[DFO] Archives: Circle Jerk Weekend (Part 2)



Law-abiding Raiders fan, pet owner, Los Angeles resident.

Latest posts by Rikki-Tikki-Deadly (see all)

…and the refractory period is now declared OVER.  Hope you’re ready for round 2!

AUTHOR: Senor Weaselo

FAVORITE PERSONAL POST: House Of Pain (the first Expo BotG)

EXPLANATION: I thought about the China post, the 2/13/17 open thread, and my Turkey Euro preview, because fuck ’em *gets arrested by Erdogan*, but this is the first post I wrote, which set everything afterwards in motion. And if you haven’t realized, I can be a bit nostalgic (see the previously mentioned 2/13 thread post-news rant which is what made it a contender). This also gave me the best line that I think I’ve written so far, regarding my first thoughts on the Curbstomp sauce; I’m pretty proud of that one. The line, I mean. I’m gonna have to use it again when I inevitably disappoint a beautiful woman.

FAVORITE OTHER POST: The Last Yard by entropy

EXPLANATION: I’m glad I didn’t write a Halloween post this year (or last) because it seems that everybody really ups their game for it. This was my favorite of this year’s, and just plain and simply a well-done post. It’s also the same concept as “A Game of Pool,” which is one of my favorite Twilight Zone episodes. I think the momentary shift in point of view from Smith to Malcolm Butler sells it. Also Rikki already claimed Chomp Chat for his pick. Other honorable mention goes to the 4th of July PSAs, everyone, whether in the article or in the comments, was on point with those.


FAVORITE PERSONAL POST: Colin Cowherd Has A Special Guest

EXPLANATION: My wife had spilled some spaghetti sauce in the kitchen and wiped it up with a dish towel. She asked me to walk said dish towel out to the washing machine. I commented that the towel looked like “Satan’s cumrag” which she did not find as funny as I did for some reason. While taking the soiled towel to the garage, I started thinking how great it would be if clothing companies started making a towel that they could specifically market as a cumrag. Thankfully, Cowherd’s general racial dumbshittery seemed to fit right in with a cumrag theme, so this post was born. Yeah, I was probably kinda drunk.

FAVORITE OTHER POST: The Wins Of Winter (Part 2) by Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

EXPLANATION: Love Game of Thrones, love Andrew-Luck-as-Hodor, and I thought the way he brought the Hodor plot into the Colts season was brilliant.

AUTHOR: Shogun Marcus

FAVORITE PERSONAL POST: Annual Performance Review: Goodell, R.

EXPLANATION: No one had written Bleergh, and before I knew it I had a whole post written. His voice came without thinking or pausing. Having him attached to Shank’lor and Doink just seemed like a natural fit. And no apologies to Joan Osborne, but the whole “one of us” makes him a deity I can respect.

FAVORITE OTHER POST: 25 Questions About… by Balls of Steel and Fury

EXPLANATION: 1) Balls made me write here, so it’s his fault. 2) I laugh everytime without fail. Reading it aloud to Lady Shogun to get her laughter only makes it better. [Editor’s note: Shogun said to “pick any” so I chose the one featuring my Breadsport comment (that I sent along to Danger Guerrero and he said he liked), because I am a shameless self-promoter]

AUTHOR: blaxabbath


EXPLANATION: One of the challenges of having such a loose association of contributors is keeping our characters straight and offering readers fairly consistent behavior each time one shows up, regardless of the author (ex: Boss Todd). I didn’t know how writing so many characters was going to go but I was pleasantly surprised how well a simple coaches email string turned out. So, in that it’s fairly entertaining and never duplicated (it’s a format I’ve considering going back to but I just don’t think a reboot would be very good), I guess I like this one.

FAVORITE OTHER POST: Sunday Gravy With Yeah Right: Thanksgiving Dinner For Procrastinators by yeah right

EXPLANATION: The Thanksgiving edition of Sunday Gravy — a non-NFL [DFO] staple — is special to me because it broadcasts the perfect balance of holiday anxiety and valuable #content without trying too hard (see: Thug Kitchen). 11 minutes of action in the average NFL game, 21 weeks of games per season — flexible non-football pieces like Sunday Gravy are what keep this place from being as shitty as foxsports.com.

AUTHOR: Old School Zero

FAVORITE PERSONAL POST: Local Beat Reporter Bud Winston’s 2015 Centers Preview

EXPLANATION: I actually did research on and found pictures of every starting NFL center for the 2015 season just to make some short, lame jokes. It still makes me proud. I almost chose the Mad MaKSK article, but, really, that was just an excuse for MW&G’s awesome photoshops and a murderous eulogy for some favorite KSK kharacters.

FAVORITE OTHER POST: Face It: This is Dr. Z’s World by Don T

EXPLANATION: To me, this is the best pure actual football related writing the site has seen–plus, THE FLAMING REDHEAD ACTUALLY COMMENTED ON OUR SITE! It just doesn’t get any better than that.

AUTHOR: Free Ballin’ Football

FAVORITE PERSONAL POST: Week 16 Free Ballin’ Football Podcast And This Year’s Night Before Christmas Story

EXPLANATION: A lot of our blogs for the podcast posts were quick and dirty… truly accompaniments to our podcast… but a couple stand out on their own, none more than this one from Josh. You see, Josh is good at two things: breaking down the intricacies of the Ravens O line on any given play in excruciating detail, and being witty as hell. This Christmas post was legitimately enjoyable to read and given it was Week 16 of the season, it ended up being a great recap of all the shit we saw and discussed over the season.

FAVORITE OTHER POST: One Year On: An Interview With Christmas Ape by The Maestro

EXPLANATION: Having religiously read KSK, it was fun to come to DFO and check out the landscape after Uproxx shut KSK down. Checked in on and off before coming into the DFO family last year with the podcast, but I remember thinking how awesome it was that DFO got an interview with the one and only Christmas Ape. The baton has been passed to all of us to keep NFL dick jokes alive!!

AUTHOR: Duchess

FAVORITE PERSONAL POST: Coach Duchess’ Guide To Little League – Part II

EXPLANATION: To me, the Guide to little league helped me find my writers voice. Before making a few submissions here and there the majority of my writing was a basic analysis of rental markets in the South Eastern US. It was boring shit for boring people to pretend they read. So to see something that was actually read by another person was great.

FAVORITE OTHER POST: Practice makes Perfect by Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

EXPLANATION: This is circle jerk weekend right? Well this one came from a throw away comment I wrote in a 9 Circle of Leasts about how a plastic bag could get 150 yrds rushing against the Patriots or Steelers. While there is a lot of great and entertaining stories here it was just nice to see a throw away comment in a single post take on a new life in the comments and then become its own thing in a post. It is a great reminder of what this site stands for and the community that is here.

AUTHOR: Ensemble (via Brett Favre’s Colonoscopy)


EXPLANATION: Peyton Manning is a dick who lives in his own alternate reality, and what better way to commemorate his (overdue) retirement than by our own alternate reality where we interacted with him? The whole crew brought it here, and individual voices/perspectives really shone through. Plus, we need more clear examples of satire for our legal defense.

FAVORITE OTHER POST: DFO’s Spooktacular Halloween In Review

EXPLANATION: I don’t remember whose idea it was to do scary stories, but daaaaaaamn the whole crew brought it. 2016 may have been even better than 2015, but I don’t remember a recap post so this one gets the nod. Ass slaps all around!

Law-abiding Raiders fan, pet owner, Los Angeles resident.

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Low Commander of the Super SoldiersSonOfSpamlitre_colaJustStopDudeDon T Recent comment authors
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Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

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Cause I am in a foul mood….

Don T

My favorite free ballin football podcast was the one with DTZM.

I also like that the Eagles aren’t contenders. I feel like the NFL is best when PHI is just outside of being a legitimate threat.


Boo this man. Or throw batteries if you are carrying.

/I don’t even know who you are anymore….


Behind The Dick Jokes

    So we were riffing around trying to figure out what to do for Halloween someone threw out we should do a themed week. I then said that it should be ghost stories about the Texans since they do not exist. We then spit balled about other seasonal themes that didnt pan out. As they say success has m any fathers failure but one.


In short the initial idea would be nothing without the follow through of others.


Unrelated to my previous rant, but “Cold Waters” which is a game on Steam, is dead accurately awesome sim game for being on a fast attack sub in the north Atlantic.

The only way it could be more accurate would be to have the nukes on the boat bitching they work too much.

So much fun and I keep getting killed every time I drunk play.


Ugh….I got customers coming in from Philly to get training on their new cranes.

Our crane division routinely fucks me. They drop training requirements on training department (read that as “JSD’s workload” on incredibly short notice). I only do drives training…nothing else because I kind of need to be a jack of all trades.

So these cats are coming in for training on their new cranes. I get told by the crane guys that over the course of 4 and a half days, I need to provide 3 and a half days of drive training.

Its like, if you imagine, you bought a car and know nothing of owning a car. You are paying extra to learn everything about owning and operating a car so you pay extra for training.

I’m a tire guy and you will be getting four and a half days of training on your car…and 3 and a half of those days will just be tires. It makes zero sense to me.

So instead of prepping for this, I am getting drunk. Just got to stop before 7am when I go to work.


Tomorrow morning…

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I had to commission these fucking things when they arrived in the Middle East.

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Tallest Quay cranes in the world.

I am terrified of heights. I fucking hated driving the damn things. The operator cabin goes out over the water and it has a glass bottom.


Aw, hell no. (Also not a fan of heights)


Makes me feel safe.


Our crane division routinely fucks me.

This blog turned into

Dear Penthouse

so gradually I didn’t even notice.


For those that missed the first semi-circle of the jerk, link to part one here: https://doorfliesopen.com/index.php/2017/07/29/dfo-archives-circle-jerk-weekend-part-1/


I love the roundtable posts. The Payton one was really fun. It kind of ups everyone’s creativity level.





Under Armour towels – the best at cleaning up nostaljizz!

I need to start using this whenever I shit on nostalgia as an idea and practice.