Editor’s Note:  Welcome to the second installment of the glorious NOGALES WEEK!!!  (crickets chirping) …  Yeah well, anyway… Fair warning, if you haven’t begun reading this insanity before now, or even if you’re just not fully caught up, trust me this is not the jumping in point.  Holee Molee.  Go here if you need edumacation to get up to speed.

–

The two walk along the street, silently for a few minutes while tWBS tries to adjust the small book which now resides in his underpants and is decidedly uncomfortable against his junk.

balls:  You OK there?

tWBS:  Trying to be.

balls:  Is this a Mónica thing?

tWBS:  Not that I know of.

balls:  So are we crossing back into Mexico now?

tWBS:  No not yet.  I want to show you something.  How do you feel about architecture?

balls:  Like you mean in general or….?

tWBS:  Does it interest you, I mean?  You know what, never mind.  We’re going there anyway.

The two walk a few more minutes, then they come upon an old stone building.

tWBS:  This is the old Santa Cruz County Courthouse.  Pretty cool, huh?

balls:  Wow, it really is.

tWBS:  All the stone was quarried not far from here and transported to the site.  You know, back before there were big trucks n junk.  But that’s not all.  You ever heard of the Juan Bautista De Anza National Historic Trail?

balls:  No.  Should I have?

tWBS:  Well, we’re not in Mexico right now, so I guess I won’t give you too much shit.  Anyway, it starts over there.  It’s a trail that commemorates this Bautista dude taking off from here with a small group of people, and heading north and starting the first non-native settlement in San Francisco.  This is like in the 1770’s and stuff.

balls:  So you’re telling me that a big part of the population in San Francisco is probably descended from a tiny number of people from Nogales?  And are therefore probably inbred cretins?

tWBS:  That’s what I’m telling you.

balls:  That explains a lot.

tWBS:  Right?

Suppressing laughter, the two stand in silence for a moment.  Eventually they turn to face one another…

balls:

tWBS:

–

Ten minutes later the two approach the pedestrian port of entry back into Mexico…

balls:  What’s with all the bars? I feel like I’m at a Mexican soccer game.

tWBS:  It’s to keep your Mom from….you know what?  Never mind.  Just go to the left or the right and push.

balls:  You didn’t really just say that?

tWBS:  Just go.

The two pass thru the turnstiles….

balls:  Wow, there’s no line.

tWBS:  No shit.  Nobody is trying to get IN to Mexico.  *sigh* …. Sorry that was low blow.

balls:  Said your Mom.

tWBS:  OK, when we go thru those doors there may or may not be a mean looking guy in a uniform when we turn that corner.  That’s Mexican customs.  Probably a 50/50 shot he’s there or not.  But…..and I’m serious about this….whether he’s there or not, just keep walking even if he says something to you.  Understand?

balls:  Really?

tWBS:  Yes, really.

The two exit the doors and turn the corner.  The chair and desk where the Mexican customs dude sometimes sits is currently empty.

balls:  Wow.

tWBS:  Told ya.

balls:  So, where to?

tWBS:  Well we’ve got some time before….well….we’ve got some time.  And we need to make a couple of stops.  Wanna check out the local flavor?

balls:  These aren’t the kind of stops that are going to get me shot at again, are they?

tWBS:  Almost definitely not.

balls:  That’s about the best answer I could hope for.  Let’s go.

tWBS:  Cool.  We need to make a quick stop at the Farmacia first.

balls:  Which one?  Every other storefront is a Farmacia.

tWBS:  True.  But we’re going to that one.  I need to see a guy about….well, I need to see a guy.

The two walk into the Farmacias Benavides, and not surprisingly….

Dude Behind The Counter:  ¡¡Oh Dios mío!!

tWBS:  Oh Come on Manuel!!!!!!  You too???

Manuel (laughing):  Haha…I’m only teasing you.  I knew you were coming.

tWBS:  Whoa, wait?  You knew?

Manuel:  Leticia called me a couple of hours ago.  She said you might show up.  She said you might need some help.  She’s really pissed at you, eh?  She called you….

tWBS:  I don’t need to know.  So can you help us?

tWBS hands the folded sheet of paper to Manuel.

Manuel (opening the sheet):  What is this?

Manuel reads the notes scribbled on the paper.

Manuel:  You are serious?

tWBS:  Oh yes.  Very.

Manuel:  This might take some time.  She is not here.

tWBS:  Wait, what do you mean she’s not here.

Manuel:  No, I mean…. (points at the sheet of paper) ….  She is not HERE.  Hasn’t been for a long time.  But I can track her down.  But it might cost you.

tWBS:  That cheat.  (turns to balls) ….  Luis gave us a bad steer.

balls:  Well to be fair, you did cheat him first.

tWBS:  Shut up.  (to Manuel) ….  How long….how much?

Manuel:  Hard to say.  A few hours at least.  Not sure how much.

tWBS takes the note back from Manuel, grabs a pen from the counter and jots his cell # on it.  He hands it back to Manuel.

tWBS:  We’ll be close by.  Call me as soon as you get anything.

Manuel:  OK, I’ll get on it.

The two exit the Farmacia, and tWBS is visibly shaken.

tWBS:  Damn you, Luis.

balls:  Dude, what’s wrong?  Like I said you cheated him first.  It happens.  Manuel said he could….

tWBS:  Yeah, Manuel says a lot of things when money is involved.  Not that I’m judging, but consider the source.  And it’s not about the bad information Luis gave me.  It’s about WHY he gave it to me and what it will….you know what?  Never mind.  Let’s go shopping!!!!!

The two walk along, window shopping more or less, for a while….

balls:  Wow, this isn’t as bad as I expected.  It’s kinda quaint, in fact.

tWBS:  Oh really?  Quaint, huh?  Hang a right up here, then turn into the second storefront on the right….

balls:  My apologies. There is the border town chic I expected.

tWBS:  Ha!!!  And yes a lot of it is.  But honestly, that’s what I enjoy about this place.  It is what it is.  No apologies.  Hey your Priest in Santa Rosalía was right, huh?

balls:  I don’t think that’s what he meant.

tWBS:  It was a joke, Dude.  (points across the street) … Holy shit….he’s still here.  This guy is a local artist.  He’s got some really cool shit in here

tWBS crosses the street and enters the small shop.  balls follows.

tWBS:  Wow, this brings back some memories.  This guy made me a hand crafted chess board and chess pieces carved from stone once.  Like no shit….he made it by hand.  Took him a couple of months to finish it and then he wouldn’t take more than $50 for it.  Can you imagine?

A voice rings out from the rear of the shop….

Artist Dude:  ¡Mi amigo! Ha sido mucho tiempo!

tWBS turns to see a smiling and familiar face.

tWBS (smiling):  Daniel!!  Finally, someone who is happy to see me and doesn’t blaspheme themselves merely at the sight of me!!

Daniel:  Ha!!  Still making friends I see?

tWBS:  I do what I can.  Speaking of which  (turns to balls) ….  This is my very good friend balls.  He’s Mexican like you!!!

Daniel:  Haha, you haven’t changed a bit.  (turning to balls) …. It’s nice to meet you balls.  Has he almost killed you yet?

balls:  Actually, yes.

Daniel:  Nice.  Don’t worry, he hasn’t actually killed anyone.  He just likes to talk big.  He’s kind of a big pussy.

tWBS:  Hey!!!!

Daniel and tWBS laugh.  balls looks more nervous than ever.

Daniel:  So it’s been a long time.  I thought you moved back east.

tWBS:  I did.  But balls and I kinda had some pressing business so…here I am.

Daniel:  Pressing business?  In Nogales?  Should I ask?

tWBS:  Probably not.

Daniel:  Haha!!  As I said, you haven’t changed a bit.  Hey did you see that they finally got the art museum opened?

tWBS:  No shit?  Hell no, we didn’t go by there yet.

Daniel:  Oh you have to go see it.  That building is so….well, you know.  But I’ve got some stuff on loan to them.  It’s mostly a local artist thing…at least for now.

tWBS:  Better yet.

Another customer comes in.

tWBS:  Go, sell.  It was good to see you.

Daniel:  Yes.  Not so long next time, OK.

tWBS:  I’ll try.  Take care of yourself.

The two hug it out and then tWBS and balls walk out and back onto the street corner.  tWBS thinks for a moment then says….

tWBS:  It’s a little out of our way, but Manuel will be another couple of hours at least probably.  Want to look at some art?

balls:  Not really.

tWBS:  Great!!  Let’s go!!!

balls:  But….

balls stops talking because tWBS has already turned and is walking in the other direction.

balls (following behind because…no choice):  Shit.

–

Fifteen minutes later, the two come upon a very oddly-structured….structure.

tWBS:  Don’t worry.  We’re not going in.  But holy shit, Daniel wasn’t kidding.  They finally did it.

balls:  Did what?

tWBS:  See that building over there?  The one that looks like the worst designed spaceship ever has crashed into the ground?

tWBS:  That building has been around for a while and over the years has been used for just about everything at one time or another.  Now it’s the Museo de Arte de Nogales.

tWBS:  Very cool.  Wow, it looks so different now.  (to balls) … You know when this building was first commissioned, it was intended to be an art museum to begin with.  Then it got built and a bunch of red tape happened and it just kinda…..Hey…why aren’t you talking?

balls:  I’m hunnnnngryyy.

tWBS:  Fine, ya whiny baby.  Let’s head back and find a place to grab a drink and some food while we wait.

–

The walk back is pleasant and the duo take in the sights…

balls:  I’m beginning to think maybe we’ve judged this place too harshly.

tWBS:  Yeah, I think you might be right.  Hey, what do you want to eat?

balls, staring at every ass he sees, says nothing, but his smirk says it all.

tWBS:  Dude, food.  Concentrate here, would ya?

balls:  I AM concentrating.

tWBS:  BALLS!!

balls:  Fine, fine…how about Mexican?

tWBS:  Jeez, we just get more and more cliche with this thing, don’t we?  But yeah, shockingly I do know a good Mexican place in Nogales.  Follow me.

The two walk another minute and turn into a narrow stone entry way which opens up into a small courtyard with a fountain…

balls:  Hey, this is pretty neat looking.

tWBS:  Food’s good too.  Wanna sit out here, or in the dining room?

balls:  It’s a nice evening, let’s sit outside.

The two sit and quickly the waitress arrives to take their order.  The food comes quickly and it’s good.

The two begin eating as if they’d never seen food before, but just as quickly hit the wall.

balls:  Jeez man, I’m stuffed.  I don’t think I can finish.

tWBS:  Me neither.  I think I need a nap.

balls:  Not me.  I need the bathroom.  (gets up, laughing) … and I might be a while.

tWBS:  Good luck…?

balls excuses himself to go take a massive dump.

tWBS:  Jeebus, I thought he’d never leave. (to their waitress) … Señora????

The waitress hustles over, and as she arrives, tWBS reaches into his pants.  She stops in her tracks and gives him the look one might expect…

tWBS:  Oh, no no…no no no…

tWBS whips it out…..

The waitress is visibly relieved, but says….

Waitress:  That really doesn’t make it better.

tWBS begins frantically explaining.  He tells her what the Holy Trio told him as best he can in his Spanglish version of what passes for his memory.

tWBS:  But what I can’t figure out is why someone would want to lead me to my El Camino?  I DON’T OWN AN EL CAMINO!!!!

Waitress:  Wow, you’re really a fucking dumbass.

tWBS: WHY DOES EVERYONE KEEP SAYING THAT???

Waitress:  Mal Camino, Gringo.  MAL…Camino.  Bad way…bad path.

tWBS:  Wow, yeah.  That does make more sense.

The waitress walks away giggling (“what a fucking dumbass”)

Just then, balls returns….

balls:  So, we finally up to speed now?

Much too late, because obviously balls has already sat back down, spoken and seen the book…tWBS turns and throws it across the courtyard and into the fountain.  He turns back.

tWBS:  Soooo…I don’t suppose there’s any chance you temporarily went blind for the past 30 seconds?

balls only shakes his head.

tWBS:  Fiiiine, let’s go upstairs and I’ll tell you.  (to the waitress) …  Señora??  Can we shift our tab upstairs to El Balcon?

Waitress:  Whatever you say, dumbass.

tWBS (to balls):  OK seriously….that shit’s really beginning to piss me off now.

balls only giggles.  The two grab their beers and head upstairs.  They step out onto the balcony and take a seat.

balls:  Wow, this is really pretty cool.  How’d you find this place?

tWBS:  I didn’t.  This was Leticia’s favorite place in Nogales.  We had our first date here…or at least what passed for a date all things considered at the time.  Like I said, it was complicated.

balls:  Yeah, that much I already got.

tWBS:  Distance is one thing.  Additional complications and an international border kinda makes things all the more difficult.

balls:  I didn’t ask.

tWBS:  You asked how I found the place.  STFU.

tWBS thinks for a moment, then continues….

tWBS:  OK, now listen.  I kinda went a little loopy once we got into Mexico.  I got a charge from seeing old sights.  And new ones too.  And it made me want to be “that guy” again.  But it was for a good cause.  Or so I thought.  I wanted to give you a gift.  Something you’ve always wanted.  Something you’d always cherish.  Unfortunately, things got messed up because I’m not “that guy” anymore.  I was off my game from the beginning.

balls:  What are you talking about?

tWBS:  When I went back in that church in Santa Rosalía, I had….I guess it was a vision.  I was warned about something but because of my shitty ear for Spanish, I guess I didn’t hear it correctly.  At first I thought I was being warned about you, but that didn’t make sense because you don’t own an El Camino.

balls:  Again with the El Camino, huh?

tWBS:  Bear with me.  Also I still find that joke funny.  Anyway, then I thought it might be Luis I was being warned about.  But you saw his red pickup.  He doesn’t drive an El Camino either.

balls:  Dude, forget about the fucking El Camino angle and concentrate.  Besides, think about it for a minute.  Luis wouldn’t have double crossed you at that point.  He thought you really had the key.  If he didn’t, or if he was trying to rip you off before you could rip him off, he would have just killed you.  Right?

tWBS:  Yeah.  That’s sound logic.

balls:  So?

tWBS:  I dunno man.  The only other person…..

tWBS falls silent for a moment, then continues….

tWBS: …..Son of a bitch!!!!!!

tWBS gets up and runs from the bar without saying another word.  balls only sits, dumbstruck…

Ten minutes later, tWBS runs back in, out of breath and doubled over…

tWBS:  This is…..bad, man.  This…is…bad.  Farmacia….closed.  Oh shit….I think I’m dying here

balls:  Wait, what?

tWBS (gasping for air):  It’s Manuel.  His Farmacia is closed.  It’s too early.  He’d never close this early.  Still too many blue hairs lurking around looking to buy heart pills in bulk.  (grabs his chest) …. Shit I think I might need some myself.

balls:  What are you talking about???

tWBS:  He told me she wasn’t at that place anymore.  He lied.  His place is locked up early because he’s going there himself.  For her.

balls:  OK, ok….for who?

tWBS:  Shit.  Fine….gimme your bag.

balls:  No.

tWBS:  Just trust me for once.

balls reluctantly hands over his paper luggage to tWBS.  tWBS reaches in and pulls out a photo and hands the bag back to balls.

balls:  Ummmmm….Exactly how the fuck did you manage to just do that???

tWBS:  I’ve been practicing while you’re sleeping.  Sorry.  I was gonna tell you, but….

balls:  Just show me the photo.

tWBS:  I will but….

balls:  SHOW ME THE PHOTO!!!

tWBS says nothing more, but lays the photo face down on the table between them.  balls picks it up, looks at it, says nothing for a moment, lays the photo back onto the table and says…

balls:  Oh GODDAMMIT!!!!!

To Be Continued…