Instant Hippo Thoughts – Week 13, 2016

Well, it certainly was lucky for Andy Fucking Reid, wasn’t it? I mean, the Chefs DID technically win on a game-winning TD pass from Matt Ryan. In that “ppl forget that” category is that the 2-pointer when one is up 1 late in the game should not be treated like a “nothing to lose” sitch. Because whilst it is obvs better to be up 3, it’s really shitty to force it in for a pick two and NEVAR get the ball back, as happened to Matty Ice and Atlanta.

But I’m not even sure that was even the biggest surprise of the day, what with Jim Caldwell’s Fuck Lions of Destiny ™ smothering Breesus Christ in his home cradle. This was the first time Detroit didn’t trail at SOME POINT in the 4th quarter. Belief is a big thing in sports, and this squadron is really starting to feel it. If the SeaTruthers aren’t hearing footsteps for the #2 spot and that crucial bye/home field for the Divisional Round, then it’s only because they aren’t paying attention.

Also with the magic beans of belief (and not just gas)? Oakland. Down 10-9 at the half, the Raiders promptly spotted Buffalo 2 quick TDs to start Q3…then went all rampage all over their ass.

Ryan Brothers unemployment watch can now begin in earnest. And Oakland has the #1 seed in the AFC by virtue of tiebreaker #17 or something.

That AFC West is no joke, as Denver would join KC in the Wild Card round after winning in DUUUUUUUUUUval, 20-10. Thanks almost exclusively to the beastly defense that Wade built, as usual. This is as good a time as any to insert my belief that the 3 best players in the NFL are, in some order, Khalil Mack, Von Miller, and David Johnson. I don’t think it’s particularly close for whoever the fuck #4 is, and he’s probably a defensive player.

The only offensive player on my list had a very beastly day against the Redacteds, and Bruce Arians put his balls on the table by going for 4th and a foot, up 1 on his own 35 with 4 minutes to play. The Cards converted and scored a TD, later stopping the Redacteds last gasp drive around the AZ 30. Mathematically, it was 100% correct, and I tip my hipster driving cap to him. Plus, it meant trusting his BEST player to make a play to win the game, and that’s always the situation you want to be in, right? Especially when he’s THAT good?

Johnson broke off 15 yards on the play, FWIW. He’s real good.

We had snow today!! It was fucking great. John Fox finally rode his bell cow back, Jordan Howard, who responded with 117 yards and 3 TDs. On behalf of Howard fantasy owners everywhere, I would like to volunteer to punch Fox in the dick for waiting this long to unleash what is obviously a sad roster’s lone true bright spot.

Kaep…is apparently not a snow dude.

Green Bay hosted and won their snow game, over poor, helpless Brock Lobster. Who did at least salvage a garbage time TD that brought us the funny ha-ha of Nick Novak falling down whilst missing the garbage time extra point.

No show in Balmer, but Christ almighty did TannyFanny and the LOLfins finally get exposed for the clownfrauds they are. It would have been quite embarrassing for them to have made the playoffs and lost (to even the Texans or Humps) by 30, so that was quite the ELITE public service. Also, Justin Tucker is really, really good.

Despite the infinite wisdom and lifetime contract of Jeff Fisher’s mustache, Jared Goff was as helpless against Belicheat as one would expect. MOVING ON…

Remember when the Iggles were good? 3-0, weren’t they? Long time gone, man. Even the AJ Green-less Bungles toyed with them, ala cat with half-dead mole. Cincy is dead set on finishing 8-8, come hell or high water. Wait, Andy Dalton called and he insists it’s HECK.

Maximum Elisha was on full display today. Sometimes I really, truly wonder if he might not be mildly mentally handicapped. And there are still people who will vote for him to be inducted into the Hall of Fame because he played in New York for a long time and was around a bunch of other really good players a couple times. PEOPLE ARE THE WORST AND HUMANITY DESERVES ITS COMING EXTINCTION.

I don’t even know what to say about the poor fucking Chargers anymore. It’s just hard to look them in the eye at this point. They have to be running out of absurd ways to lose, don’t they? And don’t look now, but Rapey Jameis could knock Matty Ice out of that NFC South title and #4 seed/home loss to Green Bay in Wild Card round.

Horse Balls started the Sunday nighter and threw an immediate pickerception. Then Cam came back in. It was weird, man. To the extent Riverboat wanted to motivate his team…it didn’t much work.