Your 2017 Daytona 500 Open Thread

Horatio Cornblower
Horatio Cornblower

Latest posts by Horatio Cornblower (see all)

My father-in-law is a big NASCAR fan.  Which is weird since he’s in Southern California, (unless he’s been washed away over the last week; come to think of it we should probably call), by way of Connecticut, neither of which are areas particularly known for rickets, poor dentistry, shitty beer or limited genetic pools.  Not that any of those are things that you’d come across in the infield at, say, Talledega.

This picture has nothing to do with racing but:  Holy shit, are you fucking kidding me?

Anyhoo, as you may have noticed today is “Daytona Day!”, a day when kids below the Mason-Dixon line don’t go to school, (because it’s Sunday you see; what, did you think I was taking a cheap shot at Southern education statistics?  Not as bad as you might think!), folks take the plastic covers off the good sofa, chain the coon hounds outside the trailer, turn on the 32″ Philco and crack open whatever beer their favorite driver has plastered all over their cars and settle in for some 3-4 hours of watching guys drive really, really fast while turning left.

We here at DFO don’t seem to pay much attention to NASCAR, even though two of our more prolific contributors live in North Carolina and are probably legally obligated to at least have the TV turned on to the race, even if at least one of ’em is up on his roof trying to tune in an Everton FA Cup game replay and the other one is at an NC State baseball intrasquad scrimmage.  But to the great unwashed masses who follow the “sport” of auto-racing, (sorry, it’s not a sport if the main factor differentiating the winners from the losers is how good your equipment is), this is THE DAY.  Which is also weird, because it’s like if the NFL started with the Super Bowl, (which would have been great this year because Brady would’ve been suspended), or baseball started with the World Series.  It makes no sense.

After shitting all over NASCAR you’d think I wouldn’t be caught dead watching it but you would be wrong.  I will definitely check it out.  I will argue it’s not a sport.  I will make fun of a large percentage of the fan base.  I will say, with a straight face, that us Connecticut elitists would never stoop to such trivial entertainment, conveniently forgetting that friends of mine race on short tracks in this state, that going to races is really fun, (but bad for your hearing), and that one of NASCAR’s current bests, Joey Logano, is originally from Connecticut.

In a related note, have you ever noticed that the most extensively researched Wikipedia articles are inevitably about pro wrestlers or NASCAR drivers?  There’s a comment there about society, and it’s probably not good.

I’m not going to watch the entire race, and I’m going to be sober for (most of) the day, and I’ll drink better beer when it’s time to stop that, and I will go outside and my wife has made some promising comments about what’s going to happen when my daughter leaves for a concert later today, (although let’s face it, there will be longer pit stops in the race; that poor woman), but I will tune in.  Because no matter how stupid it seems on the surface or how redneck the fans are there is something fantastic about huge pieces of colorful metal storming around a corner at 140 mph and then revving to 180 on the straightaway while 8″ away from two other huge pieces of colorful metal doing the same thing.

 

YEEEEEEE-HAWWWWWWWWWW!

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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litre_cola

So much content. REally making up for no football.

ballsofsteelandfury

Today’s #contentkakke continues with an Oscars open thread, right?

I expect Buddy to make some banner material jokes in that one…

Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!
Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!

I couldn’t care less about the Oscars, honestly.

I’ve seen more self-aware circle jerks trudging through the Castro district on angel dust.

ballsofsteelandfury

And that’s what I’m looking for!

Fwiw, i hate the Oscars.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The thing about code samples that you find online is that THEY DON’T FUCKING WORK. NONE OF THEM FUCKING WORK.

Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!
Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!

I have listened to a lot of Stern, and my God, this is easily top 5 all-time for me.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I spent the last 90 minutes trying to do work and watching the BFG on a plane. You can guess which held my attention more. Either is better than watching a bunch of rednecks turn left.

Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!
Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!

I swear, Deadspin has burrowed into my brain because as much as I hate it, it became such a habit whenever I got bored to go onto it to waste time.

Every other day, there is a crosspost from Jezebel or Kotaku that is the personification of “IDGAF”. I don’t care about e-sports, sorry.

Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

It’s worse! They have a new vertical for e-sports.

Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!
Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!

I know there’s so much money in it that professional sports teams are investing in their own, but man I just will never get into it.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Yeah, I still go there out of habit and then get into a blinding rage reading most posts. And Jezebel crossposts are infinitely better than accidentally reading a Hamilton Nolan screed.

Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!
Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!

Ugh, Denton fucks us all in the ass.

Thank God Magary has an RSS feed. For all the shit he gets for being hyperbolic, Drew is by far the most grounded person writing for that site.

And HamNo is the epitome of, “That’s great…. you don’t know how the world works,”

Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!
Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!

Left turns and men ramming each other in Daytona?

Sounds like Buddy giving reacharounds at Spring Break ’96!

theeWeeBabySeamus

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Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

So an in-race commercial for a commercial free segment that lasted all of 5 laps?

Goodell has much to learn.

Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

And the commercial break following that segment lasted 4 laps. Impressive stuff.

Shogun Marcus

I don’t remember asking for Cars 3. Send it back and give the budget to Studio Ghibli.

Spanky Datass
Spanky Datass

I really enjoy the addition of land mines in the infield grass at Daytona. BOOM!

Shogun Marcus

Their sod budget must be epic!

ballsofsteelandfury

One of these days, the 500 will end with ten cars on the track.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Shogun Marcus

It’s about to.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
ballsofsteelandfury

So much for Jimmy.

This is actually why I consider Daytona and Talladega to be the Charlie Kelly races.

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Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

Awww… i get up for one snack…

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Shogun Marcus

I am a fan of most motorsport seeing as I grew up around it and doing it for awhile as a kid. I’m checking in between various cleaning jobs. This new format is meh.

King Hippo

Nay, I is flipping between Xavier/Butler and Wiscy/Sparty and trying not to fall the fuck asleep. My racist grandpa (complete with spit cup) would approve of the thought, though. If only he hadn’t been ded for like 30-odd years.

Being in his living room by the fireplace (naturally, the rest of the house was like 58 degrees) was the only time I’ve ever watched cars in a circle.

My non-racist (well, as non-racist as an AL native can be, he at least didn’t mean any ill towards anyone) grandpa only watched good old footbaw and dirt footbaw. He’d humor me with basketball because of his good nature, at least until Hee Haw hour.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

So long Shrub!

ballsofsteelandfury

Awww… i take one shower…

ballsofsteelandfury

LA DFOers: anyone interested in going to the Fontana race with me?

ballsofsteelandfury

18 wins the first points of the year!

/ yes, i will become insufferable

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Become?

ballsofsteelandfury

WOOOOOO!!!!

Did anyone crank it up?

/not being sarcastic

Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

Darn tooting. Haven’t turned it down yet either.

ballsofsteelandfury

It really is quite amazing the noise they make. You can feel it in your bones.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

“sorry, it’s not a sport if the main factor differentiating the winners from the losers is how good your equipment is”

So that’s why porn isn’t a sport then?

ballsofsteelandfury

Who says it’s not?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That was funny.