Hard Ride To Nowhere (Chapter 66)

The scene: The open highway, where Moosemas Gorilla and Horatio Cornblower are driving down the road in a 1961 Corvette convertible. Moosemas Gorilla is driving, while Horatio is riding in a sling hanging from the rear-view mirror.

Horatio Cornblower: Ah, the open road! It’s great to get away from all of that craziness for awhile.

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook! Ook-ook.

Horatio Cronblower: You said it, pal.

As they pull into town Horatio sees a pretty blonde girl standing on the corner, looking distressed.

Horatio Cornblower: Gosh, miss, you look like you could use some help.

Pretty Blonde Girl: Oh, it’s my brother, mister! He’s in jail for a crime he didn’t commit and I can’t afford one of them fancy-pants lawyers!

Horatio Cornblower: You need a lawyer? Miss, this is your lucky day…

Cut to: A small-town courtroom. The girl’s brother is sitting at the defense’s table with Moosemas Gorilla. A stack of lawbooks is stacked high on the table, allowing Horatio Cornblower to address the jury.

Horatio Cornblower: And I tell you, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, that putting this young man behind bars for a crime he did not, could not, commit would be not only be a miscarriage of justice, it would be an affront to every man, woman and child in this town…nay, in this country! For as a nation, as a people, each and every one of us is reliant on the law! And the law states that a man is innocent until proven guilty. If you find this young man, this innocent man, guilty, then you might as well find America guilty as well!

A woman in the back of the gallery breaks down in tears as men cheer.

Jury Foreman (standing up): Your honor, we don’t need a recess…we find the defendant not guilty on all counts!

Judge (banging his gavel): Case dismissed!

The crowd begins cheering. Flashbulbs go off and newsmen run out to call in the story. The prosecutor shoves his case notes into a briefcase, gives Horatio a glare, and makes his way through the crowd toward the exit.

The Girl’s Brother (shaking Moosemas Gorilla’s paw): Aw, thanks, you guys! I can’t believe it…I’m a free man!

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook!

The pretty blonde girl comes rushing up to Horatio in tears.

Horatio Cornblower: Gosh, why are you so upset? We won the case! Your brother is a free man!

Pretty Blonde Girl: It’s not that, Mr. Cornblower…it’s my pa! He’s behind on his taxes an’ now the revenuers are gonna take his farm!

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook!

Horatio Cornblower: When you’re right, you’re right, pal! Miss, take us to your father’s farm…

Cut to: A ramshackle farm house in the middle of nowhere. Inside a grizzled old codger with a shotgun peeks through a window. Outside the house, men in grey suits along with the local sheriff stand behind dark sedan, while local neighbors and onlookers watch from behind a police barricade.

Lead Agent (through a bullhorn): Come on out, old man! It’s all over!

Grizzled Old Codger: You ain’t takin’ muh land!

Suddenly the Corvette convertible comes racing up the dirt road, skidding to a stop between the house and the lawmen. Moosemas Gorilla jumps out of the car, Horatio on his shoulder.

Moosemas Gorilla (holding up an official-looking document): Ook!

Horatio Cornblower (to the lawmen): Hold it right there! What my partner here is holding up is an official federal injunction stopping you from taking this man’s land! And in a few hours we’ll have an official United States Geological Survey report proving that this land is worth far more than the back taxes owed…isn’t that right, Mr. MacReady?

A weaselly-looking man behind the barricade who was attempting to sneak away stops in his tracks.

Mr. MacReady: Curse you! That land could’ve been mine for pennies on the dollar! I’m ruined!

Sheriff: Deputy, arrest Mr. MacReady!

The crowd erupts in cheers. The grizzled old codger puts his shotgun down and comes out of the house.

Grizzled Old Codger: I don’t know how to thank yew boys! Yew done saved muh farm!

Horatio Cornblower: Think nothing of it, sir.

Suddenly the pretty blonde girl comes through the crowd and rushes up to Horatio.

Pretty Blonde Girl: Mr. Cornblower! Mr. Cornblower!

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook?

Pretty Blonde Girl: It’s my boyfriend! He’s a miner an’ the mine caved in! He’s trapped, Mr. Cornblower! Please come quickly!

Cut to: The caved-in mine. The miners are covered in dirt and dust, and looking like they’re on their last legs.

Miner #1 (looking at the veritable wall of caved-in rock): It ain’t no use. We ain’t never getting’ out of here.

Miner #2 (to Young Miner): What’re you lookin’ at, boy?

Young Miner (with a photo of Pretty Blonde Girl): This here is my girlfriend, sir. We was supposed ta get hitched come Summer..

Miner #2: She shore is purdy, son.

Suddenly the rocks shift. A few fall and the miners move back.

Miner #1: It’s a cave-in!

Miner #2: No…hold on…

Suddenly a hole appears in the rocks and the fuzzy face of Moosemas Gorilla peeks through.

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook! Ook-ook!

Horatio Cornblower (crawling through the hole): Hang on tight, men…we’re going to get you out of here!

Cut to: A few minutes later, as the miners are emerging from the collapsed mine to the cheers of the nearby crowd.

Young Miner (to Horatio Cornblower): Gosh, mister, I ain’t ever gonna be able to thank you enough! You saved our lives in there!

Horatio Cornblower: Think nothing of it, son! Just give that pretty girlfriend of yours a kiss for us!

Suddenly the pretty blonde girl makes her way through the crowd and runs toward Horatio Cornblower and Moosemas Gorilla.

Pretty Blonde Girl: Mr. Cornblower! Mr. Cornblower! It’s my cousin…!

Moosemas Gorilla (grabbing Horatio Cornblower and leaping into the Corvette convertible): Ook!!!

Moosemas Gorilla hits the starter, puts the Corvette into gear and the two speed back onto the road and out of town.

Moosemas Gorilla (as they race away from town): Ook-ook!

Horatio Cornblower: You said it, pal. It will be nice to get back to the clubhouse again. I can use the rest. Hey, there’s our highway…

To be continued…