Welcome back amigos!

Thanks for tuning back in to Sunday Gravy. Today is part 2 of Building The Better Burrito. Last week we had part 1 and it’s right here if you need a refresher course or need to catch up.

In our first episode I demonstrated how to cook and build a right tasty chicken burrito. Included in that link is a recipe for my “daily” chicken. The boneless skinless chicken breast that I eat pretty much every work day.

Let me tell you a little story about why I changed up my diet and switched to the daily chicken. I already mentioned that at the end of the year 2000 I was over 330 pounds, which greatly enhanced the problems I have had with my knees. My cholesterol was close to 300. My triglycerides were so high that my doctor said “I’m almost afraid to tell you the count because it may cause a heart attack.” I was, in short, a walking fucking disaster waiting to happen.

On Monday of last week I received the results of my annual physical. I mentioned this on one of the evening live blogs but I’m still pretty fucking ecstatic over it. My cholesterol is now 164, I weigh 100 pounds less than I did in 2000 and my blood tests not only showed that I was within the recommended ranges but that most of my levels were at “Optimal.” My doctor said my lab results are perfectly in line with someone in their 20’s. I’m in my 50’s.

Fucking A!

I completely reversed my abhorrent health by making the change in diet as well as exercising on a near daily basis.

That’s the goddamn power of the daily chicken.

In all seriousness don’t ever believe that you are too far gone health-wise that a change in diet and life style won’t help. I am living fucking proof that you CAN turn that shit around!

Know what else is cool? I’ve always been a cook but when getting myself healthy I started to cook all of my own meals which leveled up my cooking skills and led to me being the cook that I am today!

I was so pleased to be informed of my lab results that I decided we needed to cook some pork and use some real lard today!

So here was my original idea: I was going to make some carnitas, home made refried beans and I was going to make some homemade flour tortillas! Fucking awesome shit, yes? Like a real authentic old timey Mexican made meal from scratch!.

I mean just look at that banner photo! Holy shit the carnitas were drool-worthy, the beans were insanely delicious and decadent and that tortilla up there?

Was some fucking store bought shit.

Yes indeed friends and neighbors, boys and girls, I screwed the ever loving shit out of that pooch!

The good news is I know exactly when shit went south so it is very fixable. I think in honor of this epic fucking screw-up I am going to give you the full on post mortem for the tortillas, that way you can see the EXACT moment where I fucked up!

Yes!

First though let’s get you the rundown on the homemade carnitas and beans because Sweet Baby Jesus both of those turned out fucking gloriously.

If you reach way back in your memory banks you may remember that I did a recipe for carnitas pretty early on in our fair website’s existence. I’m going to give the recipe again even though it is pretty fucking similar to the original. Why? Because I’ve got the photos, Jasper! I’m gonna walk you through visually and shit!

Carnitas!

(1) 3-4 pound pork shoulder. I got the bone-in Boston butt for this.

1 12 oz beer

1 orange sliced in half

1/2 onion chopped

5 cloves of garlic minced

2 jalapenos cut in quarters

32 oz container of chicken stock.

1 tablespoon of toasted and ground cumin seeds

1 tablespoon of chili powder

1/2 tablespoon of cayenne

1/2 tablespoon of black pepper.

1 tablespoon of salt plus more to taste as you go.

1 tablespoon of chopped cilantro plus more to garnish – if desired.

1/2 red onion finely chopped for a garnish

3 tablespoons of vegetable oil.

Get a small bowl or container and combine the cumin, chili powder and cayenne. Mix them together well. Get out your big ass Dutch oven and get it on the stove top over a medium heat and add the oil. Next get your slab of pig ready to sear. If your porker is too big to fit in the pot go ahead and cut it in half for ease of browning, cooking and turning.

We’re going to sear the chunks of piggy, one chunk at a time, until they reach a nice golden brown, about 5-6 minutes per side. While they are searing we’re going to sprinkle on some salt, some pepper and that spice combo of the cayenne, cumin and chili powder. We want to get a good seasoning layer on there.

Once the meat is browned go ahead and throw everything else into the pool. All of it. Dump in the chicken stock first, then add in the onion, jalapenos, garlic, squeeze those two orange halves into the pot then go ahead and toss the rinds in their too. Toss in the rest of the cumin, chili powder, cayenne spice mix and any leftover black pepper. Dump in that 12 oz beer. You want the fluid level to be right at the top of the meat or even covering the meat by a bit.

Get a lid over this, lower the heat to LOW and we are going to simmer for about 3 to 3 1/2 hours stirring every fifteen minutes or so. You will know when the pork is done when you can break the pig chunks with a spoon with only a little pressure. If you are using bone-in shoulder the blade bone should be completely clean of any clinging pig flesh.

After removing the bone from the pot break up the meat into good size chunks and let simmer for maybe 20 minutes more. Turn off the heat and let the meat cool down for awhile, maybe 15 minutes or so because we’re going to be breaking up the cooked meat with our hands to remove any leftover gristle or bone. There really shouldn’t be that much leftover fat because this goddamn thing has rendered that shit down pretty well. If there is leftover fat you better be leaving that in there. Fat is good flavor!

Preheat your oven to 400 degrees.

Place all of the chunks of pig, along with a ladle or two of the pig stock and place into a baking dish for browning.

Cook these in the preheated oven for about 20 minutes or until the meat has a nice level of browned crispiness on top.

Remove from the oven, let rest for a few minutes and serve. Use the chopped red onion and cilantro as desired and serve along with some tortillas and the following bean recipe. Cheese is a solid option as well as your choice of sauce or hot sauce.

I think you know my choice.

Ranchero Beans!

1 16 oz bag of dry pinto beans. Note here. Know your audience and the number of mouths you are feeding. One bag of beans makes a pretty good amount of cooked beans. I only used half of the bag today.

1/2 onion chopped

4-5 cloves of garlic minced

3-4 pieces of bacon or salt pork – Remember the salt pork that I ground into the freshly ground hamburger meat?

2-3 dried chili de arbol. I had some leftover from when we made the kung pao chicken.

(It’s important to use the ingredients that you still have from other recipes. Repurpose that shit.)

Salt and pepper to taste.

Enough water to cover the beans by about 2 inches.

Throw everything into a pot on the stove top over medium heat.

You do have more than 1 pot don’t you?

Anyway, once the beans start to boil, reduce the heat to LOW and simmer for about 2 1/2 hours. Stir these every 15 minutes or so.

Take a look at that photo. These beans have been simmering for about 2 hours. You can still see some chunks of that salt pork floating around in there. These require just enough more simmering to get some seriously rendered fat magic working. Go ahead and mash about half of the beans with a masher or the bottom of a cooking spoon.

Watch what happens when the fat completely renders.

Oh fucking hell yes. That’s the good shit right there. Remove the 2 chile de arbol pods or fuck it, leave them in if you want to. Ladle these up, serve with a little salsa or hot sauce or even dress them with some shredded cheese and party down Garth!

See what happens when you combine these beans alongside those lovely fucking carnitas?

Magical.

So there you have it! A perfect throw back feast that harkens back to old Mexico…

Oh yeah. The tortillas.

See that funky ass pale thing that is shaped kind of like the state of Wisconsin?

Yeah.

I’m going to give you the recipe for the tortillas because the recipe was not at fault. The fucking dipshit preparing it was at fault. This still produced a tasty product and I will try them again because I know exactly where I went wrong.

Let’s watch me fuck up, shall we?

Flour Tortillas!

recipe via

4 cups of all purpose flour

1 teaspoon of salt

2 teaspoons of baking powder

2 tablespoons of lard. Yes lard, damn you!

1 1/2 cups of water.

Let’s dissect this shall we? Yes! Let’s!

Get out a bowl and mix together the flour, salt and baking powder.

Sweet! Just like it says!

Next add in the lard and mix until incorporated with the dry ingredients. I used the Kitchenaide which did the job masterfully.

Hell yeah! Got this motherfucker HANDLED!

Next add in the water and mix until the dough comes together. I used the dough hook attachment which worked like a goddamn charm.

Place the dough onto a floured surface and give it a quick knead or two. I noticed the dough was a little sticky so I added in some flour until it formed a good looking dough. No, the extra flour didn’t hurt a fucking thing.

Looking good! Next I cut the dough into about 8 equal sized pieces which should have given us a good sized flour tortilla in which to roll up some freshly cooked goodness.

Next get out a floured rolling pin and roll out a tortilla.

You know what? Round is a difficult motherfucker to roll out. The shape of the tortilla was not going to deter me from my ultimate goal.

Next to save time…

(oh Jesus)

I decided to..

(what an asshole)

I decided to roll out all of the tortillas and stack them up using a sheet of wax paper to separate them since the recipe said you are supposed to roll a tortilla and then cook it in a hot pan, then roll out another then cook in a hot pan.

Why not save the time and pre-roll everything right?

Right?

WRONG you fucking nimrod!

Those tortillas have lard in them and you were working in a hot kitchen you stupid bag of liquid pigeon shit!

Guess what happened? The lard melted and caused everything to stick together in one big alien lump of shit!

A perfectly prepared wad of waste to throw in the nearest trash receptacle! Well done Einstein!

Guess how many tortillas I was able to salvage?

One.

Well one and two attempted abortions. The top tortilla worked just like it was supposed to and I was able to half-ass kinda salvage 2 more that physically looked fucking miserable but still were kind of tasty.

Let’s take a look at the lone tortilla of the apocalypse.

I’ll be dipped in shit! A real homemade tortilla that looks sort of like it’s supposed to! These take just 30-45 seconds per side to finish cooking on a pretty damn hot skillet.

I am now going to teach myself a lesson on what to do the next time I make tortillas.

First this.

Then this!

Next we do this.

Then this!

And repeat!

 

If I ever do this again

You have my permission to knock me upside the melon with a pre-heated cast iron skillet.

Let’s go back to that second plate photo though.

I have to admit despite it’s odd look and unique shape this tortilla was goddamn tasty. It had the right thickness, the right pliability and it was really good. I used the old fashioned technique of just ripping off a piece of tortilla then grabbing some meat and beans with it and and then shoving it into my face.

Fucking awesome! In all seriousness again, the pork and the beans were fucking transcendent. Epic even. Make those at least and I’ll keep testing away with the tortillas.

Finally many of you are probably wondering what sort of alchemy or CGI wizardry did I use to create that initial banner photo?

I put on my mad scientist lab coat then did this…

Rolled up some carnitas in a store bought burrito, added some red onion, cilantro and some chile tepin then added a scoop of beans and topped the beans with some chile and cheese!

I’m a straight up special effects GOD!

Thanks for stopping by to indulge me in this little bit of written self flagellation.

It was well fucking earned and I did promise to share ALL of the successes along with the failures. This qualified as some of both.

Thanks for being here loyal Sunday Gravy reader.

Try the carnitas and the beans. They were fucking delicious!

PEACE!