Wet Hot Amari-Can Summer: First Day of Camp (Your 2017 Oakland Raiders Season Preview)

A fresh-faced young man carrying a sleeping bag and knapsack strides down a path covered in pine needles, singing “The Cat Came Back”. 

DEREK CARR: Oh boy!  I sure can’t wait for camp to start!  We’re gonna have so much fun this year!  I can’t wait to talk to the guys about Rogue Force…oops!

DEREK CARR bumps into the back of a massive slab of muscle and rage, who turns around with a murderous expression on his face until he realizes it’s DEREK.

[starting left guard] KELECHI OSEMELE: Oh, hey Derek!

DEREK: [looking up] Kelechi?  Holy cow!  You look, uh, bigger this year.

KELECHI: I am! I had another growth spurt.  Your leg all healed up [after that heartbreaking injury you suffered during Week 16 last year]?

DEREK: It sure is!  Thanks for the stickers you mailed!  My cast looked SOOOO cool by the time it came off.  My parents wouldn’t let me keep it, though.  They said it smelled too bad.

DEREK CARR surveys the remainder of the offensive linemen, including the 6’6″ 357 lbs new addition David Sharpe, taken in the fourth round out of Florida.

DEREK: Wow, you guys all look bigger.  You’re gonna keep me safe, right?

[starting right guard] GABE JACKSON: You bet, little buddy! I just signed a new deal [after switching to the right side], so I’ll be watching your back for the next five years.  [Kelechi and I were the only guard tandem that didn’t give up a single sack last year, and overall the line led the entire league in preventing quarterback sacks].

DEREK: Wait…somebody’s missing.

[starting center] RODNEY HUDSON: [the smallest man on the line steps out from behind the 6’5″ 340 lbs DENVER KIRKLAND] Oh, I’m here [and I’m still one of the best centers in the league].

DEREK: No, I mean…

[newly signed former NY Giant tackle] MARSHALL NEWHOUSE: Yeah…[starting left tackle] Donald Penn hasn’t reported to camp yet.  He’s holding out for more money.  I’m taking over his spot until he’s back.

DEREK: I can’t wait to see the holes you guys are gonna open up.  Lat[avius Murray]s is going to…

[reserve guard/tackle] VADAL ALEXANDER: Yeah, some bad news about that.  His parents sent him to Camp Minniwanca this year.

DEREK: [face falls]

VADAL: But…

A gigantic pile of logs is blasted apart as a dreadlocked figure crashes through it.

MARSHAWN LYNCH: BEEEEEEEF MOOOOOOEEEEEE!

MARSHAWN LYNCH doesn’t stop to chat; he simply races off and starts running through a tire drill.

DEREK: Wow.  He seems happy to be here.

RODNEY HUDSON: He’s in the best shape of his career.  [It remains to be seen whether his body can still hold up to the rigors of the NFL, but if so he should have a fantastic season behind this offensive line.  He’ll be carrying the ball perhaps fifteen times a game, with the remainder being picked up by second-year draftee DeAndre Washington, second-year UDFA Jalen Richard, and seventh-round pick Elijah Hood out of…sound it out…U…N…C…]

DEREK: So it looks like our offense will be very similar to last year’s.  [The biggest change is that offensive coordinator Bill Musgrave was let go and replaced by the quarterbacks coach Todd Downing.  Downing has certainly demonstrated his prowess as a quarterbacks coach in his work with Carr, though it remains to be seen whether he’ll be able to take the reins of the entire offense with a greater degree of success than the last newly promoted offensive coordinator the Raiders gave a shot to.  It’s fair to assume that the offense will be as good or even potentially better than they were last year, provided they can close a deal with Donald Penn and get him back into his slot on the line.]  And what about…

A gigantic man appears from nowhere and envelops DEREK CARR in a bear hug, knocking his sleeping bag out of his hand for good measure.

KHALIL MACK: Who wants to play some tetherball? I get to be the post!

DEREK: Khalil!  Wow!  You look…pretty much the same as last year.

KHALIL: You forgetting about something? [pats the Defensive Player of the Year trophy that is hanging around his neck]

DEREK: Hey, cool!  How’s the defense looking?

KHALIL: Pretty good. [The Raiders defense provided Carr with more than enough opportunities for fourth quarter heroics last season, and the addition of John Pagano as assistant head coach (with primary responsibility for the defense) will hopefully tighten up the unit enough that Mack and his counterpart Bruce Irvin will be able to tally up more sacks than their combined total of 18 from last season.  The interior line, which suffered greatly from absence of Mario Edwards Jr. and the substandard play of his rookie replacement Jihad Ward is looking to be a bright spot with the return of MEJ and a strong camp performance by third round pick Eddie Vanderdoes.  The Raiders have continued to show that they assign very little value to the middle linebacker position, as last year’s fill-in Perry Riley has been jettisoned in favor of rookie Marquel Lee.  The secondary is where the Raiders will need to make their greatest improvement, but have thus far proven to be in turmoil.  Last year’s starting cornerbacks David Amerson and Sean Smith are back, though Smith has performed poorly in camp and has seen some time with the second unit.  First-round pick Gareon Conley emerged unscathed from rape allegations after a grand jury declined to indict him and has the potential to be a steal, but has yet to see the field due to issues with shin splints.  Reggie Nelson will once again be paired with second-year player Karl Joseph in the safety positions, though it’s possible that second-round pick Obi Melifonwu will see significant playing time if the defensive staff can figure out how best to utilize the standout athlete.]

DEREK: Sounds good!  [Special teams is pretty much the same as it has been, right?]

KHALIL: [More or less – the kicker Seabass and punter Marquel Lee are both back.  A number of notable players from the special teams unit – in particular gunners Taiwan Jones and Andre Holmes – have moved on.]  Well, we’re headed to the gym.  You coming?

DEREK: Wow, you guys sure are serious about working out.  I just want to check in with my receivers before…

AMARI COOPER: [in a voice two octaves lower than last season] Oh, hey Derek.

[in closing: the Raiders are looking to build off last year’s 12-4 breakout season, and signs point to them being fully capable of doing so.  While they are facing a tough schedule that features the Patriots, Cowboys, Giants, and their usual slate of tough divisional matchups, it’s definitely possible for them to repeat last year’s success provided they manage to get a few blowouts under their belt against some of the weaker teams like the Jets and Redskins.  I’m predicting them to make it to 11-5, with a deeper run in the playoffs.]