Offseason Quotables: Road to the Final Four (Submissions)

blaxabbath

blaxabbath

I sat on a jury years ago, 2nd degree attempted murder case. One day the defendant wore sneakers with his suit to court. It was that day I knew he was guilty.
blaxabbath

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Lemme guess – your bracket is busted and you absolutely hate at least one team going to the final four? If not, eat one. Just be quiet and start thinking about how you’re going to use your bracket pool earning because you’re in an elite group and you know how this country feels about the elite.

I don’t vote so I don’t complain.

As it were, I’m in a bracket pool with all Arizona homers so I’m still competitive.

Wait. Stop.

See how those words made up a sentence that you didn’t care about? Heed that lesson. No one cares about your busted bracket either.

A couple weeks ago I went to the indian casino with my buddy for some blackjack. Dude at our table was about the most annoying/useless savant ever. He couldn’t count cards or foresee what would come if you hit…but he could explain how the hands would have been going if that couple hadn’t stepped away from the table 15 minutes ago. He was terrible. Don’t be him re: your bracket (especially when it’s online and everyone in your group can see how you did).

Yeah — so here’s your pre-FF Offseason Quotables.


Northwestern Coach Chris Collins reacts to hearing the NCAA’s statement on the blown goaltending call against Gonzaga.

Browns-inspired uniforms. Browns-inspired play.

The embarrassing thing for this kid is that his dad ties his sweatshirt around his waist.

Man, I miss AI.

Thank goodness old white men don’t have to feel afraid anymore….

Oh Vern….

Just gonna tee this up right here….

Always a palate cleanser.

blaxabbath
blaxabbath

I sat on a jury years ago, 2nd degree attempted murder case. One day the defendant wore sneakers with his suit to court. It was that day I knew he was guilty.

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[…] Offseason Quotables: Road to the Final Four (Submissions) – March 28, 2017 […]

Unsurprised
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Unsurprised

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I know I’m like thrice his age, but I want to punch this kid in the face so much.

JerBear50
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JerBear50

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Well I’ll be damned– balls to the face during an ND game, I just assume there’s a quarterback involved.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Unsurprised
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Unsurprised

Fuck this kid. No woman ever will.

Bloody Lethal
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Bloody Lethal

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That crossover is a high-heel-breaker.

LemonJello
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LemonJello

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“Lemme get this straight; refs fucked up, it hurt my team, but nothing will done about it because the NCAA is a national disgrace second only to Roger Fucking Goodell? Makes as much sense as anything in this Trumpian dystopia we’re living in.”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Unsurprised
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Unsurprised

Looks like Jerry Sandusky as the cops approached with the handcuffs

LemonJello
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LemonJello

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“THIS PLAY, I CALL AN ALABAMA FAMILY REUNION BECAUSE A COUSINFUCKER JAMMED IT HOME AND SCORED!”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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LemonJello
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LemonJello

When can we start hunting these assholes for sport?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Unsurprised
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Unsurprised

Not soon enough

LemonJello
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LemonJello

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“MOM FOUND MY MIDGET MILF PORN STASH, THIS IS SOOOO BAD!”

Unsurprised
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Unsurprised

Yeah … “His”

LemonJello
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LemonJello

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Announcer: “She got faked out so bad, I think her gender changed!”
Commentator: “…”
Director: “Cut to commercial!”

LemonJello
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LemonJello

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“See, back in ‘Nam, this is how I cleaned out that entire village of goo-”
“You were in the Peace Corps, fer chrissakes!”

LemonJello
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LemonJello

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“THIS VERN LUNDQUIST, I CALL NEW TO PORN BECAUSE HE DIDN’T EXPECT TO TAKE BIG BALLS TO THE FACE!”

Game Time Decision
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Game Time Decision

this is sooo much better than my balls to the face joke.

LemonJello
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LemonJello

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“Ah, I get why tWBS and Hippo call U*NC the “Holes” now.”

King Hippo
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CHUH CHUH

LemonJello
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LemonJello

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“Hey brah, what are you doing looking at my girl like that?”

LemonJello
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LemonJello

I was all excited (non-Viagra-type) to see Quotables, then I read all the responses.

You Glorious Bastards! I may have an HR meeting tomorrow from laughing as loud as I just did.

Worth it.

Still going to try and come up with something for these

Trevor Semen
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Trevor Semen

Northwestern kid: When you ask your mom to get you a 10 piece McNugget meal but she only gets you an 8 piece, with a FUCKING SMALL FRIES AND DRINK.

Unsurprised
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Unsurprised

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DAT ASS

Game Time Decision
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Game Time Decision

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Rodger Goodell has fined James Harrison $50,000 for this hit on a defenseless player

Game Time Decision
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Game Time Decision

not sure how i missed this before, but just realized that it’s women’s basketball in the clip. smh

Bloody Lethal
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Bloody Lethal

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This is the most Lemon Party gif I’ve ever seen.

Game Time Decision
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Game Time Decision

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Aaron Rodgers heard that there was a ball to the face and was interested.

BrettFavresColonoscopy
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That’s the look of a dog sick of licking gravy off of people’s balls

Game Time Decision
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Game Time Decision

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Trump: we’re going to build a wall
Trump: between the USA and Mexico
Trump: it’s going to be YUUUUUUGE
Trump: and Mexico is going to pay for it all

/ducks

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
BrettFavresColonoscopy
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Coach Harbaugh would have used a real gun

BrettFavresColonoscopy
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This is why Roy had to leave Kansas; no dancing allowed in the whole state

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
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I haven’t seen college basketball players in orange uniforms look so uncomfortable with what they have been tasked to do since Laurie Fine told the starting Syracuse frontcourt she wanted to be “as airtight as that basketball over there”.

BrettFavresColonoscopy
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If anyone’s used to rolling on the ground going after their neighbors’ balls, it’s West Virginians

BrettFavresColonoscopy
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Broken ankles, like anything involving a uterus, are not covered by the Republican health care plan

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
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I haven’t seen someone with such high expectations so hopelessly distraught over something completely unrealistic since my last online date.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Kinda glad in a way the Sandusky joke didn’t go here.

BrettFavresColonoscopy
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Same look Roger Goodell had when he was told he couldn’t make Troy Vincent battle DeMaurice Smith to the death

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
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I haven’t seen so much lead sprayed in a Michigan locker room since Gilbert Arenas came to town.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Flint water has it all.

BrettFavresColonoscopy
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The new “Ernest Goes to the NCAA Tournament” porn parody leaves a lot to be desired.

BrettFavresColonoscopy
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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
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I haven’t seen such a strong association between the words “Butler” and “Doggystyle” since Melania announced that she’d remain living in Trump Tower with the original household staff.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
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“GIVE THAT FAN A PICCOLO!”

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
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When I tried to do this in the Michigan girls locker room after a big win, I got berated, pummeled and arrested. DOUBLE STANDARD, LADIES!

ballsofsteelandfury
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Vern now knows how his wives felt when they 69ed.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
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The difference being, they saw it coming and the pain lasted much longer.

SonOfSpam
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If you’re blue and you don’t know where to go to why don’t you go where fashion sits

(door flies open)

Eric Montross: PUTTIN ON A RIIIIIZ

yeah right
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Super DUPER!

Bloody Lethal
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Bloody Lethal
Unsurprised
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Unsurprised

I hope not

SonOfSpam
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He’ll have the same reaction when this little asshole gets a ForeRunner instead of a Range Rover for his 16th birthday.

SonOfSpam
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With the victory wrapped up, the Michigan players had plenty of time for rehearsals of “Richard McBeef: The Musical”

Bloody Lethal
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Bloody Lethal

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Chris Collins listens to my girlfriend talk about her day.

Bloody Lethal
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Bloody Lethal

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The dang dog got in the way I was trying to see some pussy.

Enrico Pallazzo
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Collins: TFW you find out that your real dad, Bill Paxton, is dead.

Enrico Pallazzo
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“Oh sure, when Beilein squirts his boys in the locker room with his gun it’s fun, but when I do it it’s life in prison!”–Jerry Sandusky

Unsurprised
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Unsurprised

Fuck

sunrisesunrise
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Dan Akroyd was unavailable to reprise his role as a wild and crazy guy.

JerBear50
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JerBear50

I’m almost positive that’s not true.

sunrisesunrise
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Old white man shoots up locker room full of unpaid laborers. False flag operation. These are all just crisis actors.

ArmedandHammered
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ArmedandHammered

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I thought that level of disappointment should be reserved for Mormon wedding nights.

ArmedandHammered
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ArmedandHammered

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That explanation must have made him remember his last prostate exam.

entropy
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#3: “They said Iron Fist was the worst of the Netflix shows, but THIS IS SO BAD!”

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