Bashing New Country in its Head with a Cudgel

We need to drop 98 tons of nuclear waste on Nashville.

And I’m not sure that’s enough to kill every fuckstick who is responsible for “new country.” If it doesn’t, I can perform a HALO jump with a group of mercenaries – known as the Black Light Brigade – to ensure everyone gets a good and complete murderin’.

Now, don’t think that I am a diehard fan of “old country.” Sure, I like Johnny Cash (if you don’t like him you suck ass) and maybe Willie and okay, Merle Haggard because that man didn’t give one single fuck about anyone or anything. I can appreciate that. They call country music “white man blues”, which makes me cringe. Jesus god in heaven, do we have to hijack every fucking thing created by black people?

Whoa, hold on Fozz. If you hate this music, how do you know anything about it? Because members of my family like this dreck. My brother in law loves it, and he’s converted my sister and his daughters. This is a disaster. I love all these people, but I’m tempted to cut them out of my life.

But let’s get serious about new country. I want to punch it right in the face because it’s not true to its roots and is devoid of any creativity or feeling. You could get better lyrics throwing a pack of paper and typewriters into a room of Trump supporters. That’s been done by Nazi skinhead bands. Shit. Most of these “songs” are about a redneck at the beach or something and he’s all drunk and just a-havin’ fun. Sometimes he flouts the rules of modern society, what a rebel! What a diseased prick.

These country singers appear to be metrosexuals who are decked out in jeans and t-shirts and straw cowboy hats. These hats are the equivalent of wearing a blinking neon sign which says “asscrack”. It’s prepackaged, homogenized, and banal – shockingly the Dumb of America eat it up like a Value Meal.

(If you are a woman and you are wearing a straw cowboy hat with the sides up, I can only guess that your vagina is the size of a Big Gulp cup and your breasts are hanging bags of silicon that would frighten Dracula. I can buy you two margaritas and then treat you like a farm animal for a few hours.)

New country has also given rise to another fucking pet peeve of mine – Salt Life. I went to the website and I had to down a pint of bourbon to dampen the blind rage I felt. Now I know why every wannabe redneck and airhead bimbo has one of these stupid fucking stickers on their car. Because, like most brands today, the entire idea is based on a lifestyle that fucking doesn’t exist.

(Well, if you’re Jimmy Buffet, it exists and you’re a lucky motherfucker because you are rich and spend a lot of time in nice places fucking young, randy girls. You probably smoke the very best weed in the world. Fuck you, Jimmy.)

This genre is just so prepackaged, combed out nice, and shiny. Do you think Johnny Cash ever used skin care products? No. He was too busy gobbling down handfuls of Black Betties and chasing them with moonshine and whisky. That little putz on the Allstate commercials singing about fucking people buying insurance has probably never even had a beer. He looks like a skinny version of the lead singer of House of Pain. I want to douse that dude’s beard with kerosene and set it on fire.

As for the women who sing new country, they’re bright and shiny and slim and Barbie like. Most of them got their start by blowing Simon Cowell after a taping of American Idol or X Factor or whatever the fuck talent show is airing these days. Maybe they climbed atop Howie Mandell’s ping pong smooth head and shined it up with their bare beavers. Who in fuck knows.

On the other hand, Minnie Pearl was a dowdy country bumpkin with a fucking price tag dangling from her hat, and was as unfuckable as Rosie O’Donnell. Dolly Parton was a dirt-poor lass who later became a glossy superstar, but her giant rack trumped that fact. It still does. Tammy Wynette came from the sticks, penned one of the best fucking country tunes ever.

(Tammy Wynette isn’t in the Grand Teton level on the Fozz Jug-O-Meter, but she has decent enough cakes to get a Bill Clinton nod of approval.)

New country, go  eat a big helping of shit pie. You have contributed nothing to society and given dipshits a soundtrack for their stupid lives.

 

Thing that made me smile

Guardians of the Galaxy Pt 2 trailer. Little Groot is outright hilarious.

 

 

 

 

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

PRO TIP; THE FUCKING STRAW “COWBOY” HATS BURN QUICKLY.

Just something to keep in the back of your mind if the need flares up.

LemonJello
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LemonJello

Re-reading this and I have to add: Cudgel is just a really good word.
comment image
\slaps thesaurus on the ass. Hard.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That is a photo of what Peter King should be fucked with.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show
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Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

They call country music “white man blues”, which makes me cringe.

That’s nothing, Steve Bannon calls Tay-Sachs “Jewwy Sickle-Cell”.

Sharkbait
Member
Sharkbait

Recently, I got into an argument with a friend over whether or not Lynyrd Skynyrd was country. They said yes, citing Sweet Home Alabama. They are wrong.

Also, country sucks slightly less than Roger Goodell. Who, is a national disgrace.

BrettFavresColonoscopy
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Southern rock is good and wholly distinct from country. In my view, the biggest differentiator is twang. Fuck twang.

Beerguyrob
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Hate like this is what I aspire to be.

Cuntler
Member

Chris Stapleton is pretty good, but besides him, yeah.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4zAThXFOy2c

/the wife is a native Texan and country fan, so you learn to tolerate it to a degree. She introduced me to Willie Nelson, and I introduced her to the Dead, so it was a fair trade.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
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Hate like this really warms my heart on this cold winter morn.

blaxabbath
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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

Huh. I DO like that.

Enrico Pallazzo
Member

LOL Luke Bryan is fucking terrible. He wears a baseball cap! He can’t even pretend country enough to get the hat right!

LemonJello
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LemonJello

A Fozz “Post O’Hate” does my dead, black soul some good.

How does one become a member of the Black Light Brigade? I have some work experience that may be translatable.

Also, I agree re: Baby Groot.

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

So much yes to this. I remember the old days of country and the shit now is just like what has happened to “electronic music”. Shit, give me some 80s/90s techno. Or this:

ThursdaySkyGoddess
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ThursdaySkyGoddess

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

LOVE THIS!

blaxabbath
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blaxabbath
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“Most of them got their start by blowing Simon Cowell after a taping of American Idol.”

I have been wondering what to do with that Public Access slot I’ve been applying for….

King Hippo
Member

“You could get better lyrics throwing a pack of paper and typewriters into a room of Trump supporters.”

This is clearly the target demographic, if not the writing team.

And yeah, everytime I see “salt life” or somebody with a “flip flop” decal in their rear window, I want to run them right into a telephone pole.

KILL KILL KILL

yeah right
Member

These are trends that have blissfully not migrated to the free and independent nation of California.

With the road rage we have regulating the roads they probably never will.

BrettFavresColonoscopy
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Wait, Dracula is afraid of bags of silicon? Why?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
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Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
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Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
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Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Three things:

1) (i wanted to go Solitary Man but I post it all the god damn time)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FywSzjRq0e4

2) My brother somehow loves new country

3) You are right about Baby Groot

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I don’t pay much attention to stuff like this, but I went to a “country” bar in SD a few weeks ago (not by my choice) and I think some of this was playing. I don’t really care one way or the other, but it sounded like it was meant to be elevator music, maybe grocery store or dentist office…… bland, formulaic, meaningless, focus group approved.

Yes, those hats are an indicator of my lack of desire to have any interaction with the wearer.

http://68.media.tumblr.com/06e57632a19941fed128e0fd7b2e8b11/tumblr_oitdeu6Dsr1ucbsp6o1_1280.jpg

wpDiscuz