Your “I’m Up and Down and In Between” Saturday Evening Open Thread

(pic via)

It’s Day 1 of the three-day weekend here in Vancouver. The skies are still really smoky due to the fires up north & the winds dragging the smoke down to the coast. The air tastes like a brush fire, and the cruise ships full of seniors on their way to Alaska hopefully have extra O2 tanks.

But at least the smoke is deflecting the heat we were supposed to be getting; it’s knocking 5-7 degrees Celsius off the Vancouver temperature, so we’re nowhere near as hot as Seattle.

Tonight at 10:00 PM is the finale of the “Celebration of Light” explosion festival. Here’s Japan from Day 1:

Have I mentioned how much I hate fireworks? Because I fucking hate fireworks. Irrespective of never JPP-ing myself, it’s usually due to those smug little fuckers who let them off about 2:00 AM in a garage or such place. When I was a high school VP, if Halloween fell during Monday – Friday, I had to sit in the school until 11:00 PM night of to make sure the building didn’t get vandalized or catch fire. One year, one of the teachers refused to close the windows (“…because it’s stuffy”), and they aimed right for them until I got them all closed. On both floors.

To enjoy this festival, you have to mark your spot on the beach about noon. And the cops come & take all your booze, because God-fucking-forbid you want to have a drink. No problems with all the weed being smoked on the beach during the fire & smoking ban, but opening the cooler is a pour-out and a $175 fine.

I know I’ll never win that battle, so I practice avoidance as best as I can.

Sunday is the annual Gay Pride parade, which a number of my out & proud friends no longer attend due to its corporate nature & general acceptance. Oh, they’ll go to the parties, because few str8’s have the jam to attend those, so it’s more their-community-oriented. I went out for a couple of beers with them earlier this week.

I can’t remember if I told this story last year: One of my former students was a parade Grand Marshall back in 2012. Her name is Jenna Talackova.

On the right, obvs.

I knew her pre- & post-op. I let her do her law presentation of the legal issues of her name change and gender reassignment with government agencies.

Fun fact: she sued the Miss Universe pageant because she won Miss Canada but was disqualified from the main pageant because she wasn’t a “naturally born female”. In a surprise reversal, the Miss Universe Organization, owned by Donald Trump, not only re-entered her; it allowed all transgender women to compete in its worldwide competition, modelling its rules after the Olympic system.

Fast-forward to 2017: they can wear bikinis & talk world peace but not fatigues & break ISIS codes. Gotcha.


Tonight’s sports:

  • NFL:
    • Pro Football Hall of Fame Enshrinement Ceremony – 7:00 PM | ESPN
  • CFL:
    • Roughriders vs. Lions – 7:00 PM | TSN
  •  AFL:
    • Adelaide vs. Port Adelaide – 2:30 AM | TSN2
  •  UFC:
    • UFC Fight Night – Pettis vs. Moreno, from Mexico City
      • Prelims: 8:00 PM | FS1
      • Main card: 10:00 PM | FS1 / TSN5
  • MLB:
    • Blue Jays at Astros – 7:00 PM | Sportsnet

GO FORTH & ALCOHOL!

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Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
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Unsurprised

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Unsurprised

I think I like this one the most.

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https://gfycat.com/unsurprised/dfo_quotables_8-5-2017

theeWeeBabySeamus

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theeWeeBabySeamus

So is there like an over/under bet here or what?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Brick Meathook

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Brick Meathook

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Brick Meathook

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Brick Meathook

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Fuck that place.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

mmm K

theeWeeBabySeamus

Sorry. Long story.

(actually not long but a story I don’t need to be telling)
((would love to have that Charger tho))
(((like before they fucked it up on the stupid fucking streets of that godforsaken piece of shit city)))

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Bad memories or other putrid associations can ruin some fine things.

theeWeeBabySeamus

You have no idea my friend.
Wish I could fill you in.
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(on that note, probably best for tWBS to stfu and go to bed)

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Is the the place from HRTN?

Unsurprised

It’s from the search for a goddess, at least.

Unsurprised

I ended up getting prime rib and green chile mac and cheese instead. With a nice, dry cider. It was excellent.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Life working in an office with cubicles.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

This made me LMFAO. In fact I still am.
I’m not even fucking high right now but I can’t fucking stop laughing.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Brick Meathook

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Don’t be cheap; spend the extra 15 bucks.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Holy shit. My dead ex wife came back to life?
Well, this just will not do.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Was that the ax she took to your finances?

theeWeeBabySeamus

In truth, it was a hammer. And it was (attempted) to my head.
But yes, she fucked up my credit too and I only have recently gotten it completely repaired, and it wasn’t cheap.

But, the bitch is dead. I won.
No, I didn’t kill her. But would have if I could have gotten away with it.

“Your honor, just because I wanted to, doesn’t mean I did”

theeWeeBabySeamus

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Ahem….

….& instructions included.

WTF INSTRUCTIONS DOES ONE NEED???????????????????

theeWeeBabySeamus

IF YOU’RE ORDERING A SEVERED HEAD, I’M PRETTY MUCH THINKING YOU ALREADY HAVE A PRETTY GOOD IDEA OF WHY!!!!!

Sorry, I’ll stop yelling now.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

smgdh
It’s scares me that I think that’s funny.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

You noticed the mud on the car from driving to drop the kids off at “grandma’s house.”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Brick Meathook

“Yeah you. What time is it?”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

You should see her DIAL the phone.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Modern technology has resulted in the art of labia dialing to be lost…… [sigh].

theeWeeBabySeamus

There’s always a cost for progress.

Romonobyl

Calling it a night, I leave you with this:
Q: What did one cannibal clown say to the other at dinner?
A: Does this taste funny to you?

Thank you…please tip your waiter and drive home safely.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Just the tip?

Romonobyl

There’s a Julian Edelman joke there somewhere.

Brick Meathook

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

“HOLY. FUCKING. SHIT.”

theeWeeBabySeamus

Ummm, yeah…what he said.
Holy. Fucking. Shit.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Fixed.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

GIFs of Death.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Somebody fucked up big time here, in execution at least.
Planning seems just a tad suspect as well.

Dumbfucks.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

or one of them is completely in the wrong airspace.

Which, of course, would qualify as fucking up big time.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

*GIFs of close to Death, got off fucking lucky.

I posted a base jumper from a radio tower who’s chute didn’t open; he was fucked up, but lived and was able to walk, eat and excrete normally, but that got moderated; cool story bro.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

All this and my bear blow job images are being “moderated.”

Brick Meathook

NOBODY DIED!

I wouldn’t post a snuff-flick. This was in Wisconsin in 2013 and everyone survived from both planes with minor injuries at worst. The plane in the shot is at fault (he was trailing in the formation and he lost sight of the lead, who was beneath him). The lower aircraft landed successfully and the FG aircraft lost a wing but the pilot had a parachute.

Romonobyl

I thought maybe United was outsourcing.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Yep, that’s what I thought it looked like. Dumbfuck forgot what his job was.
Dude below never had a clue.

Giggity.

But seriously, when you’re at the controls, stop looking at the jumpers. That’s not your job.
Dumbass.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Last guy hanging on; “Well this certainly isn’t going to work.” [lets go]

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Well, you work so hard to get in position, then the field goal plane misses.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

You left out something; was their baggage successfully transferred to their respective connecting flights?

Romonobyl

Is it a bad sign when you go up in an airplane to skydive, and the pilot is also wearing a parachute?

theeWeeBabySeamus

If he’s already wearing it?
Yeah, it’s not the best.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

So I guess that means if he jumps before you do would also be a bad sign.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Again, not the best.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Today, while cleaning out my dead racist grandfather’s belongings from his room at the skilled nursing facility, I discovered a U*NC hat (i know who the fucker is who gave him that and it will be left on his front porch with a note), a Boston Red Sox hat (I wish I knew who gave him that so I could beat them senseless), and a Dallas Cowboys hat (I’m hoping he stole that from another resident).

This concludes tonight’s meaningless random shit.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Unsurprised

a Dallas Cowboys hat (I’m hoping he stole that from another resident).

But wouldn’t that mean he had at least one redeeming quality/act in him?

theeWeeBabySeamus

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Unsurprised

Well, let’s assume he just never got around to throwing it away.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Damn you, yeahright, for guilting me into flossing tonight

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Because they can.
Duh.

theeWeeBabySeamus

WCS is pissed at me, as usual. So this is for him…..
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xlp9bPRRGgM

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Senor Weaselo

Every so often I think “Fucking MTA, why am I waiting 25 minutes for the train at 1 AM?” And then I remember that most cities don’t even have 24-hour subway systems. To which I can use a famous saying from Hermana Weaselo, “Sucks to suck.”

/Unfortunately they’re trash during rush hour where there might actually be people

theeWeeBabySeamus

PHX rolls up the sidewalks around 9 or 10 pm. At least as of 3 yrs ago, anyway. Which always surprised me.

Of course now, here in the sticks of NC, I can’t even get garbage collection. Not joking. I fucking hate it here.

Senor Weaselo

Have you tried incomprehensible angry yelling? That should work.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Almost daily.
And not just regarding garbage collection.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Unsurprised

Nice ones, Moose

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

How many of them can they fit in one room?

Moose will think that’s funny.
The rest of you won’t think about it long enough to realize how fucking funny that is.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Well, it would be funny if they left the shoes outside, DAMN IT!

blaxabbath

Reading these comments, I feel like Hippo is [dfo]’s John B Macklemore.

Romonobyl

Sorry, I just had to:

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

And today’s tone deaf award goes to…

Romonobyl

I’m not saying I agree, but there’s still some humor there.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Yeah, fucking hilarious.

Unsurprised

They don’t sever it, they invert it into a vagina.

Wakezilla

Part 2:

Hot Arab woman texted me to let me know I could enter the man cave. I secretly hoped it was her. She guided me to the rear and when I finished, she told me to sit on a chair. I sat down and she put a hot towel over my eyes. She walked away and it was silent.

About a minute later, a man came and massaged my face. Reciprocity, I assumed. He too placed a towel over my face and let out a grunt. That’s when he released his creamy, but oddly pleasant smelling cream over my face. At this point, I had to restrain myself as I was still thinking about my “Jappy Birthday” typo 15 minutes earlier. I might as well have been a cream pie at the grocery store. After a lengthy time, I do not know how much time had passed, he cleaned me up and even did my hair. It was a service I had paid before, but never had a man done that to me. I did not care for it.

Romonobyl

The Penthouse Forum isn’t what it used to be.

Wakezilla

TL/DR: I went to a barber shop called Man Cave and got a haircut and a shave. It was OK. TBH, having your hair and getting a shave done by not an attractive woman isn’t nearly as good as when an attractive woman does that for you.

Fin

theeWeeBabySeamus

That reminds me.
I need to shave my nutsack. Someone other than me might eventually see it again.

Sorry, just thinking out loud.
😛

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lp-EO5I60KA

theeWeeBabySeamus

(shut up litre)
((jerk))

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Brick Meathook

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Romonobyl

Jerral’s HOF initiation after-party.

theeWeeBabySeamus

/once peppered a model mercilessly
//didn’t get convicted

theeWeeBabySeamus

Okem dokem…gotta go eat and beat the shit out of my niece….errrrrr, make my niece go to bed…yeah.
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Mr. Ayo

That’s an odd euphemism

theeWeeBabySeamus

If only.

Little shit turned 12 this week so now thinks she’s an adult. It’s not going well.

Shogun Marcus

Is that what the hornet/wasp spray is for?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Hahaha….no. But that gives me an idea.

Shogun Marcus

My professional skills are working with children. I never said my methods were…normal.

Senor Weaselo

I am so sorry.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Not as sorry as me.
Or as sorry as she’s about to be.

Senor Weaselo

Lizards. People. Lizard people.

Unsurprised

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Would happily be the meat in this sandwich even if it killed me.
Which is likely.
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Mr. Ayo

Boop!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

The rules of croquet seem different in Japan

Romonobyl

She does that in a bowling alley, then I’ll be impressed.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Gives new meaning to 7-10 split tho.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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“There might be some slight delays on Route 9.”

Shogun Marcus

This wasn’t the view I paid for. I’m suing the fuck out of the realtor.

Romonobyl

“Get the fuck offa my driveway!”

theeWeeBabySeamus

HONEY!!!!! GOOD NEWS/BAD NEWS!!!!

GOOD NEWS, YOUR COMMUTE JUST GOT SHORTER.

Unsurprised

This isn’t where I parked my house.

litre_cola

Have moved myself to the basement. No booze but have vapoUrizer, pug, baby asleep, st. Kilda game on comp and u guys. Is this the epitome of ‘safe’ place

Shogun Marcus

The cellar isn’t in the cellar? Interesting. Maybe! What a country!

litre_cola

Oh it is. I think he has written down all 300 bottles. Imma just gunna get real stoned and hide.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Then fake an injury? Or did I waste my time giving you the bestest solution for nothing?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

TURNED THE BAD ANKLE AGAIN!

theeWeeBabySeamus

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Shogun Marcus

With the shot waist-up and the big belt on…this makes her look like a vicious midget.
/this is totes fine.

ballsofsteelandfury

I had the same thought!

theeWeeBabySeamus

SHE IS A VICIOUS MIDGET HAVE YOU PEOPLE NOT BEEN LISTENING I’M GETTING ABUSED DAILY PLEASE CALL THE POLICE NO WAIT I KINDA LIKE IT NO I REALLY LIKE IT I’M SO HAPPY SHE’S BACK BUT OUCH THAT HURT….SO GOOD.

Brick Meathook

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

I have some questions.

Shogun Marcus

Is “some” code for all?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

I realize jazz/blues isn’t for everyone, but this is fucking incredible if you appreciate the trumpet/cornet. No Shit.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=__OSyznVDOY

theeWeeBabySeamus

Other brass/woodwinds too, but about halfway thru is some amazing trumpet.

Big Black Richard

Mingus is one of my all time favorites.

Romonobyl

Got to see Spyro Gyra a few years back at a benefit concert, sat about 15ft from the stage. Not my first choice of musical genres, but the musicianship was like nothing I’ve ever seen/heard before.

theeWeeBabySeamus

It’s not my go to usually either. But every now and again I’m just in the mood for it.
Always crave heroin tho.
I’ve said too much.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Yep, ya done fucked up. You know who you are and you shoulda knowed bettah….
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Shogun Marcus

/is 98.9% it isn’t him for once.
//99.5% of the time it is.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Unsurprised

Nice kerchief

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

WTF, the guy who I replied to deleted his comment so mine just stands out now.