Latest posts by Beastmode Ate My Baby (see all)
- Prisoners On The Pleasure Planet! Chapter Sixteen – May 25, 2018
- Prisoners On The Pleasure Planet! Chapter Fifteen – May 25, 2018
- Hard Ride To Nowhere: The End, No Really I Mean It This Time, Seriously, Guys, This Is It – May 18, 2018
The scene: The open highway, where Moosemas Gorilla and Horatio Cornblower are driving down the road in a 1961 Corvette convertible. Moosemas Gorilla is driving, while Horatio is riding in a sling hanging from the rear-view mirror.
Horatio Cornblower: Ah, the open road! It’s great to get away from all of that craziness for awhile.
Moosemas Gorilla: Ook! Ook-ook.
Horatio Cronblower: You said it, pal.
As they pull into town Horatio sees a pretty blonde girl standing on the corner, looking distressed.
Horatio Cornblower: Gosh, miss, you look like you could use some help.
Pretty Blonde Girl: Oh, it’s my brother, mister! He’s in jail for a crime he didn’t commit and I can’t afford one of them fancy-pants lawyers!
Horatio Cornblower: You need a lawyer? Miss, this is your lucky day…
Cut to: A small-town courtroom. The girl’s brother is sitting at the defense’s table with Moosemas Gorilla. A stack of lawbooks is stacked high on the table, allowing Horatio Cornblower to address the jury.
Horatio Cornblower: And I tell you, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, that putting this young man behind bars for a crime he did not, could not, commit would be not only be a miscarriage of justice, it would be an affront to every man, woman and child in this town…nay, in this country! For as a nation, as a people, each and every one of us is reliant on the law! And the law states that a man is innocent until proven guilty. If you find this young man, this innocent man, guilty, then you might as well find America guilty as well!
A woman in the back of the gallery breaks down in tears as men cheer.
Jury Foreman (standing up): Your honor, we don’t need a recess…we find the defendant not guilty on all counts!
Judge (banging his gavel): Case dismissed!
The crowd begins cheering. Flashbulbs go off and newsmen run out to call in the story. The prosecutor shoves his case notes into a briefcase, gives Horatio a glare, and makes his way through the crowd toward the exit.
The Girl’s Brother (shaking Moosemas Gorilla’s paw): Aw, thanks, you guys! I can’t believe it…I’m a free man!
Moosemas Gorilla: Ook!
The pretty blonde girl comes rushing up to Horatio in tears.
Horatio Cornblower: Gosh, why are you so upset? We won the case! Your brother is a free man!
Pretty Blonde Girl: It’s not that, Mr. Cornblower…it’s my pa! He’s behind on his taxes an’ now the revenuers are gonna take his farm!
Moosemas Gorilla: Ook!
Horatio Cornblower: When you’re right, you’re right, pal! Miss, take us to your father’s farm…
Cut to: A ramshackle farm house in the middle of nowhere. Inside a grizzled old codger with a shotgun peeks through a window. Outside the house, men in grey suits along with the local sheriff stand behind dark sedan, while local neighbors and onlookers watch from behind a police barricade.
Lead Agent (through a bullhorn): Come on out, old man! It’s all over!
Grizzled Old Codger: You ain’t takin’ muh land!
Suddenly the Corvette convertible comes racing up the dirt road, skidding to a stop between the house and the lawmen. Moosemas Gorilla jumps out of the car, Horatio on his shoulder.
Moosemas Gorilla (holding up an official-looking document): Ook!
Horatio Cornblower (to the lawmen): Hold it right there! What my partner here is holding up is an official federal injunction stopping you from taking this man’s land! And in a few hours we’ll have an official United States Geological Survey report proving that this land is worth far more than the back taxes owed…isn’t that right, Mr. MacReady?
A weaselly-looking man behind the barricade who was attempting to sneak away stops in his tracks.
Mr. MacReady: Curse you! That land could’ve been mine for pennies on the dollar! I’m ruined!
Sheriff: Deputy, arrest Mr. MacReady!
The crowd erupts in cheers. The grizzled old codger puts his shotgun down and comes out of the house.
Grizzled Old Codger: I don’t know how to thank yew boys! Yew done saved muh farm!
Horatio Cornblower: Think nothing of it, sir.
Suddenly the pretty blonde girl comes through the crowd and rushes up to Horatio.
Pretty Blonde Girl: Mr. Cornblower! Mr. Cornblower!
Moosemas Gorilla: Ook?
Pretty Blonde Girl: It’s my boyfriend! He’s a miner an’ the mine caved in! He’s trapped, Mr. Cornblower! Please come quickly!
Cut to: The caved-in mine. The miners are covered in dirt and dust, and looking like they’re on their last legs.
Miner #1 (looking at the veritable wall of caved-in rock): It ain’t no use. We ain’t never getting’ out of here.
Miner #2 (to Young Miner): What’re you lookin’ at, boy?
Young Miner (with a photo of Pretty Blonde Girl): This here is my girlfriend, sir. We was supposed ta get hitched come Summer..
Miner #2: She shore is purdy, son.
Suddenly the rocks shift. A few fall and the miners move back.
Miner #1: It’s a cave-in!
Miner #2: No…hold on…
Suddenly a hole appears in the rocks and the fuzzy face of Moosemas Gorilla peeks through.
Moosemas Gorilla: Ook! Ook-ook!
Horatio Cornblower (crawling through the hole): Hang on tight, men…we’re going to get you out of here!
Cut to: A few minutes later, as the miners are emerging from the collapsed mine to the cheers of the nearby crowd.
Young Miner (to Horatio Cornblower): Gosh, mister, I ain’t ever gonna be able to thank you enough! You saved our lives in there!
Horatio Cornblower: Think nothing of it, son! Just give that pretty girlfriend of yours a kiss for us!
Suddenly the pretty blonde girl makes her way through the crowd and runs toward Horatio Cornblower and Moosemas Gorilla.
Pretty Blonde Girl: Mr. Cornblower! Mr. Cornblower! It’s my cousin…!
Moosemas Gorilla (grabbing Horatio Cornblower and leaping into the Corvette convertible): Ook!!!
Moosemas Gorilla hits the starter, puts the Corvette into gear and the two speed back onto the road and out of town.
Moosemas Gorilla (as they race away from town): Ook-ook!
Horatio Cornblower: You said it, pal. It will be nice to get back to the clubhouse again. I can use the rest. Hey, there’s our highway…
To be continued…