t own Julio Jones