Instant Hippo Thoughts – Week 13, 2016

King Hippo

King Hippo

Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan.Also a proud fookin’ Evertonian.Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child.[Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
King Hippo

Well, it certainly was lucky for Andy Fucking Reid, wasn’t it? I mean, the Chefs DID technically win on a game-winning TD pass from Matt Ryan. In that “ppl forget that” category is that the 2-pointer when one is up 1 late in the game should not be treated like a “nothing to lose” sitch. Because whilst it is obvs better to be up 3, it’s really shitty to force it in for a pick two and NEVAR get the ball back, as happened to Matty Ice and Atlanta.

But I’m not even sure that was even the biggest surprise of the day, what with Jim Caldwell’s Fuck Lions of Destiny ™ smothering Breesus Christ in his home cradle. This was the first time Detroit didn’t trail at SOME POINT in the 4th quarter. Belief is a big thing in sports, and this squadron is really starting to feel it. If the SeaTruthers aren’t hearing footsteps for the #2 spot and that crucial bye/home field for the Divisional Round, then it’s only because they aren’t paying attention.

Also with the magic beans of belief (and not just gas)? Oakland. Down 10-9 at the half, the Raiders promptly spotted Buffalo 2 quick TDs to start Q3…then went all rampage all over their ass.

Ryan Brothers unemployment watch can now begin in earnest. And Oakland has the #1 seed in the AFC by virtue of tiebreaker #17 or something.

That AFC West is no joke, as Denver would join KC in the Wild Card round after winning in DUUUUUUUUUUval, 20-10. Thanks almost exclusively to the beastly defense that Wade built, as usual. This is as good a time as any to insert my belief that the 3 best players in the NFL are, in some order, Khalil Mack, Von Miller, and David Johnson. I don’t think it’s particularly close for whoever the fuck #4 is, and he’s probably a defensive player.

The only offensive player on my list had a very beastly day against the Redacteds, and Bruce Arians put his balls on the table by going for 4th and a foot, up 1 on his own 35 with 4 minutes to play. The Cards converted and scored a TD, later stopping the Redacteds last gasp drive around the AZ 30. Mathematically, it was 100% correct, and I tip my hipster driving cap to him. Plus, it meant trusting his BEST player to make a play to win the game, and that’s always the situation you want to be in, right? Especially when he’s THAT good?

Johnson broke off 15 yards on the play, FWIW. He’s real good.

We had snow today!! It was fucking great. John Fox finally rode his bell cow back, Jordan Howard, who responded with 117 yards and 3 TDs. On behalf of Howard fantasy owners everywhere, I would like to volunteer to punch Fox in the dick for waiting this long to unleash what is obviously a sad roster’s lone true bright spot.

Kaep…is apparently not a snow dude.

Green Bay hosted and won their snow game, over poor, helpless Brock Lobster. Who did at least salvage a garbage time TD that brought us the funny ha-ha of Nick Novak falling down whilst missing the garbage time extra point.

No show in Balmer, but Christ almighty did TannyFanny and the LOLfins finally get exposed for the clownfrauds they are. It would have been quite embarrassing for them to have made the playoffs and lost (to even the Texans or Humps) by 30, so that was quite the ELITE public service. Also, Justin Tucker is really, really good.

Despite the infinite wisdom and lifetime contract of Jeff Fisher’s mustache, Jared Goff was as helpless against Belicheat as one would expect. MOVING ON…

Remember when the Iggles were good? 3-0, weren’t they? Long time gone, man. Even the AJ Green-less Bungles toyed with them, ala cat with half-dead mole. Cincy is dead set on finishing 8-8, come hell or high water. Wait, Andy Dalton called and he insists it’s HECK.

Maximum Elisha was on full display today. Sometimes I really, truly wonder if he might not be mildly mentally handicapped. And there are still people who will vote for him to be inducted into the Hall of Fame because he played in New York for a long time and was around a bunch of other really good players a couple times. PEOPLE ARE THE WORST AND HUMANITY DESERVES ITS COMING EXTINCTION.

I don’t even know what to say about the poor fucking Chargers anymore. It’s just hard to look them in the eye at this point. They have to be running out of absurd ways to lose, don’t they? And don’t look now, but Rapey Jameis could knock Matty Ice out of that NFC South title and #4 seed/home loss to Green Bay in Wild Card round.

Horse Balls started the Sunday nighter and threw an immediate pickerception. Then Cam came back in. It was weird, man. To the extent Riverboat wanted to motivate his team…it didn’t much work.

King Hippo
King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
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Moose -The End Is Well NighKing HippoLemonJelloBeerguyrobThe Right Reverend Electric Mayhem Recent comment authors
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Agreed on those LBs right now. Von won that game for them and with ST and odd penalty gaffs he would have won the KC game too. Maybe not won but was the difference maker. As a fan I love watching that kind of play. For most fans though it makes the offense boring, both because they have to account for these guys and that they….. fucking destroy what an offense is trying to do.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

OUR Donks won’t do shit in the play-offs this year my fren.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

And for some reason I’m OK with that.

laserguru

So my Vegas hotel room has neither a dead bolt nor a do not disturb sign thus allowing housekeeping to unlock and walk into my room 2 hours before checkout while I’m still asleep.

I wish this had a more porn movie payoff but I was fast asleep and didn’t even have my dick in hand and was fully under covers.

I said “Maybe a knock next time.”

She replied “Oh no, I come back.”

I guess I should get up.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Dear Penthouse forum…

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I always loved that joke:

[extended, detailed, sordid, perverse, illegal tale of woe]

Followed by; Bottom line is; do you think I should bet on the Packers and take the points??

Beerguyrob

Jeff Fisher better never coach the Falcons, because his desire to be 7-9 combined with their desire to be 9-7 will result in an 8-8-pocalypse that will destroy all sport as we know it.

monty this seems strange to me

Fisher’s Falcons would be 7-7-2.

Beerguyrob
jjfozz

I’m waiting for Steve Smith to commit a completely boneheaded play that costs us a game. What an asshole.

And if he doesn’t do it, Joe will by throwing a pass that makes the homeless people in Baltimore say, “What kind of pass was that?'”

Actually it would come out, “Pizza, sardines and when you ride the train you have to pay with an owl! Also, gimme a dollah.”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I just liked and then unliked (and then liked again) this post because I wanted to see the “you like that? huh?” button one more time.

entropy

Off topic, somehow relevant:

I was, in another life, a database admin. I haven’t been for a while, but I still retain most of the MS SQL knowledge. There is a company nearby looking for a DBA and they deal in baseball statistics. I am going to apply for the job, and if I get it, use the position to flood PK with fake but legit – looking stats until he is drummed out of sports writing forever.

Covalent Blonde

That would make you a hero among men–also let’s not miss a chance to catfish Joe Buck with crappy baseball stats, too

entropy

I’ll do my part with PK, but someone else will have to interact with Buck. I’d never be able to keep myself from cursing at him every other word

WCS
Shogun Marcus

Ohhh I barely member!
/seriously if it didn’t end a yard shy I wouldn’t

monty this seems strange to me

“barely member, indeed”
– Jenn Sterger

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Somebody woke up ready to work this Monday morning.

/obviously not me – I misspelled the words “woke” and “ready” the first time I typed that.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I membah when McNair and others GOT him to a superbbah.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Carson Wentz: Work In Progress or Clownfraud? Discuss.

ballsofsteelandfury

Yes

ballsofsteelandfury

Actually, the real answer is David Carr.

Covalent Blonde

The answer is never fucking David Carr

entropy

What is “grounds for David Carr’s divorce,” Alex?

monty this seems strange to me

Spoken like someone who has fucked David Carr

ballsofsteelandfury

Well, i certainly wouldn’t have sex with him, but I’m sure others might want to.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I’d bang ‘im if’in I wurs drunker than now.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

He’s a work in progress to BECOME a disappointing albatross around his team’s neck. Like it took Nacho a few years to fully realize his potential to suck.

ballsofsteelandfury

I am now convinced that Jeff Fisher has pictures of Stan Kroenke fucking a mule a mule fucking Stan Kroenke. Those two fucking deserve each other. It will be fun when only 50,000 show up at the Coliseum in the future.

LemonJello
LemonJello

Fisher probably has photos* of Stan getting the Eiffel Tower from the mule and Fisher’s own mustache.

*Fisher’s thumb is partially obscuring his mustache in said photos.

Shogun Marcus

I thought that was a London Bridge?

LemonJello
LemonJello

The mule was wearing a beret = Eiffel Tower. Mule in a custodian’s helmet makes it a London Bridge.

LemonJello
LemonJello

Correction: A London Bridge requires the presence of Shad Khan’s mustache/Jaxson DeVille.

monty this seems strange to me

But this is the point in the season where the Rams reel off 4 straight wins to finish 8-8 and give the fanbase completely unwarranted optimism going into the next season.