INT. DFO PRODUCTION OFFICE – DAY
A pair of sleazy Hollywood producers are huddled over the speakerphone, listening to a pitch for a new reality series.
DARKEST TIMELINE ZACK MORRIS: It’s not that we don’t like the concept.
RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY: We love the concept.
DTZM: Seven beautiful women…
RTD: A tropical island resort…
DTZM: Each week one get unceremoniously booted from the hotel…
RTD: All the right ingredients are there.
DTZM: It’s just that…
RTD: There’s one thing…
DTZM: One little thing…
BOTH: [deep breath]
DTZM: It’s bad timing.
RTD: Yeah, it’s really just not the right time.
DTZM: Travis Kelce kind of poisoned the well for NFL celebrity dating shows.
RTD: For now.
DTZM: Yeah, for now.
RTD: But here’s what I want you to do. I want you to mark today on your calendar. And in exactly one year, I want you to call me. We’ll make “Seven in Heaven” a reality. Show.
DTZM: Great name, by the way.
VOICE: You guys are for real? We’re actually gonna do this?
RTD: Absolutely. In one year. We won’t forget the name [reads from a Post-It note, pronouncing deliberately] Ga-re-on Con-ley.
The caller hangs up, RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY shrugs apologetically.
DTZM: So who’s this Gideon Conrad guy, anyway?
RTD: Draft pick for the Raiders. He’ll be good, if he ever sees the field.
— [door flies open] —
MICHAEL VICK enters the office carrying a pair of lattes and hands them over.
RTD: [sips] Is this Blue Bottle?
VICK: Of course!
RTD: The one on Beverly?
VICK: Yup.
RTD: Beverly Lane, or Beverly Boulevard?
VICK: Um…Boulevard.
RTD: [spits mouthful back into cup] Ugh. I can tell. The one on Boulevard is for tourists. It’s my fault, I should have told you this earlier. We’ll need a couple more of these. From the one on Beverly Lane this time.
VICK: [sighs, takes back the coffee, leaves]
DTZM: [raises his eyebrows, frowns vaguely]
RTD: That came out meaner than I meant it to. I just wanted to get rid of him again. I can’t think of anything for him to do!
DTZM: Damnit, we need a project!
DARKEST TIMELINE ZACK MORRIS’s special edition Apple Watch buzzes as a notification arrives. He looks down and fiddles with the crown to read it.
RTD: Who’s it from?
DTZM: Karen Gillan.
RTD: [looks hopeful] Well, what did she say?
DTZM: I am…SIRI, SCROLL DOWN…going to…SIRI, SCROLL DOWN…have to…SIRI, SCROLL DOWN…pass.
RTD: With a dry cool wit like that she could coach the Seahawks.
DTZM: Well, you can’t say we didn’t try for broad appeal. I guess “Crazy Rich Asians” is going to have to be a niche film.
RTD: Yup. If “Get Out” proved anything it’s that you NEED white people in films if they’re going to have crossover appeal.
DTZM: I’m not really sure that’s what you’re supposed to take away from…
TRAYCEE: [via intercom] Sorry to interrupt. But this gentleman here has become most insistent about making his pitch to you.
RTD: Tell him we’re busy, and he’ll need to wait a few minutes.
TRAYCEE: You had me tell him that fifteen minutes ago. And forty-five minutes ago. And also two and a half hours ago.
DTZM: [sighs, rolls his eyes] Fine…send him in.
— [door flies open] —
RYAN PACE: Gentlemen. Have I got a show for you.
RTD: Let’s make this quick. Elevator pitch only.
RYAN PACE: [nervously] Okay, okay. But why TELL you when I can SHOW you. Come on in, boys.
Five young men file into the office.
RYAN PACE: Now the way it starts, is Mitch here goes over to Tarik and…
[Editor’s note: The following material has been redacted according to the editorial standards of DFO, and also human decency.]
Immediately MITCHELL TRUBISKY removes revealing a massive . TARIK COHEN places his in MICHELL TRUBISKY’s as the massive continues to . As soon as the has , EDDIE JACKSON begins to followed by and . He moves over toward ADAM SHAHEEN, who is JORDAN MORGAN so hard he has a bloody nose, and brings out a large . The tip is and the is . While the JORDAN MORGAN the , ADAM SHAHEEN shoves the into EDDIE JACKSON’s . He then backs up toward it while the MITCHELL TRUBISKY continues to on his . He squats over the and releases a huge of .
As , JORDAN MORGAN’S begin to , soon the of . ADAM SHAHEEN yanks out the and it down equally impressive . Once again JORDAN MORGAN sends a of into the swelling the to the size of .
Once done, MITCHELL TRUBISKY starts furiously on the while TARIK COHEN starts to and .. They both hard, deep and fast until and . ADAM SHAHEEN take the massive in the almost every . What they don’t is clean from the floor by JORDAN MORGAN. As MICHELL TRUBISKY and EDDIE JACKSON finally finish , ADAM SHAHEEN AND TARIK COHEN stand up and their and reveal . They all in unison look at RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY and DARKEST TIMELINE ZACK MORRIS.
ALL DRAFT PICKS: Taa daaaa!
PACE: [slightly out of sync] TAA DAAAA!
There is a long pause.
—
Like, a really, really long pause.
—
PACE: Well…what do you think?
RTD: [calmly] That was…interesting.
DTZM: [similarly nonplussed] What this show called?
PACE: Draft Day 2. The Second Round.
RTD: [punches intercom] Traycee, can you get Kevin Costner on the phone? I think he needs to hear this pitch.
DTZM: [to RYAN PACE] We always bring him in for sports movie pitches. He’ll finance ANYTHING if it’s got balls in it.
—
[…] DFO Insider: The Bearistocrats! – May 3, 2017 […]
Great. Now Ryan Pace gets to sound like Gilbert Gottfried in my head from now on.
Fun Fact:
Giraffes can stick their tongues in their own ears.
And Brocky and I got into this on last night’s open thread, but I continue to believe there is massive dysfunction between coach and GM and that the Bears were negotiating against themselves to get someone who would have been there at three. Would love to be wrong, but that’s what I said about Cade McNown, too.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X7XbukdoGmM
The slo-mo replay is excellent BTW.
Hmm, let me consult the old [DFO] Brand Guidelines manual to make sure this post complies:
http://www.fablesquare.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/03/Brand-Guidelines-Book-Image.jpg
/Flips to page 12
[DFO] Editorial Standards:
1. Be better than MMQB
It’s a low bar, but it is there!
Why is the bar in the Mariana Trench?
Currently technology limited us from taking it all the way to the Earth’s core, as originally planned.
Do we have to cough up $12 to get the unredacted version?
Coughing up,
http://orig12.deviantart.net/bf85/f/2013/188/a/3/that_s_a_paddlin__by_saffronpanther-d6cgxyy.png
One needs to learn to swallow.
Bra-fucking-vo!
DFO Mad Libs! Cool!!
was trying to think of the name of this game, but no clue even how to google it
Oh Bears. I get it, I guess, but I still think Pace drafts too many guys on potential who have injury histories (White, Floyd, Eddie Jackson). Regarding Trubisky, I am bored waiting for a meeting, but, from what I have read, these are the reasons whey Pace bet the farm on him:
1. Accuracy. Apparently the guy has great accuracy, and doesn’t force it like Cutler.
2. Marked footwork improvement. He had nervous feet in a few games at the beginning of the year, but by the FSU game, he would look downfield, plant his feet and throw before getting Kurt Warner-ed. He doesn’t have happy feet or throw off of his back feet, like Cutler.
3. He is dedicated to his team, non-controversial and likable. He could have transferred from UNC but didn’t because he wanted to break through there. All of his coaches like him. His friends from home like him and give him shit. No background red flags. No cockiness or dedication issues., like Cutler.
4. Apparently he is dedicated to “the process”, last one in, last one out, PFTCommenter kind of guy. I don’ t know how much that really matters, but at the end of the day, opposite from Cutler.
5. He is a pocket passer, and Carolina has a pro-style receiver route tree. They changed their offense when Marquise Williams left. Williams started over Mitch because the coaches liked using a spread offense suited for a running quarterback. That does not translate as well to the NFL, but it can be very effective in college, especially in a conference that is not known for its great defenses.
The red flags are obviously that there is a small body of work, he hasn’t played under center much, and he may be kind of dumb (see articles regarding not knowing what a hard count is). Also, this iteration of John Fox sucks donkey balls. I guess the flip side is that he doesn’t have as much wear and tear as a typical college QB, and that kind-of-vacant, uber-focused QBs seem to do well in the NFL, like Brady, Eli Manning, Russell Wilson, Flacco (ELITE), and Big Ben.
I understand picking him over Watson because Mitch is a traditional pocket passer with accuracy and height. Watson is a running quarterback with accuracy issues who is sort of small. Watson could be the next Russell Wilson or the next Vince Young. MItch could be the next Matt Ryan or the next Blaine Gabbert.
I am not really too upset either way because the Bears have missed on a lot of first rounders in the last 20 years. Why not take a big swing instead of getting another Gabe Carimi, Shea McClellin, Kyle Fuller or Kevin White that is drafted for need but never sees the field? This will probably end badly, because Bears, but who knows?
I sense a theme here…the Bears wanted to draft an anti-Cutler. So why not just get a dog?
That is a good idea: http://deadspin.com/is-tom-brady-a-fancy-dog-1743559604
Or an ostrich?
Is that Glennon or Clausen? I don’t even know anymore.
Yes.
http://media.giphy.com/media/y42OwXwePRluw/giphy.gif
DAMN IT.
http://s3.favim.com/orig/44/bubble-cartoon-cute-elephant-funny-Favim.com-374230.gif
There was also shit going on behind the scenes that none of us know. If he can learn the game enough to be a midlevel or better QB everyone will unbunch their panties on this trade, if not Pace will be back working for the picante sauce place in NY anyway.
That’s not right; a majority of Bears fans will bitch constantly no matter what….. like Bronco fans do.
We’ll see about how the Chef’s and the nonexistent team’s trading up for questionable QBs works out in a couple of years. Apparently those trades were BRILLIANT.
This is kinda fun (for those with no life):
http://www.sbnation.com/nfl/2017/5/3/15517982/mock-draft-nfl-2017-results
With the odds of QB reaches (team hopes and desperation) that he won’t be very good, and will be further set back by coach and OC firings.
all’s I can say is the 5-6, shitty beyond reason NC State Wolfpack ate his shit FOAR lunch on his Senior Day. And there were other bed poopings. That was a talented roster (with shit coaches), it wasn’t like he just stayed amongst wreckage.
The Donks took a QB in the correct round for this class. The very end of the 7th.
Also, the “have to pass” Seahawks joke was just sublime. In a good way, not in a die-from-an-overdose-just-before-releasing-a-huge-album way.
I like that there have been several Bradley Nowell jokes in the last few days.
The Aristobears?
I think I figured out what these guys’ LAST project was:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HsGwMnHj7QY
God, what a disaster.
I’m also shuddering thinking about how a bunch of assholes are going to insist “Roland should have been played by a white actor” (personally, I *like* the casting of Idris Elba as Roland, but this movie looks like hot garbage) and the poor reception the trailer is going to get, and how the studio is going to recycle the marketing strategy used by Ghostbusters 2016 and insist that you should stick it to the sexists (racists, this time) by seeing their shitty movie.
My only question is whether Stephen King was involved with the movie? I think every good movie based upon one of his books didn’t involve him at all.
That’s not true he was very heavily involved in Creepshow!
/realizes that Creepshow probably was not, in fact, a good movie by any objective standard.
//saw it when I was like ten years old, and I’m not going to ruin that memory by ever watching it again.
Where’s my cake Bedilliah?
Are they trying to make a single movie that encompasses all 7 books?
Unless the movie is 60 hours long they may miss something.
What the fuck was that?
It’s supposed to be a continuation of the books (i.e. a new tower cycle).