/Fox pre-game intro
Joe: “The good folks at DFW Ice Creamery were kind enough to provide us with samples of their very delicious products. I chose vanilla. [licks cone lovingly] Mmm, that’s so good! Troy, what flavour did you choose?
Troy: “You know me, Joe. I’ll always choose chocolate when I’m in Dallas. It always tastes so good! [his tongue dances on the tip of the ice cream cone]
Joe: “Gosh darn it-I can not get enough of this delicious ice cream!” [makes slurping noises]
Troy: “Can’t help but notice I got a larger cone than you did.” [slurps happily away]
Joe: “You know what they say-it’s not how much you can swallow, it’s more important that you’re satisfied at the end. [makes small moaning sound]
Troy: “You got that right mister. I’ve no doubt that we’ll both end up with a bellyful.” [eyes roll back into head]
Producer: [begins to realize what is happening] “CUT TO COMMERCIAL! CUT TO COMMERCIAL!”
GB/Dal– Them Cowpokes get a boner, bonus with the return of cb Claiborne after an absence of nine weeks. He’s back just in time to blanket wr Cobb because ace Jordy Nelson isn’t the gritty guy that everyone thought he was. Unlike Joe and Troy he was not able to suck it up. Another Pack wr is going to have to step up and my not-money is on Geronimooooo! (Allison) to jump into the fray and make a difference. I also think that Green Bay needs a half-decent day from te Cook. If he can grab 6-8 for 70-80 yards that will take some of the pressure off the outside guys and create a wee bit of hesitation on the part of the Dallas D.
The Cowboys just need to keep doing what they’re doing and they’ll be okay. There’s no reason to think that Eezy-Zeke will be thwarted in his efforts and that will limit the number of possessions that the white/lava/scorching/witheringly [runs out of breath] hot Rodgers will have to put points on the board. In addition, qb Prescott doesn’t seem to be the ‘rattleable’ type and the Pack’s D-Line isn’t a scary bunch with a lot of “Oomph!”. (says the old white guy from his couch) All in all, more things have to go right for Green Bay than Dallas-I think it should be close for most of the game but them Cowboys might pull away in the fourth. This is not my desired result, by the way.
Done. LET’S GO GET IT, POTLICKERS!!!
per that graphic, Rodgers likes to spread his love around
GERONIMOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Nobody beats it better than#12!!!
Truer words have never been spoken!
Look, it can be challenging to find… the right kind of person … in Green Bay.
One too many Cooks.
“There are never too many…oh, you said ‘cooks.’
-Aaron Rodgers
Joe Buck thinks that Rodgers might be ‘smoking hot’.
Troy Aikman thinks lines of binary code. Because concussions.
It’s just repetitive 404 errors.
Joe Buck: “Rogers looks left… but swipes right! YES!” /sends dick pic
http://assets.sbnation.com/assets/1317742/Suggestive_medium.gif
Q: Why is Donald Trump such a huge Cowboys fan?
A: Because they have the best Russian attack in the NFL.
/throws rotten tomatoes
This man. Boo him.
My favorite part of that 15 yard penalty is that if he just stayed in the huddle and on the field it’s a 5 yard penalty.
And yeah that rule is obscure but I knew it, really none of you did?
A fullback dive on first down? YOUR QUARTERBACK IS AARON RODGERS!
You must be new to this team.
The Mtn Dew Kickstart ad campaign is clearly showing us how the feline-based zombie apocalypse begins.
Sometimes, even if you’re a star and they let you, you shouldn’t grab the pussy.
Seriously…if someone I worked with or considered a friend drank that shit, I would seriously examine my relationship with that person.
BLEERGH: “Fuck if this makes any sense, you’re all on your own.”
Black Spider-Man has sold out.
Unheard of penalty gets called in a game, lots of deadtime after the penalty, and yet NO FUCKING hHELP from the announcers to explain it. THAT’S THEIR FUCKING JOB!
That’s a penalty?
That’s a 15 FUCKING YARD PENALTY?!?!?!
It’s a five yard penalty, plus a ten yard incompetence bonus.
It’ll offset a brain-damaging helmet to helmet hit!
Hail BLEERGH!!!
AGAIN…ALL-STAR OFFICIATING CREW, FOLKS!!!
Reseeding individual officials for the playoffs makes no sense.
So…. substituting is a penalty now? But not helmet to helmet hits
Niche Penalty
Artisinal, even.
REFSPIRACY
“If I had a gun to my head and had to pick a vice presidential candidate to have sex with, I would choose Sarah Palin, and Spiro Agnew.”
No love for Teddy Roosevelt? That would be an honor.
I hear he’s a rough rider.
yeah, not sure you wanna know what Teddy OR Diamond Joe are really into, kink-wise…
This is your reminder that these teams are equally hateable with equally obnoxious fans.
And they are equally undeserving of the constant verbal cocksucking they receive.
I’m pretty sure I addressed that in the intro…
It bears repeating though.
What about the constant figurative ass-pounding? And considering who the team is, it’s well deserved, but the reach-around isn’t.
FUCK YOU ASSHOLE I’M AN OWNER!
-walks away in his zubaz eating a wedge of cheddar
Save that for next weeks AFC title game
That’s a penalty?
Well that’s a new one…
That was bad defense by Sean Lee. Rodgers needs to give him some pointers on how to reach around.
DAK! is really very similar to Aaron Rodgers, if I had to make a comparison. Except you know, black. And straight. And made of processed pork product.
DAK DAK DAK DAK!!!!
“Feed Me? I’ve been using that since ’63!”
-A. Reid
Which team do you guys think has the highest chance of a well known player snubbing Il Douche by refusing to go to the White House should they win the Super Bowl? Because I need a team to root for.
Rodgers refuses to meet with Trump unless his LGBT brother, sisters and Its are treated equally.
Makes you wish the 49ers were good.
The Steelers. Only team to vote against the CBA.
If they ever re-released Tecmo Super Bowl with Aaron Rodgers as the greatest player in the game, I’m fairly confident I could win games 700-0.
“When Rodgers rogers to rogers rogers Rodgers and Rodgers the Rodgers…”
I fucking hate Joe Buck
“Why don’t we have a higher number than those other guys?”
-‘Boys Bandwagon Fans
At least my fandom is legitimate. Believe me, I know plenty of the “other” fans.
I always love when announcers talk about teams “trading” scores, as if there was some sort of agreement made beforehand.
“There wasn’t? Shit, I mean, OF COURSE there isn’t!”
~Las Vegas bookmakers
Woo hoo! Second lead change of the whole weekend!
As if I need another reason to drink.
Sean Lee has just been uninvited to this week’s Finest Eatings Event at Casa Princeton.
The Good Lord may have gotten Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka, but the law never did.
Superfly makes it to heaven, looks down upon the earth, and sees Roddy Piper stunned and on his back… his hands go up…
Jimmy lived on the top rope-the law could never get up there.
The sheriff kept trying to give him the five count, but he’d only get to three and Superfly would leap off.
Right after they dropped the case too. Though I heard that was part of why it dropped, they knew he wasn’t going to last.
Game ovah?
I thought I was about to go out, and then everyone else flaked and I guess I’ll have to do work for a piece I have to premiere next week. Like finish writing it. What’s up, figments of my imagination?
Damn, went straight Trent Green there…
You know, imaginary stoned, imaginary tipsy.
Dallas D is “out of sorts”.
/that’s Joe Buck language for “doesn’t know what the fuck is going on”
As is “and with me is Troy Aitkman”
Just enjoy all the jokes, fuck it.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1nr5vI8Nbcify1OPo7IPCw5jtEgI13GbJ2_rUSgLXdFA/edit
Always a bitch move
Ok, GB snapped the ball well before Dallas was set, and Dallas gets flagged for too many on the field? I’m confused.
The defense only gets a chance to make substitutes if the offense does.
GB didn’t make a substitution so they don’t have to give Dallas a chance to subs..
The More You Know!!!!!
More Norm jokes:
“Catherine Zeta-Jones admitted she is bipolar, half the time she is deliriously happy, and the other half she has to suck an old man’s cock.”
“Horses must love that they’re the go-to animals when saying a guy has a huge cock. I bet giraffes have huge cocks, I’m sure of it. But let’s face it, no one’s ever going to say, ‘That guy’s hung like a giraffe’ unless his cock is yellow and has brown spots on it. In which case who cares how big his fucking cock is, he has weeks to live.”
“There’s no wrong way to eat a Reese’s. Says the guy who didn’t shove a bunch of Reese’s up his ass.”
“A new study shows that most men can identify a gay man by his face alone. It’s the face that’s buried in another man’s asshole.”
Hey Aaron, that green jersey makes you look fat.
I’m worried Jon Hamm is gonna start making folks feel ill will towards Most Glorious el beisbol Cardinals fans…
Start?
Bailey you magnificent bastard you.
The less of Aaron Rodgers, the better.
He deserved it
http://cdn.images.express.co.uk/img/dynamic/20/590x/secondary/Friends-348400.jpg
Oh, come on. Who among us didn’t lust after Jennifer Aniston and wonder what Rachel was doing with a mopey schmuck like Ross? WE ARE ALL GUNTER!
I don’t know he looks pretty good for a ww2 vet
OSZ’s two step guide to stepping up your instant ramen game:
1.) buy the Mi Goreng brand (any flavor, but both the spicy beef and whatever the one with the crispy onions is)
2.) add kewpie mayo at the end
I know I should be rooting against Dallas. I know that. But I’ve got a Giants fan friend who always mocks me for being a Jet fan and who thinks Eli’s a top 5 QB all time if not top 3. His head might actually explode if the Cowboys even make the superbowl, and I really want to see that happen, so I’m conflicted.
“A Miami, Florida pimp is in custody after forcing a 13 year old prostitute to have his name tattooed on her eyelids when she threatened to run away from him. Roman Thomas III faces charges of human traffic, false imprisonment, lewd and lascivious exhibition, and delivery of a controlled substance to a child.
You know the Scriptures say ‘Judge not lest ye be judged’ but I’m just going to come out and say it: This Roman Thomas III guy… this guy’s a real jerk!”
– Norm Macdonald
Green Bay is apparently employing the Homer’s boxing strategy of “Let them wear themselves out”
I demand to see Tony Romo play tonight. The narrative would make Bayless’ and Stephen A Smith’s heads explode.