Hard Ride To Nowhere (Chapter 66)

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Beastmode Ate My Baby

A frequent guest-star on the award-winning seventeenth season of Here Come the Brides as well as Petticoat Junction: The Outlaw Years, Vic Darlington was arrested in Miami for poodle smuggling in 1986.Fleeing to the United States to avoid prosecution, he worked as a delivery boy for Señor Pizza until finding a steady gig as the bassist for the Johnny Zed Power Trio.He currently lives in North Hollywood with his trophy wife, two meerkats and the world’s largest collection of second-hand bowling trophies.
Beastmode Ate My Baby

The scene: The open highway, where Moosemas Gorilla and Horatio Cornblower are driving down the road in a 1961 Corvette convertible. Moosemas Gorilla is driving, while Horatio is riding in a sling hanging from the rear-view mirror.

Horatio Cornblower: Ah, the open road! It’s great to get away from all of that craziness for awhile.

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook! Ook-ook.

Horatio Cronblower: You said it, pal.

As they pull into town Horatio sees a pretty blonde girl standing on the corner, looking distressed.

Horatio Cornblower: Gosh, miss, you look like you could use some help.

Pretty Blonde Girl: Oh, it’s my brother, mister! He’s in jail for a crime he didn’t commit and I can’t afford one of them fancy-pants lawyers!

Horatio Cornblower: You need a lawyer? Miss, this is your lucky day…

Cut to: A small-town courtroom. The girl’s brother is sitting at the defense’s table with Moosemas Gorilla. A stack of lawbooks is stacked high on the table, allowing Horatio Cornblower to address the jury.

Horatio Cornblower: And I tell you, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, that putting this young man behind bars for a crime he did not, could not, commit would be not only be a miscarriage of justice, it would be an affront to every man, woman and child in this town…nay, in this country! For as a nation, as a people, each and every one of us is reliant on the law! And the law states that a man is innocent until proven guilty. If you find this young man, this innocent man, guilty, then you might as well find America guilty as well!

A woman in the back of the gallery breaks down in tears as men cheer.

Jury Foreman (standing up): Your honor, we don’t need a recess…we find the defendant not guilty on all counts!

Judge (banging his gavel): Case dismissed!

The crowd begins cheering. Flashbulbs go off and newsmen run out to call in the story. The prosecutor shoves his case notes into a briefcase, gives Horatio a glare, and makes his way through the crowd toward the exit.

The Girl’s Brother (shaking Moosemas Gorilla’s paw): Aw, thanks, you guys! I can’t believe it…I’m a free man!

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook!

The pretty blonde girl comes rushing up to Horatio in tears.

Horatio Cornblower: Gosh, why are you so upset? We won the case! Your brother is a free man!

Pretty Blonde Girl: It’s not that, Mr. Cornblower…it’s my pa! He’s behind on his taxes an’ now the revenuers are gonna take his farm!

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook!

Horatio Cornblower: When you’re right, you’re right, pal! Miss, take us to your father’s farm…

Cut to: A ramshackle farm house in the middle of nowhere. Inside a grizzled old codger with a shotgun peeks through a window. Outside the house, men in grey suits along with the local sheriff stand behind dark sedan, while local neighbors and onlookers watch from behind a police barricade.

Lead Agent (through a bullhorn): Come on out, old man! It’s all over!

Grizzled Old Codger: You ain’t takin’ muh land!

Suddenly the Corvette convertible comes racing up the dirt road, skidding to a stop between the house and the lawmen. Moosemas Gorilla jumps out of the car, Horatio on his shoulder.

Moosemas Gorilla (holding up an official-looking document): Ook!

Horatio Cornblower (to the lawmen): Hold it right there! What my partner here is holding up is an official federal injunction stopping you from taking this man’s land! And in a few hours we’ll have an official United States Geological Survey report proving that this land is worth far more than the back taxes owed…isn’t that right, Mr. MacReady?

A weaselly-looking man behind the barricade who was attempting to sneak away stops in his tracks.

Mr. MacReady: Curse you! That land could’ve been mine for pennies on the dollar! I’m ruined!

Sheriff: Deputy, arrest Mr. MacReady!

The crowd erupts in cheers. The grizzled old codger puts his shotgun down and comes out of the house.

Grizzled Old Codger: I don’t know how to thank yew boys! Yew done saved muh farm!

Horatio Cornblower: Think nothing of it, sir.

Suddenly the pretty blonde girl comes through the crowd and rushes up to Horatio.

Pretty Blonde Girl: Mr. Cornblower! Mr. Cornblower!

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook?

Pretty Blonde Girl: It’s my boyfriend! He’s a miner an’ the mine caved in! He’s trapped, Mr. Cornblower! Please come quickly!

Cut to: The caved-in mine. The miners are covered in dirt and dust, and looking like they’re on their last legs.

Miner #1 (looking at the veritable wall of caved-in rock): It ain’t no use. We ain’t never getting’ out of here.

Miner #2 (to Young Miner): What’re you lookin’ at, boy?

Young Miner (with a photo of Pretty Blonde Girl): This here is my girlfriend, sir. We was supposed ta get hitched come Summer..

Miner #2: She shore is purdy, son.

Suddenly the rocks shift. A few fall and the miners move back.

Miner #1: It’s a cave-in!

Miner #2: No…hold on…

Suddenly a hole appears in the rocks and the fuzzy face of Moosemas Gorilla peeks through.

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook! Ook-ook!

Horatio Cornblower (crawling through the hole): Hang on tight, men…we’re going to get you out of here!

Cut to: A few minutes later, as the miners are emerging from the collapsed mine to the cheers of the nearby crowd.

Young Miner (to Horatio Cornblower): Gosh, mister, I ain’t ever gonna be able to thank you enough! You saved our lives in there!

Horatio Cornblower: Think nothing of it, son! Just give that pretty girlfriend of yours a kiss for us!

Suddenly the pretty blonde girl makes her way through the crowd and runs toward Horatio Cornblower and Moosemas Gorilla.

Pretty Blonde Girl: Mr. Cornblower! Mr. Cornblower! It’s my cousin…!

Moosemas Gorilla (grabbing Horatio Cornblower and leaping into the Corvette convertible): Ook!!!

Moosemas Gorilla hits the starter, puts the Corvette into gear and the two speed back onto the road and out of town.

Moosemas Gorilla (as they race away from town): Ook-ook!

Horatio Cornblower: You said it, pal. It will be nice to get back to the clubhouse again. I can use the rest. Hey, there’s our highway…

HRTN 66

To be continued…

 

Beastmode Ate My Baby
Beastmode Ate My Baby
A frequent guest-star on the award-winning seventeenth season of Here Come the Brides as well as Petticoat Junction: The Outlaw Years, Vic Darlington was arrested in Miami for poodle smuggling in 1986. Fleeing to the United States to avoid prosecution, he worked as a delivery boy for Señor Pizza until finding a steady gig as the bassist for the Johnny Zed Power Trio. He currently lives in North Hollywood with his trophy wife, two meerkats and the world's largest collection of second-hand bowling trophies.
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JerBear50Moose -The End Is Well NighballsofsteelandfuryBeastmode Ate My BabyBrocky Recent comment authors
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Brocky

comment image:large

Brocky

shit….. wrong page………

ah well

ballsofsteelandfury

Large indeed.

Brocky

I was willing to bet $50 that pretty blonde girl was going to run up to horatio, start licking the side of his face….

and then he wakes up to the gorilla trying to wake him because of the waterfall they’re about to go over

comment image

Do gorillas lick things?

Horatio Cornblower

The fuck? Is it my birthday? Eulogy?

ballsofsteelandfury

Pretty Blond Girl: “It’s my boyfriend!”

BoSaF: “Laters.”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

The cousin has an embiggening ray.

laserguru

Those goddamn revenuers!

jjfozz

I thought for sure the duo would let that mine collapse and take the pretty blonde girl back to the Clubhouse for some, um, lemonade and cookies. Yeah, that’s it.

litre_cola

We have cookies? Would have figured us recreational,l ahem, prescription weed guys would have eaten them all.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Unsurprised
Unsurprised

There’s always ¡SPONCH! in the clubhouse.

Spanky Datass
Spanky Datass

Lemonade and Thin Mints are not the ideal combo ….

theeWeeBabySeamus

We got us so gen-u-INE heroing going on today.
That pretty blonde girl better find a way to start working against that retainer invoice…Just saying.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Is it sweeps week already?

Big Black Richard
Big Black Richard

After all that work, Horatio had better at least have obtained the rights to prima nocta with that pretty blonde girl.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

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Horatio Cornblower

Yes you. Let’s go missy, that legal work ain’t free…

/remembers CT just passed a rule mandating ethics training for all attorneys*
//remembers that attorneys can’t sleep with clients
///remembers that if she hasn’t paid she isn’t a client

…for MOST people, but for YOU, no charge in CURRENCY if you take my meaning.
/Girl takes his meaning
//Horatio’s wife takes his meaning
///Horatio’s wife takes Horatio away.

Goddammit.

Horatio Cornblower

*Actually true. 12 hours of CLE every year, will cost several hundred dollars and went through with little to no publicity. Fuckers.

JerBear50
JerBear50

//Horatio’s wife takes his meaning
///Horatio’s wife takes all of Horatio’s money and things away.

Fixed that for you.