Your “Week 13-The Luckiest Week Of Them All” Sunday Afternoon NFL Football Open Thread

Here’s where we begin to see teams get separated from their playoff aspirations. Yes, the annual bevy of articles titled, “Really, if you think about it, every team is still alive, here are the unrealistic series of events that prove it” are about to be sprung on us. But really, for that to occur meteors, geographically-specific earthquakes and plane crashes will have to be out in full force in the next few weeks and the meteors would have to be self-aware and it gets a bit complicated after that if you’re willing to buy into my “GIANTS WIN THE SUPER BOWL BY PROCLAMATION” scenario. TO THE GAMES!

KC/Atl-Look for Falcs rb Freeman to get some run early and often vs. the Chiefs 28th ranked run D. That should make it even easier for wr Julio to get free. Sure he had a stinker last week but he almost always bounces back big time. If KC keeps it close they should get the win-they are +27 points-wise in the last 3 minutes of games this year. This stat that I’ve never come across before states that only the Raiders at +39 are ahead of them. Last time I looked wr Maclin was a no-go for this one-adjust accordingly.

Det/NO-I don’t know what to make of Lions wr Marvin Jones. He leads the team in receiving but that is due to a 118 and 208 pull back in weeks two and three. He’s also thrown together games of 10, 5 and 15 yards. Shall I toss him in the dumpster? Done. Both Brees and Stafford are phenomenal in the 4th quarter-the latter has a qb rating of 102 and Brees is even higher at 113.4. May the man whose arm falls off last be the winner.

LA/NE-Stay away from this game. Sir Tom of Brady is going for the all-time W record and has been gifted with a cupcake team, a home field, a rook qb and an opposing coach that is intimately involved with the L. For those among you looking for blow job tips, be sure to check out the post-game report.

Den/Jax-The Jags have lost six straight and are playing out the string. Denver needs this badly so that they can stay directly behind Oakland and KC in the out-of-nowhere, ultra-competitive AFC West. Despite qb Siemian being ruled out the Broncs should grab this one.

Hou/GB-Are you up for an ugly, poorly-executed tilt? This one is for you. The Pack lost their starting inside backers so Clay Matthews and his stringy hair (were conditioners banned along with calorie-reduced foodstuffs in Wiscy?) moved from the outside. They can sorta stop the run but have given up 30 or more points in 4 of their last 5. The qb tasked to stick another 3-spot on Green Bay is bust-y free agent Brock Osweiler. His God-given ability has enabled him to lead the league in interceptions and rank 31st in passer ratings. I just feel sorry for the heretofore fantastic wr DeAndre Hopkins.

Phi/Cin-Philly can’t win on the road and will be without difference-makers wr Matthews and rb Mathews. Not to be outdone, Cincy has countered by having their best play-maker-wr Green-sit this one out as well. For hardcore fans only.

Mia/Bal-Tough test for Miami here since the Ravens have a tendency to win at home in December. How do they do that? Since 2008 they’ve given up a stingy average of 16 points per game. The Fins caught fire after rb Ajayi went nuts but he’s been held below 80 yards in his last three gallops. Is it in qb Tannehill to get it done through the air? Well, he did it last week and has kept his intercepts down so I’m going with, “nuh-uh”.

SF/Chi-1-10 meets 2-9. Wheeeee!

Enjoy Moochnachos! LET ‘ER RIP!