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2016 Quotables (Week 16 – Results)

blaxabbath

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Can y’all believe Week 16 over Christmas was just last week and now we’re on to New Years Week 17 football action?! I was so excited that I almost made plans to throw the wife in the car (not the trunk, this time) and drive to LA to see the non-playoff Cardinals look to F their 2017 draft position in the A against the non-playoff Travelin’ Rams. Unfortunately, however, lodging rates don’t follow the freefall rates of the LA Coliseum over New Years. Plus LA seems like a place that might get terroristed over the weekend.

Anyways, good stuff on Week 16. I know that was a lot of Browns but, damn it, those scrappy scrubs earned it. Made their coach cry and everything. Good cry even! But, for those of us at Quotables, enjoy it while it lasts. After the Texans get their playoff game out of the way, we’re back to overall decent broadcast football for the rest of the season. So let Week 16 sink in, look ahead to Week 17, but enjoy this moment. The off-season looms and, I don’t know, I hope you all know how to make fun of explosive dunks and hockey things happening in gifs or whatever.

Anyways, before I get you all to your Week 16 Results, I’d like to invite commentists to share their New Years cooking recipes/traditions. We loaded up on cooking ware (and Target gift cards) by means of this wedding deal and I’d like to rip off start a New Years tradition of my own, in between playing around with Yeah Right Sunday Gravys.

Ok that’s all class dismissed.

Arizona Cardinals kicker Chandler Catanzaro stares down the Seattle Seahawks sideline after going 2 for 3 on field goals.
“Last time I saw Arians this flustered, Barack Obama was becoming President.” -Bloody Lethal
Cleveland Browns running back Isaiah Crowell celebrates a touchdown against the San Diego Chargers by posting an image of a police officer being stabbed with fans.
“Cleveland Browns running back Isaiah Crowell celebrates a touchdown against the San Diego Chargers by wondering what the fuck this Seahawks guy is doing at a Browns/Chargers game.” -Monty This Seems Strange To Me
Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers enjoys a Lambeau Leap after rushing for a touchdown against the Minnesota Vikings.
“Wait, you’re a woman!?! Please stop touching me. Just you. The men can keep groping me.” -LemonJello
The Cleveland Browns complete a pass against the San Diego Chargers.
“The Chargers copy of the NFL produced Heads Up video is apparently collecting dust.” -Sunrisesunrise
Jacksonville Jaguars fans react to Tennessee Titans quarterback Marcus Mariota being loaded on the medical cart as their team prepares to relocated to London, England.
“Walking under your own power remains an applause-worthy achievement just out of reach of many across the state of Tennessee.” -BrettFavresColonoscopy
Fans and Coaches react to the Cleveland Browns blocking a field goal attempt by the San Diego Chargers.
“These rubes act like their team hasn’t won a game all season.” -LemonJello
Cinncinatti Bengals H-Back Ryan Hewitt executes a block against Robert Nelson Jr of the Houston Texans.
“Cincinnati Bengals H-Back Ryan Hewitt executes a block against Robert Nelson Jr of the Houston Texans.” -Monty This Seems Strange To Me
Southern California-ish Chargers kicker Josh Lambo reacts to a missed field goal attempt at the end of a game against the Cleveland Browns.
“Hello Darkness, my old friend …” -Unsurprised

 

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scotchnaut

“We deserve that.”

-Honest Cats, everywhere

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

phst! Honest cats.

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scotchnaut

For those of you that have wives/SO’s I have something very important to pass on to you. I’m going to assume that you may not be the most sociable feller and you’ll want to cut out of a gathering a bit sooner than your better half. How to do this without antagonizing her? Tell her beforehand, “I’m going to give you a code that will indicate to you when I’m bored out of my skull/ready to leave. Here is the code…”

Now think of a silly/weird phrase. For the longest time mine was, “The Crow Flies At Midnight”. When you’re ready to go, pull her aside as though you have something important to say and whisper in her ear/announce with a straight face ‘the code’. She’ll laugh, it’ll be your shared thing and you introduce your desire to get the hell out of there in a way that is palatable to your mate. It works 90% of the time every time.

/current code is “Your Nipples Glisten In The Moonlight”

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

You need to replace “Tell her beforehand…”

With “Tell her boyfriend….” so you can leave with her.

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scotchnaut

Hmmm….

/chat up someone

//give them the code and tell them, “I gotta be with my fellas”

///come back later and do ‘the code’

I call that a workable strategy

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scotchnaut

Choke them?

I don’t like where you’re going with this Moose

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ballsofsteelandfury

THAT IS GREAT CODE HUSTLE!

/slaps scotchy on the ass. Hard.

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scotchnaut

Spanks very much. It works even better if you introduce the concept before an engagement that the both of you want to skip out of early.

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ballsofsteelandfury

I’ve used code in the past. It’s a genius idea. The funnier the code phrase the better.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

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Unsurprised

That’s a creepy fucking mask

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Bloody Lethal

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d5kpXhq5nHM

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

He was pretty funny back in the day.

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Unsurprised

He caused more people to walk out of an Orange County club because of all the gay sex jokes than Scott Thompson.

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Unsurprised

I remembered that from a talk show I saw once twenty years ago but I had to take the bar exam twice because I couldn’t remember all of the fucking rules for land transfers. What the fuck is wrong with me?

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Not surprising.

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LemonJello

Not nearly as good as Fozz’s:

Standing guard at a “secure strategic facility” one New Year’s Eve. Nothing is going on, as usual until the voice of the Officer Of the Day crackles across the radio net, “All posts, all posts, this IS a drill – **something something, intruders in the compound** Happy New Year, Motherfuckers!”

Spend the next hour running around chasing “simulated” bad guys in the dark.

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jjfozz

Fine, you kids won’t shut up.

I was dating a confirmed psychotic but she was pretty and sex was her hobby. So me and her, and my friends and my sister go to dinner. Girlfriend gets bombed, throws tantrum in bar. We go back to my friend’s apartment. My sister gets ill and asks me to take her home. So I do.

Girlfriend’s tantrum gets worse. We pile in to car hammered. (Yes, it’s a dumb as fuck move. And I’m embarrassed by it.) Get home, continue drunken fight. Girlfriend threatens to leave. I call her a cab.

Meanwhile, tenants in bottom unit are partying their ass off and I figure, “Why in fuck not?” Girlfriend walks out, gets into cab and she stumbles out and is trying to formulate the words, “I’m sorry”.

I yell out, “Happy New Year, you BITCH!”

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blaxabbath

Interesting. I figured the story about how you proposed would include discharging more handguns.

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jjfozz

Here’s a good one.

I have a new year’s eve party at my parents house. invite girlfriend. we get blitzed and go outside to celebrate the new year. she falls down hill, i rescue her. We come back in covered in leaves, twigs, grass stains. Everybody at party notices.

Party ends, I go upstairs to my room. I still have twin beds. (Note, I had moved out, was using parent’s house with permission.) I tuck girlfriend in to her own bed, wake up next morning in bed with her, half clothed.

Next morning Mom walks in, and says, “Breakfast is ready.” And walks out.

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jjfozz

Another one? Okay.

My older sister used to have a New Year’s Eve party at our house for all of her college friends. My sophomore year in high school, I was sneaking beers and rum (15 yrs old dumbass.) And I got wasted. And made a really clumsy, stumbling pass at a college girl. So I stumbled upstairs to my bed and my mother yelled out, “Fozz, do you need a bucket?”

And I yelled out, “Three tears in a bucket, if it doesn’t flow, mother fuck it!”

That was a line from a novel about Vietnam that I had just finished.

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jjfozz

Here comes New Year’s Eve, every year since forever it has been my own personal Waterloo crossed with Galiopoli.

Here’s a great tale: So I go to a party with a friend in Annapolis. I get half in the bag and start throwing down this rightous rap with a pretty blonde. I need to piss. I go outside to piss off the porch and notice that, in my drunken state, I pissed not THROUGH the spaces between the railing, but all over one.

My entire crotch was soaking wet. I did not get laid that night.

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Bloody Lethal

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xnw8JRpXdAc

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Unsurprised

Why did I just eat that package of cookies? This is why they don’t let Mexicans have money.

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...

Mexican money is cookies? DAMN IT I’VE BEEN CONNED AGAIN.

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Unsurprised

¡SPONCH!

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

I haven’t done it in a few years, but I used to make oysters Rockefeller for New Year’s Eve. Super easy and impresses the hell out of the ladies. Oysters are cheaper than they should be at whole foods, so buy a shitload, open em up and put them on a baking sheet covered in thick salt (with foil underneath unless you are going to throw out the sheet), sauté some spinach, garlic, and onions or shallots on the stove, mix that together with bread crumbs and Pernod, shove that mixture on top of your oysters, liberally cover with cheese, fire that shit in the oven, watch panties drop.

Also, there are recipes on the Internet with more specificity.

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blaxabbath

That sounds just brilliant.

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Bloody Lethal

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y7FzXn7AZ38

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Unsurprised

I demand a recount! My Titans joke was gold, Blaxxy! Gold!

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blaxabbath

Unsurprised on Tuesday:comment image

Unsurprised on Friday: http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m38vf2LneW1r00g1wo1_500.gif

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Unsurprised

Indeed

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laserguru

My Grandmommy who taught me my southern cooking ways also used to make pot liquor on New Year’s but I think she spelled hers pot likker. It’s about 2-3 pounds of fresh green beans, half of a chopped onion, more cloves of garlic, 1 ham hock, 4 strips of bacon, salt pepper and thyme.
Throw everything in a pot, cover with water and cook for about 3 hours. Right at the last 30 minutes of cooking toss in a chopped potato. Serve as a side and be sure to sop up them juices with some corn bread.

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Where’s the liquor?

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laserguru

I do the Southern thing with black eye peas.
If you have a left over Thanksgiving/Christmas ham bone even better.
Sort and rinse a16 oz bag of dried black eye peas.
Toss the peas and that ham bone into a pot along with some chicken stock/ water. Enough to cover the peas by about an inch.
Chop up half an onion, mince 4 or 5 cloves of garlic and toss them in too. Season with salt pepper and thyme and simmer on low for about 1 1/2 to 2 hours until beans are tender.
Serve with cornbread. There’s a perfectly fine cornbread recipe on the back of a box of Albers corn meal.
I also fry up a couple of potatoes cut into thick wedges.
Use a shot or two of Red Rooster Louisiana hot sauce once you’ve ladled those peas into a bowl.
Enjoy with many cold beers.

Happy New Year.

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blaxabbath

You. You have a perfectly fine cornbread recipe. In fact, I’m busting it out tonight to bring new life to some leftover chili.

I’m married. I’m not trying hard to impress anymore.

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Don T

I got a recipe for a Boricua Xmas staple: coquito. Kungjitsu mentioned it a while back and, yeah, it’s a kinda thick coconut milkshake–but with booze. These are the ingredients:
1 can each, of similar sizes, of:
-coconut cream
-coconut milk
-evaporated milk
-condensed milk

Put in a blender with ground cinnamon (to taste), and add light rum (80 PROOF) liberally. ¿Two cups? ¿More? Sure. ¿151?
/fanning myself with hands

My wife also added some brandy as well. Serve chilled and NEVER with ice.

Done properly, it should have enough booze to feel warm going down. Traditional serving: in big shot glasses after a meal or at the moment someone walks into the door. Untraditional was my favorite: wake up, put in a coffee cup 1/2 STRONG black coffee, 1/2 coquito.

Rum’s gotta be at least 80 proof. Any lower deserves the quote rum unquote treatment. Cruzan and Capt. Morgan are crimes against humanity. Bacardí’s fine, but this one (if you can get it), is as good as it gets for light rum for mixing.
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blaxabbath

What are your thoughts on the Appleton Estates collection? I ask because that’s been my rum of choice since we visited the distillery and I only know not to touch Capt Morgan/Cruzan/Any Rum I’d Encountered In College. The overproof is pretty fun, IMO.

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Don T

Haven’t tried it. My only treasonous rum forays were Dominican (Brugal and Barceló), and Cuban (Havana Club). Still preferred Palo Viejo to all 3.
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blaxabbath

At $11 a bottle, I’ll Don Q all day!

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Don T

??? Cheaper than here, where it’s made.
Now I want a Cuba Libre, bad. My perfect recipe: tall glass, lotta ice, squeeze a big lemon wedge, toss it in, add 1/2 light rum. Realize you put more rum than intended, feel like you won something, top with Coke. Don’t even bother mixing.
Oof. I need another cigarette.

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jjfozz

New Year’s Day tradition in my family is Italian Wedding Soup. Basically chicken broth, polenta, little meatballs, and spinach.

It’s supposed to bring you good luck in the New Year. So far, I’m still married with children and a job, so it fucking hasn’t worked for me.

I started a new tradition last New Year’s Day – invite in laws over for brunch. Open the door to say “Happy New Year”, realize that a hot load of barf is on its way, duck into powder room, and let fly.

My father in law laughed, my mom in law did not.

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Unsurprised

I will kick you in the fucking balls

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