Your “Teach A Man To Fish He Eats For A Lifetime, Teach A Man To Jeff Fisher And Everything He Does Will Be Less Than Adequate” Thursday Night Football Open Thread

Could 2016 possibly get any worse? Jeff Fisher was let go? HE HAD A WINNING TEAM AS RECENTLY AS MANY YEARS AGO, FOR CHRIST SAKE! Is this what you do with someone who is obviously lousy at their job? Just let them go? Unbelievable. Sad, even. [shakes head] I hope that he manages to catch on as a talking head with one of the networks out there. Perhaps he and Matt Millen could do a light-hearted podcast dealing with the myriad ways in which one could steer an entire franchise into a farmer’s market week after week. I imagine that the initial reception to the podcast would be fantastic. (“They have so much experience! This’ll be great!”) It would be followed by general doubt about the quality of the job they’re doing by their audience. (“I don’t think these guys are very good at their jobs.”) Their employers would dig in and maintain that, yes, they are good at their jobs. (“Look, it’s early-just give them a chance. The show will get better.”) The podcast will bring in special guests like Mike Williams and Roy Williams but they won’t be the least bit interesting. (“Those guys bring nothing to the show”) Having invested so much money yet so little attention to the show, the employers will finally pull the plug because the media clamor demands that they do so. It’s a done deal, folks. Where was I? Oh yeah… TO THE GAME!

LA/Sea– I feel sorry for Aaron Donald. (Donald Aaron?) He reminds me quite a bit of Megatron or Joe Staley or Marcel Dionne (hockey!) or Ernie Banks or any number of other Hall of Famer’s doing great work on crappy teams. The narrative will tell you that the Rams have a chance under interim coach Fassel but one week does not a new team make. Seattle romps? Seattle romps.

As always, check out Freeballin’ Football’s podcast below. Will Nick’s ugly Christmas sweater featuring Christ on the cross cause a stir? Was Bill able to get admission to The Big Bang Theory convention or will he continue to be banned for his lewd display three years ago? Tim’s new look-too much cleavage or not enough? Will Josh finally come to terms with the fact that “Riders On The Storm” is a silly song because Morrison rhymed , “killer on the road/brain is squirming like a toad”? For the answers to these questions and some quality lip-flapping about things NFL-related, make sure you give ‘er a listen.

 

 

0 0 votes
Article Rating
Subscribe
Notify of
410 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Lothar of the Hill People
Brick Meathook

I’m in love with my neighbor.
My ex-wife still doesn’t know about this.
This is how soap-operas are made.

Porky Prime

Okay, seriously though, the phenomenon of movie theaters with beer has finally arrived in Albuquerque and good god, why hasn’t this been a thing like FOREVER??? Not only that but the ticket was only nine goddamn dollars–a reserved office chair seat–and the beers were about five bucks apiece. I can finally stop envying the Alamo Drafthouses.

On the movie side, Rogue One is really well made, with lovingly crafted references to the original Star Wars and compelling characters. It is ultimately superior to the entertaining but hackneyed (particularly in the latter half of the film) Episode 7. However, it is also formulaic and kinda masturbatory in the way it flaunts how seemingly inventive it is to treat Star Wars with reverence and stoicism, as if no one had ever thought of this approach before.

Far be it from me to defend George Lucas, but while Rogue One is possibly the absolute best example of the form, in the end it really seems to boil down to fan fiction. Good fan fiction, but still…

Maybe I’m just old.

Unsurprised

They had one once about ten years ago at the San Mateo 8 (behind the Benigan’s on San Mateo and Academy NE. It’s not part of a car lot). It was a welcome addition to the city, but it folded faster than I could slam shut a Playb— Oh, who am I kidding. Nobody gave a shit that I looked at porn. That’s part of why I’m so fucked up now.

Porky Prime

Just got back from Rogue One at a newly opened Flix Brewhouse and THEREBELSSTEALTHEDEATHSTARPLANSHAHAHASPOILEDBITCHES.

Unsurprised

Baywatch looks … LOOK AT DEM TITTIES
comment image

Unsurprised

comment image

laserguru

Goddamn you East Coast folks are some hearty motherfuckers.

It’s just after 11 here and I’m ready for the boneyard.

Fun fact!

In the last 36 hours I lost 7 pounds!

I do not recommend stomach flu as a weight loss program.

When the greatest thing that has happened to you in the last week is a dry fart?

You are in a dark place.
http://cdn.skim.gs/images/yaf98jyht9knxh99rc7p/15-best-quotes-from-monty-python-and-the-holy-grail-dead-vs-happy

WCS

I have a six-month-old, coupled with my normal insomnia. The only “normal” sleep patterns I had was that week I spent in Stinson Beach, CA, where everyone went to sleep by 23:00, local time.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Gotta be the best beach in Not Cal.

laserguru

You still under the HERO classification.

Shit I could fall out and get a 10 hour nap.

You’re a good damn dad!

Keep up the good work!

God bless you and yours WCS.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

It is drizzling in San Diego. And my roof is leaking. AGAIN!

I need another drink.

laserguru

Dude, I’ll do a shot!

Gimee a countdown!

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Countdown minus 20…

Beerguyrob

comment image?w=529

JerBear50

For the next four years, that episode could be more relevant than I like to think.

Unsurprised

So, just a reminder. Ambien works as a sleep aid by relaxing your anxieties by means of straight-up erasing them from your short-term memory. As far as sleep aids go, you’re better off drinking some chamomile tea than taking a drug that erases 12 hours of memory.

JerBear50

Yeah, and then we don’t have to remember what assholes we are when we drink. You act like this is a bad thing.

laserguru

Oh shit, there I am.

I just want to say that my entire muscle group hurts from the Seattle fake punt.

I knew we watched this game for a reason.

https://streamable.com/gthgi

Actual dialog:

Me: “Run Forrest!”

Crowd: “Oh shit!”

I think we rewound this more times than the official review team.

PLAY OF THE YEAR!

Unsurprised

TWO HANDS, RYAN! TWO HANDS!

Unsurprised

I still think that if the City of New York has to spend $1million/day on security for Trump’s family that they can bill the motherfucker like anyone else who they would have to protect.

Fucking cocksucking motherfucking hypocritical asshole ass-headed ass-faced conservative sons of bitches always bitching about unfunded mandates for trivial shit like health, safety, not destroying the planet, but I’m sure they’re all for the city and its taxpayers (a group you know Trump is not a member of) taking it up the ass for this piece of shit and his piece of shit family.

WCS

comment image
$MAGA

Unsurprised

As someone once said about me 12 years ago, I am the motherfucking Emperor.

LemonJello

My liege.

laserguru
JustStopDude

I’m in the kitchen making chalk lines for the new floor I want to put in, completely drunk. My father walks in.

He walks to one cabinet and pulls out a small bottle of rum. “come here son”

I stop what i am doing and walk over.

“It was hard to love your mother…a Lutheran”

“Mom was a Jew pop”

“Shut up!….it was hard to love a Lutheran. You did good work today. Let us share a bit of bitter before we rest”

Dad pours out the tiniest amount of some shitty rum. Side note, I used to slam scramble like it was going out of style.

I pretend to cough….

“It’s strong…”

“Yeah dad. Its pretty harsh. In the navy, we only had that powder mix they gave to astronauts, but we cut it with a lot of water.”

My dad walks upstairs. I struggle with the thought of going to Fells Point to keep drinking or just pass out in the kitchen. I decide to go out drinking. I will not be back tonight.

Unsurprised

Get some mussels for me.

Also, does that mean this woman is your stepmother? Because, and again, I wouldn’t listen to anything I say, but I hated my stepmother and she fucking knew it because she wasn’t my mother so fuck her forever.

JustStopDude

Birth mother. My dad was a Jesuit priest when he met my Jewish mom. We are suppose to pretend the Jewish thing never happened…I don’t know.

I’m about to Jeff Fisher two prostitutes and sleep in a dumpster….

Unsurprised

Well, shit.

Also, I hear Tomsula has the best rat pillows.

laserguru

Chalk lines?

I can tell you about chalk lines.

BULLEE DAT!

LemonJello

Chalk lines: also known as Baltimore landscaping.

WCS

Anyone else think it’s more than a little weird that Ivanka Drumpf will be taking over the role of First Lady?

JerBear50

Ordinarily I would agree, but at this point I think that might be the least fucked up part of this shitshow.

King Hippo

It would be weird if they hadn’t already made gross overt sexualized Brazzers-level stepdad (‘ceptin he’s her BIRTH Dad) references many times over, and the dumbfuckery electorate was TOTES OK with that, apparently.

Reap what ye have sewn, Murrika

Beerguyrob
WCS

comment image

JerBear50
Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

I am so incredibly glad that I inebriated my way though Colbert’s interview with MAHHKY MAHHK.

Mark Wahlberg is so in love with himself, Tom Brady told him to tone it down.

Unsurprised

The guy who produced Entourage? No way.

JerBear50

I liked pretend caricature Colbert a whole hell of a lot better than I like talk show host Colbert.

Unsurprised

Because talk show Colbert is just doing a talk show, and those are shit.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Stephen Colbert was a 10/10 for me on the comedy scale for a long time. Stephen Colbert is a 9, most of the time.

I csn see why you’d feel that way though.

JerBear50

Network talk shows in general just don’t do it for me. I realize I’ve mentioned a time or 50, but goddamn I miss Fergs.

Unsurprised

He was an exquisite exception to the format.

JerBear50

As one of our resident Charger fans, am I gonna regret starting Inman this week?

Brocky

I’m sorry. It’s late, I’m cold and my feet hurt

JerBear50

Ambien, brandy, more brandy. There, all better.

Brocky

I don’t know, I was always told never to mix pills with hard liquor

but you seem pretty knowledgeable, you wouldn’t steer me wrong, right?

JerBear50

I’d strongly recommend not taking the ambien until jusssst before you go to bed, like literally while walking to your bedroom. The combination of the two is pretty much a mind/memory eraser. I’ve talked to my ex several times this week and have no fucking clue what was said. Woke up with some nice pics sent to me though, so apparently I said something right.

Unsurprised

Because Ambien isn’t a sleep aid, it’s a memory eraser.

JerBear50

If I take it when I’m drinking and don’t go to bed right away, I get a semi-conscious second wind and will end up staying up for hours but will have almost no recollection of it the next day. Usually wake up to a lot of dirty dishes though.

Unsurprised

Even the combination that melts your liver out your ass still takes more pills and booze than you need to have a good evening.

JerBear50

“I was always told never to mix pills with hard liquor”
And by the way, you clearly need better friends and influences in your life.

Unsurprised

Filthy goddamn reddit nerds: http://imgur.com/BZztxPM

Brocky

that’s actually pretty ingenious.

FUCK wrappers!

Unsurprised

I guess, but I’ve spent enough time having to make my own meals and making them very simply and with few ingredients that I (literally) can’t stomach that much frozen, processed food product. I got a Costco hot dog last month when I last went there and immediately shat it out once I got home. My body doesn’t want that stuff.

Unsurprised

James Cameron, visionary insult comic:

“Hiring you is like firing two good men.”

“Watching him light is like watching two monkeys fuck a football.”

Beerguyrob

Have they released an update on Jon Ryan yet, or is Chris Kluwe anxiously waiting by the phone?

Brick Meathook

It was bad enough when Arnold became my governor.
Now he takes over Donald Trump’s reality show so Trump can be President of the United States.
Boys, I grew up in Arlington VA and served in the U.S. Navy submarine service, and I don’t even recognize this place anymore.

Unsurprised

The way these things usually go when the CIA did it to other countries, we can at least hope for a military coup.

WCS

Keep Calm and Bourble On

Unsurprised
entropy
Unsurprised

Jared Leto is a shitty actor who drags everyone around him down?

King Hippo

16 (SEA) to 2.4 (Graham) is a decent enough lead after 1 player each.

Unsurprised

comment image

Unsurprised

Wow. That was much larger than I expected.

King Hippo

Even the experienced courtesan he hired couldn’t help blurting out much the same thing. I mean, how does he even manage to dress himself in the morning??

Unsurprised

I do just fine and I’m his size

King Hippo

Keenum really is even shittier than Goff, somehow.

King Hippo

c’mon, Hippo needs a garbage time turnover. Impress your unsportsmanlike coach

Unsurprised

I had the volume on for about twenty seconds before I told Cris to fuck himself and muted it.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Jesus, 20 seconds? Masochist…

ThePirateSloth

Cris is an expert at knowing when someone is faking it in front of him.

Unsurprised

Just because it happens a lot doesn’t mean he’s good at recognizing it. If that were true, he’d be good at announcing football games.

King Hippo

I suspect we might see a few more Ram It!! folk grab a few facemasks.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

30-yard penalty?

THX RAMSLOL

Senor Weaselo

Is it chippy yet?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

No, the Rams will probably wait until after the 49ers fire him before they bring him in for an interview.

JerBear50

I’m figuring him for a cabinet position.

Unsurprised

Dolphins-Jets.

WHAT HAVE WE DONE TO DISPLEASE YOU SO!?!?

Sharkbait

That’ll help the ratings.

entropy

I can think of a few things you’re doing to piss me off right now, son….

Unsurprised

Oh?

King Hippo

Ram It!! challenging SeaTruthers for big fucking meanies

herodotus450

WHY THE FUCK DIDNT YOU REVIEW IT IN THE LAST COMMERCIAL? FUUUUUUUUCCCCCK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUU

herodotus450

Fake punt when you’re up 21 with 5 minutes to go, against the sorry rams?
comment image

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

It’s almost like Carroll and his staff are complete and utter toolbags…

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I like how the total number of blacks, Hispanics, and Asians who appear in this new Apple commercial is equal to the number of Frankensteins.

King Hippo

“yeah, too many blacks”

– Advertising executive

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

“Too urban” is the preferred code language I think

King Hippo

“open your heart to EVERYONE”

I literally can’t think of worse possible fucking life advice, so surprise it comes from Apple Corp.

entropy

Are you telling me it was a bad idea to invite the junkies from the south side of town to stay at my place while I’m at work tomorrow?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“What’s this about ‘opening hearts’?”

– Ray Lewis