These are despairing times. The present has become anticipating the worst possible outcome in the foreseeable future. Or, for Jets fans, on draft day in a couple of weeks.
We’re into Month #3 of the offseason. Delaying the draft has proven to create an unbearable vacuum of news and rumors after the two initial weeks of free agency. All worthwhile angles on available Names (Adrian Peterson, Jay Cutler, Kaep…) have been exhausted. We got “Roethlisberger mulling retirement” stuff that couldn’t have gotten less credence if it were leaked through the White House. The Seahawks are shopping Richard Sherman—a story that seems to have some legs in light of a perfect storm of this being an allegedly DB-rich draft and Sherman’s 2016 assholishness clashing with the team’s usual prickhood. Wake me when he’s tied to a Browns trade offer; maybe by then I’d have enough spirit to use this:
Via @nugpapi
Right now, he NFL is doing everything short of hiring apiary consultants to create buzz. The league announced that it will announce tomorrow the 2017 preseason schedule. Of course, that is just to create anticipation about the release of the regular season schedule—the date of which is unknown and stands to be milked vigorously despite the lack of suspense regarding opponents and home / away assignments.
I do get excited about the schedule release, only to then get worked up about us non-NFC East fans being banged out of some prime time games and the Titans being relegated to the Early Games Sunday Morass. I’ll gladly take the schedule release over the Combine and all predraft analysis, which to me are as concrete and enthusing as a sonogram picture.
If I had my way, flexing for SNF should begin at Week 6. I can’t see much consensus around the teams pushing for MNF flexing, so just leave it for proven teams or rivalry games: have twice the team that won the last Super Bowl, Ravens-Steelers (please, NEVER put this matchup on non-Thanksgiving TNF), Saints-Falcons, or any divisional permutation from the NFC North and AFC West. I could really go for a Bears @ Vikings game right now. Sigh. SIGH, I say.
The NBA tonight has four games, but with six teams out of the playoffs. Here ya go, you sickos:
Mavericks (OUT) @ Suns (OUT) (5:00 PM Central)
Rockets @ Kings (OUT) (5:00 PM Central – NBA TV)
Pistons (OUT) @ Grizzlies (5:00 PM Central)
Timberwolves (OUT) @ Lakers (OUT) (8:30 PM Central – NBA TV)
MLB… Hey, just one!
Marlins (Volquez, 0-0) at Mets (Syndegaard, 0-0) – ESPN, 7:00 PM Central
MLS—oooh, this is getting easy:
Sporting Kansas City – Colorado Rapids (FS1 – 6:00 PM Central)
On the NHL, I have it on good authority that today is the last day of the regular season. There are seven games, featuring six eliminated teams. The national telecast are on TSN, the others I assigned by inference:
Avalanche (OUT) @ Blues (Uzbek Stream – 5:00 PM Central)
Blue Jackets @ Maple Leafs (TSN – 5:00 PM Central)
Penguins @ Rangers (OWN – 6:00 PM Central)
Hurricanes (OUT) @ Flyera (OUT) (COM – 6:00 PM Central)
Panthers (OUT) @ Capitals (BANG – 6:00 PM Central)
Kings (OUT) @ Ducks (#LiveTweets from @UKKingsCrew – 7:30 PM Central)
Canucks (OUT) @ Oilers (TSN – 8:00 PM Central)
Oh man, tonight is Slim Pickings City. I would suggest movies for tonight. I bet they are showing “Coming to America” somewhere.
Via 80’s Memory Lane on F*c*b**k
That is one of the most pleasant rewatchs around, perfect for dicking around your phone every time the love-interest development scenes are on. The other movie that I’d watch right now is “Dig!” (available on the Internet for free? Maybe!), a documentary on kickass bands The Dandy Warhols and The Brian Jonestown Masaccre, filmed over several years. It is thrilling and depressing, but you get stuff like ”I’ve never seen them eat. All they do is drink and snort drugs”: that is how the BJM is described by the Dandys frontman. The film is heavy on professional and emotional meltdowns without manufactured regret, which makes it an instant must-watch for Redacted fans.
I look forward to being sleepy. April blows.
http://68.media.tumblr.com/5b219affd2d035786602e77cbb4b554b/tumblr_mp4baiKdsp1snmmclo1_500.gif
http://68.media.tumblr.com/a32241cfaad258dba420d7fd5669c2af/tumblr_ndkh6tMecR1rqezvyo2_400.gif
http://68.media.tumblr.com/b8605316937494ddec30811914f32723/tumblr_oo6b7trpIG1qmob6ro1_400.gif
http://68.media.tumblr.com/238c90e678e723f95fbac91db0cdf9a9/tumblr_om4s0zWUFy1s4y50no1_1280.jpg
BREXIT foretold ….
http://68.media.tumblr.com/3168a3a5970300ab1ee52dc3ea4ba9dd/tumblr_o3udylmGVi1tki7xko1_400.jpg
http://68.media.tumblr.com/7b88d45a206168b86f0baa23ebf98a5b/tumblr_moyptmxIZs1snmmclo1_500.gif
Pffft. #HunchLife
There’s no science in mah gut. Ppl forget that
http://68.media.tumblr.com/0ada1ad74bbc422e9533cefd8415c9a9/tumblr_o1bika5roa1s01qkyo1_400.gif
http://68.media.tumblr.com/365bec19e378e9c2c17a46f8b7998073/tumblr_mnscuqHPmY1qa0uc2o9_1280.jpg
http://68.media.tumblr.com/b8c85580b314eee358be22cc28c0c8db/tumblr_o1bika5roa1s01qkyo4_400.gif
I may have too much time on my hands. Or I don’t, but I procrastinate a fuckload.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3DNQJE8eHjw
http://images.dailykos.com/images/148074/large/Virtual-tour-of-a-B36-cockpit.jpg?1434125270
http://68.media.tumblr.com/05125fbf1ec81c7ff04da52344f5e07b/tumblr_nnslz0yGsA1rbrhnko1_500.gif
It’s damn near impossible to find an interesting baseball gif.
Unrelated, but fuck Duke forever.
http://cdn3.sbnation.com/imported_assets/1011175/dukefootballagonyofdefeat_medium.gif
http://www.gifbin.com/bin/1232905640_bird%20gets%20pitched.gif
Fuck Randy Johnson, too. That bird was innocent!
That bird killed my brother
This required better accuracy than opening that bottle below.
http://cdn3.sbnation.com/imported_assets/1011052/nflfavredong_medium.gif
Never 4get
http://cdn0.sbnation.com/imported_assets/1011127/whatthefuck4c0b9_medium.gif
Dave?
Sorry to be the bearer of bad new, bro.
Bonus JLH
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=koJlIGDImiU&feature=youtu.be&t=1m3s
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jHbJxpDGLsM
http://68.media.tumblr.com/443bcf31ccf4595c35d2bad91f8f827d/tumblr_oneow8hjkF1rrm03lo1_1280.jpg
damn it.
LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’ll never not hear this in my head evar again.
/clicks +1 button repeatedly to no avail
Here we go again…..
http://thefappeningblog.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/06/Sara-Underwood-Sexy-2.gif
http://www.pbh2.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2015/05/Balloon-Blowing-Contest.gif
http://www.pbh2.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/funny-gif-nobody-got-time-for-that.gif
http://www.pbh2.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2015/05/Panties-Game.gif
I think I’d prefer the return trip.
This guy who lives 2 streets away has parked his fucking car outside of my condo and his fucking alarm goes off every half an hour. I am Fozz level angry. I want to put a rock through it so it has a reason to wail away.
http://68.media.tumblr.com/33707f3371402b86b12fb188294ec52c/tumblr_moz7i99xZy1snmmclo1_250.gif
Just make sure the rock doesn’t have any fingerprints. And stay out of the footprint of any possible security cameras.
I mean, uh … Violence is never the answer.
Never use a rock. Use ice. Leaves no evidence.
Where’s he going to find ice in Canada?
It could be happening. I may get a battle of Alberta in the 1st round of the Ice football playoffs!
We’re all very happy for you, I’m sure.
Now get yer great white north arse into poker.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Jm4LoOaAWI
Besides…the Caps will be masters of their domain. No wasting the President’s Trophy this year goddammit.
http://www.reactiongifs.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/yea-k.gif
Fuq you guys.
Now come play poker.
http://img.pandawhale.com/post-32322-Bender-haha-gif-Futurama-Oh-wa-PgCH.gif
http://www.reactiongifs.com/lol/goodone1.gif
http://thefappeningblog.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/06/Sara-Underwood-Sexy-2.gif
Good evening Fuckers
evening.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NQGaUIIXhjQ
Old people suck
I’m old enough to remember not having cable, but my family was pretty poor. does that make me old?
I’m old enough to remember there being no such thing as cable.
really? He wasn’t around that long ago
http://katchop.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2009/11/cable-wife-beater-copy.jpg
I’m old; FUUUUUUUUUCK YOU!
Young people swallow. Because they can’t afford to, because of all of their student debt and WARGABRJBNSJLBFLJBFLEFSS
/SHOOTS SELF
Day 584: My feet still hurt
Good evening.
http://www.drodd.com/images8/funny-gif/funny-gif7.gif
I’ll need about 15-20 mins to finish my chores. But yup.
note: is it just me, or is there a formula about comedian’s having pretty good stand up, only to lose all credibility when they venture into film and television?
Fuck. It’s already the ninth.
Lockheed Constellation. If I could have sex with an airplane, that would be the one. Hey, I’m into aircraft both personally and professionally so don’t judge me!
OK, that was weird…you can judge me.
http://68.media.tumblr.com/7581d34ee1ae206f90472b0e2e9fe56c/tumblr_nj0l41bdrr1rv91n5o1_1280.png
I think there are too many NBA games per season. When you have teams that can just coast for half of the season so the starters aren’t tired for the playoffs, there’s a problem.
Hate it when the ball sack flops out of your shorts.
http://www.pbh2.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2015/05/My-Butt-on-Your-Face.gif
http://68.media.tumblr.com/528b1bd060059be701d1686a5e6826b1/tumblr_nxys5wo46w1ug3noho5_1280.jpg
I swear, baseball fans have a stick up their ass about the dumbest things involving their sport. Imagine NFL fans complaining about inter-conference play. It’s a widely-held position that interleague play is boring. Really? Game 20 between your division opponent is too good to drop?
Guh.
No wonder baseball has lost fans. Other sports don’t have half the pretense baseball has over it’s dumb habits.
http://68.media.tumblr.com/27a2d2c548b22c60a79057e9442f8dc4/tumblr_n5smijXUCm1qedb29o1_500.gif
Exactly.
Looks like a fun group of pals.
http://lowbird.com/data/images/2011/06/33e6de-2231274.gif
http://68.media.tumblr.com/d12d9017f44ac788c473ba18bf7891b3/tumblr_ntimjx4KLO1u4mt3bo1_500.gif
Evening lads. How are we all?
http://68.media.tumblr.com/fe853b0452c9cb8eb09ffd0050a52593/tumblr_onlblsbosG1s01qkyo1_400.gif
Awww, Moose is thinking of me!
For some reason, I’m awake at 3 AM in Spain. Other than that, everything is peachy.
http://img.izismile.com/img/img8/20160310/1000/japanese_game_tv_shows_are_too_weird_and_too_sexual_15.gif
holy fuck. How does one hit a 94 mph slider?
That’s the speed at which they are typically served to Andy Reid to keep up with demand, and I don’t see him having any problem handling them.
http://68.media.tumblr.com/2b66b4d304e9963113bc0d2ab10bc9d8/tumblr_ogynxuwX3D1tl68gzo1_500.gif
How did you find his 8th grade yearbook photo?
The NHL has the dumbest playoff format.
http://68.media.tumblr.com/a427f2858c82a191ad7d19bf84b06aad/tumblr_onw0f5nInP1sah3xwo1_1280.jpg
hahahahahaha, fuck you, old bitch
we’re gonna need MOAR SOAP
http://68.media.tumblr.com/fdec2f12eedd86ef4d5846993cc86d7e/tumblr_oo07r5j2xX1r4ro7yo1_1280.png
Hippo better put some lotion on that
And by “that”, I’m presuming you mean your penis.
Outdoor showers are the best.
https://twitter.com/EmmittSmith22/status/851217613271248897
This is honest-to-God real.
SEC, Pawwwwlllllll!!!!!!!!!!
/it just means MOAR
That is honest to God fantastic.
I would watch the shit out of Vikes/Bears. PRE-SEASON.
http://68.media.tumblr.com/b53831c11706f65052cfdc8e9046a8d9/tumblr_nyn8rgmGUB1r5a08so3_r2_500.gif
THIS PLAYOFF HOLE AT THE MASTERS’ TOURNAMENT I CALL IT THE LAST THREE YEARS OF OLIVIA MUNN’S LIFE CAUSE IT WAS COMPLETELY ANTICLIMACTIC.
Check the utility bill.
http://o.aolcdn.com/hss/storage/midas/1beaecc3d92126d1d80e69206462660b/203838402/8+How-to-undress-a-girl.gif
A face full of BOFA.
“Can’t we just hold hands instead?”
You know, I can’t even begin to guess what is going on here:
http://big.assets.huffingtonpost.com/chocolatemaybe.gif
http://big.assets.huffingtonpost.com/japanese-show-door-knob-2.gif
I know even less now . . .
http://cdn.tokyotimes.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/japanese-game-show-gif-top.gif
They can’t find the clit either.
http://www.pbh2.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2015/05/Pussy-Tease-Game-Show.gif
http://cdn.smosh.com/sites/default/files/2015/03/butt-to-face.gif
http://big.assets.huffingtonpost.com/122229bsy1uoyhp3dgif-2.gif
I’m sure this was already talked about, but JFHC!
http://www.msn.com/en-us/news/other/nationals-designate-jeremy-guthrie-for-assignment-day-after-disastrous-10-run-inning/ar-BBzBIZE?OCID=ansmsnnews11
http://68.media.tumblr.com/ac76bb78eb358a653c174899148d8c4f/tumblr_msggp3p0wW1snmmclo1_500.gif
That’s gotta be the one of the worst birthdays ever.
George Francis Barnes Jr.
Yeah, but at least he didn’t have to look back upon it years later.
He probably would have liked to.
The music they are using at the end of the Masters here sounds like something you’d find at the end credits of Space Harrier 2.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=veqXHdRtkT0
Which has now also become the soundtrack to me mopping the kitchen floor.
Well the Ducks and Oilers have some intrigue at least because if the Ice, uh Chargers?—sure, Chargers—get a win or the Bettman point, they win the division, but if they lose and the Ice Eskimos win they win the division.
Of course all I get is Ice Stillers-Ice Giants, to which ESPN writes…
http://imgur.com/a/7vNj2
Cleveland won a pro sports championship, the Cubs won the World Series, Drumpf is President, and now Sergio Garcia has won The Masters.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z0GFRcFm-aY
INDEED!