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Your “The Pats Walk The Primrose Path To The AFC Final Because, Well Just Because” AFC Division Playoff Open Thread

scotchnaut

/

,

Look, I hate the Pats with all the bile I can summon just like you. Still, they are a relentlessly successful organization in much the same way that Scientology/The Tea Party/MADD/PETA/Greenpeace/Stormfront and NOW are. It’s not right by any means but here we are.

[prepares funeral pyre for the Texans]

Did I mention earlier that I hate the Pats? Yes? No? Anyway, I HATE THE PATS.

That said, the Pats fans on this site don’t make me want to jam three fingers down my throat.

Done. LET THE HATE DROPLETS RAIN!!!

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Brick Meathook

We’ve finally reached humans being hunted on TV game shows.

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LemonJello

Richard Dawson is trying to claw his way out of the grave to host it.

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Brocky

So this exact conversation happened when I walked in the house today:

Dad: Oh hey, what are you doing home?

Me: I worked till 5

Dad: Thought you were closing, you didn’t go in till like noon

Me: I talked to you this morning before I left, that was at 8

Dad: Oh, thought it was later

Me: Well, what time did you get up

Dad: Like , 11, or something.. I don’t know….

********************************

chip off the old block aye?

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...

Did I just see a promo for a TV show involving hunting humans?

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blackroseMD1

“Pssht, I’ve been doing that for years. Get some new ideas.” – Dick Cheney

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Shogun Marcus

If they’re not even going to fake not being in the tank, why should I fake interest in watching?

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Unsurprised

Exactly. I’d kill myself before watching the P*ts play

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LemonJello

“THAT’S NAWT FAYUH! GREATRIOTS ARE NAWT FACKIN CHEATAHS !”

-Gillette Stadium, Sections 1-25, inclusive.

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WCS

FACK YOU, RAWJAHH! WEAH AHLL KNOW YOU HAHHTE US BECAWSE YOU AHHIN’T US!

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Senor Weaselo

All the penalties will be on Houston. And there will be four of them.

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Unsurprised

Refs favoring these turdeaters is yet another reason people are giving up on NFL

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Isn’t it crazy the way the same week the referees decided to start enforcing ineligible man downfield penalties against Houston is the same weekend they’re playing against the Patriots?

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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Dunstan

1st and 20? Houston, just punt now and save yourself the inevitable turnover

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Senor Weaselo

OPI? HAIL BLEERGH!

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Dunstan

If watching football on my phone while screaming kids run around is “the perfect balance of football and life,” then for once I’m glad to be unbalanced.

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LemonJello

How did none of those kids hit Cowher in the balls with one of those swords? Pathetic.

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WCS

This was the 27th take. Lots and lots of dick shots prior.

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ThePirateSloth

Tommy From Quinzee: [shrug] Hogan is white enough

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The Maestro

WOOOOOOOOOOOO

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WCS

Bite me.

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...

Seeing New England pick up so many former Bears and put them in useful roles is just another reminder of how fucking terribly the Bears have been run.

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Brocky

Not going to lie, if cutty somehow ended up carrying a clip board behind brady, and got a ring out it, i’d laugh my ass off

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I want this game to either be exciting and close or a 60-0 blowout. Guess which one is looking more likely?

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WCS

INSURMOUNTABLE LEAD

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Brocky

Yeah, I don’t think ESPN gamecast is going to do tonight’s game justice:

(10:10) (Shotgun) T.Brady pass incomplete deep left to C.Hogan. PENALTY on HST-A.Bouye, Defensive Pass Interference, 30 yards, enforced at NE 35 – No Play.

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Senor Weaselo

If you’re gonna get flagged for DPI against the Pats, at least get flagged for streetball DPI.

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Unsurprised

Jesus Christ, for real. It’s inevitable, so they may as well fucking go all in.

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Beastmode Ate My Baby

“Incomplete pass by Brady. Spot of the foul. First down.”

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Spur

What’s the point of letting Houston play offense?

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WCS

Comedy?

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ballsofsteelandfury

Ok folks, due to the Kansas City shit weather, I’m off to church tonight (instead of Sunday) to pray for a gruesome Brady injury and a Steelers victory tomorrow. I’m 95% sure I will get neither. See you around the third quarter.

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WCS

Pray for the rest of us heathens.

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LemonJello

Artist’s re-creation of Balls at church:
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theeWeeBabySeamus

There’s one MexiGod in particular you may feel free to pray to. Worked well last time. 😉

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The Maestro

All I have is this place and Twitter to keep me updated. Family time suuuuuuuuucks.

Hail BLEERGH.

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ballsofsteelandfury

I don’t think you have much to worry about.

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WCS

Pretty crazy how Houston is already up 35-0 in the first quarter…

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Brocky

one of the few patriots fans I know, but your being forced to be….whats the word…

domesticated?

my entire pipe-dream of patriots fans of BRAWDY taking precedence over everything else has just evaporated.

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WCS

Sitrep:

Brother-in-law has taken nephew home. I’ve ceded the living room to the women, so they can watch some Barbie princess movie for the 45th time. Am currently watching this disasterpiece in the bedroom, with the cats. I plan on getting black-out drunk.

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LemonJello

Shelter-in-place is a good strategy.

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Unsurprised

Probably for the best given all the cursing that’s likely to result

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herodotus450

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LemonJello

Sound of Nance/Sims cut out for a minute there – I wasn’t sure if it was the start of the rapture, or that I Kubiak’ed.

Evening, Internet Friends!

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Unsurprised

Either way, it’s a sweet release from this living Hell

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herodotus450

Oh cbs, I’m not going to pay for the privilege of watching your free TV channel online, and STILL have to watch commercials. Fuck, you.
/Might as well just come out and admit that advertising revenue is based on inflated Nielsen numbers and you’re just waiting for the hous of cards to fall

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Unsurprised

“/Might as well just come out and admit that advertising revenue is based on inflated Nielsen numbers and you’re just waiting for the hous of cards to fall”

You misspelled “the entire consumer economy”

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Bloody Lethal

I mean I think Houston covers 16 and the game is relatively low scoring.

/sees himself out

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h0JvF9vpqx8

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Brick Meathook

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ballsofsteelandfury

This should have been the banner image for this post.

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Senor Weaselo

“What can they do to Brady?”
“Make him dead.”

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Unsurprised

In a just world.

This is not that world.

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...

A just world would expose that he’s been a P.E.D. user for years.

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Beastmode Ate My Baby

It is the darkest timeline.

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Unsurprised

Indeed

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ballsofsteelandfury

Patriots money line had to be taken off the board in Vegas, right?

I mean, that’s the easiest money ever.

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Beerguyrob

I anticipate some Mayweather tweet later showing him with a $100K winner.

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Shogun Marcus

That he spent 500k on, but yes, “winner.”

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Beerguyrob

C’mon meteor!

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...

Damn it, Nantz. I’M NOT YOUR FRIEND, BUDDY.

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ThePirateSloth

And Nantz ain’t your buddy, pal

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LemonJello

Phil’s not your pal, guy!

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Spur

Come on Houston do it for America.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

They didn’t do it on November 8, what makes you think they’ll do it now?

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Spur

Houston players got their hands on Grade A Mexican Meth for tonight’s game?

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Brick Meathook

Who the hell was that fat old Santa Claus coot in the tunnel? I’ll bet he live under the stands.

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Unsurprised

Tomsula?

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Spur

I bet he wont let black kids sit on his lap.

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Cecil Rhodes

I really hope it’s the replacement for Jim McNally and/or John Jastremski.

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ThePirateSloth

FUCK YOU CBS

I can’t watch the god damn playoff game online without being a Frontier or Optimum subscriber? What the fuck am I, 75 years old? I know that is your only fucking demographic who watches your shitass channel, but for an NFL playoff game you won’t allow ANYONE to watch it?

Go fuck yourselves on Bea Arthurs dead dick

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Do you need a stream? Check in with me on the slack channel if so, I can hook you up.

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ballsofsteelandfury

Also, a $20 digital antenna is your friend.

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the Alpha and the Amoeba

This subreddit is a lifesaver
http://www.reddit.com/r/nflstreams/

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Unsurprised

Oops. Wrong page.

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Unsurprised

NOT literally, damn it

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Unsurprised

Katya Clover. Hot Ukrainian but almost impossible to find a SFW photo of her.

http://24.media.tumblr.com/4b7d87c2d0985bfa08b4ac7b9ecea4b8/tumblr_minlpdOfzH1s5qtxto1_1280.jpg

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Beastmode Ate My Baby

So this is where we go for Patriots vs. Team TBD, correct?

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the Alpha and the Amoeba

By the way, Balls, thanks to the power of incognito mode, I have confirmed that the molesting collies thing is from caddyshack
https://youtu.be/s5K9KRJswRA?t=60

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ballsofsteelandfury

Awesome!

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Spur

If the Oilers win, I’ll buying an Osweiler jersey.

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LemonJello

Gretzky or Messier?

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Spur

Shit! Just realized Joe Buck is doing tomorrows game. He’s going to be all over Rodgers cock.

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King Hippo

that would upset Troy, so I doubt it

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Senor Weaselo

Paging Bernard Pollard, you’re wanted in Aisle 7. Bernard Pollard, Aisle 7.

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Spur

Go replacement Oilers team! Kill Tom Brady!

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Unsurprised

Best moment of divisional weekend is the Punt, Pass, and Kick kids, when 60,000 people viciously boo a child for wearing a Pats jersey— Mike Tunison (@xmasape) January 14, 2017

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Dunstan

What’s the over/under on this game?

And by that, I mean, the over/under on “how big a lead will Grumblelord require before he sits Brady and deprives us all of the potential injury we’re rooting for”?

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Horatio Cornblower

I am drunk right now. Trying to convince the wife that she needs to drive me to a friend’s house to eat chili and drink more beer while watching the Patriots annihilate the Texans while praying that Clowney takes out Dreamy’s Ugg-shod knee.

Ohmygod she just said yes!

This will not end well.

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Senor Weaselo

That’s why she’s a keeper!

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Spur

Is DFO is only asking we watch the 1st Quarter of the Massholes Homecoming Game.

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ballsofsteelandfury

I like that you are properly drunk for this game. I need to start drinking heavily.

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ballsofsteelandfury

I’m not sure watching a football game only to be able to witness a possible injury to a Dreamboat is the healthiest thing for me.

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King Hippo

but Jesus Fuck, what else we gon do??

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Unsurprised

You’re right, but still go fuck yourself.

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