I have access to a bunch of movie apps and I am amazed at the selection of movies. I’m also amazed how many of them suck ass. I’ll be reviewing them as I see fit. Warning, most of these are going to suck. And you will disagree. And I won’t care.

Title: A Place Beyond the Pines
Starring: Ryan Gosling, cigarettes, a shitty motorcycle and Eva Mendes
Elapsed Time Before Turning it Off: Forty Minutes
You Will Like this Movie If: You like close-ups of Ryan Gosling’s eyes, and motorcycles, and Eva Mendes looking like she’s been riding with Hells Angels for the past decade.

I heard good things about this movie. I must have been hearing them while in the middle of an LSD and mushroom sandwich. This movie sucked balls.

Ryan Gosling is a good-looking dude with blue eyes. I fucking get it. His name is fucking horrible because all I can think about when he’s on the screen is a gosling, and that’s a baby goose. And those things are adorable and fuzzy, just the two attributes I’m not looking for in an actor.

Change your name, asshead. Jesus, look at Vic Tayback. That guy couldn’t act his way out of a phone booth, but he had the right NAME. Do you get it Ryan? Also, fuck your first name too. Ryan. Ryan’s a guy who wears boat shoes and rapes high school girls behind the McDonald’s.

Apparently Ryan’s character is a motorcycle stunt dude who works for a carnival. Over the years he has managed to create a collection of the worst fucking tattoos ever. He actually has a tiny knife tattoo near his eye. And he smokes menthol cigarettes, the long kind, not the regulars. I wanted to shove a pack of Camel filterless down his throat. His motorcycle is also a piece of fucking trash.

As a carny, he rides in that cage of death thing. And I’ll admit, the stunt riders impressed me because how in holy fuck do they do that without barfing and wiping out in a fiery bloodbath? More importantly who in the fucking hell thought that shit up?

Onward.

Ryan sees some chick that he knocked up the previous year when he was in town. So you know she’s in to making good life choices. He meets his son and over night he decides, “I’m going to be a dad.” Yeah, that’s what this kid needs.

So Ryan tries to get in to this kid’s life and he hooks up with this meth head dude who likes to rob banks. He teaches Ryan how to do it. I was hoping to god someone would gutshot him with a Remington pump shotgun, no such luck.

Meanwhile, Eva Mendes has found a nice dude, Coffee. Or Kofe. Or Koffa. Who takes her in and is helping her raise her kid. Ryan shows up with gifts for his kid, gets in an argument with Kofe and hits him in the eye with a fucking pair of pliers.

And I turned it off.

I realize that the whole goal of this movie was to show a character who wanted to redeem himself by taking care of his son. And he’s limited by his flaws and can’t get ahead because all he knows is crime.

Tell that story.

Quit with the multiple close ups and ennui and all that other horseshit.

JUST TELL THE FUCKING STORY.